Well done to
@Violetx for the stupendous thread title. And the shitshow goes on…
Wednesday began with her looking like a rejected piece of Shrek concept art doing the same makeup look that she’s done for the past eleventy billion years while simultaneously confirming that she is the reason they have to put ‘Beware, may contain nuts’ on the side of packets of nuts. In another garbled message, we heard the sad tale of a poor little covid denier who had had an angry mob armed with firesticks and three spike poles descend upon her house. With all the smugness of someone who’s robbed four grand from a till and got someone else to pay it back for her, she continued the saga of woe and told of the visits from the covid police who ‘she had around all the time,’ as though it was something to be proud of. Word of advice, Truff, if you post stories of you breaking lockdown rules on social media, then don’t be surprised when you get reported for breaking lockdown rules.
Thursday took us to London ‘for the day’. Not sure which system of time Kate is using to measure days with, maybe it’s the reverse of the one that she measures her runs with, but apparently ‘for the day’ means setting out at 11am, arriving at 1pm and then coming back at 5. More evidence of Kate being on a different temporal plane to the rest of us came when she showed us she’d packed enough food for seventeen days despite only going for the ‘day’. The ‘few snacks for Olive’ would have actually been enough for Jesus not to have bothered with the miracle and instead just tapped up Truff for her picnic bag. Whether the hungry masses and a couple of disciples would have eaten cold egg with blueberries and cheese is an entirely different matter though. One would be inclined to think that starvation was a much better prospect...
If you thought the ‘day trip’ to London was so Kate could introduce her daughter to some of the most famous sights in the UK, then you’d be bang on if the most famous sights in London could be seen in the same amount of time it takes Tom Daley to run 3 miles. Wearing Michael Keaton’s cast-off trousers and a pair of shoes you could kick the eyes of spiders out with, Kate spent a whole twenty minutes walking through Green Park and looking at Buckingham Palace on her way to Hyde Park station before we discovered the real reason for the London trip - dinner and wine with a couple of other massive begs and the halfwit who decided a woman with all the appeal of a wet dressing gown sleeve and the dress sense of a blind man wearing a wolf fleece was an appropriate ambassador for their product. Of course, ‘Olive loved it,’ as she always does, especially when ‘We did follower making and I made actually proud.’ Alan Turing is currently spinning in his grave at the thought of the Enigma machine trying to crack that one..
Friday was Launch Day for round two of all the old shite Home Bargains found in an old lockup and have been desperate to get rid of since late 2017. Kate attended a ‘conference’ that looked suspiciously like a trade fair where she teased us with her big secret reveal with the boxes of the big secret reveal in full view in the background. In her best ‘business’ clothes and with her hair looking like Rab.C.Nesbitt's in the before picture of an advert for male pattern baldness treatment, she stood proudly making jazz hands in front of a poster of Scarlett Moffat for a few hours, only moving to attack a poor unsuspecting competition ‘winner’ with her manky brushes. Spare a thought for the county’s 167th most important MUA of 2012 though, as being stood up for the day took a terrible toll on her poor legs and before she went out that evening she showed us how she’d been afflicted with a terrible case of the pool noodles. Sophie Ellis Bextor must have been pissing herself watching the wobbly herbert on the dancefloor.
Another busy weekend for Miss Makeup that started with another terrified bride being made to wear precariously balanced lashes held on with spit and hope. The poor girl must have been too frightened to blink for the rest of the day for fear of them fluttering off during the ‘I Dos’ like a pair of mating spiders caught in a sudden gust of wind. Not content with just revealing the venue, the venue decorations, the layout of the ceremony room, and the bride’s makeup, the eternal bridesmaid also gave the world a sneak peek of the bride’s dress. Jealousy is an ugly colour Truff, leave your brides out of your life of no ring..
She finally showed us what we’d all seen anyway and KHM Home Bargains Ali-Express launch mark 2 was off. As professional as ever with her best sweaty tracksuit on, a face like a piece of microwaved soap and clouded by a slight aroma of hotdog water, she modelled a ring light that’s also available with more settings and for less money on Amazon, some makeup holders that look as sturdy (and as fit for purpose) as the pen-pots my kids made out of toilet roll tubes and glitter on their first day of school, and a makeup trolley that’s about as useful as a lighthouse in the desert. Kate used her puppy snatcher hands to thrash and swing her new stock about displaying the sturdiness and quality of the products by instantly breaking the zip on the trolley.
This is the week that she’s finally flying out to Mykonos for her Maid of Honour Ceremony so the last few days have mainly consisted of her showing us how to pack for a holiday as though she’s doing some sort of charitable service for the plebs on her page who have never even seen a magic flying machine, let alone been in one and to another country, and her getting ready for said holiday. Even though she doesn’t even read here, does she Matt, she’s finally had her straggly ends cut off and now her hair ‘looks so thick’ (it doesn’t, Kate, it just looks less like it was last cut with a knife and fork), and breakfasts and lives up and down the country were ruined after she posted a pre-laser treatment before shot of what was potentially her minge. Bet young Miss Makeup is grateful every day that she came out via Cesarean and not through the door of the Krusty Krab…
Surprise troll rant from her the morning of the flights, she made out as though it was because she was stressed from all the packing of unopened jigsaws and shoes in the hand luggage but we all know the real reason for the be kind symphony - she is absolutely shatting herself over the lack of control she’ll have over the next week’s worth of pictures.. Are we on for another Ocean Beach epic? Stay tuned for a possible part two of the adventures of Kate and her Dangly Tassled Costume…
On a final note, does anyone know where Delo is???
As always, Read the Wiki..
hopefully this works?!?
Xx
