Jack Monroe #183 Someone's fewmmin'

[Blurp]

This has got me wondering why Jack uses so many Americanisms (CPS in reference to Child Protective Services, her five hundred lawyers on speed dial etc) and whether she thinks she's big in the US for some reason or assumes everyone online is American

That makes me laugh as Nadiya is big is the USA. She posted on Insta that her baking book was now published with US measures and the feed was full of literally hundreds of posts saying how excited they were, that they love her shows on Netflix, their children love her, that they'd actually bought scales to use metric measures, and so on. She doesn't change anything about herself for that audience though, still the Asian English Muslim mum of three with a Yorkshire husband and living near her family in Milton Keynes. I don’t even know what brand her fridge is.

Tell us, Jack, how many of your books have been translated for a US audience? I reckon it wouldn't be worthwhile for the publisher given 3K worldwide sales .

 

[HotesTilaire]

Don't forget, there's a special meeting for Rich Women in Media in the Church Hall on Tuesday nights and every other Thursday morning. It would have been in the Mary Chapel, but that got renamed The Monroe Monument back in February, complete with the new altar installation (consisting of a Cotswolds sideboard and golden pineapple).

That’s it, I call People’s Front of Judaea/Judaen People’s Front. For ~reasons~ I’m starting the Church of the Enlightened Squiggle, where we shall worship through ACTION not just tweets.
We SHALL eat tinned foods in the same format they exit their tin - soup will be heated without superfluous accoutrements, beans SHAN’T be rinsed of their sauce and custard will be used as custard.
Some may call me evangelical, but any who suggests someone as a “prophet” will be cast out of the CES and forced to eat food that is at the same time sloppy and dry for eternity. Here endeth the sermon.
ETA we worship in fear of Slop, Chaos and overseen by the Dark Onionlord and his Onion Police. Say your prayers and eat your beans with their original sauce OR ELSE

 

[threeSMEGfridges]

She's also claimed that her skin is too big on them because she was premature. And that they look filthy because of her Cypriot blood.

I was way more prem than Jack. Saggy hands are not a thing when you’re 33 because of being born early.
TWAT.

 

[DrtCrl]

Maybe all this mysterious treatment is to reconstruct their bumhole.

I am quoting this post purely because every single time I get a notification of a reaction I my post I can read it again and snort loudly as I laugh out loud at the pure brilliance of it

 

[Nottonightbabe]

This person HATES her.

That is ugly. I dislike Jack and her behaviour, and question a lot of the things she says, but that is not fucking right.

 

[Tabitha D]

She really has such a massively over inflated ego - all these little hints about unspecified "treatment", secret locations, false names, stalkers. Jack really thinks she's in the top echelons of celebrity. I genuinely believe all this "little old me" stuff is the biggest bag o shite about her whole persona.

Her ego is absolutely monstrous. It’s completely baffling, given her distinct lack of talent or achievement. That post about the hotel filling the mini-bar with non-alcoholic drinks, “and I didn’t even tell them who I was! They probably even do this for the little people, the nobodies!” - words fail me.
I stay in hotels quite a lot for work, and TBH I get the impression that a lot of mini-bars are routinely no-alcohol these days, certainly over the last few years (obviously you can order alcohol if you want it, but more often than not the mini-bar has water, fruit juice, fizzy drinks and snacks like nuts and chocolate). It is REALLY not the big deal that Jack seems to think it is.

 

[SlopAmbsase]

1411) Twatbot. Tells you you're a twat.

View attachment 542165

If you subscribe to my Patreon at the £10 tier I'll tell you to get to absolute fuck as well which for Jack would be like a prescription pre-payment certificate.

I like the spherical twatbots the best because I love to imagine putting them in a fancy Philippe Starck pepper mill and grinding them into a tangy little tooth filling salad 🤍

 

[PoorPatrol]

I just hope that Buddy Oliver is going to be joining in, you know, to teach Jack how to chop onions.

I wonder what she’ll say about RB. At one point he was hinted at as being a scumbag, next he was Russ, mate! Who fucking knows

 

[Veronicaaa]

it's just so weird that the book's being promoted as part of world book night. are people really going to be getting themselves all settled and cosy to curl up with the big book of boak recipes?

I mean, for World Book Night they seem to have contacted publishers to ask them if they had any backlog of books which were due to be pulped. And Jack's publishers were like "oh, we have just the thing! You're welcome "

 

[kachoochoo]

see, I also think that a lot of the pro-jack squiggles are missing the point. the initiative isn't solely for food bank recipes. it's aimed at encouraging children to learn to cook quick, economical recipes.

but the squigs have seen "food bank" and "marcus rashford" and thought, oh he did that thing with jack, this must be all about food bank recipes, so she should be involved

there you go, jack. reword this a little and it'll provide a handy excuse. you're welcome.

 

[DorothyZbornak]

Time for that all important dopamine refuel, whilst ignoring the issue of the day

ETA @Marmalade Atkins beat me to the punch! My takes are about as hot as Jack’s

 

[Orphan_Black]

What medical reason can there possibly be to come up to Manchester that isn't available closer to Southend? Unless it has all been an elaborate charade, and she is just having a few days in London stalking Louisa. BB hasn't been mentioned for ages. Neither has her son. Nor Cooper. Nobody really..........certainly not Marcus and Tom.

In the words of the lovely Toyah...

It's a myth-tery, it's a myth-tery
I'm still searching for a clue

You could pop to the shop tomorrow and bam! You bump into smol pixie herself. Aren't you fizzing & buzzing?!

 

[LavaFlake]

There have been some truly egregious examples of her copying things from Tattle. What was that Russian word someone here used last year, that Jack chirped up with days later? That has to be top of the list.

Not the same one but when she started saying "sentient hams" after we triangulated the sentient mirror is another example.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Cue: I can't have nice things post.

 

[Jelly Bean]

Surely the best way to get support in a new area is to contact the appropriate support group

Given Jack has disclosed the friend is female, new to the area and potentially vulnerable if they are at the beginning of their journey

Isn’t this stupidly unsafe ?

Yes. It seems utterly inappropriate (if true).
And we all know how careful she is with personal and vulnerable information Plus outing people with a drink problem.
It actually beggars belief she thinks this is a good idea rather than her 'friend' using Google and the networks built up from the therapy groups she attends.

 

[DinosaurSenior]

The Scottish border opens very soon. Oh help!

 

[Mr Krabs]

Yep if she’s staying anywhere, she’ll be staying at another aparthotel where she can ‘cook’ again.

I wouldn't put it past our Jack to follow those 'cooking in hotel room' hacks from YouTube videos. Noodles/pasta in the coffee maker, grilled cheese in the trouser press kind of bollocks that makes you feel sorry for the hotel staff. A slow cooker only needs a plug and you can wake up to those delicious cooking smells.

It's always a half-size can of coke, too, and costs about 5€. Don't you miss hotels?

Honestly though, there's something so good about those little tins of coke. Especially if they have Greek/Turkish/Hebrew writing on the side and are mixed with a tiny bottle of local booze (which you think is vodka but can't be sure). I do miss hotels! If I won the lottery, I wouldn't buy a big country house, I'd bugger off round the world and live in various posh hotels for the rest of my life.

 

[Ellabella]

If those drinks are complimentary, it will be because she's now revealed herself to be The Great Jack Monroe to the staff. I have never seen free mini bars in hotels like that. Mr EB and I treated ourselves to a fancy hotel last year for our wedding anniversary, it was £385 a night (I know!), and all we got was two bottles of water and a jug of milk.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

A north of Southend friend of Bill here

If it's AA, she'll be no stranger to The Serenity Prayer, you say it after each meeting and (depending on the individual), you carry it about on a special coin you are given.

A cornerstone of the prayer is "to accept the things I cannot change" - criticism/constructive feedback from strangers on the internet would fall comfortably into that category. M'lud.

Thank you @Kittypops, for someone who bangs on about AA a fair bit, I’m very quick to forget this. I really needed to see it today

 

[LavaFlake]

I would be interested to read Good Food for Bad Days. Surely one of the most important things it should have been focusing on, is how to take care of yourself nutritionally, in the easiest/simplest ways possible? Well we know how woeful her nutritional knowledge is. I bet there's some crackers in there .

Quite a lot of it previews on Amazon if you're interested Dear Heart.

I particularly like the page about foods that boost your brain function/limit depression which is backed up with zero scientific evidence.