Jack Monroe #73 If your attitude is off-kilter, try a cartoon filter

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @TriviaNewtonJohn for the thread title! 78 reactions what a record! You have multiple, multiple dishonourable doctorates in thread titles!

Afraid my dear heart @Silver Linings missed out with her suggestion of: ‘All for the want of a pair of traaazers’. Bit too late to gain any traction (this time)

Recap of thread #72

1. We’re still stuck in Toon Town. Apparently, it’s to ‘stay safe’, because ‘unscrupulous people [are] stealing photos of [her] son to plaster on their hateful discussion groups’ in order to ‘violate for their disgusting ends’. I have nothing funny to say about this. Seeing as lots of us are parents ourselves and any screenshots of her photos that include her son (that she incidentally shared over platforms of 278,000 people) have his face covered by the posters here - that’s frankly a revolting accusation. If you’re talking about this hateful discussion group, in particular, of course.
2. New YouTube videos: one featuring Cooper with the flappy fish toy and one that’s a virtual tour of her living room slash fancy ‘secret’ photography studio. Both in cartoon. I just ... can’t watch them.
3. Doggos no longer do it for her, she now wants cattos. duck, no.
4. Apparently she accidentally posted a nude and then deleted it. Tattle and the world:
5. She managed to use the Grenfell tragedy to help illustrate her wish for all incriminating photos of her teen clubbing years to disappear (like the Tower’s ‘engineering details’). Never fear though, she’ll disappear them into her memoir. Prospective title: The World According to Jack: I Have Decades of Experience of Everything.
6. She posted a picture of her kombucha batch. It looks like it will have some nice hints of brown, accompanied by an array of teasing top notes of brown, followed by base notes of a lovely earthy ... brown.
7. @traumatised sideboard bestowed on us the final instalment of their set of scathing essays about Jack’s DKL appearances here . As hilarious as they were, you will be receiving my doctor’s bill, TS. I thought I had put all my ‘lasagne and the wrong sauce’-related trauma behind me, but your reviews brought it all back.
8. Konnie Huq wants to have Jack as dinner guest. Oh, Konnie. How much you need to learn.

Please do add any other recap points i have missed. I’m not one of the lucky few who are able to see her Twitter / Instagram. Therefore, have not been able to compile my three lever arch files of material. Might take them back to the work supplies shop (Wilkos to the layperson).

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, and bullying ninnies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:

• She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
• Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
• The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

 

[NellieBoo]

She's tweeted baby pics of SB (ovaries are playing an orchestra for another one apparently ). As a reply to a tweet, she's said something like 'yeah it's great when they're a baby but not so great when they're stuffing smeggy underwear down the bed'.



She probably thinks it's hilarious, like when you get the baby pics out when they first bring a partner home. But Jack - he's 10; you're sharing intimate moments with a bunch of strangers; and this is utterly pathetic and you need to get a life.

Ah. No. Not cool. At all.

I know what this is. It's ok to have the 'is one enough?' conversation. Or the fear when your baby starts to pull away from you. That's fine and normal. Keep it to yourself, talk to your friends, family, have a think about what you want for your child and yourself. But do not plaster it all over SM .

ETA: A parent's job is to make their child want to leave. In a good way! To give them the skills and confidence to make their own way. Trip ups on the way obviously. Some worse than others . But the ultimate aim is to make them a self sufficient human being who can move through their world a happy person .

 

[Cookiecookie]

Why would you write about your kids dirty undies? I mean, mine is a total grimmer at times, but I'd never share the specifics, because it's just not right at all.

Even the height thing was worded in a sly dig kind of way. At 5'1, why on earth would you be surprised that your child is probably going to be taller than you? My shortarse mother expected it pretty much from our birth (although she did have the good sense to marry a man of 6'2 to give us a fighting chance )

 

[ops]

How does one find the proposed new thread titles, in order to vote on them please?

 

[NellieBoo]

OMG no. There’s certain things you don’t share let alone to a bunch of strangers. She could have all kinds following her.

Well, quite. There's a whole world of bleeping weirdos out there, unfortunately. Focusing on a gossip site ( if that is what she is doing) is not ok.

 

[Tabitha D]

There was practically a traffic jam near Grenfell due to the number of celebrities travelling to place themselves at the centre of this appalling tragedy. Adele was hovering round like a fly round a sh*t. It made a change for them from fawning over starving African kids and trying to look like they really care.

Oh god, and that appalling Rita Ora was down there too trying to insert herself into everything. She and Lily Allen are both privileged kids doing the pov cosplay - lots in common with Jack.

I assume that the Fire Service have physical requirements in order to work as a Fireman/woman. I don't think JM would have measured up (literally). Too short and not strong enough. Also, don't fire service people do their own cooking while on shift? If so, can you imagine the rest of the crew wanting to eat rinsed bean slop.

They certainly have quite a strict fitness test. Jack seems to suggest she would have sailed through it, although she seems to have forgotten the multiple ailments she has recorded in the past.

It makes me laugh that the weight of the (mythical) sideboard is so precise. 93...or 97 kg. Who weighs their furniture!? . Why not just say...100kg?

Cos she’s lying. Adding precise figures and unnecessary detail into their lies (97kg, 3 of everything etc.) is a hallmark of compulsive liars.

Oh, don’t be tight let her


No you’re wrong they wear tights and sling backs

I think you’ll find this is the official uniform of lady firefighters in Essex.

 

[Alansbigplate]

She posted a picture of her kombucha batch. It looks like it will have some nice hints of brown, accompanied by an array of teasing top notes of brown, followed by base notes of a lovely earthy ... brown.

 

[FrumpyCat]

I think that uber-twit Russell Brand was galloping around doing good in the vicinity of Grenfell as well.

 

[Alansbigplate]

How does one find the proposed new thread titles, in order to vote on them please?

Don’t know I just do a drive-by liking

 

[MooBelle]

How does one find the proposed new thread titles, in order to vote on them please?

when they come up in the thread you press like or another emoji. The one with the most wins.
I'm useless because I 'like' them all which does nothing for anyone!!!

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

How does one find the proposed new thread titles, in order to vote on them please?

All you need to do is press the like button on the post. Any reaction will do, just react and it'll be counted (long press the like button to see the different reactions).

So for example, if I say 'thread title suggestion #74: Bellend' and you want to vote for it, just react to the post any way at all No limit on how many you react to.

Hope that makes sense

 

[Uberrima fides]

They certainly have quite a strict fitness test. Jack seems to suggest she would have sailed through it, although she seems to have forgotten the multiple ailments she has recorded in the past.

Essex Fire Service surely state in their job adverts 'Applicants must have arthritis, alcoholism and ADHD. These conditions will ensure the safety of all those whom you rescue in the most hazardous, life-threatening situations.'

if I say 'thread title suggestion #74: Bellend'

You've won thread title #74 already with that succinct description of JM.

 

[Alansbigplate]

when they come up in the thread you press like or another emoji. The one with the most wins.
I'm useless because I 'like' them all which does nothing for anyone!!!

Ha yeah so do I actually I kind of like most posts I read which gets a bit tying cos then I feel guilty if I miss one out

 

[ops]

All you need to do is press the like button on the post. Any reaction will do, just react and it'll be counted (long press the like button to see the different reactions).

So for example, if I say 'thread title suggestion #74: Bellend' and you want to vote for it, just react to the post any way at all No limit on how many you react to.

Hope that makes sense

Thank you Marmalade Atkins and Moobelle. so there's no file where one can see all of the proposed ones before a new thread is named? It's an 'as you go along' thing'?

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Cabal I am going to be Grunkaing for while as my Granma has come to stay with us for the next few weeks. She has had heart trouble and a fall which ended in a hospital stay and because she lives alone in Sweden no less (we are based in Scotland) I felt it was about time she got a proper spoiling, so we flew her over. It's been lovely to see her again especially since our last visit was for my grandpa's funeral and she has met my daughter at last so its extra specia. My daughter can't travel yet as she has a serious lung condition and Covid has made things extra difficult.

Enough about me though or you will think I am Jack. This is probably going to be unpopular but I think Jack is a bit of a tit mum. I do have what I think are good reasons. Starting with all the sensitive info and pics of him she posted tonight. Also the tweets about his mental health. Using him to sell herself. Discussing him as though he was to blame for her career ending. Deliberately not telling the father she was pregnant. All the failed relationships, house moves, pets,the kitten, going to Edinburgh without him. Spark out on the sofa and making him check she is breathing. Not caring that her antics might lead to his being bullied.

I know no one is perfect, I think most parents myself included would be the first to admit that but a lot of what she has done could have been avoided or handled better. I do think she will lose him one day. The alternate smothering with love versus the resentment at being a mum will confuse him. It might lead him to googling her though I hope not. Unfortunately Jack always comes first when it should really be him.

 

[Alansbigplate]

Thank you Marmalade Atkins and Moobelle. so there's no file where one can see all of the proposed ones before a new thread is named? It's an 'as you go along' thing'?

@Pocahontas keeps them all in 3 lever arch files

 

[MooBelle]

Ha yeah so do I actually I kind of like most posts I read which gets a bit tying cos then I feel guilty if I miss one out

I also feel bad if people don't say 'thread title...Bellend' and I don't LIKE it and it was actually a good suggestion! I want to then say oooh this should be a good thread suggestion, but then I worry I will be credited with the nomination!!
Am starting to think I've had a bad day and worrying waaaay too much about this

 

[Alansbigplate]

I also feel bad if people don't say 'thread title...Bellend' and I don't LIKE it and it was actually a good suggestion! I want to then say oooh this should be a good thread suggestion, but then I worry I will be credited with the nomination!!
Am starting to think I've had a bad day and worrying waaaay too much about this

do you also hesitate wildly between reactions because part was funny but part was sad?

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Ain't that the truth. Have you been reading Tattle again Jack? The clock is ticking!

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Thank you Marmalade Atkins and Moobelle. so there's no file where one can see all of the proposed ones before a new thread is named? It's an 'as you go along' thing'?

Nope, that's too fancy. Just react as you go along.