How can she expect us to believe she's industry group when she doesn't even make a living from cooking? Is it a grifters' industry group? She sometimes makes me feel like I'm losing the plot, then I remind myself she's bonkers.
THAT MAN!: Wassup guys. Crimbo’s coming and we need to get some airtime. I’m all over the Food Network.
Fingers K: I know, chief. If I see ‘Get ahead gravy’ once more, I’m gonna put my foot through the telly and send Jools the bill!
Mom: Hello, my tender ones. Have you heard? Adrian is working on a plan to relaunch the pixie.
Gordon: Pixie, my arse. She’s done, luv. The last time I saw her, she was round the back of Petrus going through the bins. I chucked a fucking ramekin at her and she scampered off.
THAT MAN!: Christ Gordon. Whaddya do that for? She’ll bodge that into a makeshift candle now and post pictures.
Queen Mary: I think that’s sounds like a jolly lot of hard work. Maybe we should let her into this group?
Gordon: Fuck that, Mary! She’s a Jonah. The merest fucking hint of an association and they’ll want your fucking gong back.
James: Yorkshire!
THAT MAN!: Do any of you keep an eye on the other group? It’s pukka. She messages into the early hours, waiting for someone to reply. She thinks we’re all still on there. Some nights she’s really manic but I don’t know why. It’s usually on Tuesdays.
Mom: Come now, my bastions of the culinary arts. We’ve all succumbed to the powdery flourish of a line at some point. Personally, I don’t remember 2010 at all!
Nigel: Guys, we just can’t. I’ve had LJC stay here overnight after one of our events. She’s still haunted by it all. One night I heard her screaming in her sleep, something about ‘Stop streaking!’
James: Butter!
Gordon: Fucking right, Nige. We’ve made the break, now let’s stick to it. You listening, Nigella?!
Mom: Of course, sweet one, but……..then maybe we should all cancel our Patreons?
pass it on X
for the screenie)
