Liz Jones - You Magazine Columnist

[shushablay]

just read today's utter tripe...claiming that she went to interview Donald Trump (she didn't she just turned up at Turnberry, with David, where trump was staying, but there was never an interview) and now she's claiming that she had some clothes with her in case there were photos to be taken and that David had left the bag with the clothes in and the CIA detonated it thinking it was a bomb (it was YSL I wailed) what a load of utter crap, firstly the CIA are unlikely to be detonating unattended bags on a Scottish golf course, that would have been dealt with by local security services, I live near there and there were no reports of any such thing, and there would have been if that had actually happened, and of course she's never mentioned it before, when her article came out about the trip to Scotland, it was more about her and David, because of course she didn't actually speak to Donald Trump anyway.

She really annoys me, how the hell can she get paid for a badly written fictional column that she claims is a truthful account of her life, that's her excuse for saying nasty things about people, because she only speaks the truth..no she doesn't she lies about everything and the sooner that column is scrapped the better, it's nothing but a toxic, whining pile of Sh*t

 

[Holly Golightly]

I haven’t read about her for years. My parents were Daily Mail readers and as a teen I would sometimes read her column in You Magazine. I only vaguely remember she had an arsehole husband.

She was married to a guy named Nirpal for a while and he does seem vile but then so does she. At least when together others were safe!

 

[House of Tea]

She goes proper batshit mental tomorrow. A proper stream of semi-consciousness right from the bottle of whine.
Michael Hutchence is now a "famous ex" and not a musician who ignored her. Everybody hates her. Her husband splashed her in the pool on her honeymoon. Her hair's falling out (like everyone in the world hasn't guffawed at her inch-wide parting).
Where's Betty Ford when you need her?

Nic, is that you? Has she fired you?

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Podcast (I listen so you don't have to): Liz was "trolled" on Twitter over an old article she wrote when Amy Winehouse was alive, the headline of which called her "Amy Declinehouse." A friend of Amy quoted it in a documentary and then Liz supposedly was piled on. Liz said she does not write the headlines. She reads out the article in question from her "archive." The article called Amy self-obsessed, accused her family and record company of not trying to help her, and attempted to amateurishly psychoanalyse her. Liz implied Amy may have been autistic or had narcissistic personality disorder, and talks about bright but selfish young women who "think they deserve an interesting life." Many deeply personal, potentially embarrassing details are given about Liz's sister and sister-in-law both suffering with alcoholism; and a friend's daughter who was addicted to heroin.

Liz says she has always identified with Amy because they both had eating disorders, and Amy writing "Back to Black" about her break-up is just like Liz writing about Nirpal and David. She repeats that she didn't write the offending headline. Liz says her article was deeply sympathetic to Amy yet none of the "trolls" actually read it - in this case it's a good thing they didn't! As usual Nic kisses Liz's Myla-clad arse. Liz compares herself to Emma Raducanu and (again) Meghan Markle. She sneers at Nic's cultural ignorance and "boring" reading material. Nic states that she doesn't always understand when something presented for entertainment isn't real (such as Leigh Francis' Keith Lemon character.) Liz calls Kate Humble "bourgeois" and, in all seriousness, compares her to Hitler for raising lambs to eat. The REAL minimalist is Liz, because she had to sell everything!

Finally, we get onto the week's column. Liz received a call from her "ex-ex" the Fake Rock Star, who had stormed out on her after her birthday dinner. Liz thinks phone calls are sooooo 1980s and no one uses the phone any more. The "ex-ex" announced he had a new girlfriend. He's still Liz's ex then, isn't he. He says his girlfriend is 26 years old, Liz hates young women but only because they use their smartphones too much and don't know who the Beatles were. He wanted Liz to hear it from him before she saw it in the press, her oh so witty retort to this was "I thought Melody Maker had shut down?" Liz calls him her "cast-off." She predicts the relationship won't last because he "mansplains" and is rude to waitresses, which Liz would never, ever do. She points out Nirpal was 26 when they started dating and says that now Nirpal talks about her as if she were Harvey Weinstein. It's not QUITE the same thing, is it, Liz?

 

[Flowerpotgirl]

I’ve found things she writes about other women to be plain bitchy. She hasn’t got anything nice to say about anyone.

I dont think she hates anyone as much as she hates herself. She has dieted and removed as much as she can of her being, and still is dissatisfied somehow. She tries to dress fancy and have lush hair to camouflage her self hatred. It doesnt fool me.

 

[annabelle_bronstein]

Ha I didn’t realise there was a thread on her. She’s very strange, I worked at the same company when she was made editor of Marie Claire, and hid in her office on her first day and refused to meet any of the staff. Her DM column is just the same old fantasist bollox every week

 

[Miss Lola]

Funny, isn’t it, that all her interactions with doctors/receptionists/hotel workers/spa/retail/cabin crew/wait staff etc are overwhelming negative?
Why could that be, I wonder??

 

[Kikini Bamalam]

If Jizzy is reading here, I'd like to say fuck off you decrepit old cunt.


I have never seen anyone so bitter and angry about what other women have, whether it is children, a husband or a pleasant personality and friends. It really says a lot about a person when you have to buy them presents to get them in the same room as you

 

[Wifo1976]

NO ONE PUTS MYLA THONG IN THE CORNER

Next thread title for sure!

 

[House of Tea]

Which would absolutely make sense and was good fodder for her column for many years. I fell for it, I wanted to know who he was! However, how has no one ever seen them together? They’ve never been papped together, no ‘sources’ or close friends (of him, obvs) have come forward to out them. It just can’t be true and pure fabrication for column inches.

It is probably someone minor, like out of The Wurzels or Barron Knights if they exist at all. Look them up if you are too young!

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Liz takes an entire public toilet full of piss on the podcast today, where she says that people who criticise Love Island and its contestants are "privileged chattering classes" and have never known what it's like to feel pressure to have cosmetic procedures or look a certain way. Liz understands because "everyone hates her, no one ever supports her" and she's not privileged at all, she's been in their shoes! All right, she does know what being insecure about one's body is like and she has had plastic surgery. But to say she isn't privileged or middle class is a HUGE slap in the face! Nic complains of people being "classist" and "snobby", why do you spend time with Liz then?

This week's column is about "I WILL NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN". But that's OK because when Liz's friend Helen came to stay (have we heard of this friend before?) she brought "vegan candles", offered to walk the dogs, helped around the house, and "Liz didn't have to buy anything" to prepare for her visit. No, Liz, you just didn't bother because you consider Helen less important than a male guest. Liz doesn't mind no more sex, because men aren't gentle enough with her Myla thong and they lick her moisturiser off her face. Has her habit of separating her eyelashes with a pin caused enough damage to her sight that her dogs now look like her boyfriend? She says sex is boring, but this won't stop her writing about it ad nauseam

 

[Miss Anne Thrope]

he is still incredibly bitter about Nirpal though and Daphne. She called her Garnier Fructis or something similar.

Bitter she sure is. But Garnier Fructis is IRL David Scrace's IRL ex-partner. And it's utterly disgusting of her to use her so-called column to take swipes at real people who have done nothing to her at all (except exist). And who have no means of redress. The way Liz writes about shop assistants, purported love rivals, women with children, overweight women - women in general is vile.

 

[shushablay]

She's really trying to flog that crap book, which btw contains a number of offensive parts and should not have been published...can't wait til someone notices the line about being scared of being mugged by a black man..wtaf??? I haven't read the book, but I read that from someone who has read it and was appalled.

As for today's drivel, firstly she took it to extremes,many people have serious edema in their legs which is not necessarily caused by obesity, and some people who are overweight or obese but have normal(ish) sized legs, arms breasts, but she looked ridiculous with the over bloated body and the skinny face and she really has no insight into anything, yet again her main concern was that she wouldn't be able to buy designer clothes at that size. People often gain weight for a number of reasons not related to greed or lack of willpower and to suggest that everyone who is overweight is a shameful, amorphous blob, who nobody likes or cares about is just stupid

 

[Mediastar]

Ahhh that means on her many jaunts to London she will still be travelling from my local rail station… would love to see her to be nosy!

She is easy to spot, but you tend to hear her first! She tends to bellow this weird Essex nasal whine, which rather jars the ear, then hoves into view. Quite tall, about a 12 I would guess, with the most extraordinary hair, a bit like a hallowe'en wig and strikingly wingnut ears.

 

[Mediastar]

Indeed Mediastar.. I must search out the earlier interview.. sure it was a Guardian piece.The interviewer also questioned her descriptions of distaste towards men. She was known to pour over pics of naked female models intensely whilst at Marie Claire.This could be because of her anorexia of course..I don’t supposed she’d even be closeted, just some sort of repression?

I genuinely think she's broadly asexual, her emotional age is about twelve and her weird obsession with being "hairless" harks back to a wish to remain pre-pubescent for ever. She has never expressed an actual positive emotion towards any man ever. She proclaims to "fancy" men and then despises them. Chance meetings forty yeas ago are various "loves of her life". I cannot recall her ever writing a single sentence either expressing love for a man as a person or for any of their attributes (the baker is a quite talented artist... she has never mentioned this ever She claims to love animals but merely collects them for others to care for.
There is a phase that many girls go through when their first real crush is on a 'pop star' who would be considered broadly androgynous (Marc Bolan, say, or early Bowie) then grow through it. Jones is trapped for ever as a Jackie reader who once glimpsed a copy of Just Seventeen, was absolutely horrified and was determined nothing would change.

 

[Miranda13]

She's giving up drinking...Again...and of course it's another opportunity to take a pop at her sister

Alcohol has been LIZ JONES's social prop. Today she takes brave step

LIZ JONES: Normally, around this time of year, I'll have placed my order at the local deli. Twelve bottles of Cremant de Loire. Ta da! That's me sorted.

www.dailymail.co.uk

Gave up when I got to 'more festive than prosecco which, to my very educated palette, tastes like dishwater.'

Liz if you are reading this - it's snobby bollocks like this which has resulted in you having no friends (unless paid), a family who hate you, and a desperation on your part for a man, any man to look twice at you.

Now fuck off and let the rest of us enjoy our Christmas surrounded by loved ones.

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

If I got her hair colour from my local (very cheap, non-exclusive salon) I’d be pissed off. It’s definitely out of a box.

I found the article and it says that before they gave her a new colour, her hair was SO damaged from bad witchy black box job dye that it no longer reflected any light!! Not so much Midnight Storm as Midnight Sucking Void

 

[Ennui]

Getting back to Liz Jones, I wonder if the Rock Star is all fabricated just to keep people guessing.

I bet it's Chico from X factor

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

I can't actually find ANY tweets where anyone has mentioned Liz in connection with the Amy Winehouse article. I did however find this one:



Being of Chinese descent, am I allowed to say a hearty "up yours?"

 

[Mediastar]

I do wonder what the deal is with Nic. I think she was originally taken on in Devon to deal with the animals, and she’s obviously still in Liz’s employ (and even followed her up to Yorkshire), maybe as a personal assistant of some sort? But it seems a strange, slightly toxic relationship where Nic is mainly there to be the butt of Liz’s “jokes”. I’ve no doubt Nic is under instructions to do a bit of sock-puppetry from time to time as well.
I tried the podcast a couple of times but couldn’t get further than a few minutes. They’re not exactly comedy gold.

Re her untrained dogs: Liz seems to think it’s hilarious and cute that her dogs chew everything and piss everywhere (and maul and kill her poor cats ), but dogs need structure and discipline. Those dogs must be really confused and unhappy. And no, it’s not cute getting chucked out of a restaurant because your dogs have crapped on the floor. Imagine being another diner.

The Nic thing is one of life's great mysteries. When Jonesey had some cash, Nic left a humdrum admin gig to become J's gopher. She got her feet under the table, vicarious fame and a decent gaff. When she moved to Low Row, Nic got (another) paid for home separate from the Big 'Ouse (the deets are probably still online... search Lawn House, Low Row... there's an old pdf of the sales details). It was here that Nic's role took on a darker hue... she was 'tasked' with sweet talking their neighbour so J could get her hands on his land. It all went a bit wrong, the neighbour thought Nic's intentions were more sincere and it kicked off.
Then, of course, HMRC caught up with Jonesey and the jig was up! Bankrupt and disgraced, the houses had to go and she was allowed a modest pittance to exist by the Receiver (it's a beautiful holiday home now, BTW.)
By this stage, bearing in mind how their relationship had developed, J had no option but to keep Nic on (indeed, while J was forbidden to be a company director, Nic was the sole director of Liz Jones Goddess Ltd (yes, really). Now the company is rollicking along with a credit score of 25/100 and is officially 'high risk, Nic is only Company Sec now. The mystery director Adam Kelly resigned in 2018... possibly appointed by the Receiver?
So, now being codependent and knowing where the metaphorical bodies are buried, Nic's future is assured with, I suspect, many promises of 'jam tomorrow' when the novel/screenplay/tour finally pay off (bwahaha). I would be fascinated to know what will happen when J finally gets put out to grass...