Day ten in camp.
The celebs had won several tasks thanks to ‘rock hard Eamonn & his nerves of steel’ but were fast becoming despondent at having to survive on Jack’s slop. She would allow nobody else in the camp kitchen.
The camp was fizzing with excitement as the celebs took the thumping big jugs of lemonade, liver sandwiches with lettuce, potted spam & gingerbread cake out of the cupboard along with their bathing things and headed down the cliff-path to the pool, glinting in the moonlight.
‘My mom invented midnight feasts’, droned an adenoidal whine in the darkness.
Stony faced Eamonn longed for a hair brush with which to spank Jack but he knew the inevitable wailing and teeth gnashing would wake either Ant or Dec. ‘Clear off Jack’, he snorted scornfully, ‘or I’ll set my cousin on you’.
The celebs unpacked their midnight feast and started to tuck in. Suddenly a tremendous, anguished death rattle filled the still night and everybody froze. Surely the producers would have heard and their feast would be scuppered? What on earth could it be?
It was, of course, Jack, who had run to catch up after fetching the rancid salad bag pesto from her locker and was now trapped under a rock.
Eamonn shone his torch to see Jack, biting her teething necklace as she tried to wriggle free. ‘It’s my Mediterranean arse’, she panted. ‘I’m stuck fast’.
Footsteps could be heard coming down the path, and in a panic the celebs swept up their crumbs and fled the back way to the tower, leaving Jack pretending to be dying.
‘Get to absolute fuck’, wailed Jack, tweeting the tale to her followers as she brandished her penknife at a horrified and very angry Dec.