Jack Monroe #558 I own a fridge! This is my cooker! Look at my rug! Look at my duvet!

[KebabGirl]

Happy Christmas to the loveliest group of people ever.

Anyone is welcome to join us on the F&D thread for pet pics, food, random.mithering. Pronounced mithering!

Jack, meh. This really does seem like the end. The glory days are long gone, its time to face up to the reality.

 

[Falkor]

Inspired by the Frau upthread who said the thread title made them think of Trainspotting, I give you:

Spoiler: Born Grifty

Sideboard, sideboard
Dirty grey bra on 'board
On the top of 'board
She was a posing Jack
She was a filtered Jack
And tears Rish
And all in your bungahouse Jack
You had
Cooper, Jack
Content, Jack
You had tramadol, Jack
Duped those so close to you
Jack and you just grift Jack
She said please pay me, please pay me
They gave to you, Jack

(Repeat)

Let your rewards slip, Jack
But never your funds, Jack
Random tweets all hours high density random
Sue Lee, sue Martin, grift high density
Squigs are your drug, Jack
Speak to them and twist out
Every last pound they've got
You're getting rich, Jack
Big big time, Jack
Teemill grift, Jack
Shirts and totes and tees and shirts and totes
And forgetting the comma, Jack
You like your income, Jack
It flows in like a river
In spate

You've got a jumpsuit on
You're so filtered up and fillered out
Portrait mode and earrings
Claw-like hand and fun times
On the Tattle forum
And fraus and everything
On the many threads
And forming the Canal.

And look at me, Dad
Selling all at a house
sale at Thorpe Bay in Southend
I just come out of the food
bank in to the bright
media at-
tention
Shouting
Paypal Paypal Paypal Paypal
Shouting
Paypal Paypal Paypal Paypal
Shouting
Paypal Paypal Paypal
Shouting
Donate to my tip jar
Donate to my tip jar
Donate to my tip jar
Donate to my
Shouting Paypal Paypal Paypal Paypal
Donate to my tip jar
Donate to my tip jar
So many pointless things to do
In the bungalow
Jack going back to Southend
Donate, donate, donate, going back to Southend
Look at how I'm having fun
I know why I'm on my way
To a new life of
Grifting.

I think it just about scans. Mr F is looking at me like I've gone totally bonkers!

 

[Lobster Johnson]

Because this is WHAT POOR PEOPLE DO.

I don't understand why sorting mixed veg into single veg equals more variety... What have I missed? This may be, to go back to canal past, my aneurysm.

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

From the last thread.

Spoiler: Bit yucky

The moment you realise that massive stealth fart is actually a shart.

 

[RandomFishOils]

Tell me, who has ever told this talentless cunt that she can write? Her style is graceless, tedious and completely lacking in education. She is too stupid to use classical allusions correctly, constantly misuses words and phrases and needlessly adds piles of adjectives as if from a thesaurus. Her spelling and grammar has never progressed beyond primary school level. Yet who else would have the sheer chutzpah to write this?

She is so utterly convinced of her own talent. A real life Adrian Mole. I would laugh, if only her complete inability to use an apostrophe (as so elegantly demonstrated here) didn’t fill me with boiling rage.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Went looking for a Jack photo and noticed the shit shop is still up. Including the photos of vaguely threatening rusty knives.

I think she’s forgotten about it though as you can’t get a signed copy of Grifty.

Set of 10 Assorted Postcards

A good mix of 10 postcards selected at random from Jack's collection - with approximately 30 different postcards available and a minimum of 4...

jackmonroe.bigcartel.com

Lingreenie by Jack Monroe!

Underwhelmed, by Eamonn Holmes

 

[Copacapybara]

Whoever told her that her writing was either interesting or competent? It’s atrocious. She’s a permanent 14 year old girl trying to get one up on the cool kids who shunned her.

It reminds me a lot of Caitlin Moran, who’s also fond of ‘wacky’ metaphors and juxtaposing super mundane stuff with picture postcard twee raunchiness for every single joke and pointless bits of trivia shoehorned in. All ‘I got out me plum pudding in public!!! I’m madder than a specific shade of pink on a swinger’s living room wall! Hohoho!!!’

 

[hiyaaaacath]

But, but, but... why?

Because she’s the undisputed kween of doing pointless, unimportant shit? Ultimate procrastination. Avoidance of having an actual job for what 10…maybe 12 years? Constantly moaning about being too poor to afford X Y or Z because she can’t get an actual job because erm…categorising frozen veg is vital work in the fight against poverty?

Jack is that lazy person at work that never actually gets a job done, instead using every opportunity to push back, with silly questions or objections

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

NO
FUCKING
HATS

Who do I complain to?

 

[allybongo]

Guest has left so we are reminiscing.

I’d like to point out that guest is a TRUE hero for somehow:

Working 20 hours a day
Reading 400+ books a year
Parenting SB

AND still managing to go through bags of frozen veg and sort into individual veg.

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And they say nurses have it tough….

It’s like the time I got whizzed off my tits and took the stereo apart just to see if I could put it back together again.

 

[fishyfishfish]

For me the gloss/pov jack era encapsulates the grift perfectly. You cannot argue with the timeline (which ran concurrently) of "I'm the poorest gal in the land" and "I just bought 500 lipsticks". I do think stunts like this gave her more confidence for later grifting, because she wasn't (publicly) caught out at the time.

 

[MooBelle]

OH MY GOD I did not know this!! It's crazy to me how everything she does on SM is a narc get-back to someone in her real life. She takes so much time over it too. How much spite and malice and resentment can actually be contained by one person? How does she have the time for it?

Speaking of time, to @Valiofthedolls post above, anyone who has time to MAKE themself (THEMSELF, not even someone else!!) a gin and lipstick advent calendar has way too much free time and no proper work to speak of. Yes I know, 20 hours a day yada yada yada

The date juxtaposition of the coming out as skint with the pic of the huge pile of lipsticks (both April 2017) will never not make me cringe on her behalf. I bet she went on a make up buying binge which cleared out her current account, panicked, and went on the beg.
---


I guess you missed all the men in uniform sidling up to her and whispering that she's a legend.

Yeah, she joined the Gloss site because SBs stepmum was a member. Jack knew she'd see all the Jackolites kissing her arse and telling Jack she was GAWJUS and hoped this would upset her.
Same sort of thing with the 'our blended family ' posts whenever she was with SBs dad and siblings. Things like posting 3 cups of hot chocolate for 'our children ' and the absolutely skin crawling post she tweeted about being cuddled up in bed with SBs brother.
All done to exert dominance over SBs stepmum.

 

[BlendedSlop]

"It'll be hosted by ME. And Matt Tebbutt"

Absolutely hilarious that she clearly saw herself as the main presenter and Mr Forearms as her support act, when we all know how the show was actually structured.

 

[RUOTAY]

Fell down a Gloss hole and found things that I'm sure you've all seen before, but were a brand new experience for my eyes.

Also ashamed to say that I also found a complimentary comment I'd made on one of Jack's posts, to which she'd replied in thanks. I think enough time has passed that I can forgive myself.

When we know better, we do better.

Unless we're Jack Monroe.

 

[MancBee]

I've got work to do today so of course I've been looking at comments on some of her posts on gloss. I know it's one of those places where everyone feels they have to comment and also be nice, or it was in guest's time, but I'm sure some of this shite emboldened her. People did know who she was and they still praised her

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And so much "Ur so gorgeous"
View attachment 2656159

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And she talked about spending money as if with enablers, which is what these groups do function as I guess:


View attachment 2656183
And side note, it's not just the makeup it's the hair products! I know she spends ££££ on her hairstyles but I never thought about allllll the styling stuff needed to create all these cockatoo kumquat peaky blinders bullshit

I have questions....

What was she doing in Budapest? She couldn't possibly tell them about anything (other than herself)

8 cities/towns in 12 days and didn't take sufficient clothing? She must have know how long she would be away. I only hope that she took enough clean underwear with her, though I doubt it after her 4 day tights she admitted to wearing.

5 items of makeup with her, but she didn't were makeup on her trip. Why not take the makeup bag that she says she is no longer ever leaving. Then she could use the makeup of her choice.

She felt grim for days, but was used to working 20 hour days 7 days a week. Why was this trip any different from that which she was used to? Most of her time would have been taken up with sitting on a train, in a plane, in a taxi or sleeping in an hotel. What was so burdensome that she felt grim?

Where are those horizontal frown lines on her forehead that are supposedly so prominent when she frowns?

Breast cancer tweets? For personal reasons she can FUCK RIGHT OFF about that.

4 days travelling and working wearing the same dungarees? Dirty, dirty, dirty.

There are more, many more questions, but I will leave it at that.

 

[Lucky Escape]

It’s amazing that it 10 years of being a ‘cook’ she never bothered to learn how to cook. Most people would panic and read up/research.
I was always suspicious how little on her Twitter feed was about food, before I realised she was a fraud. Most food writers talk about food, ingredients, eating. Jacks was just full of Jack.
I suspect she doesn’t even like food very much. Just be one of those people who’s happy to have a packet of crisps for lunch.
I wonder if she thought at some point she could just slide into be a ‘celeb’ and famous for being famous.

And she's had access to SO much help and support and encouragement, too. Leggy, Nigella, Jay Rayner, the Ballymaloe crowd, three Glastonbury's worth of people on twitter - all available to her, wishing her the best, willing to use their contacts to help her out. And yet, your average 16 year old facing a choice between a Catering T-Level or a City & Guilds Hospitality & Catering course is likely to progress way more in the next year than guest has managed in the last decade.

 

[Nonah]

Happy Christmas everyone. I’m working nights so you can all fuck off.
(love you xxx)

 

[moldwarp]

Just mithering on Jack's DFE spree....interesting that she knows exactly which posts she needs to delete ie the most beggy, deceitful and manipulative ones. If she'd been telling the truth when she protested that she was totally honest and had never lied about her past (as she did post Shattenstone) then she wouldn't need to delete anything, and especially wouldn't need to delete selectively. She'd be able to stand on everything she's ever said.

The very fact that she clearly knows exactly WHICH posts it would be wise to delete suggests she knows exactly what she'd lied about and what will least stand up to scrutiny.
---

I love that she’s been absent so long but she’s such a joke we still find stuff to laugh at

Yeah she's kind of like The Odyssey (showing my Greekness here); every time you re-read it you find something new and startling to dig into.

 

[RandomFishOils]

I actually know a Susan Lee. Imagine if you were called Sue Lee and you googled yourself only to be confronted by page after page of people mithering about 30p meals, Israeli lawyers, and spite orangeries.

There was a phone in on the radio (Ken Bruce IIRC) about amusing names. A lady rang in whose married name was Mee. She was a solicitor and her husband was in banking. They were called Sue Mee and Rob
Mee. She didn’t find it amusing.

Back on topic, I’ve just showed my OH (who hasn’t left - yet) the pic of the frozen veg sorting. He knows little to nothing of guest, but still deadpanned, “How much coke must you take to do something like that.”

 

[SweetTransvestite]

Look guys, just buy more freezers and print more money. Lyn said it's fine.