blurstoftimes
VIP Member
Can the next thread title PLEASE be #74 Jack Monroe - The 19th most important gay in 2014
- Notice
Southend Echo
Thursday, 17 September 2020
The sign of the times?
It was mid-Thursday morning when Jack Munroe, a single mother in Southend, glanced out of her large bay window and saw something terrible.
‘A For Sale sign’, she said, pointing to the bewildering object, her hands still shaking from the shock. ‘I don’t know why it’s there, or where it’s come from.’
Could it have been an error, this reporter enquired, by one of the town’s many estate agents? But Munrow, 42, was adamant. ‘I just stepped out of my door, and there it was,’ she insisted, blaming the phenomenon on a mysterious group of ‘malign vicious bullies’ who criticise her every move.
‘I just want a real home for me and my boy,’ Munroah whispered, wiping her tears on a vintage Vivienne Westwood traazer suit. With a determined look on her face, Ms Munroe then proceeded to wield her John Lewis axe and in two fell swoops, chopped down the offending For Sale sign.
Once the sign had been dealt with, Ms Monroe was last seen disappearing into her impressive two-storey house, muttering something about ‘furious wasps’ and that she was in need of ‘a cuppa’. When this reporter asked if they too could have a cuppa, entry was blocked by three Smeg fridges and the words ‘Get to absolute fuck’ were issued from behind the thick net curtains at the front of Ms Munroe’s house.
Therefore, citizens of Southend, beware. The signs may appear in YOUR front lawn. What could they mean? From where do they come? It might be time to invest in an axe of your own.
Artist’s impression of the scene:
Thursday, 17 September 2020
The sign of the times?
It was mid-Thursday morning when Jack Munroe, a single mother in Southend, glanced out of her large bay window and saw something terrible.
‘A For Sale sign’, she said, pointing to the bewildering object, her hands still shaking from the shock. ‘I don’t know why it’s there, or where it’s come from.’
Could it have been an error, this reporter enquired, by one of the town’s many estate agents? But Munrow, 42, was adamant. ‘I just stepped out of my door, and there it was,’ she insisted, blaming the phenomenon on a mysterious group of ‘malign vicious bullies’ who criticise her every move.
‘I just want a real home for me and my boy,’ Munroah whispered, wiping her tears on a vintage Vivienne Westwood traazer suit. With a determined look on her face, Ms Munroe then proceeded to wield her John Lewis axe and in two fell swoops, chopped down the offending For Sale sign.
Once the sign had been dealt with, Ms Monroe was last seen disappearing into her impressive two-storey house, muttering something about ‘furious wasps’ and that she was in need of ‘a cuppa’. When this reporter asked if they too could have a cuppa, entry was blocked by three Smeg fridges and the words ‘Get to absolute fuck’ were issued from behind the thick net curtains at the front of Ms Munroe’s house.
Therefore, citizens of Southend, beware. The signs may appear in YOUR front lawn. What could they mean? From where do they come? It might be time to invest in an axe of your own.
Artist’s impression of the scene:
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MarmiteExtract
VIP Member
Updated version for safety and security reasons 
colouredlines
VIP Member
Thread title suggestion:
Jack Monroe: She left.
Jack Monroe: She left.
AdultHumanFemale
Active member
This (amongst so much else) fucks me off to no end. I've lived in rented houses my entire life - 29 years. I've never had a bedroom I could paint, I've never been able to hang up shelves, wallpaper or redecorate in any form. Currently cannot have any pets (even though not having a cat is a definite factor in my depression at times - I miss my old cat so much!
)I worked my arse off at my comprehensive school, and came out with way more than 4.5 GCSEs. I've put myself through uni, and again worked hard to ensure I never live in the poverty I was brought up in.
Yet, even with all of that, and having an alright paying job now - I'm still at least 5+ years away from being able to buy even just a literally shitty tiny flat.
Does that annoy me to no fucking end? YES.
Do I think I am entitled to having the things I do not have? NO.
Instead, I still keeping working away at my alright paying job which I am hating more and more each day, because no one else in my life (or random Twitter people) will pay for the things I need, and certainly not the things I want.
It's funny, because anyone who actually grew up poor, or just-getting-by, will know and understand that moving house when the rent gets increased too much, or the landlord decides to sell, or wants someone not on benefits in their extra home - they will know that this existence is just what you have to deal with. Only someone who grew up in the absolute comfort and certainty of their parents wealth and ability to provide would even begin to think in this manner and level of entitlement.
blurstoftimes
VIP Member
I wonder if Jack could give me some parenting tips, while her sweet Victorian child is being tucked into bed at 7.30pm sweetly saying ‘found you mama’, my 10 year old is currently at the park with her friends texting me this (I’m not a bloody boomer I’m a millennial thanks v much 
)
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Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Let’s just pretend it’s like normal
LavaFlake
VIP Member
JACK YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUY A HOUSE VALUED AT 37 X YOUR ANNUAL SALARY. IT IS NOT MANDATORY.
There are plenty of really nice 2 bedroom flats in SS1 valued at £200,000 and below. I know you grew up in a 5 bedroom detached house but to quote the Rolling Stones, "you can't always get what you want".
The absolute entitlement. She is a little madam.
Also is this annual salary her living wage one
There are plenty of really nice 2 bedroom flats in SS1 valued at £200,000 and below. I know you grew up in a 5 bedroom detached house but to quote the Rolling Stones, "you can't always get what you want".
The absolute entitlement. She is a little madam.
Also is this annual salary her living wage one
BeautifulTrauma
VIP Member
Here we are guys, part two is here...
Not my best work, but its required to cheer us all up after the JM shit today.
Not my best work, but its required to cheer us all up after the JM shit today.
traumatised sideboard
VIP Member
Mel Donte
Chatty Member
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Have we all had this notification because I am pissing at it
Inigomontoya
Member
Sorry, should probably introduce myself as an extremely longtime lurker who migrated over from the FOD/MOD threads. Without wanting to triangulate myself, I live in another timezone so am forever grunkaing (grunking?), but love this cabal immensely. Happy to fuck off now, no need to be told!
GrunkaLunka
VIP Member
At least she's finally admitted there are fucking loads of us here.
Upthisweek
Well-known member
Hey Jack! I've been homeless, lived in a refuge with my young child, work for the NHS, have to regularly use a food bank. I've moved over thirty times and now live in a council flat, no carpets (can't afford) and even had to feed myself gravy on pasta once when things were really tight. I'm not allowed to paint my front door or do much really But it's our little home and we love it. Us parents have to adapt and be grateful for what we have. I have no family to call upon and no child's Dad to help out. Try it sometime, when you're not humping your expensive sideboards on your nearly a million pound rental. 
Not to
myself, but part of my job is to use stats and figures about redundancy.Just coming through my accounts alone have been thousands of redundancies. Everytime the News announce another big closure of a big name company I shudder. Gatwick is a big one at the moment. The airport is the biggest employer for miles. If it goes under pretty much all of Crawley and surrounding will lose their jobs.
I'm not exaggerating when I describe it as apocalyptic.
But hey, the real tragedy is 2014's 19th most important Gay person accidentally had an estate agent sign outside her house.
Ffs
Fitnessqueen
VIP Member
Squiggles waking up.....
GrunkaLunka
VIP Member
Oh my God, the "Jack Monroe has hellish day as a for sale sign is accidentally put up" burn was broadcast to the whole of Tattle. I don't know why this didn't occur to me, thought it was only the canal who would see it for some reason. That is fucking hilarious.
Congratulations to @TriviaNewtonJohn for the thread title! 78 reactions 
what a record! You have multiple, multiple dishonourable doctorates in thread titles!
Afraid my dear heart @Silver Linings missed out with her suggestion of: ‘All for the want of a pair of traaazers’. Bit too late to gain any traction (this time)
Recap of thread #72
what a record! You have multiple, multiple dishonourable doctorates in thread titles!Afraid my dear heart @Silver Linings missed out with her suggestion of: ‘All for the want of a pair of traaazers’. Bit too late to gain any traction (this time)
Recap of thread #72
- We’re still stuck in Toon Town. Apparently, it’s to ‘stay safe’, because ‘unscrupulous people [are] stealing photos of [her] son to plaster on their hateful discussion groups’ in order to ‘violate for their disgusting ends’. I have nothing funny to say about this. Seeing as lots of us are parents ourselves and any screenshots of her photos that include her son (that she incidentally shared over platforms of 278,000 people) have his face covered by the posters here - that’s frankly a revolting accusation. If you’re talking about this hateful discussion group, in particular, of course.
- New YouTube videos: one featuring Cooper with the flappy fish toy and one that’s a virtual tour of her living room slash fancy ‘secret’ photography studio. Both in cartoon. I just ... can’t watch them.
- Doggos no longer do it for her, she now wants cattos. Fuck, no.
- Apparently she accidentally posted a nude and then deleted it. Tattle and the world:
- She managed to use the Grenfell tragedy to help illustrate her wish for all incriminating photos of her teen clubbing years to disappear (like the Tower’s ‘engineering details’). Never fear though, she’ll disappear them into her memoir. Prospective title: The World According to Jack: I Have Decades of Experience of Everything.
- She posted a picture of her kombucha batch. It looks like it will have some nice hints of brown, accompanied by an array of teasing top notes of brown, followed by base notes of a lovely earthy ... brown.
- @traumatised sideboard bestowed on us the final instalment of their set of scathing essays about Jack’s DKL appearances here . As hilarious as they were, you will be receiving my doctor’s bill, TS. I thought I had put all my ‘lasagne and the wrong sauce’-related trauma behind me, but your reviews brought it all back.
- Konnie Huq wants to have Jack as dinner guest. Oh, Konnie. How much you need to learn.
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, and bullying ninnies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, and bullying ninnies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
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