Jack Monroe #267 Could it be a different scheme you helped set up?

[jenny2603]

I once smoked in bed because I’d broken up with someone who was fucking obsessed about not smoking in bed and even though I didn’t smoke in bed, now I was free I was damn well going to. The end flicked off into my not shallow cleavage and the more I tried to pick the burning cherry out the further down I pushed it. Eventually I ejected it on to the carpeted floor of my RENTED flat and had to smash my hand on it to put it out. and even that was less painful than eating a Jack Monroe recipe

If it's any comfort a woman I used to work with lost her virginity at 15 to her boyfriend at home in her bedroom. Followed that up with a celebratory first draw of a post coital fag, set fire to the bed and got pregnant all in one go. She attributes that to her developing problems with her nerves in life.

 

[jenny2603]

View attachment 1118603
“My sister talks about other people on that website and it’s fine”
I hope the sister is a Frau

If any Fraus get a lecture from their sister this weekend about their Tattling ways. I demand they share with the rest of us.

 

[KebabGirl]

This popped up on my Twitter feed - a tweet praising Jack (that she liked) with comments.

A stealth signpost. Come on over, you too can sit with the cool kids.

 

[Orphan_Black]

This popped up on my Twitter feed - a tweet praising Jack (that she liked) with comments.

View attachment 1118283

A stealth signpost. Come on over, you too can sit with the cool kids.

We're actually a very very happy cabal. TOOT TOOT!

 

[HotesTilaire]

Louisa Louisa you know your DEAD childhood pet dog Sophie, here’s a picture of her on some yoghurt
Louisa Louisa my kitten is called Pretzel but also Sophie like your dead dog
Louisa Louisa are you on a work zoom, I’m gonna do a nudey streak
Louisa Louisa look I’m dressed like an evil Mary Poppins who you loved as a child
Krank

 

[HotesTilaire]

Oooh I won a thread title! I’d like to thank the squig who said it, and Marm, Silver and Sawyer who have been screenshotting faster than you could say “file your accounts!” I assume my prize is a forever home with a spite orangery, and if it isn’t I shall sue.

 

[kachoochoo]

TOOT TOOT @panda_eyes

 

[Peachy9]

View attachment 1116919
(Sorry, a bit behind the thread thanks to time zones.)

Christ on a cracker! How much electricity does she use?

I saw this and the first thing I thought was “Is she growing weed in the not-basement of the not-shitty not-bungalow???”

Ughhh, having to grunk through 24hrs of Jack, which in jack-time is quite the ride.

But saw this and I'm puzzled. Why the FUCK would she be on either of these tariffs? They are tariffs that include boiler care as part of the monthly DD.... In case she hasn't mentioned it recently, she RENTS.

The boiler is maintained by the landlord. She only has to pay for the energy she uses. She's clearly gone onto the tariff page and scrolled through the various available ones until she found one shocking enough to share on twitter. Why are the squigs not questioning this?

 

[Feck]

Suspicious that 'Mr My Sister Uses Tattle To Slag off Other People But Am Horrified They'd Attack A Campaigner' is a . No evidence, ma'lud, just that the account was only created this month and the first retweet was a Jack article followed by much arse licking and usage of similar language. All conjecture, of course.

Suspicious that 'Mr My Sister Uses Tattle To hag off Other People But Am Horrified They'd Attack A Campaigner' is a . No evidence, ma'lud, just that the account was only created this month and the first retweet was a Jack article followed by much arse licking and usage of similar language. All conjecture, of course.

Quoting myself like a twat but had to share a few of the 23 accounts that they happen to follow. Presented without comment.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Has anyone claimed the freezer fish yet? We need to give them a viking funeral while Requiem for a Bream blasts out of someone's phone. Rest In Pisces frosty friends

 

[DinosaurSenior]

I know we've moved on from this...but Jack wearing a tartan outfit to the Scottish Greens conference feels Ike me going to London dressed as a beefeater

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Recap:

1. Jack went to The Big House (no, sadly not to prison as Ruby Rose's stand-in, but Parliament) to sniffle and whine about her own experiences of The Destitution and to say that the government are literally KILLING PEOPLE
2. She appeared on television looking simply stunning in a crispy orange Lego hairpiece
3. She suddenly and inexplicably has it in for her landlady and can't wait to leave her draughty manor of misery which is simultaneously also the only place that she and her son have felt at home after 120532 moves
4. Still does not understand how to use apostrophes
5. Lights OFF

Also can the ~tildes~ fuck off now please and Thankyou x

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Please god if you’re listening don’t let that be my sister I’ll die of shame not that I’m on here but the fact my sister is a Jack fan girl.

A new novel, from Judy Blume.

 

[colouredlines]

Omg, I just remembered her smoothie bowls days! I haven’t dreamed this up, have I? It was during the days I still loved her

There was something so creepy about her smoothie bowls - the captions were always along the lines of "I got up at 4am to make this bowl for Mrs J, complete with a tiny Eiffel Tower built out of chia seeds, while I will be eating a single mouldy nectarine because I am selfless and I love her so much and she will never leave!!!"

 

[HotesTilaire]

They still make lemon jelly squig. And google, they still make google.

 

[jenny2603]

Oh god, I’d forgotten “wife you right up”. *shudder*

It's terrifying isn't it? Imagine being awakened in a bed that probably has oven trays and Smart Price cornflakes in it by a nasally whisper that says "I'm going to wife you right up" and then being handed a bowl with a picture of a deceased childhood pet in it. I'm stoic by nature but I think that I would cry. Why is she like this? Horrid, horrid creature.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

I don't need anything else of hers. I'm ridiculously happy in my fortress of Asda receipts and press clippings with my lawnmowers and all the Christmas decorations tastefully draped round my two bicycles while I cook up slop in her dead grandfather's cast iron pan over my multitude of camping stoves. TOOT TOOT.

 

[MancBee]

The idea of Manc Bee getting all suited up to go neutralise the spoons at the slop scene has left me a little flustered View attachment 1116215

Last weekend, my partner was up from London (the move north has been delayed due to world events🔺️). Marcus came on TV.

Mr Bee said "who's that?"
I said "it's me"
Mr Bee replied "Ohhh God yes, it is you!" followed by "who is it really?"

I was NOT in a hazmat suit at the time.

 

[jenny2603]

Great to see Jack doing her bit to help the Trussell Trust by retweeting this. Can anyone think of anything else Jack could do to help the Trussell Trust?

 

[MancBee]

It's taken me all day to catch up. I've done absolutely nothing else. I should be ashamed (I'm not) for being so lazy.
You lot have kept me smiling and laughing all day. I really needed it too.