Jack Monroe #154 The book has furloughed itself

[Lanie]

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Petal you're not a fellow Irish. You are my your own admission half NORTHERN Irish. A few trips to see granny does not make you from that country and the fact you don't seem to know the north from the south suggests you know little about it.

Blaa is a bun bread made in Wexford.

Sorry when I am not at home I always refer to myself as northern Irish that is because that was the country I was born in. The Irish are people from the south.
You don't call north Korean people Korean because they are not. Same goes for South Koreans.

 

[bladiesla]

Had we seen the pond water stock reaction already?

 

[I’MBUSY!]

oh hang on! the other day I seem to think I noticed for the first time a tattoo of the phrase "do no harm" which she must think means the hippocratic oath!

gonna try and find it...

Also, "do no harm"? That's already a fail.

 

[Mr Krabs]

I think with triflegate, she was being ironically arrogant and critical of others. She was trying to evoke bantering. But because she has all the social skills of a moth, it just seemed like plain old humourless criticism and boasting.

She was obviously trying to do Gordon Ramsey/Rate My Plate type bantz. Except she's not nearly as witty and clever as she thinks. Gordon Ramsey can actually cook and is naturally funny.

I mean, when THIS is how your trifle comes out, you might want to rethink your critique of others. It looks like something from a 70s housekeeping magazine.



And the way she's holding the trifle just makes me think of this:

 

[Mr Krabs]

Au contraire.

It is good to have an office twat, some lazy know it all fantasist, who makes up transparent shit about other colleagues and brown noses all the managers, and who pretends expertise, say on excel, then it turns out they can't even apply a simple fucking filter. Especially if someone has said the twat could train you on excel, and you have to tell, that you think you might just about manage.

I really wish my ex-colleague had a social media presence, because he set a gold standard for absolute bullshit and would be an amazing Tattle thread. Had over a million quid invested in properties, but was doing a £10 an hour job for a bit of pocket money. Was shagging both his ex-wives and they were friends and OK with it. Was a top chef in a hotel on Park Lane. And the best one.... used to own a ZOO. A fucking ZOO. I had to leave the room when he started telling us that one as my shoulders were shaking from trying to hold in a laugh.

And yeah, absolute expert in everything of course. Had done a PhD in computer science but couldn't open e-mail attachments.

 

[moosesauna]

I lived in Ireland for six years, which is six more than Jack. You can add me to the "wtf is a blaa?" pile.

I'm starting to get the impression it's one of those regional delicacies that is deeply beloved by everyone from the region, but not tasty/exciting enough for other people to care. A bit like a precious family tradition viewed from the outside.

(A few years ago I was living in Granada 🔺️ and a friend offered to make me a traditional breakfast to celebrate the Día de Andalucía. It was a bread roll dunked in a mixture of olive oil and sugar. He then put the Andalucían anthem on Spotify and literally began to cry. I was...less emotional. I feel that blaa may be in this general category.)

My tired brain is currently singing 'blaa blaa Jack sheep, have you any book?' (thread title??) so I think I need to sleep some more...

 

[kachoochoo]

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the snake shat on the table over 10 years ago jack. get new references

although I will use this opportunity to once again pitch this for thread title. #155 what a sad little life, jack

 

[ChickenPorridge]

"Fellow Irish" LOL. Please Jack, we don't claim you. Ulster has suffered enough!

 

[Scarletfever]

Just saw the tweet calling us melts.

Honestly cracks me up that people (inc. Jack) bother with the insults. They know nothing about the people posting here - it's an anonymous forum. So I doubt the people posting here give a flying fuck if anyone (inc. Jack) calls us melts, messy bitches, vile trolls, vicious bullies, or whatever. We are entitled to our opinion and to talk about it.

I don't seek approval from grifting baked bean bloggers or those who suck up to them

 

[I’MBUSY!]

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Let’s be ‘aving you!

Yeah but on the day of the battle, she’d still call in sick.

 

[Veronica.xoxo]

De-lurking myself to say I am still confused as to why on earth anyone would put all those treatments Jack claimed to have used on a rash in such a short space of time... that's not how rashes work babe, and tbh everyone knows that. Have we had any updates on the rash?

Hadn't known much of Jack other than seeing a few articles about the poverty and tinned food recipes, kinda just thought "eh. Not for me but whatever, if it works for someone else then fab." But honestly I came to tattle for the Grace Beverly thread and stayed for you fraus. You're hilarious and have done a fab job of exposing the constant, unnecessary lies. The poverty cosplay and free school meals lark is what really made me snap, along with her being Schrodinger's Sex Worker... so now I'll just be lurking here watching this ridiculous book deadline palaver unfold.

Also whoever said she's David Brent and we're all Jim is just so spot on.

 

[DrtCrl]

On a massive grunk so apols if this has been posted but THAT MAN is all up in her niche again with this, surely?!

 

[Harrybosch]

News just in: Woman with skin rash fails to meet deadline.

 

[Satisfying Click]

'Fellow Irish'

Last time I cringed that hard was when she wrote 'Your comrade' to Corbyn

 

[Harrybosch]

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I’m still waiting for her to get back from the shop and start up november’s lockdown larder.

I hate the term ally. I don't know why, but I hate it. Maybe because I'm German?

 

[Orphan_Black]

Royal family deathbed visit?

Phillip just can't die until he knows her granola recipe

 

[BashmentLady]

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"""Fellow Irish""" my actual fucking hole.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

@Readingismyhobby I absolutely do not blame you. The first time I scanned through the original audio I thought 'this isn't that bad' but the more times I went through it millisecond by millisecond to chop bits out, the worse it got. Interestingly she's most off-key when she's going for the lower notes which is strange considering she says her voice dropped an octave while she was on testosterone. The nasal and wobbly qualities really come back into her voice when she's not proper belting it out as well. Truly an atrocious piece of audio that I never want to hear again. If you're reading this, Jack, my favourite part was the perfect snare sound I cut out of your pre-wailing waffle.

For the Easter egg, I ran her voice through a plug-in called Marauder (it's spelt wrong inside my DAW, I don't know why but it's not like Jack ever let a spelling mistake stop her before ). Now she can maraud forever, it's what she would have wanted.

ETA: @HotesTilaire we appreciate your sacrifice. I believe it would be possible to smooth out the sound but I was already pushing the limits of my capabilities, I'm sadly not able to perform sonic miracles. Perhaps if you were to ....? <rattles tip jar>

 

[Emmapism]

Jack Tweeted "We should all put our names in a hat, cook for our nominated person and leave it on the door step. Like a big Twitter come dine with me but without the snark, knicker rummage, and snake pissing on the table mid-meal"

Me and the neighbours on my landing have been making meals for each other and leaving them on the doorstep throughout lockdown. There are 4 flats on our side of the building, so we each make a meal when we feel up to it and can afford it. We hardly knew each other before the lockdowns, but we have got to know each other so much more chatting across the landing. At least something good has come out of this terrible situation.

Normally we make a meal once a fortnight each. It is always pre arranged, so the recipients don't cook that day. It is what is called neighbourly and thoughtful, something Jack would know nothing about.

Imagine being the poor sod whose name Jack pulled out of the hat

 

[PoorPatrol]

Oh ffs. “First do no harm” is NOT the Hippocratic Oath. Why would you get something you understand so little about tattooed onto yourself? Shut up Jack, ya prune!