Jack Monroe #206 I wouldn’t trust her with a spam fritter

[Cookiecookie]

I love how obvious troll appearance has turned into the cabal Mastermind Special Edition, subject matter Jack Monroe.

She must have been sat there eating her glittery biscuit abomination, not allowed to start fights on Twitter by whoever, and got bored wondering what to do with the rest of the night.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

So our visually-impaired cabal members can enjoy the sweatshirt meme:

A woman wearing Hunter S. Thompson-style orange-lensed sunglasses stands hunched over with finger guns pointing at a slogan on the front of a poorly-fitting cheap-looking navy blue child's size sweatshirt which reads 'NEVER GIVE UP'. For no discernible reason, there are stock lens flares at the end of both index fingers. She is pouting like a thirteen-year-old girl in her latest Bebo selfie in an attempt to give herself defined cheekbones. No sense of shame is visible. A plant with large green leaves is partially blurred in the foreground.

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Oh my days NEW GAME, NEW GAME!!! The cabal selects their favourite Jack posts and does image descriptions for them. Someone do Mary Poppins please!

Jack sits holding a handful of hair, ugly crying in front of a bookcase filled with tomes that have never been opened.
She is wearing what looks like a very itchy jumper in the hope that the Chancellor of Exchequer will be her friend.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Is this.....a test?

This is the exam for your GCSE in chaos, hopefully you’ve got your clear pencil case at the top right hand corner of your desk with your student ID facing upwards. Please remove all labels from water bottles and put scarves and hoodies on the backs of your chair. Good luck

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

At this point we’re just going to have to replace me with a bot that repeats her dad is a multi property landlord

Her first book references a £4k watch she was given for her birthday

She’s live tweeted chronic diarrhoea there is no secrets left between her and this coven

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

The absolute state of that baking tray.
AGAIN.

Absolutely minty isn’t it imagine having the endless hoarded stuff she has and choosing that filthy tin.

I've read some of it. I'm not a troll, no. Just someone who isn't convinced Jack is all 100% terrible. I don't think she's above criticism but I don't think she's as bad as some people make out. I think she has genuine difficulties with organisation and people skills, and she commits to things she can't actually fulfill. I also think she needs help for her mental health. But I don't think she's malicious.

She’s stated many times that she has access to private healthcare (three therapists on speed dial) and has recently been dropping hints about extensive “treatment” that necessitated a stay in central London. She has the means to get help, just malignant narcissists are often resistant to treatment because it’s everyone else who is wrong, not them.

Also she’s extremely malicious: there was a thread or two in which a former friend of hers came on and said nothing particularly bad and she sent cease and desist letters to her from her lawyer. If she knew that she had been honest about her circumstances she’d have no need for litigation to stop the truth coming out. Also doesn’t strike me as a particularly accessible solution to the “working class” to rely on costly solicitors.

But there’s a rave section if you feel there’s a real injustice being committed here.

 

[Veronicaaa]

LMAO

 

[NomDeGuerre]

Thanks to Pointless we now know she’s less well known than a jackfruit.

“less well known than a jackfruit” for thread title PLEASE!

 

[NomDeGuerre]

Allegra’s kitchen scares the shite out of me. I’m hardly Marie Kondo but you could ditch a good 40% of that clutter and still not see any work surface.

 

[blurstoftimes]

Her world must be amazing to live in. Imagine "being incredible" at everything in your own mind.

also she was reading her parent’s books at four but then had regressed to charlie and the chocolate factory by six? What was going on there? (oh yeah…she’s full of shit)

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

I love how the cabal are all trained bloodhounds, there is very little they cannot track

I didn’t expect to be coming out of lockdown on track for a Master’s degree in Jack Monroe Studies but here we are!

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Cable! Guess what day it is?!

Clue:

One year ago today was the greatest day in Twitter internet world history!

Spoilered because it's long and old.

Spoiler: The Accidental For Sale Sign

screenshots: @kachoochoo

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Can you imagine Jack writing her own image descriptions? They'd be interminable.

I, Jack Monroe, writer, author, writer, campaigner, former single mother on benefits, one-time food bank user, cook, famously non-binary, quasi-religious, accidental conqueror of my own fears, undiscovered singing talent, television presenter taking time off, inventor of #thunderclapforcarers, saviour of political prisoners stand in the kitchen of my shitty bungalow (which is RENTED) leaning up against a wooden worktop in a completely relaxed and not uncomfortable looking position. I, Jack Monroe, am wearing an outfit consisting of an impeccable but stained navy blue cable knit sweater with a blue formal shirt buttoned up to the neck underneath. I, Jack Monroe, am also wearing a light wash denim jacket with faux sheepskin collar and a pair of stone-coloured jeans. I, Jack Monroe, have completed my masculine aesthetic with a pair of very clean and stylish trainers. I, Jack Monroe, stare confidently into the lens as I (Jack Monroe) am finally feeling happy and content and like my true self after months of misery and suffering.

 

[colouredlines]

Could this all be a passive-aggressive swipe at Mr Forearms, formerly of the Cheeky Little Duo, whose photos from that recent awards do suggest he was not just on sparkling water or diet coke?

BTW I just noticed that she hashtagged #friendshipgoals on a selfie taken alone. Next level cringe!

 

[colouredlines]

You'd hate to be rehab buddies with Jack:

* she'd sidle up to the bar and hand over a card saying, "we're all alcoholics, don't serve us alcohol under any circumstances"

* she'd corner you at the Naughty End of the table to bore you shitless with her personal dramas and make you dissect the reasons She Left

* she'd embarrass you in front of the waiter - "Tell the chef it wasn't a bad effort for a carbonara, but personally I'd put in halloumi, cabbage, and Lorne sausage. Oh, and spraying it gold would make it a bit more festive."

* ...and worst of all, she'd bring cake.

 

[HotesTilaire]

Solero, anyone?

 

[MaineCoonMama]

An orange-coloured cat is asleep.
That'll do.

 

[blurstoftimes]

It would be ironic if cheap meat muncher monroe was also a climate change activist. Her latest bandwagon do we think?

Jack’s last attempt at writing about climate change involved an article in which she compared herself to Greta Thunberg

It also featured one of my favourite Jack fantasies of all time…the fantasy being that as a child she was basically Matilda

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

Oh my days NEW GAME, NEW GAME!!! The cabal selects their favourite Jack posts and does image descriptions for them. Someone do Mary Poppins please!

Jack is wearing enough foundation in a too pale shade that her face resembles the Death Mask of Napoleon Bonaparte if he were to be sporting a red lip and fifteen coats of mascara at the time of death. She is wearing a bright blue coat and a black hat in a bizarre mating ritual designed to attract people with a fetish for Nannies as played by Julie Andrews in particular. The expression on her face is chilling and her eyes are, in the words of Quint 'lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes'.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Just came across some squiggle fun.