Couldn't sleep so gently, softly tracked down an eyewitness account of Jack rocking up to Conference. PayPal details below, tysm x
13:15
Jack enters the conference centre and swaggers up to the main auditorium doors. A burly security guard stands between her and glory, arms folded.
"Hi, I'm Jack Monroe - writer, author, campaigner, activist, cook, TV presenter on hiatus, sideboard collector, daily Pythagoras user, ballot spoiler and lover of classic sweets -"
"Yes Mx Monroe, we're aware of your body of...work. However, there seems to have been some mistake. We have you down as being in the Regency room, just down the hall there."
"No, you must be mistaken. I was voted the 19th most important gay in 2014, was diagnosed gifted and once cooked a three-course dinner for Mary Portas, for duck's sake. I'm simply too well-known to be relegated to a fringe panel."
"I'm sorry Mx Monroe but I can only go by what it says here. You also appear to be *checks watch* 45 minutes late to your panel..."
"Yes, well, my train was delayed, I had a SEVERE stitch in my side from running all the way here and just as I got to the building I had to take a life-or-death call from a political prisoner wondering what to do with an old can of banana blossom, that OK with you?? Did the cabal put you up to this!?"
"Cabal? I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Never mind, I'm currently being held to account trolled by a mendacious group of ephemeral ninnies and am consequently seeing haters behind every sideboard."
Chewing her bottom lip (making sure to avoid the 50p size hole) she briefly mulls the situation over. Maybe she is mistaken after all. The Regency sounds suitably grand, so she'll probably feel right at home, and a whole herd of potential new Patreons could be in attendance. Her mind made up, she scampers down the hall.
Another security guard stands watch outside the Regency suite. Sadly, this one takes his job very seriously indeed.
"Hi, Jack Monroe. I'm here for the panel on food poverty."
"Let me see your ID pass, please."
"tit, I must have left it on the counter in WH Smith while paying for my two bags of massively overpriced sweets."
"Then I'm sorry, but I can't let you in. You could be just anyone."
"Look, I'm slightly late for my speaking slot. I can show you my tattoos."
"I'm sorry, tattoos are not a valid form of ID."
"How many people do you know who have the Hippocratic Oath tattooed on them?"
"That would be none. Also, you should have kept your legs shut. I know that's a complete non-sequitur, but I had to say it so you can include it in your anecdote later about how you were victimised yet again."
"Get to duck!"
Jack deftly kicks the guard in the shins then crawls under his legs as he doubles up in pain. She sprints for the Regency suite door, the world suddenly turning to slow motion.
"Come back here!" she hears him roar behind her in hot pursuit.
Grabbing a fistful of Opal Fruits from her bag, she throws them over her shoulder, hoping to induce a comical pratfall she can tweet about later for sweet engagement. Unfortunately, the guard is wise to her attempt at sweet-based sabotage and avoids the scattered cuboid smol slabs. He catches up to her and grabs her by the cuff of her 'Georgie from IT' anorak.
"White trash don't get to go to Conference," he snarls.
Suddenly a voice booms from across the hall.
"What do you think you're doing? Unhand that person at once. I'll have you know they're my dear comrade and I invited them here personally."
The guard gulps as Comrade Corbyn strides towards him. Sure, he's not the leader of the party anymore, but the guard still recognises his authority in this situation.
"Um...apologies for the misunderstanding, Mx Monroe. Please proceed."
Jack turns to shoot her saviour a toothy grin. "Cheers Jez," she gushes, following up with a signature awkward laugh. "I'll ping you over a copy of my new book when it's out in the Spring."
She pauses briefly before the doors to collect herself and go over her speech. As a former foodbank user and single mum on benefits...
That'll do.
) beyond two smol mentions at all!
), yet put nothing on Twitter in the lead up to it. How can someone who has spent so much time on social media be so useless at it?
) 
