Jack Monroe #489 Come Sun Or Haze, You've Got CCJs

[Potatoes O’Houlihan]

Grifty is currently a ‘limited time deal’ £8.50 on Amazon ha ha haaaa

 

[RinsingHoops]

View attachment 2077108

Feel I know the answer to this but did she ever run the marathon?

Edited to add: why am I even asking, of course she didn’t!

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Good morning ninnies! Sorry for the delay on this, but welcome to the April 2023 Patreon roundup. And happy end-of-Q1, Jack hasn't done a single piece of paid media work of note! #slowcancellation

Spoiler: 💸💸💸💸

Jack opened April 2023 with 456 subscribers, which would have paid her ~£5.7k in revenue assuming her per subscriber average is in line with her peer Olia Hercules @ £14.12 and deducting worst case scenario platform fees of 12%. She has had 2 subscribers quickly re-subscribe so pls don't be concerned re: the accuracy of this if you go onto her front page and see a higher number already, it shocked me too lol.

Interesting tidbit but she only gained 3 subscribers across the month of March, which is the lowest since Nigella/the CoL crisis entered the MSM. However she still lost a fair whack of 26 subscribers, which obvs nets out at a loss of 23 or -4.8%, these churn %s are definitely stepping up as she's just not acquiring any new subscribers to offset the inevitable losses. Personally can't fathom how someone cannot be fucked to do the bare minimum to retain such a large wholly passive income.

She's still up 1.9* on her pre-Nigella subscriber count of 244 so please don't buy that moron's books she truly doesn't deserve ur custom!

 

[Elastoblast]

Wheeeeereee is the Patreon update? @heretoreaditall2019

As long as she needs me (I'll be a lesbian)
Or
Who will buy (me another engagement ring )

 

[allybongo]

Spoiler: I can imagine chapter one

"It was a dark and stormy night as I clawed my way to freedom from the moist cavern of my mother's womb. Much as she would later selflessly drag her disabled self around a kitchen for hours to produce roast potatoes that were marginalised and trivialised by the ephemera of the Internet gutter, my mother painstakingly brought me forth without counting the cost to herself.I was to be a beautiful St Paddy's day gift to me wee oirish mammy. Like an unctuous and unexplained egg atop the lubricious noodles of destiny, I arrived, pink as cheap wet ham with a luxuriating head of hair I could use as a substitute for a personality of my own. Damp and soft and slippery like a delicious tangle of gangly limbs in a paddling pool, I emerged into the world.

And the world knew me not.

My first act was to howl. From deep within the molten rage of my premature, smol body, from within the whiter than mayo irish-Cypriot skin that was too large for my 11.7 inch body, came a howl of pure incandescent fury at the mithering ninnies and all who would in future tell me to keep my legs closed. Due to austerity, there was no clamp for my still-pulverising umbilical cord and due to my parents' grinding middle class poverty no blanket to wrap poor baby bunting in, so the doctor quickly fashioned one from a carabiner and a hacked apart tuna tin, and wrapped me in a square torn from a tee shirt. My precocious mind - the kind of mind that would win a book token aged a mere 11 years old - noted her resourcefulness for plagiarising later in my ground-breaking career.

I glowed with the intensity of my clench-fisted fury, like a solar garden light set on a precious sideboard in the dimness of a crappy bungalow. Softly, gently, the nurses scooped me up and carried me to the iridescent sanctum of an incubator where I would steep in the warmth like tea in a slow cooker.

Humbled, the nurses gathered and whispered together: "this one will set the povs free", "she will be a great prophet", "she will sing the raw pain of a thousand broken hearts", "she will bring unto us the sloppiest of slops and nevermore will knives and forks be needed across this land", "she will feed the five thousand burly labourers for sixpence (with generous leftovers)", "I predict she will be a psephologist of great renown". Slowly it dawned on my mother that I would shatter the gender binary by sometimes wearing dresses and sometimes wearing a suit with the sleeves pushed up, that I would ruthlessly crush the tories by working for them, speaking at their conferances and picking my nose in the houses of Parliament, and that over seven long years I would painstakingly craft an upside down fish pie recipe to defeat That Man in his own niche. I was not like other babies. No, I was the kind of baby who would wear children's clothes into early middle age.

Just as the mother of my fellow saviour of the downtrodden did two thousand years before, my mother pondered all these things in her heart as she waited for my father to trudge the 30 miles from his work 20 miles away. Like Nelson Mandela, who also did some good things, this Marxist-royalist impoverished landlord (MBE) had a long walk to freedom in his humiliating trousers. But it was worth every sanguinary mile he slogged after setting his hose down for the night because there I was: his most important child - smol but mighty, pitiful as a freshly hair dryered kitten but equally already living my best life and owning that haterz. He gazed at me with an intoxicated equilibrium of heady delight. "That'll do," he annunciated, "that'll do. The best thing to happen in 1978."

This is the best thing I’ve ever read in my whole life

 

[Nottonightbabe]

It's this hair that is the cherry on the cake for me. 🥹 She claimed in Mrs Gloss that her hair was falling out so needed to shave it all off. No evidence of hair loss, her grade 3 cut looks even and with no patches typical of alopecia. I can't remember if this coincided with the cancer breadcrumbing? Either way, she looks like a crap extra from Mad Max: Thunder Road. I crack up thinking of that weird single plait swinging about off the top of her napper like a hair pendulum. What a bleeping prick.

View attachment 2077069

It's that weird sneer she has on her face that gets me. Is that Jack's 'enticing' face? She doesn't do sexy very well does she.

 

[Sketchy]

In her blog from 2013 Jack says she is going to a fundraising dinner. Then lots of moaning about no suitable shoes, no money, benefits messed up, no cheque from publisher, and on and on and on about poor me...Then Jack says that she will eat seconds and thirds at the dinner to fill her up.

Has anyone ever been at a formal dinner where you can ask for seconds, let alone thirds?

I can just see Oliver Grift licking her plate clean before handing it out to the servers begging for more please?

 

[Yer_wha?!]

It's that weird sneer she has on her face that gets me. Is that Jack's 'enticing' face? She doesn't do sexy very well does she.

To be fair, she doesn't do *anything* very well

 

[Elastoblast]

Grifty is currently a ‘limited time deal’ £8.50 on Amazon ha ha haaaa

Still £8.50 too much but fair play they need to try and at least cover the print costs before they pulp it. Slop manual reduced to literal slop. I hope the pulp becomes a readable book in the future

 

[Limey]

Grifty is currently a ‘limited time deal’ £8.50 on Amazon ha ha haaaa

They're paying me £8.50 to take it off their hands? I'll think about it.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

It's that weird sneer she has on her face that gets me. Is that Jack's 'enticing' face? She doesn't do sexy very well does she.

Spoiler: No, she does not. WARNED

(Thanks to @Marmalade Atkins @Alansbigplate @colouredlines @Django and all other fraus who immortalized these, and to that daft tit because a shitload of them are still online.


ETA Norman St John-Stevas for @Elastoblast. Here you go, tenderstem

 

[Lucy Aeroplane]

My second hand embarrassment for this is off the scale. I'm in my 50's and made a tit of myself in my youth over boys (they weren't worth it). ..But climbing onto a sideboard in nasty grey pants for a thot shot and posting it on my WORK SM on the INTERNET. Nah .

Exactly. IN YOUR YOUTH. Not as a fully grown adult, and not as mother to a prepubescent child who you should really feel a responsibility to not humiliate on the internet by photographing yourself in grotty cast-off undies with a weird hairband made of hair, on a bleeping SIDEBOARD, in a weird deformed pose trying (and failing dismally) to look sexy.

To be fair, she doesn't do *anything* very well

Sadly far too early for a thread title

 

[TragicSweetPotatoes]

With the exception of SB and Jack’s younger siblings, I don’t.

They stayed quiet on all the early lies about them all over the press, let her build a career based on lies that threw them under the bus. If they’d stepped in at the local paper stage, her blog entries would have been read by a handful of people and that would have been it.

They didn’t, they let her lie and let the lies build and this is the end result. Natural consequences for her (adults at the time) family I’m afraid.

I'm sure Yannis did early on, there were deleted tweets where he disputed things. I'm sure that's what lead to Jack claiming she decked him one Christmas.

 

[NellieBoo]

Spoiler: No, she does not. WARNED

View attachment 2077306View attachment 2077307View attachment 2077308View attachment 2077310View attachment 2077311View attachment 2077314View attachment 2077315View attachment 2077316View attachment 2077320View attachment 2077361View attachment 2077318View attachment 2077352View attachment 2077322View attachment 2077333View attachment 2077323View attachment 2077363View attachment 2077326View attachment 2077327View attachment 2077329View attachment 2077364View attachment 2077347View attachment 2077332View attachment 2077350View attachment 2077365View attachment 2077337View attachment 2077345View attachment 2077366
(Thanks to @Marmalade Atkins @Alansbigplate @colouredlines @Django and all other fraus who immortalized these, and to that daft tit because a shitload of them are still online.


ETA Norman St John-Stevas for @Elastoblast. Here you go, tenderstem View attachment 2077381

Oh my days . Makes me miss insta Jack though .

 

[Veronicaaa]

Oh my days . Makes me miss insta Jack though .

Insta Jack (specifically insta story Jack) was so hilarious.

Anyway, I was watching Jamie last night and he was doing gnocchi exactly the way I do it, so I went back to Jack's gnocchi recipe in Grifty Kitchen to see if it was as bad as I originally thought it was. I looked at the index and couldn't find any entry for gnocchi so obviously thought I'd imagined the whole thing. But no, for some strange reason she's titled the recipe 'potato, tomato'.

 

[FourSeasonSoupObsessive]

Feel I know the answer to this but did she ever run the marathon?

Edited to add: why am I even asking, of course she didn’t!

She did not. She didn’t ever enter it. I went and checked on the website, as the event pages typically show all entrants, so it’s easy to verify. If she’d have entered in a fit of bravado, but didn’t make it to the start line, due to marathon training being actual hard work and therefore beyond her, she’d have showed as DNS (did not start). There was no record at all. Surprising as it may be, the whole thing was entirely fictitious. Shocking, I know

 

[Reagent]

I might be in a fugue state but from what I recall they couldn’t get in touch with her/she never showed up for the sitting so they couldn’t make it.

Anyway, duck that piece of Jack art, when someone’s got THIS magnum opus for

Not the SHEDROOM but the BEDROOM, tender one.

Spoiler

Immortalized as always by dearest @Marmalade Atkins
View attachment 2076901View attachment 2076902

Jack Monroe #462 Tectonic plates make less fuss about moving

Jack has changed her curtains again, 2nd time in the last 2 weeks and 3rd time since she moved to sleep on her sofa Odd to change your curtains 3 times when you’re moving out no? Could she already be in the crappy forever home? I’d suggest this is actually an older picture and she is lying...

tattle.life

I read this as this is where Jack slops.

 

[skronkywildcat]

Thank you for your service @heretoreaditall2019

 

[Mrs Peel]

Lads! Remember the heady days of (was it?) January when she was dreaming about Farrow & Ball colour schemes and generally feeling happier and luckier than the happiest and luckiest smol pixie on the planet because of her new digs? Seems like a lifetime ago, doesn't it?

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

I know everyone talks about the fostering as the key to her needy behaviour. But I wondering if it’s the fact her parents adopted after she left. I’ve never seen her mention her sister ever and her brother in passing. Which would be fine if she didn’t mention every small brain fart she has.