Jack Monroe #322 Mr T Roll and the Mitty Bungalow Mystery

[Wooh]

I'm still completely mystified by the Violet Bollocks Impulse - help!
Nothing about it makes sense...
Jack's collected thousands of shopping receipts from her insane horde of supporters
She will (presumably) tabulate all these in an excel spreadsheet or similar (or possibly some pink Bratz notebooks using glittery gel pens, when her hurty arthritic fingers allow).
She will then be in possession of loads of prices of things from ages ago.
Which will be used to ... do fucking what?

Jack will use the resulting donations to buy herself

Wait for it

A new pair of Doc Martens!

 

[Clovis]

I think there is a bearded gent in the reflection. ETA in a capView attachment 1340279

Good grief, the earrings!

 

[PowerliftingOtter]

Looks like water to me.

There are two empty chairs opposite her, but two bottles of beer on the table. One in front of her and one to the right. So either someone is sitting next to her or she’s on her second bottle!

 

[Limey]

Sorry dear heart fraus I know Jack has gone Dutch oven on us but am still fixated on the so delighted she is visiting Scotland poems () so :

GRIFTING on Patreon?
Jack's in Pickletillum!

Under crackers a wee bit gassy?
Jack's loitering in Kinglassie !

Where is Caroline with the hands?
Jack's fucked off to Silver Sands!

I'm here all week folks, I'm feeling a wee bit William Topaz McGonagall tonight, who was quite frankly a better poet than Jack could ever dream of

'The stronger we our orangeries do build, the less chance we have of being killed' as he would have written if `The Tay Bridge Disaster' had been about wee smol pixies in Southend.

 

[Veronicaaa]

ETA: TBH I would LOVE Lurker Frau to start a lengthy conversation about the methodology used for the VBI, but now that I've said it, she can't really.

That's a really good one, because you can disguise it as being genuinely interested in her body of work whilst also making her squirm. I have no idea what I'd ask, the thought of being in the same room as her gives me the heebie jeebies, I'd probably just be sat there frozen in fear.

 

[Dogmuck]

Dear heart @Stickybeaker33 do you mean the ghost of cool hand Luke with the longest beard in the world?
Here

 

[MarzBarzie]

Robert Burns has risen from his grave to bless us all with a new poem called:

Tae A Smol Pixie
On Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Polis
June, 2022

Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim’rous smol pixie beastie,
O, what a panic’s in thy titmas breastie!
Thou need na start scampering awa sae hasty,
Wi’ bickering rage tweetin brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an’ chase thee,
Wi’ murdering pumble!

I’m truly sorry HMRC's dominion
Has broken Pixie's Patreon union,
An’ justifies that ill opinion
Which makes thee startle
At us, thy poor, earth-born Tattlers
An’ fellow- honest non griftin mortal!

I doubt na, whyles, but thou may thieve;
What then? poor beastie, thou maun live oan Cotswolde Sideys!
A daimen-icker tiffany in tha lugs
‘S a sma’ requet;
I’ll get a blessin wi’ the lave,
An’ never miss’t!

Thy wee-bit shitey housie, too, in ruin!
Its silly wa’s the win’s are strewin!
An’ naething, now, to big a new ane,
O’ orangerie and hydrangie blue!
An’ bleak December’s win’s ur honkin,
Baith snell an’ keen!
Thy posties askin

Thou saw the pay pigs laid bare an’ waste,
An’ weary poverty comin fast,
An’ cozie here, beneath the grift,
Thou thought to dwell,
Till crash! the cruel polis past
Out thro’ thy cell.

That wee bit heap o’ muddy puddle,
Has cost thee monie a weary nibble!
Now thou’s turned out, for a’ thy trouble, by wicked land lady
But house or hald,
To thole the per Rialto,
An’ cranreuch cauld thy feet in snow!

But Pixie, thou art no thy lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best-laid schemes o’ smol pixies an’ goblins
Gang aft agley,
An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,
For promis’d joy!

Still thou are not blest, compared wi’ me!
The money only toucheth thee:
But Och! I backward cast my e’e,
On prospects drear!
An’ forward, tho’ I cannot see,
I guess an’ fear that taxman, the polise, plus Lozza an his pals!

OMG - I’m grunking, and no idea where this will land, but this has ended me! Chapeau!!!

My favourite line is “Thy wee-bit shitey housie, too, in ruin!”

She’s here though, isn’t she? A wee Scottish soirée, in a hermitage, wi’ nae signal?!

 

[trueblue222]

She's coming to Govan to show us how to use a oven. Fanny.

Oh for actual fucks sake. I leave Scotland for a week on Wednesday. Thank god for that.
How patronising

When you think of the people up and down Scotland trying to help folk in poverty and you get this stupid bint going up and down the UK acting like the tosser she is

 

[Onestorytoomany]

Thread title

I have been caught short once or twice when I was younger and I just used alot of toilet roll. Is that maverick, newspaper would cut the floof of ya!

 

[MsGilmore]

The silence is deafening! I keep thinking that it’s a silent protest, but that’s not really Jack’s style!
Probably away with OH again. Must be the only way to avoid the slop!

 

[allybongo]

Some professor on BBC news this morning talking about food pov and bollock sausages and the impending government white paper.

I’m so hungover I’m almost blind but deffo no sign of our smol slopsista

Strange. As she’s the literal expert

 

[trueblue222]

This made me laugh harder. You can watch online for a donation. Helping those society has left behind. Her fucking arse. Do these people never watch the shit show that is her twitter?

 

[TbilisiPeach]

I tried to find a gif of Yolanda cycling by the canal, but this came up and seems fitting.

 

[trueblue222]

There will be some saga
If she can’t find an Aga

There will be some crap

If she can't have a dino nap

 

[Archduchess of Luxembourg]

Late to the party...

Ego feels sore?
Head to Aviemore

 

[RaeRae]

We all wondered what her little gift to herself would be after the most recent patreon pay out. So this was it. Straight on to booking.com or whatever.

You have a good point. I bet all big spends will tie in with Patreon pay out time.

 

[Captainmouse]

Will ainsley become her next target, with his good mood food program?

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

I couldn't care less what kind of life she has. If she's happy or miserable
She has done harm to so many people

She can go fuck herself as far as I'm concerned

She probably does since Harold doesn't exist.

 

[Switchstreetz]

Whisk her back Harold. WHISK. HER. BACK. Also what's this thing having an existential crisis in her sunnies.

View attachment 1340450

The sentient mirror is at the end of its tether. The things it's seen Frauen...they cannot be unseen...

 

[TbilisiPeach]

I'll do the new thread. Just give me a moment.