Jack Monroe #61 Complete, made up, fanciful nuclear-level bollocks

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Congratulations to @Oofadoofa for the observation and @Emmapism for nominating it for a thread title. Joint effort from these two fraus. 40 reactions

Opening up the floor for a thread recap. Now’s your time to shine!

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack v Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread no 31 is the infamous thread on which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on page 17.

For anyone wanting to re-live the glory days of her 2 week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL): Threads 2-9

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. *She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts)*

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time.

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that.

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

Also:
  • She grew up in a 5 bed (mortgaged/owned) house
  • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st
  • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
  • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
  • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
  • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
  • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
 
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She's currently seeking love and attention on twitter and making cakes that don't come out of their tins (and biting the heads off people who are gently reminding her that she recently said Twitter wasn't v good for her)

She took some pictures in her garden.

There was some dodgy poetry.
 
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Question from a tattle NEWBIE... . Who closes threads and reopens? Just wondering how it works!
Thanks and sorry for going off topic, intruged by recap incoming
 
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I just want to chat about fucking puddings PLEASE is now going to be my new personal mirror mantra.
 
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I just want to chat about fucking puddings PLEASE is now going to be my new personal mirror mantra.
I'm trying to insert my first GIF (ever on tattle!) from American Pie (we'll just tell mom that we ate it all) about fucking puddings but it won't work. Alas.
 
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So this app’s account (it’s a collab between Nigella and her long-standing camera man) reposts some user content. And now, there is my pretty Meggyleves next to Jack’s tin slop for all eternity.
Fewmin’.
 
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Decided my catch up is starting here. I've been away for a couple of days in Cornwall and it has been completely lovely. Jack up to her usual bullshit?

I am so happy this is the thread title
 
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It really is quite worrying that she has all this support in the forms of family, friends and medical professionals yet can’t cope without the adoration of random strangers on the internet.

If she was my friend I’d be suggesting that she totally revamps her routine, going to bed and walking up at a reasonable time, no more naps. Healthy eating, taking her own advice (hello good food for bad days), do some gentle fun exercise, bonus points if she involves SB or a friend. There’s so much she could do, cycling, walking, yoga, then in the evening there’s her writing, a hot bath, Netflix and of course all the reading to occupy her. What happened to those morning beach walks?

It’s all a bit sensible for our Jackie though, she needs the attention which is the real problem that she really should address.
 
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Question from a tattle NEWBIE... . Who closes threads and reopens? Just wondering how it works!
Thanks and sorry for going off topic, intruged by recap incoming
VIP members don the robes, another VIP appears to turn two keys in sync like a nuclear submarine, then a retina scan is taken and the thread poofs out into the world.

(Old members follow some easy steps and create a new thread with a link and ask admin to close the old)
 
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Question from a tattle NEWBIE... . Who closes threads and reopens? Just wondering how it works!
Thanks and sorry for going off topic, intruged by recap incoming
Helloooo

I have been recently making the new Jack threads. I’ve been writing the recaps as well, but there are plenty of funny devils that should have a chance, rather than me hogging it all.
Once a new thread has been created, it gets reported and a mod will close the previous one!
 
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This whole thing this evening is nonsense. Twitter isn’t work. Baking cakes (unless you do them for birthdays and weddings or you work in greggs) isn’t work. They are both ‘leisure activities’. Why on earth is everyone indulging this nonsense?

(Hi, I’m so burnt out that even though I’m off work I can’t take my diary out of my bag to write non-work stuff in it. If she really did have burn out and Twitter etc was work, I’d be amazed if she could even have the app on her phone, much less use it for 27 hours a day. That isn’t burn out).
 
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Why does she get into this cycle? It’s the same with ouchy-mouth. Asks for advice then eventually shouts and swears at everyone for doing exactly as she asked! She’s announced her Twitter departure (it’s not an airport, Jackie) numerous times because in her own words it’s not good for her and it’s been advised by her doctor, yet now people are gently reminding her of this she’s back to being really rude. Unless of course you are an actual friend in which case she’s nice to you. Which goes to show she can turn on the niceness when she wants, but if you’re not a blue-ticker or a friend FUCK OFF - “but please join my patreon for endless postcards I’ll forget to send, buy my overpriced photography and also my books which I don’t even cook from myself”
 
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I feel like she just needs to get on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge/Badoo and talk to some random women and begin actually talking to humans who want to have a conversation with it. It’ll also give her a chance to talk about her favourite subject, herself. The Twitter stuff isn’t helping anyone as she’s having to constantly justify her existence on there, which after all her lies, she should have questions to answer.

Saying that, if I saw her on there I would swipe left faster than you could say celery.
 
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I think she may be regretting this evening’s escapades. Enough people have seen her snapping and even though she deleted the sweary ones she has to keep the original so people don’t keep saying get off twitter.

What a tangled web.


This one’s gone now too.
 
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But then she’d have to listen to them talk about their lives too!
 
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Your thread recaps are magical, though. Never fail to make me laugh.
 
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But then she’d have to listen to them talk about their lives too!
Don’t be silly. She’d have them hooked into talking to her for hours about Edinburgh, her no holidays in 7 years, her chemical rollercoaster and her two ex’s

Then she can invite them on a date for afternoon tea so she can finally see what the fuck proper cake looks like.
 
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The way she's spoken to 'Nick' in response to her friend Emma is sickening. The poor bloke is grovelling to her.
Sorry, can't screen shot.
 
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Thread locked. We start a new thread when they have over 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.