Jack Monroe #78 All of your food is brown

[PeachyP]

Ex HMRC tax officer here (), can confirm 100% that in any investigation ‘lifestyle’ will be taken into account. Luckily Jackie hasn’t had a holiday in about 8 years so she’s totally fine on that account
ETA: I LEFT because the job made me miserable so please don’t hate me fraus!!

 

[Silver Linings]

As expected she is so puffed up and full of her importance that she’s speaking on behalf of ‘Marcus’, who she had retweeted.

Dickhead.

 

[Froggies]

Jack Monroe #79 Big Mistake. Big. HUGE.

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Jack has just scored twice for United...
No, No, sorry, that was Marcus Rashford.

 

[Emlo]

A reminder that it’s not just the “nasty little group” that can see through Jack. Just cracked up at these texts from my mum (shared with permission!)

 

[jenny2603]

Nearly 500 tweets since she reactivated but absolutely wasn’t coming back.

Her reply to the tweet up thread. “It’s not just me”. Good lord the self importance. View attachment 255520

Looking the organisations she mentions, I have clocked up two years unpaid and five years paid work for one and eleven years unpaid work for another. In all that time I've never heard her name mentioned once despite receiving updates if a celeb so much as thinks of farting in our direction. I expect she's involved in top secret high level stuff that's far too complex for below stairs to know about.

 

[Emmapism]

I genuinely sit here reading her tweets with my mouth agape.

Can you imagine what is going on inside that head?

You tweet Marcus Rashford and suddenly Jack pops up like the Microsoft fucking paperclip 'did you mean to tweet ME? Was this aimed at ME?'

Fuck off Jack! But while you're there can you set me up a spreadsheet? Thankyou

 

[Geetbo]

Can I please request that a trigger warning warning is posted before Brendas bangers in future as I’m not sure I can cope with seeing them again. Thankyou.

 

[OhhBacon]

I'm gonna pause my catch-up and get sentimental for a second.

If a second lockdown does end up happening, it will be shitty. I'm sure a lot of us will battle with our mental health as much as we did during the first one, if not more because WINTER.

But this little group is amazing and you all make me squawk laugh every single day.

When you're not really seeing friends and family it's an absolute godsend and one of the reasons why I get so crotchety when people say all Tattle is, is a 'bullying hate site'.

This year I've been here more than ever and that's entirely down to all of you.

Now fuck off x

Me too! I spent way too much time on here in lockdown, well I thought it was too much time but looking back it made me laugh everyday and I got some good tips about books, podcasts, tv shows etc...

I did take a break when I went back to work, I tried to stay away although I did keep up with reading, thinking I was wasting time on here...but am back and realised it’s been a hilarious supportive little pocket of fun through the last few challenging months.

I just want to organise #tattlefest for 2021. A great big celebration of women actually bloody supporting women and not just using them to flog tat to and get dopamine hit likes from.

 

[Switchstreetz]

omg you are !! Thank you for sharing your expertise step by step, who needs Southend police force with fraus like ours?!

HMRC are NOT kind to greedy little goblins and they see you spending your tax accruals as a pisstake cos it’s their money at the end of the day. If you’re late on payment they start taking estimations of future liabilities in advance, which obvs for a single person entity would be crippling. They’re also more likely to have a nosy on what exactly you’re putting through your expenses as wholly and exclusively for business use, can’t imagine Cotswolds Co will pass that one It’s not a position I’d ever want to be in tbh & if I was I certainly wouldn’t be posting pics up a very cushty lifestyle on Instagram or speaking of my Groucho membership so freely conveniently I think there’s a HMRC base in Southend?

Imagine a universe where in the plot twist of the century JM is taken to court for tax avoidance and we're the star witnesses with our screenshots of circled expensive items

"Your honour. As you can see the Givenchy necklace first appears chronologically in October 2020, see exhibit A, where despite attempts to protect its identity using the cartoon filter it is clearly identifiable. The fraus have chronicledfive further appearances of this necklace"

"Objection! I found that jewellery in a garden, i had to wrestle a fox for it and THAT FOX'S GRANDMOTHER IS DEAD!"

*a traumatised looking givenchy store assistant takes the stand*

"i just asked if she wanted to pay with cash or card, next thing i knew she was slamming fistfuls of rings and necklaces on the counter screaming 'Do you know who i am?! Are you aware of my work?!!!' Then she paid and told me to fuck off."

I hope playback footage from the mirror will be admissible as evidence

 

[BollockSausage]

CABAL I HAVE SOMETHING TO SHARE!

So today I went to Jack’s (the supermarket) and picked up this leaflet - “5 family lunches for under £15”. Thought it might have some good meal ideas for me in it, and honestly I did think I’d be showing you all how their budget-friendly ideas were so much better than Mackies.

Then I looked inside.

You will not believe it fraus. Every single meal contains sausages.

The shopping list for this budget-friendly week of meals calls for you to buy FIVE PACKS of sausages and cook EIGHT SAUSAGES PER NIGHT. Granted, they suggest proper Lincolnshire pork sausages, not the bollock variety, but still. The name Jacks, the budget ideas, and the excess of sausages - too many coincidences not to share with you all.

 

[Veronicaaa]

it's still kinda sloppy tho

View attachment 255212

View attachment 255213

and calling herbs straggly isn't exactly appetising!

Coconut milk wasn't on the receipts.

 

[colouredlines]

Household Name Chain: "OK, what herbs and in what quantities?"
Jack: "Herbs are all interchangeable."
HNC: "And for the chips? Floury or waxy potatoes?"
Jack: "A potato is a potato."
HNC: "You've put a tick in the box next to mince with a fat content of 20%. Why did you choose that one?"
Jack: "Some mince has more fat added. Why are you so demanding? I hate the MALE DOMINATED restaurant industry! You've got FAT CAT TORIES lining your pockets! Now fuck off."

 

[BettyBetty]

My daughter is on way home and texted asking what’s for tea. I’ve told her curried liver. Suspect she’ll just stay on the bus forever.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Food £20
Data £40 x 2
Rent £1,600
Burberry scarf £350
Sentient mirror £300
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is eating eyelids.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

This seems like a bit of a non-sequitur now as the conversation's moved on (she's been very busy today) but scaly forehead? Shiny eyes? Intolerant to cold? I have triangulated Jack's true form:


.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

She cannot take accountability for anything can she? There are people in the public eye who don’t behave like her, else they’d have 70+ threads too. We don’t know what Adele’s labia are like, we don’t know where Mariah Carey scavenged her outfit from, we don’t know whether Kris Jenner RENTS or owns, and we don’t know if Phil Schofield likes wet ham. But we know all of this about her so we chat about it? The solution is really quite obvious hun?

 

[I steal names]

Ooooooo ooooooo the perfect show for mackie, can’t cook, can’t cook

Can't cook, SHAN'T cook

 

[Tabitha D]

View attachment 256048View attachment 256049

FYI Jack, “conniving golddigger” and “secret rich bitch who cosplays poverty” are not mutually exclusive. You can be both!

But I’d just plump for compulsive bullshitter.

 

[MrsOgre]