I agree she primarily intended to kill not just cause a crash and feed off of the drama - although I’m sure she fed off that too on her unsuccessful attempts. I think it was baby I she was relentless in trying to kill and tortured that poor baby until she had no fight left. I think to her nothing compared to the feelings of taking a life and absorbing the immense grief surrounding it. If I had to guess, it was that feeling she craved.
So many people finding it hard to understand why because she was so bland and beige but to me it makes perfect sense. Only in her job did she have the power to be anything different. She wasn’t bland beige Lucy, she could be god deciding the fate of which baby lived or died. She could be at the centre of tragedy and drama which to someone with no empathy would be enjoyable in her otherwise boring life. Not just enjoyable but probably euphoric.
To me the notes were a confession and a smoking gun and were also as the defence claimed to be a reflection of her mental state. Imagine when being able to go under the radar for so long and having enjoyed the privileged position of ultimate trust that allowed her free reign of wielding the power to murder so easily and at times even be thanked and praised for it by parents and colleagues - to her the walls closing in would have been losing absolutely everything. Losing the source of euphoria and power that was compelling to her and ultimately her worst fear of being exposed to those who had no idea of her dark side.
