Thanks to
@annabelle_bronstein for the thread title!
Right, where were we four weeks ago? Well, Princess and The Predator were finishing up their last few (expensed) days in Santorini. They really did have the most wonderful time, exploring the same two restaurants, the same two streets in Oia, and the same ten-metre radius outside their hotel. John – when not reading his book in his yellow shorts – washed the rats tails and then laid them out in the sun on one of the hotel’s sun loungers to dry. In a scene that wouldn’t have looked out of place in Silence of the Lambs, Lorna filmed a rather creepy video of OMR sitting there, slowly, studiously, painstakingly brushing the damp rats tails until they gleamed. It was pure horror.
They also rented the same Blue House in Oia, so that Lorna could prance about on the roof wearing a voluminous cloak, in a fabric described as Grecian Porcelain print. Now, being a details kind of woman, I went and did some research and it would appear that they don’t make porcelain in Greece. They make pottery. And there is a big difference. Never mind, Frisby’s not exactly the kinda guy to be bothered with fine details, and the cloak does double up as a fine tablecloth, so it’s win-win all round.
The fawnas need constant makeup and skincare advice, obvs., so Lorna took time out from her holiday to film an over-long skincare video which, bizarrely, started out with her taking a sip of Greek coffee and swishing it around in her mouth like mouthwash. I’m sure the Greeks would be thrilled to see their carefully prepared coffee being violated in this way.
Having decided that they had enough ‘oh fuck it, that’ll do’ photos of the hotly anticipated ‘swimwear collection’, Lorna filmed a little video of herself talking shite, whilst OMR was doddering around in the background, packing up her makeup bag and packing their suitcases. If he does indeed still work at HSBC, we can only imagine the huge respect and high esteem in which his colleagues regard him.
So, back in their little village near Horsham, we were treated to the sight of a pile of boxes which had been delivered whilst they were away. One huge box, looking quite frankly like it had fallen off the back of the delivery van, was something very special she had ordered to shoot the last few pieces in her new collection (even though she had told us in Santorini that they were finished shooting). Well, we spent many a happy hour trying to guess what it could be. A blow-up doll, perhaps? Another sheep? A unicorn? Inflatable paddle pool, maybe? Sadly, we were wrong on all counts, because what we did NOT expect was………..
…………….you’ll have to wait and see, because first we were treated to another of her online purchases: A pair of Bottega Veneta kitten heels, resplendent in greeny-yellowy ostrich feathers, appropriately called “Beak”. Not understanding that less is more, Lorna then styled the shoes with a fuschia pink dress, an emerald green blazer about five sizes too big, and the fuschia pink Chanel flatpack bag. It truly was a sight that nightmares are made of, although it did provide a full two pages of Tattle thread. We all thought she had possibly reached the pinnacle of ridiculousness, but wait…. The best was yet to come….
The day finally came where she revealed what had been in the large box. Not a unicorn, sadly. Nope, it was a backdrop in exactly the same print as the
Grecian Porcelain Hellenic Pottery! You could have knocked us all down with a feather. So, Lorna taped the backdrop on the wall and then photographed herself at jaunty angles with the wall and the painting and the sheep still clearly visible in the background. But, it was the outfit that made it all worthwhile. Looking like a 1920s Russian milkmaid, Lorna strutted about in a blue and white flared mini-dress, complete with big, puffy sleeves and some broderie anglaise frillies down the front. Lorna accessorised with a matching bandana, and a pair of highly impractical flimsy designer sandals. It was almost too much to bear, but Lorna wasn’t finished with us yet. Nope, she had something else up her puffy sleeve. Next, she came out in a blue and white puffball playsuit number, still sporting the bandana, but this time carrying a matching beach bag on her shoulder. Now, I don’t know about all of you, but when I go to the beach I like to do a flower arrangement when I get there. Or perhaps visit an elderly relative on the way to the beach who likes flowers. Or sometimes I like to have a picnic on the beach with a vase of flowers. Crazy, I hear you all say! Not so. Lorna had this covered too (she’s all over it). Fake flowers (real ones die, sadly), stuffed into the beach bag, and the look was complete.
Having now had their Day 5 test-to-release results, Lorna decided to re-ignite the steamy marriage and book a ‘cheeky night’ in London. After all, it’s what keeps their marriage spicier than John’s famous prawn salsa. So off they went to the
freebie ME Hotel (yawn) and had drinks in the Radio Rooftop bar (yawn) and filmed Lorna bopping like a pony in a white dress on the street (yawn). John, meanwhile, set himself up with a little office in the hotel room. You know, all the usual paraphernalia you need when you go on a business trip: Laptop, mobile phone, phone charger, pens, notebook, clip-in hair, cigarettes with one ciggie poking out of the top of the packet, Zippo lighter, Chanel bag, camera… Whilst John busied himself with all of his Very Important
Wanking Banking zoom calls, Lorna chose the hottest day of the year to dress up in on of her pink polyester numbers to go and have lunch with Sisley Paris and a bunch of other fake, pretentious women who think that everybody wants to be them. The waiters weren’t entirely sure where to put the plates of food, as the table had been adorned with designer handbags, all for the ‘Gram. Lunch done, Lorna then changed into that yellow gingham number she loves, and raced off to a dinner party with some more people who think that everybody wants to be like them. You’d be fooled into thinking there was Dog on the menu, but actually it was just the host who allowed his dog to sit on the table with its tail in the cruditès.
Dinner party over, they headed home to proudly display the cushions that Lorna had been given as a gift, which she flung on the white chair and then got praised by the company for “stunning styling”, or words to that effect.
Anyway, shortly after that, this ludicrous pair decided they should have a
freebie night at The Lanesborough for about the tenth time this year. Lorna wore a red dress from Hollister that apparently gives the old man Gwen Stefani vibes (icky), and Lorna took herself off to some posh salon to make some poor woman give her a pedicure. Imagine working in that salon and looking in the bookings book when you come in to work in the morning, and then seeing that you have been allocated Lorna Andrews as a client. You’d have to feign a migraine and go home sick, surely? Post-manicure, they met up with some friends in the evening and got absolutely blotto, and then the next morning Lorna filmed herself still slurring her words whilst telling us that the old man was dying in the shower. They then drove home in this state, obvs having a Greggs on the way.
Next day, she was announcing that they are going on yet another holiday. Spain this time. She ordered herself a load of crap from Zara, one item being a polyester satiny white slip dress, only suitable for the bedroom really. Lorna modelled it proudly, and adjusted the straps so that the neckline was so low that we found ourselves in a ‘free the nips’ situation. We were all cringeing, but Lorna was proudly flaunting her boobs as though she was Samantha Fox. She then got OMR to take some photos of her doing the same pose outside the same door at their apartment block, and told us they were going ‘out out’. Next thing, she was sitting in the communal garden of their apartment, wearing the polyester nightie and with her Chanel handbag on the table. It must have had Very Important Things inside it.
So, where are we now? Well, it’s ‘Birthday Week’ which, for the uninitiated, is when John buys her something outrageously expensive every day for the seven days leading up to her birthday. On the day she announced this, she and John went in the Bentley to go and buy Starbucks. Lorna was wearing pyjamas, unbuttoned with a bandeau bra, and with a ridiculously huge blazer. Oh, and the Hermes bag got an outing. Lorna pranced about in the car park holding her cup of coffee, looking street and edgy and down with the kids man. The day after that, John dragged her into London to buy her the first gift. He had chosen the matching Bottega Veneta bag to go with the chicken shoes, but Lorna decided she wanted a white bag instead, which she is hoping she doesn’t ruin with fake tan.
We are now on Day 3 of Birthday Week. John left the apartment early yesterday (Day 2) to go and collect that day’s gift, and he’s not been seen since. It’s deeply worrying…
All things considered, July has probably been one of the most entertaining months in the Luxe Chronicles. We doff our hats to you, Lorna. Not all heroes wear capes.
I mean, her legs are nearly the same colour as his.
