Right let’s spark this off first of all by saying Ryan has had the lamest cooking month of his life. We’ve had barely any content apart from him saying he can’t wait to smoke a cigar with his infant son. I think Louise frazzled some chicken breasts in breadcrumbs while he dozed on the sofa one day and he sat there like looking like a hobo chancing his luck at Saltburn, but that was probably it.
I might need a helping hand with this next hit as I’m not sure I have a complete handle on the utter lunacy that is Louise having alter egos and made up insta profiles to comment on her banal existence. The most prominent of these being a lady called Victoria marchman who had a penchant for
everything and coming out with saccharine bullshit platitudes like ‘cuteePatotee. I don’t really know where to start with this level of Kevin in Split madness but I’m not sure it’s too surprising coming from our resident Loopy.
Anyway none of that matters because they had their skiing holiday that Ryan tried to pretend was in Switzerland and not somewhere in France that you had to go in a van to get to the slopes. In fact he loved ‘van life’ nearly as much as Louise who literally
tit herself over it. At the gifted not-near-the-slopes chalet they slept in separate rooms because Louise was having an IBS episode that thankfully didn’t prevent her from donning £1200 ski suits in pale colours and bragging about what an excellent skier she was and eating burgers. The chalet was apparently the most beautiful she’d ever seen and came with a handy collection of wicker baskets that she seemed fairly grateful for
Leo was a total let down of course because at aged two he should have been buzzing for the slopes and running to put his ski boots on of a morning. Ryan tried snowboarding but looked like a
twit even more than normal and Louise tried to speak to the ‘toddlers, eh!’ crowd when moaning that Leo had
duck all interest in skiing.
Then they were all PLUNGED from cold into warm on a holiday to Antigua. This was especially amazing for Loopy because she didn’t at one stage think she’d be able to travel despite doing more travel in a year then most people can do in ten. Anyway if you want to travel you just should prioritise that over everything and go and eat fresh bass in a luxury resort and if you don’t you’re not even living, you’d understand if you’d ever been nearly dead. Oh lots of people might not want to travel to the Caribbean though- some people hate sand so they can just enjoy their poor person’s holidays.
We had some big although not unexpected news in that Louise had ‘written’ a book about her trauma, but the date has been pushed back to April weirdly because, as Louise said, while gurning on a white sandy beach in a bikini, her wheels have fallen off like they always do when she’s not getting enough attention.
So let’s brace ourselves for the next few weeks of Munchausen’s madness with a side of narcissism
she’s ‘written’ it so my guess is they have to fact check and take out all the blatant bullshit.
#cutiepatooty
showed herself up. Every now and then,even though we all deep down know these folk are cunts,they get under the skin. And I was really getting quite angry over these two.
