bleeping goggles
Why’s her head going underwater the
bleeping pleb.
AT SWIMMING:
*THM pushes the Leisure Centres door open struggling with 3 bags of
tit she doesn’t need and kicks OHD’s car seat through the entrance”
NANNY HAYES: *sat in the car reads the sign on the outside of the door* WHAT? NO SPECTATORS? OH BLOOMIN HELL I WANTED TO WATCH THIS SPECIAL MOMENT OF MY SHOVEL HANDED DARLING, NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN A BABY SCREAM THROUGH A BABY SWIM LESSON BEFORE THIS IS HISTORY IN THE MAKING NOOOOOOOOOOO *cries softly into her own shoulder*
THM: *rolling her tiny eyes* MUM SHUT UP HONESTLY IT DOESNT MATTER JUST STAY IN THE FUCKIN CAR MMKAY.
NANNY HAYES: ALRIGHT MY HEAVY HANDED ANGEL *wipes her nose on her sleeve*
THM: *walks through door* HIIII IVE GOT OLIFFFF FOR SWIMMING LESSONS MMMKAY?
RECEPTION: HIYA, WHAT NAME IS IT?
THM: OLIVE HAZE DER DELO, IM SURE YOULL KNOW MY NAME I AM A WELL KNOWN GLOBAL MUM AND MUA *checks her insta insights*
RECEPTION: *screws face up* THE NAME ON THE BOOKING IS KATE? *points* CHANGING ROOMS ARE THAT WAY, DO YOU NEED A HAND OR YOU OK??
THM: YEAH HONESTLY SO MANY PEOPLE WHERE ASKING ME TO DO A LIST MMKAY SO IVE ENDED UP JUST BRINGING ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING MMMKAY. ILL TAG HERE SO IT HELPS YOUR BUSINESS *holds her phone out at the Reception girl*
RECEPTION: ITS JUST COUNCIL RUN HERE SO NOT SURE HOW THAT'LL HELP. HERE GIVE ME YOUR TINY UNNECESSARY DESIGNER BAG AND ILL GET THE CAR SEAT FOR YOU
*THM heads into the changing room to get OHD ready for her swimming lesson*
THM: AWW YE OK? *unclipping OHD out of the car seat
OHD: I FINK SO MOMMA, MY SKIN IS ATTACHING TO THIS SEAT IM IN IT THAT MUCH DOW.
THM: OK SO IVE GOT MY GOGGLES, SOME WHISPERING ANGEL IN A FLASK MMMKAy, SOME GOGGLES FOR YOU, A TEDDY BEAR, AN AGE 3 TUTU AND A STRAW HAT MMKAY
OHD: MMKAY?
THM: IVE GOT SOME ANDREX, A NAPPY THAT WILL GO ALL MUSHY AND HEAVY THE MINUTE WE GET IN THE WATER MMKAY. MY BURBERRY SWIM COSTUME AND IVE EVEN STUFFED MAX INTO A BAG..
OHD: MMKAY MOMMA, WHAT ELSE
THM: AND IVE ALSO GOT MMKAY, YOUR FIRST SCUBA DIVING OUTFIT COMPLETE WITH BESPOKE AIR TANK AND SNORKEL. MMKAYYYY. I WAS GONNA BRING YOUR BURBERRY TO MATCH BUT I AM HV SAID TO PUT YOU IN A FULL SUIT MMKAY
OHD: *rolls eyes*
*THM and OHD head into the main pool, she steps down into the pool and lets out a massive fart that echo’s throughout the whole building. She looks around as if it wasn’t here and wades over time the other mums covering OHD’s face at all times incase anyone sees her face*
THM: *talking loudly so other Mums can hear* YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THIS BAD WORLD MMMKAY
OHD: IM FREEZING MOMMA
*The bag that Max is in suddenly busts open and Max comes legging it out doing laps around the pool*
MAX: WOOF!!! WHERE THE
duck AM I WOOF?
OTHER MUMS: *gasp* A DOG!!!!
LIFE GUARD: SOMEONE TRY AND GET HIM DOES THIS BELONG TO ANYONE
THM: MAXIIIIII MMKAY. GO BACK TO YOUR BAG MMKAY. SORRY I THOUGHT I COULD BRING HIM BUT WHEN I SAW NO SPECTATORS I JUST PUT HIM IN A BAG
MAX: *rolls eyes* OK SEE YA IN A BIT *walks off calmly to the changing rooms and zips himself back up in the duffle bag
*The class begins and THM is going the extra mile doing the dance moves for all the nursery rhymes and suddenly her slab back rips open her Burberry swimming costume*
OTHER MUMS: *gasp at the tearing sounds and start gossiping amongst themselves*
THM: OH NO.. *her long nipples are nearly touching another Momma’s leg under the water* SORRY MMKAY I NEED TO GET OUT *trying to get out, cover herself and hide OHD*
*she slips and slides all along the pool back to the changing room crying hysterically at the fact her costume ripped and is down to her knees now*
THM: LETS GET CHANGED AND GET OUTSIDE TO NANNY MMMKAY
OHD: *screaming* IM SO COLD
MAX: *unzips himself and starts to help calm the situation down, he grabs a nappy and puts it on the cold Bub*
THM: YOU SORT OHD OUT AND ILL JUST GO DO SOME GLAM AT THE MIRROR MMMKAY
*1 hour later they emerge and get into the car*
NANNY HAYES: HOW WAS IT MY MONEY MAD MUSHROOM NOSED DIAMOND? AWW LOOK AT OLIF.
THM: SHH MUM ONE MINUTE IVE ONLY JUST GOT IN THE CAR MMKAY!! IM JUST GOING TO POST ON INSTA NOW TO TELL EVERYONE HOW IT WENT JUST DRIVE US HOME MMKAY
