Lockdown has changed my relationship

[Thismamacan]

Sorry to read everyone else’s stories but I can relate to it all, I feel like the longer lockdown goes on the more we’re drifting apart the tiniest thing seems to blow up into an argument. It’s getting to the point I don’t even see the point in trying anymore. Everything I suggest he just shuts me down, I’m seriously thinking of asking if my grandad if I can move in his spare room for a bit as much as I don’t want my thirtieth year on the planet as the year I got a divorce unless something gives soon I can see it being the only outcome.

I'm also in my 30th year, and never envisaged it looking like this. I dont know how things are going to pan out for all of us but its nice to know were not alone in all this

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

Please don’t apologise @Bumblebee. I can actually relate to you a bit. My husband got furloughed too while I could/can work from home so I got “it’s ok for you you’re still working” thrown at me a lot, and a tiny thing would end up in an argument.

In the end I went and stayed at my grandads for a couple of weeks, it wasn’t a magic cure but it helped massively.

Could you speak to him at all? I know men are masters at shutting things down and explain how you’re feeling?

I’m sorry I’m not much use on the advice front I’m sending you all the love in the world. This thread and people commenting helped me because it was nice to hear I wasn’t alone and offered advice, I hope it can do the same for you.

 

[alwayslurkin]

I'd love to give everyone in this thread one huge cuddle, it's been really tough but it's nice to know you're not alone

 

[blossombloss]

I’ve been with my husband 6 years (married 4) and apart from the fact his mother is a witch we’ve never had any problems.
But since lockdown I feel things have changed I know I’m probably making a mountain out of a molehill but I’m starting to feel that I don’t feel sexually attracted to him anymore and I’m bored in bed and I used to find it amazing. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he shuts me down or tells me to sort myself out.
I don’t know what to do or if its because of furlough and working from home we’re getting stuck in a rut so to speak.
Has anyone been through similar or got any suggestions?

I don't have any suggestions, feel a bit like this myself tbh! But I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! Lockdown is hard, having the usual distractions and just doing things prevents things from being so isolated, I think.
Perhaps the only thing I could suggest is to remember that we are all dealing with something unprecedented and that this isn't how your relationship will be forever. We will get out of it and you guys can do new things and perhaps you'll find things are better. I know it sucks as I'm basically saying wait it out, but I think that's all you can do, remind yourself there is a different future ahead!

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

hmmm not sure. He’s quite a confident guy but possibly. I won’t ever know because wheneveri ask him he says “I don’t know” to everything

This is a lot like my husband I’m pretty sure he’s depressed but all I get from is “I’m fine” or “it’s ok for you you’re still working” it’s hard because as much as you want to and would help you can’t help someone who won’t meet you halfway.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I can’t comment on lockdown as my husband has been working and we had other issues that have improved due to external factors.

But when my husbands depression was bad he shut me out, wouldn’t talk about issues and our sex life died. Could it be a bigger issue and he’s struggling and doesn’t know how to express it. Your both spending so much time together and seeing things that maybe you wouldn’t normally see and that can make you lose interest in the other person. It’s easy to get stagnant right now.

 

[Pixipoppy]

I don’t know what to do about my partner. Over lockdown he has become very isolated from everyone and now it’s almost like he can’t bring himself to see anybody. He doesn’t even like leaving the house to go for a walk. He doesn’t keep in touch with any friends and I can’t persuade him to join me in anything that involves leaving the house or other people. It’s like some sort of weird lockdown induced agoraphobia! If I mention it I get told to drop it and to stop nagging him I just wish for once he would want to plan something with me, if I suggest things I get shot down.

 

[alwayslurkin]

i can only imagine, for me it's awkward when we get into a fight let alone if we broke up.
just tell yourself you were brave enough to make a right decision for yourself and soon you'll be looking back on it feeling proud

Ah I feel for you I hope you manage to work it all out x

And thank you for your kind words

 

[alwayslurkin]

I’m ok, I’m going to look at a flat to rent tomorrow so I’m looking forward to that, I can’t stay with my grandad forever.
I’m also toying with the idea of maybe looking into therapy, my marriage ending has made me kind of reflect on certain things, also because I’ve watched people I’ve admired completely change for the worse after divorce.
How are you getting on?

I hope the flat viewing goes well tbh counselling was the best thing I did for myself a few years ago, and I'm tempted to go back but I want to do it face to face

It's going well thanks... An adjustment living alone, but I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I've actually been on a few dates because why not not looking for anything serious rn but I've never done the "dating" thing and it's fun

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

I love it. I have so much space, I can do things on my own schedule, don't have to answer to anyone... Not trying to slag off my ex here, and obviously had good times with him when we were together, but being here has reinforced the fact I made the right decision to leave which is the biggest relief of all tbh

That’s amazing I’m so happy for you.

 

[bexgreen1983]

Fed up beyond belief… me and my husband just argue all the time over stupid things, don’t have s#x, most of the time he falls asleep putting kids to bed and I’m on my own in evenings. Honestly I’m at my wits end and I just don’t know what to do. I’m so miserable

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

How is everyone getting on? I think about this thread from time to time and hope everyone is ok

I’m ok, I’m going to look at a flat to rent tomorrow so I’m looking forward to that, I can’t stay with my grandad forever.
I’m also toying with the idea of maybe looking into therapy, my marriage ending has made me kind of reflect on certain things, also because I’ve watched people I’ve admired completely change for the worse after divorce.
How are you getting on?

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

That's amazing news!

It is an adjustment, but it's liberating. You'll reach a point where you realise how capable you truly are, and it's just a brilliant feeling imo

Oh thank you for saying that. It sounds really superficial but I’m looking forward to being able to decorate it without “I’m not having that in my house” “What have you bought that for?”

 

[alwayslurkin]

Thank you so much for your reply. I hope you’re doing well or at the very least feeling positive about your future!

I think you’re probably right as I do definitely see a difference in my irritability when I’ve been working vs when I’ve been stuck at home.
I just feel under a lot of pressure to make a decision about my future with him - I don’t know why, maybe it’s the talk of marriage etc. But I don’t want to make that kind of decision based on how I’m feeling because of a pandemic.

You don't want to make a decision regarding marriage based on how you are feeling because of a pandemic, too

If you are serious about staying with him, can you manage the next two-three months of this before the lockdown eases? If your stomach is churning and your gut says no, I'd say get out. If you are just desperate for it to hurry up and get here already, I'd stay.

Purely my opinion and obviously I don't know either of you personally, so take what I say with a pinch of salt

 

[Purrrrrrr]

Oh thank you for saying that. It sounds really superficial but I’m looking forward to being able to decorate it without “I’m not having that in my house” “What have you bought that for?”

I love living on my own, do what I want when I want without anyone saying a word. Pure bliss. Good luck in your new home and life

 

[TJ90]

I really am jinxing myself every time I post on here I’ve reached the crying into my cornflakes stage. I don’t understand how I can know we’ve made the right decision but my heart feels like it’s breaking, I feel like I’ve destroyed everything, one of my nieces adores my husband and she thinks he doesn’t love her anymore.
I even phoned him last night to ask him if I could come back but he said there’s no point going around in circles, which is true but hearing him say it made me feel worse like it’s really over and he’s done with me.
Nothing I feel makes sense it’s like my head knows we made the right decision but my heart feels like it’s the worst decision I’ve ever made.

It’s the hardest thing. You will get through it. Unfortunately heart break hurts so much, even when you know it’s for the best.

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

I know this thread is dead now but... I am officially living in my own place after my breakup!

How are you finding it, are you ok?

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

Sending love, it’s so hard my partner of 18 years moved out on Friday. Things haven’t been right for a few months, we’ve got a 15 year old and a 2 year old who was a very bad sleeper. He got made redundant, was looking after the 2 year old more. The little ones behaviour has been challenging lately.

My partners always worked and started drinking more. The fun seemed to have gone, we’ve gone from having a great sex life to nothing at all. He said he loves me as a Mam to the kids and that he’s not depressed. It hurts like hell, so many things going around in my head.

He came to take the youngest out yesterday and my heart skipped a beat I still find him attractive I told him I loved him but he didn’t respond and when I asked if he thought there was chance we could try again he said he didn’t know. Dunno whether to just give up or to let him have space and hope he misses what he has.

Sending love to you also . It’s really hard when things are still fresh and your head and heart are in a jumble.

 

[bexgreen1983]

This thread could literally be my life. Weve been married nearly 6 years, together for 13 with a 2 year old. His mother is so interfering and she has always been his first priority. He has never been able to say no to her and always does what she wants/asks regardless of his daughter and me. This whole lockdown has been so so hard, things were bad before as he never supported me through 2 miscarriages or PND, but this has been something else, even though weve both worked throughout it all, just having to stay home the rest of the time, I've realised were not that compatible. We are more like brother and sister. I know it's bad as I have developed feelings for someone else who I have known a few years and who I work at the same hospital as, nothing has happened as I'm not that person, but for me knowing how I feel, maybe it is time to leave. 13 years is a long time for things not to change...

thats how I feel about my husband.. that we’re like brother and sister.

 

[bolimepipi]

I’m the same as you guys. We don’t even live together but when he’s here I feel more of a mother than a girlfriend. I wait on him hand and foot and I feel he has become used to it now and doesn’t appreciate me. Sex life has also died out, just feel like he doesn’t fancy me or love me anymore which is really sad. Even during lockdown I’ve seen lots of couples doing cute stuff. I suggested a walk yesterday, felt like I had to drag him out and he would rather be anywhere else but there, ended up arguing and storming back to the car. Saw lots of couples having such a good time and I just felt like he would rather be anywhere else but there. I’ll see what happens when lockdown is over

it's so sad if you think he's no longer attracted to you, that's a huge deal. talk to him about it. that's one main thing that gives me hope, that he is still crazy about me in that way. if we didn't have that, i definitely wouldn't stay :/