Jack Monroe #189 Food Crime Pie

[PoorPatrol]

I did feel like a bastard last night duffing up the dough. Was following the recipe to the letter though!

In hindsight, the dough ended up being the true slimy bastard and deserved the beating.

This has reminded me of that Game of Thrones episode ‘Battle of the Bastards’

When you play the game of cook with Jack, you win or you die

 

[Powershower]

So, it soon turned out this morning that although there are only seven ingredients in this recipe, it's not possible to get all of them in one single supermarket. It took me 45 minutes, with the benefit of a car, to make it around THREE (of course!) supermarkets in my local vicinity. On foot, in the pissing rain, this would have taken me 2.5 hours, a good coat and shoes, and a great deal of mental strength not to just buy a tin of soup and duck off home. Our Tesco is also at the top of a hill. All in all, I went to Lidl, then Tesco, then finally Asda, to source cannellini beans. Luckily I found butter beans in Lidl first off as Asda had run out.

When I read the recipe and realised it involved boiling onions and garlic, I also decided to make two versions, one with slightly elevated ingredients and methods. Anything not labelled in the photo is a thing I already had. Including the book, to my great shame. View attachment 570805

I’m glad no one is in the same room as me as I am HOOTING at “our Tesco is also at the top of the hill”

all that for some spinach

 

[Hollaaa]

I need to bring the one on the left to a rolling boil. Cold water + stock cube = good idea? Jack suggests using frozen spinach because tinned tastes 'grassy'. I couldn't find any tinned spinach to test that theory out.

On the right I'm cooking off onions and 4 cloves of garlic in profligate and fancy French butter, like some kind of bad poor. Excuse the state of the Le Creuset, darlings.

 

[Billybellend]

Ohhh this could be fun. Names for Jack's bread.

Turn me on tortilla
Been near me chuff ciabatta.
Nip up to bed Naan
"Fancy a" roll
Bonk me baguette
Pity me pita

Mrs. B, blunt as ever, has offered up the following:
tit Bread

 

[Hollaaa]

Mrs. B, blunt as ever, has offered up the following:
tit Bread

A close relation of tit the Bed Bread?

 

[Billybellend]

A close relation of tit the Bed Bread?

Yes - for that, you simply need to eat it raw

 

[Emmapism]

I’ve just been vaccinated & we’ve got fresh slop on the boil/ferment/fester, what a wonderful world x

I'm getting my first jab tomorrow! Scared (hate needles)/excited in equal measure.

 

[Hollaaa]

I have 20 mins to let the one on the left simmer, during which time the cannellini beans will apparently become creamy. I will not be roasting my onion peelings. I'm making mine with butter beans because I do like them, and because I won't be making them into chocolate digestive biscuits (niche Bagpuss reference there for the sixth formers).

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

World Breads From Jack

Vomit Inducing Vanocka
Boak Baguette
Yucky Yufka
Barf Baklava
Pukin' Pumpernickel
Boufin' Butteries
Objectionable Obi Non
Boggin' Bannocks
Fetid Flatkaka
Maloderous Matzoh
Poisonous Paratha

Speciality Swedish breads (stay the duck away from Sweden Jack).

Calignous Knäckerbröd
Totally Toxic Tunnbrod
Lethal Limpa

 

[HotesTilaire]

Available now in supermarkets

Mamapapa’s Pride
Warblurghtons
Kingswill
Sliced wet tin

 

[MancBee]

I can't believe that I forgot the obvious

Grifters granary

 

[PoorPatrol]

View attachment 570848
View attachment 570849
I have 20 mins to let the one on the left simmer, during which time the cannellini beans will apparently become creamy. I will not be roasting my onion peelings. I'm making mine with butter beans because I do like them, and because I won't be making them into chocolate digestive biscuits (niche Bagpuss reference there for the sixth formers).

I now think that when the cable does a Jack cook along, a proper version should be made alongside it for comparison. I should have done my own tomato and herb cheese muffins yesterday, alongside the 6mm high scuffins. Rookie mistake

I make a lot of soup. Today’s is French onion. I can’t cope with the concept of cold onions and garlic purée I cooked down my onions earlier for about an hour, and they were like silk by the time I added the beef stock. Why does Jack think that all chefs on the telly sweat their onions down? For a laugh!

 

[waffle maker]

@Hollaaa this is amazing- I can’t look away.

 

[Switchstreetz]

I’ve just been vaccinated & we’ve got fresh slop on the boil/ferment/fester, what a wonderful world x

I see marshy green
afterbirth oats too
An uncooked egg
For me and you

And I think to myself
What a mendacious world

 

[Hollaaa]

The marshy green slop is living up to its name, and at the time of the photo was about halfway through the sloppening.
I've added a fancy chicken jelly stock pot to mine, and 250ml of water.

I can hear sirens and I'm concerned someone has reported me for crimes against onions.

 

[Pocahontas]

So, it soon turned out this morning that although there are only seven ingredients in this recipe, it's not possible to get all of them in one single supermarket. It took me 45 minutes, with the benefit of a car, to make it around THREE (of course!) supermarkets in my local vicinity. On foot, in the pissing rain, this would have taken me 2.5 hours, a good coat and shoes, and a great deal of mental strength not to just buy a tin of soup and duck off home. Our Tesco is also at the top of a hill. All in all, I went to Lidl, then Tesco, then finally Asda, to source cannellini beans. Luckily I found butter beans in Lidl first off as Asda had run out.

When I read the recipe and realised it involved boiling onions and garlic, I also decided to make two versions, one with slightly elevated ingredients and methods. Anything not labelled in the photo is a thing I already had. Including the book, to my great shame. View attachment 570805

Did you have Pythagoras’s theorem in mind when choosing your Jackuminati coaster?

 

[LeftToMyOwnDevices]

I'm getting my first jab tomorrow! Scared (hate needles)/excited in equal measure.

@Emmapism i had mine last week at Guy’s, very well organised and didn’t hurt at all, although no sticker for bravery, alas. Easier said than done but try not to worry x

 

[HotesTilaire]

The marshy green slop is living up to its name, and at the time of the photo was about halfway through the sloppening.
I've added a fancy chicken jelly stock pot to mine, and 250ml of water.
View attachment 570872
I can hear sirens and I'm concerned someone has reported me for crimes against onions.

Quick, play the onion chopping song before THEY arrest you! Chop chop!

 

[MancBee]

The marshy green slop is living up to its name, and at the time of the photo was about halfway through the sloppening.
I've added a fancy chicken jelly stock pot to mine, and 250ml of water.
View attachment 570872
I can hear sirens and I'm concerned someone has reported me for crimes against onions.

ETA I mean Jacks green slime. It looks so unappetising. It looks like what a dog vomits after eating grass.

 

[Hollaaa]

Taste test next. Stand by.