Jack Monroe #188 Jack sits on a train of lies

[PoorPatrol]

What’s done is done, once and done!

If you don’t like me because I’m a white person with tattoos, that’s your lookout. I’m actually helping people here, and I’m BUSY! I’ll be limiting replies to this because I worked 20 hours doing this for free. Time to play kickyball and have a piss and a sandwich. No. I will not be eating these, I’ll be writing POOR PATROL all over them and donating them to Terry the Sparrow’s family, but it’s not my news to share! Please leave me alone....

Did they rise? No. They weren’t supposed to

Are they slimy inside, despite being cooked for 25 mins (recipe says 18-22 for bigger) and starting to burn? Yes. It’s Greek!

Thats all. I’ve now got burnout, and an ouchy mouth. This is a hellsite, I hope you’re all happy with yourselves.
Rattle! Rattle!

 

[misshydrangea]

I know this is horribly OT and I’m a new Frau on this thread. But. Can I please just say this... I’m in the worst place of my horribly (late thirties) adult life. And stumbling across the cabal has actually meant quite a lot to me, because a group of strangers have actually made me smile and laugh out loud. So without sounding like a sad fishing thunder cunt, I just wanted to express my thanks to all of you. Ahem. I’ll stop now.

No really.I’ll stop.

In other ‘news’ Jack is a menace to society and a terrible wanker xxx

 

[Emmapism]

Jack isn't doing anything so posting my lounge/kitchen with my new feature wall. Well happy

Need to get some pictures up (maybe Celery, Edinburgh?) but feeling very accomplished on this rainy Saturday!

 

[colouredlines]

Found on Mumsnet. Wait for the twist...

 

[lilamay]

Frauen, I'm inspired by the afterbirth oats.

Question: which Jack recipe do you think is the worst? And why? (Although I think that no explanations will really be needed.)

 

[Veronicaaa]

Comment on the Del Monte upside down chicken insta post -

Et voila, looks delish!

 

[misshydrangea]

Welcome, I thought your avatar was a troll doll in an unsavoury pose, but it’s a dinosaur the colour of human skin with bright green hair not on its head, so thats that cleared up. Please do share your lightbulb moment when you discovered that Jack was a slop merchant and reverse Robin Hood, if you wish to!

it’s a Dino-troll. I felt it was fitting.
I joined Tattle due to the scamming of a particular influencer. On a quiet day, I found myself looking at other threads that were seemingly popular. I’d heard of Hinch, but Jack was a total mystery. I read the Wiki and laughed my smol head off. I then cross referenced the aspersions with the FACTS on Twitter and realised that you were, indeed, a group of sentient frauen and that Jack was, indeed, a gigantic cocknocker.
Since then I’ve grunked my way earnestly through the archives and although I’m still clearly a newbie, I’ve definitely got the measure of them.
Officially addicted to the hilarity of the thread and already feel like I ‘know’ some of you. Sound a bit desperate now, but definitely think I’ve stumbled across my kin.
Well that was self indulgent. Thanks for listening. Thank(space)you

 

[PoorPatrol]

Now, this may look like vomit for those peripatetic types unfamiliar with restaurant parlance, but I couldn’t help but scamper off to bed and lick it from my fingers, my ovaries groaning at the taste of an unexpected glob of milk curdled with the humble canned tomatoes

 

[PoorPatrol]

See, this is why an upswing in the amount of work I need to do must = less Tattle. I’ve now become a scuffin truther, and wasted most of the day. Jack’s recipe has no picture. There’s not a single picture of her scuffins on the entire Internet.

There are tonnes of other scuffin recipes available, with pictures. Not one single one of them requires nearly 600g of liquid. Each one requires a variation of oily help, but most of them are an approximation of Jack’s recipe minus the 400g tin of tomatoes. I don’t know how she thought she could pilfer someone else’s recipe and just sling in a tin of tomatoes on top, clearly without even testing it!

That’s why there are no pictures. She’s never made them. That is the only possible truth.

•Bangs gavel•

Case dismissed!

 

[proshootz]

Comment on the Del Monte upside down chicken insta post -
View attachment 566156

Et voila, looks delish!


View attachment 566161

Well fuck ...

Good afternoon ninnies. I have been lurking for the best part of a year, hooting and fizzing the whole time . Who knew that it would take a pineapple travesty to bring me out of hiding?

My origin story? I used to follow Jack on Facebook. It all started getting very murky around kitten time and I found my way to tattle. I have been boring my (very much not so) SB about this thread on a daily basis ever since

You are all fabulous, much more so than Mackie could ever hope to be.

 

[EllaEm87]

Spoiler: OT New Baby

she’s called Maisie

still don’t know how to spoiler an image, damnit.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Keep the laughs coming you guys.. just found out my step dad had a stroke and is in hospital. We are very close, he was married to my mum for 30 years and is the only father figure I've ever known. I'll be popping in and out to exercise my haha finger and hope Yackie does a smol chaos to distract me.

 

[Billybellend]

Spoiler: OT child illness

apologies for the silence, child with suspected sepsis here -in hospital. It’s going to be a long night-

 

[traumatised sideboard]

This is (was, is no longer, it's pining for the fjords etc.) the thread title with the most votes suggested by @schmetterling, an homage to a minor in-thread chaos involving someone who appears to believe that Jack's books are 'good for camping'. Well, from a glance at the front cover they looked like they might be anyway. Thankyou x for stopping by, dear heart. (If a Jack-centric title is more appropriate the second most votes went to 'Jack sits on a train of lies' from @Hollaaa and nominated by @Silver Linings). For the second consecutive thread, Yakults all round lads.

In the last thread:
-a man sat down on a seat next to Jack on a train and it was an outrage
-a singular squiggle finally worked out the secret message in Jack's embroidery several days later
-Del Monte posted about the upside down pineapple monstrosity
-a tip jar feature was announced on Twitter. Despite being AWAY, Jack slithered in like a buttered snake and activated it immediately

Spoiler: housekeeping

Please use the words ‘thread title’ (two separate words) when making a bid for one as it makes it easier to search. Also, try to hold off to the latter part of the thread if possible (after post #500). And remember - no swears are allowed.

There is a thread in the off topic forum called Food and Drink where off topic chat is encouraged if / when Jack is quiet.

New to Jack? Have a look at the wiki.

 

[Dogmuck]

Someone’s caught up - good Grunking Jackie

 

[PoorPatrol]

For the ninnies unaware of my body of work, I am making Jack’s tomato and olive scuffins, as seen upthread.

Please note that this ‘recipe’ calls for 225g of flour, 400g of tinned tomatoes, and 150ml of milk plus x3 tbsps of oil. For SIX SCUFFINS (scone muffins, lolz) !

Slop was expected. Slop was received.

I could have cried tipping 150ml of milk onto a tomatoey floury pile of slop, it was already looking like afterbirth.
Pre-milk

post-milk:

 

[Raker]

So, meanwhile in Ireland the other day, a well known political columnist from the Irish Times was fired, with immediate effect, for being revealed to be behind a number of sock puppet accounts — and now Twitter have suspended the accounts too. Nine of them!!

Twitter suspends nine accounts linked to profile used by Eoghan Harris

Sunday Independent drops writer and former senator for anonymous account activity

www.irishtimes.com

As a writer I really like says:

 

[lilamay]

She used Pythagoras on the crust didn't she?

 

[MancBee]

I have been thinking of Jack style recipes we could try. I have come up with the following...

Piss off parmigiana
Leave me be linguine
I've a headache hamburger
"She left" sausage
Self loathing stew
Resembles dung dahl
Peeky Mink pineapple
Not quite vegan nuggets
Shan't salad

In the absence of a chaos, and the ongoing Twitter silence, can anyone else think of any Jack adjacent recipes?

ETA, yes I am bored.

 

[Billybellend]

Comment on the Del Monte upside down chicken insta post -
View attachment 566156

Et voila, looks delish!


View attachment 566161

What the mother of fuck is that?!

Having a bit of a grunk while Mrs. B and I tag-team it at the hospital. Mrs. B has been reading your comments as well, and asked me to thank you all for your good thoughts. Our son is out of danger and stable now. We also laughed about me and @MaineCoonMama being a couple. ‘Bit of a long distance relationship, Bill...she’s a grand lass though’ was her verdict Really hope your FIL improves soon xxx