Lockdown has changed my relationship

[Ya-Mar]

I really am jinxing myself every time I post on here I’ve reached the crying into my cornflakes stage. I don’t understand how I can know we’ve made the right decision but my heart feels like it’s breaking, I feel like I’ve destroyed everything, one of my nieces adores my husband and she thinks he doesn’t love her anymore.
I even phoned him last night to ask him if I could come back but he said there’s no point going around in circles, which is true but hearing him say it made me feel worse like it’s really over and he’s done with me.
Nothing I feel makes sense it’s like my head knows we made the right decision but my heart feels like it’s the worst decision I’ve ever made.

Sending love, it’s so hard my partner of 18 years moved out on Friday. Things haven’t been right for a few months, we’ve got a 15 year old and a 2 year old who was a very bad sleeper. He got made redundant, was looking after the 2 year old more. The little ones behaviour has been challenging lately.

My partners always worked and started drinking more. The fun seemed to have gone, we’ve gone from having a great sex life to nothing at all. He said he loves me as a Mam to the kids and that he’s not depressed. It hurts like hell, so many things going around in my head.

He came to take the youngest out yesterday and my heart skipped a beat I still find him attractive I told him I loved him but he didn’t respond and when I asked if he thought there was chance we could try again he said he didn’t know. Dunno whether to just give up or to let him have space and hope he misses what he has.

 

[ASAnigel]

I’m so sorry to read how unhappy some of you have been and how difficult things have been for you. To those of you that have made big decisions to end relationships/fly solo I’m really happy for you that you’ve managed to do what’s best for you!

A lot of your posts could have been written by me! Pre-pandemic my boyfriend had a really healthy social life (heavily centred around him working in the city). I work away so we only used to see each other once a week max (we didn’t live together before).
Now that we do live together and social lives have been non existent and I’ve been away less and less our whole relationship has changed.
I’m someone that loves my own company and really needs my own space whereas he’s the complete opposite.
I know I love him and our life together as when I’m away I’m always excited to come home to him but at the same time I find myself really resenting the fact he’s always around.
I’ve also had zero interest in sex really whereas he seems to want it all. The. Time. Which is something else I’m worrying about. The times where I do feel like having sex by the time it gets to it he’s usually done something to annoy me or I’ve gone off it again and I’m starting to worry that I’m just not attracted to him anymore.
We don’t have kids or anything (just a dog) so I’m not scared of starting again I’m just worried I’d be making the wrong decision based on things happening in a pandemic and not “real life” if you know what I mean.
We’ve recently been seriously talking about getting engaged/married and whilst I want to be with him forever I’m so worried about how I’m feeling at the moment that I’m not sure it’s the right thing.

I’ve spoken to him about the sex thing and he’s been very understanding and I’ve also mentioned the fact I like being on my own every now and again and his suggestion is that I go and stay with my parents for a few days. But at the same time I don’t want to break the rules and I also think that’s only a short term solution.
I just want our old lives back.

Sorry I feel like I just needed to offload to people that have been having similar feelings.

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

I really am jinxing myself every time I post on here I’ve reached the crying into my cornflakes stage. I don’t understand how I can know we’ve made the right decision but my heart feels like it’s breaking, I feel like I’ve destroyed everything, one of my nieces adores my husband and she thinks he doesn’t love her anymore.
I even phoned him last night to ask him if I could come back but he said there’s no point going around in circles, which is true but hearing him say it made me feel worse like it’s really over and he’s done with me.
Nothing I feel makes sense it’s like my head knows we made the right decision but my heart feels like it’s the worst decision I’ve ever made.

 

[alwayslurkin]

Yeahhh I feel the same and even had the talk with my partner today.

We both feel it is because we live in a small flat on top of each other and will talk again when we settle down a bit.

Neither of us want to rush into a decision when things are all over the place, but we both feel bored/fatigued.

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

Sending love to you both @Mamacita & @alwayslurkin.

 

[TruffleTrifle]

So glad I found this I’ve been wrestling with this for weeks. I love my partner we’ve been together 8 years but lately he feels more like a mate and I keep getting random crushes on other guys?! We’re bubbling now with a friend of my OH because his MH has been poor (2 breakups in a year he’s quite cut up about and his parents are splitting and he lost 2 grandparents to covid) and whenever he comes over I feel like a giggly schoolgirl. Never felt like this about him before and I’ve known him a few years! Is it because in lockdown I’m hardly seeing other people? Is it fatigue from spending a year locked up with my partner? I’d never act on it and neither would he but it’s just fucking bizarre and I can’t remember how to act normally!! Also I went off the pill recently to have a break from it which seems to have increased my libido somewhat and that just makes it worse.

 

[StrawberryCream]

I can relate to your post. Lockdown has certainly changed things with my partner, for one at the beginning of first lockdown I caught him cheating with his ex, ever since I’ve been on absolute edge. Always afraid it’ll happen again. Lately my partner has been acting more distant than usual, it makes me feel quite worried actually. I keep feeling really fat and just keep thinking “am I just not sexy enough” and it’s killing me inside! I cried tonight while he’s sleeping beside me. I just wish I could get past it. Hurts so much though

Thats awful, if you don’t mind me asking is there a reason why you forgave him? This could cause trust issues forever in your relationship now, and probably why you are feeling a knock in confidence

 

[Pixipoppy]

I can’t live with the person my partner has become I honestly sometimes just sit in my car dreading going into the house. I’m sure he is depressed but there’s nothing I can do or say that changes it. I also feel I have no one to talk to about any problems I might have, he doesn’t listen - he is so distracted all the time. He still barely leaves the house. We are supposed to be going to Bath to stay with 2 of our friends next weekend and it has been planned ever since the roadmap was announced - we haven’t seen them since last year and used to be very close. I can’t even stomach the thought of spending that much time with him, pretending everything is ok. My gut is saying if I feel like this I should end it, but selfishly I just can’t bring myself to. Where would I go? I can’t afford a place on my own and I’d feel like a failure. I’m also terrified that I’d change my mind. I just want my boyfriend back, not this person who I don’t even recognise anymore

 

[alwayslurkin]

This is what this thread is about so please don't apologise. We all have our own lives and please don't feel you derailed the thread or anything.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I'm only 23 myself so can't comment on a relationship that long but I hope someone else can weigh in. It sounds like a nightmare though so here are some virtual hugs

 

[Bumblebee]

Thank you @alwayslurkin that makes me feel old, my son is 23. Turns 24 in July

my husband is almost ten years older than me and whilst I think that probably seemed exciting when I was younger now he’s 10 years older than me when I’m 44 it doesn’t seem so exciting.

 

[veryfondoftea]

Yeahhh I feel the same and even had the talk with my partner today.

We both feel it is because we live in a small flat on top of each other and will talk again when we settle down a bit.

Neither of us want to rush into a decision when things are all over the place, but we both feel bored/fatigued.

Same here. Things are a bit rubbish with my husband and I but I just don’t feel like I can confidently make a decision when we’ve been in such an odd situation for the last year

 

[alwayslurkin]

How is everyone getting on? I think about this thread from time to time and hope everyone is ok

 

[Peakyblinders]

Same here. However we don’t live together so not sure how much I can blame lockdown lol, just quite samey not being able to go out for a meal drinks etc hoping it changes when we can. Think lockdown has made a lot of people re evaluate their relationship.

 

[bolimepipi]

It's soooo awkward. I just want to move on and get my space but I can't. Viewings are tricky as if the property is tenanted, you can't view it due to Covid. I'm just chugging on and trying not to get too overwhelmed

i can only imagine, for me it's awkward when we get into a fight let alone if we broke up.
just tell yourself you were brave enough to make a right decision for yourself and soon you'll be looking back on it feeling proud

 

[alwayslurkin]

Same here. Things are a bit rubbish with my husband and I but I just don’t feel like I can confidently make a decision when we’ve been in such an odd situation for the last year

I hope it works out well for you both x

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

So everyone who has posted on here about being unhappy.... what do you think you’re going to do?

I think I’m going to have to try and speak to my husband again and see where he’s at and maybe suggest I go to my grandad’s for a bit, I honestly think the only think that will save our marriage now is time apart. Nearly a year of spending 24/7 with each other has become too much.

 

[TJ90]

This sentence aged well, we’re getting divorced . I feel strange I thought I’d be and probably should be heartbroken and crying into my cornflakes but I actually feel happy, it feels like something has lifted.

I think as much as the time apart for us papered over the cracks, it also made me realise that I could be happy on my own and that we’re different people to the ones we were six years ago.

Ah I’m so happy you have come to a decision that’s right for you. Divorce is hard, but you know what’s harder. Being married to someone you end up resenting after years of being unhappy. Wishing you all the happiness for the future and well done for being brave because it’s not an easy decision to make.

 

[jarv]

I can relate to your post. Lockdown has certainly changed things with my partner, for one at the beginning of first lockdown I caught him cheating with his ex, ever since I’ve been on absolute edge. Always afraid it’ll happen again. Lately my partner has been acting more distant than usual, it makes me feel quite worried actually. I keep feeling really fat and just keep thinking “am I just not sexy enough” and it’s killing me inside! I cried tonight while he’s sleeping beside me. I just wish I could get past it. Hurts so much though

That is so awful. I'm sorry. It's not your fault that he's done that, so don't get bogged down in the mindset of "If I was just x, y, z", as difficult as it is to not think about what ifs. Have you been able to talk about it with him?

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

I can relate to your post. Lockdown has certainly changed things with my partner, for one at the beginning of first lockdown I caught him cheating with his ex, ever since I’ve been on absolute edge. Always afraid it’ll happen again. Lately my partner has been acting more distant than usual, it makes me feel quite worried actually. I keep feeling really fat and just keep thinking “am I just not sexy enough” and it’s killing me inside! I cried tonight while he’s sleeping beside me. I just wish I could get past it. Hurts so much though

That’s awful I’m so sorry, it’s not your fault please don’t be blaming yourself.

 

[HoneyBee29]

Honestly I think this lockdown has affected everyone’s sex life and relationship in one way or another. It’s hard being couped up together all the time with very little to do. The first lockdown I didn’t work for 3 months and my mental health took a nose dive and my husband is a police man so he was still working away and I was almost resentful and jealous as he had something to get up for most days of the week then the days he was off we’d just argue and fight and I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him some days. Some couples it’s brought them closer together some couples have realised their not with the right person, I know a lot of couples have split up or many that where newly together just before lockdown have split up as well, but I do think all relationships have found this last year tough even if in the end it’s brought them closer together they’ve probably been through a rough patch at some point throughout the year.