@LadyLockdown don't be teasing us.
Teasing? As if...
11:59 am: Wake up, stretch and roll over to vacant corpse like husband bed space. Smile to self that he may have fallen downstairs and sustained critical, life threatening injuries and start planning how to spend insurance.
Suddenly all my Murder She Wrote training kicks in and I wonder; he may not have fallen and could have been on his way to clean mirrors / make breakfast / start work / check spreadsheet for available LUXE “exciting giveaway” funds / eat my shit ...
DO WE EVEN HAVE STAIRS ??? Who knows
12:01: pretend to shower and put on robe
12:02: switch on Instagram and pick heaviest available / on market filter (if new filter available, quickly purchase on someone else’s cc, definitely not mine, and download) and find best light to gaze at oneself practicing gammy toothed smile and “Iiiiyaaaa” without gammy teeth on show
12:05: Once I’ve successfully completed gammy toothed smile (not on show) practiced yawning, tugging dirty robe astride tiger tanned / dirty tits and shoulders and stretching in front of filter to demonstrate just how tired i am from doing nothing or because of *delete as applicable (for what you think is relatable) *inoffensive murder mystery / love story / thinking of ways to kill my aging husband drama series I may have watched last night I switch on Instagram camera and start to film
12:07: Repeat yawn, stretch and iterate as above *not to include ways to kill husband (that’s for another channel) or should I say Chanel ....
13:00: Start
quick 2 hour “skin care” routine of whichever dim witted brand has agreed to sponsor my heavily filtered / edited routine in the hope of a few more followers (on both sides) in order to line previously aforementioned pockets
14:27: Filter out any filters used (bought quickly or previously owned) on filtered “skincare” video and post filtered video to Instagram with blurb and captions about how frickin wonderful skincare is and how much of a difference it’s made. I love blurghhhh technology. Lie so much even friends and family buy it even though I look like a piece of Edam cheese in real life.
14:30:Spend time taking face clutching photos of self in varying lights whilst holding skin so taut I look more like Jackie Stallone than Jackie Stallone. WIN?
Also throw on various acrylic items, and take a selection of Dale Winton (RIP) coloured, rickets knee’d poised / chesticle photos for “da grid”. *to be posted later followed by mood boards of brands with varying degrees of success to broaden my (non-existant) relatability and at time that hits the best engagement ...
15:00: Pretend to look for husband. Secretly hope he’s died and left it all to me so I can buy quadruple my body weight in make up, handbags and whispering angel
15:04: Sadly find husband alive in kitchen making lunch for us (late lunch because that’s when I demand it) with an expensive gift on the side from him to me (which I’ll unbox when I can be bothered and have Instagram and appropriate filters set up)
AND a promotional gift delivery from idiot brand (which I’ll pick what I want from and then
selflessly giveaway the rest in a
SUPER SECRET GIVEAWAY ** where you have to tag 9000 of your friends who aren’t already following me ** because I’m so thoughtful and cos it helps to dilute the robots). Also like to add it annoys me to receive orders I haven’t made as I decided to give the postman a break especially on a BANK holiday .. I don’t want my husband to answer the door on his day off, unless I told him to!
16:00: Picked over lunch. It was all my favorites but when you have to eat with someone you hate. It makes you thirsty so instead I drank 17 glasses of whispering angel. I quite like my husband now. And me.
Is it too early to start watching murder mysteries? Can I drink whispering angel through my eyeball? Is it tomorrow yet? Can I start over and pretend my life is picture perfect?
**** Obviously this is only my Sunday and I am an hour ahead of the UK so it may be different for others
it’s rubbed off!!
Not letting her ruin my mood!!
Sorry!