Jack Monroe #120 Jack and trace

[Satisfying Click]

Squiggle ain't taking this laying down

 

[Blurp]

NOBODY WANTS A ONE-TRAY CHRISTMAS MENU FOR ONE OR TWO PEOPLE JACK. I've spent Christmases alone and what you actually want is non-stop snacks, not some bullshit roast dinner for one which will only make you feel more alooooone.

I'm the only human in my house and I'm all ready for Christmas - got the big box of biscuits, the tin of Quality Street, the Ferrero Rocher, the chocolate Yule Log, mince pies, chocolate money, and new brushed cotton pyjamas. There's brandy butter, roasties, sprouts, parsnips and peas in the freezer, Bisto in the cupboard if I want to have a proper meal. I've also a nut loaf in the freezer and a Christmas pudding in the cupboard from last year that I couldn't be arsed to eat then. Maybe some bubbly, lebenkuchen and stollen bites from Lidl when I get the dog and cat food, though I've got chicken breasts in the freezer for them and the cats.

ETA How could I forget the Terry's chocolate orange?!

 

[Dogmuck]

Is Jack not doing owt?

SHES DOING COVID FFS ALAN! Less of the snark comments she’s doing it for us all!
Do keep up dear!

 

[crystaleyesd]

Now that I can see screenshots I have 120 pages of receipts to catch up on!



Just off to tell my supervisors that they can expect my thesis some time in 2024.

I submitted my PhD at the height of Jack chaosi. You can do it! (You just need to forego sleep)

 

[Mel Donte]

Interesting to think that the donations made by kind fraus in honour of The Sloppies have done more good than Jack's done in her entire career.

 

[MancBee]

@Switchstreetz I have been thinking what to say about the Sloppies, but words just can not do them justice. The professionalism, the creativity, the humour, wonderful, magnificent, glorious, marvellous, a superlative overload. They are absolutely amazing, just perfect. They have cheered me up no end, I keep returning and chuckling along.

Jack could only dream of being one tenth the professional as you. My hat is well and truly taken off.

 

[colouredlines]

I'll be alone for Christmas, not for the first time. I don't mind - no children in the family, so it's not such a special day anyway.

Our restrictions were just increased so we can't leave our comarca (equivalent of county probably) until the 11th of January. I haven't seen many of my closest friends since October because of the last set of restrictions, and haven't seen my mother at all this year. It's frustrating, but Catalan numbers have just shot up this week, and this is what we have to do.

And yet...the one thing that would make Christmas utterly unbearable is a Jack Monroe all-in-one tray. The thought of sitting alone in a Santa hat, staring down at lard-basted arsehole sausages? Nothankyou.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Can’t wait for her handwritten notes setting out all the ways she can mix with people, complete with 15-year old cloud underlining and highlighter pens.


Fuck off. I don’t want to go to that overpriced fucking shithole.

Amazing isn't it, how Jack can come up to Edinburgh and it's no fucking problem but as soon as down south is affected it's the fault of 'Northerners'.

 

[Harrybosch]

I love, love, love all of the Sloppies, but this gave me eye wets of joy

Spoiler: Spoiler

 

[Minky McMoneypenny]

I work in a senior school, staff and pupils do wear masks, they sit in designated places in class (and only remove their masks then), we make them adhere to social distancing whenever we can.

I've just finished the hardest term I've ever worked in schools, it's broken me.

In January we have to test every child and every staff member in school. We got told this as we broke up for Christmas. With very little guidance on how this will work, and the implication that staff will just do it) which just isn't feasible.

I was super-impressed with the letter that came home from eldest child's high school today. Headteacher wrote " Due to late notice regarding this proposal we are not yet in a position to confirm whether and/or how this testing will take place in January and I will not ask staff to work on this over the Christmas holiday"

 

[Froggies]

Calling it ‘Rona makes my teeth itch.

 

[HarderFaster]

I don’t think we can be surprised about Matt Tebbutt and his politics being weighted in a particular direction, if we really think about it.

Yes he gives off big Tory vibes with his popped collar and abrasive self-assurance. Would still hate fuck, tbh. And he was the best possible host for Jack to make her grand TV presenting debut with because there was no pandering to her ineptitude. It’s a bit like the Edwina Currie sitch: dislike the person; dislike their politics; love their calling out of Monroe.

You’ve got to hand it to Jack, her continued beatified status amongst liberals is quite the feat given her behaviour over the years.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Imagine being stuck in a lift with Jack.

 

[Silver Linings]

 

[BashmentLady]

Dear UK Frauen, I feel [assume] there's a lot of you here, ahm so sorry about these new necessary regulations. I know ye will have a better Christmas, in whatever form ye prefer, than the poor bastards who try to cook Jack's dinner.

I think I joined around thread 80+, but I am so grateful for the craic, and @Switchstreetz, I NEVER would have thought The Sloppies would be amazing. Genuinely just thought it'd be a few posts of us getting pished and ripping the pish. Amazing work pal. Ultra Frau/Herr.

 

[Harrybosch]

So glad he’s on the mend. It must have been a scary time for you all.

I had it last month. Still feeling tired and lacking in oomph/stamina. One of the symptoms I had was conjunctivitis, a really weird non itchy type. One positive to come out of all the shit, I’m donating plasma next week as NHS need CV19 antibodies. Quite pleased that I can do my bit to help esp as the NHS has done so much for my family this year.

I tried to donate plasma, but my veins weren't good enough. I know it's pathetic, but I nearly burst into tears. I've felt so useless for the past 9 months and I thought finally I could do something good. Ah well, back to being snarky online.

Hi Mrs Tebbutt.

Please forgive me, I may have stated in earlier threads that I'd rather shag Ian Hislop than your Matt, but I take it all back.

I'd shag neither as I'm too full of lebkuchen to move (yes, it's only 9.30 am, stop judging).

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Guten tag herren & hausfrauen !!!!

The sloppies are here at last. There are two versions - the fancy schmancy spark page is best on PC/laptop (with hella sick images af) and should be viewable now, it's only accessible via this link below (think of it as the groucho, but for tattlers )

~ SLOPPIES 2020 ~ buzzing that it has the number 3 and 'jam' in the link

For those who don't want to leave this site/are on a smaller screen, I've done a text only version below! Enjoy!

Spoiler: THE SLOPPIES 2020

Hi all!

Tattle user Switchstreetz here, ready to conquer my fears! Obviously this is all alleged/our opinion or whatever the magic words are that mean JM doesn't materialise in front of me at 4am to kick my shins!

*Insert several minutes/paragraphs of me talking about myself instead of the actual subject of the event, before remembering to go back to the actual topic at hand. This week I ran OUT of JAM.*

At close of submissions we had reached 447 responses! I know some may have had a cheeky double dip, but that’s still so much more than I was expecting - testament to how many are lurking on these threads!

No question was mandatory, but it seems nearly everyone decided to answer every question - numbers range from 441 responses to The Eye of Sauron award to 447 responses for the Novak Nail award. It's been so interesting to see the results develop!

Many thanks to @Sideboard Bob for designing the Sloppies trophy! It looks fab!

Right, this is going to be a loooong post so let’s get on with it!!

Kicking things off with The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance” this evening! The vote percentage is in brackets. Here's our runners up!

3rd place - Hellman’s IGTV (18.4%)

2nd place - This Morning (19.7%)

and the winner, by an absolute landslide (acapella cover) with 46.7% of the vote.…

its........DAILY KITCHEN LIVE! I don't think it could have been any other way to be honest - DKL is what kickstarted these threads, it seems only fair to give thanks!

The twitter bully award for “pile-on of the year”
3rd place - LNER (5.9%)

2nd place - David Walliams (37.2%)

The winner is…THAT MAN! Yes, Jamie Oliver wins with 52.7% of the vote! Personally, I felt I deserved to win this one, so I encourage you all to tweet the BBC about this injustice, and one day I too can grate corned beef on the telly. /s

The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor”
3rd place - The mighty smeg fridge (7.6%)

2nd place - The ever multiplying Cotswold furniture (18.9%)

And the winner is… The last minute trip to Edinburgh, another easy win for the top choice! (with 51% of the vote!)

The Full Moon award for “best chaos”
This one and the Novak Nail award were a little different, being multiple choice, with up to 3 selections allowed per person. Rather than percentage of the vote I’ll show how many people chose each answer in brackets for these two awards.

5th place - The chicken* lingreenie on this morning, *chicken not included (75)

4th place - The ouchy mouth dramas - they were legion, and they were all ridiculous. Even my local avon lady has never waxed lyrical about the magical healing properties of red lipstick. (85)

3rd place - Daily kitchen live - we had passive aggressive lemons, dusty aunt Helen, and the infamous “terrible.” DKL was a delight from beginning to end, thank you very matt much matt! (98)

2nd place - Edinburgh trip - yes this option is showing up in multiple categories, but it is NOT a chain, ok? Anyway, Jack’s very cultural journey where she sat indoors and photographed celery came second (117)

which means first place goes to…Thread 31! Jack’s foray into the fraus was chosen (235) times, making it the clear winner! So where were you when thread 31 happened?

The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively detrimental advice”
3rd place - Sponsorbot - why seek out an empathetic human with similar life experience for your recovery, when you can buy a drawing of a robot? (15.8%)

2nd place - All food is the same. No oregano left for your pizza? Try the eucalyptus tree in your shitty garden. What, you don't have one?! (24.5%)

And the winner is....The absolutely iconic answer to why mince has different fat percentages…”it just does.” (27.3%)

The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year”
3rd place - (Honorary) Dr Dr Who? It’s the time travelling photos of herself edited to make her look young enough to be her own child. (11.3%)

2nd place - Something’s simmering…the infamous sideboard modelling shots came second with a searing performance (18.9%)

1st place... Put on your sunglasses, its the blinding black eye selfie! Taking home (38.1%) of the vote, it clearly made an impression on you all. See how she glitters!



The Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on the to do list”

It’s kept Kachoochoo BUSY for months, the magnum opus that is Jack's ever-growing to do list. We let you have your say on which items should come top of Jack’s agenda.

3rd place - The £15 a week school meals (23.9%)

2nd place - The reason for those cursed sideboard modelling photos - something has been simmering since June, could it be the chicken thigh stock? (29.1%)

And the winner is.…Thrifty Shades of Beige - the people need the high quality postcards they have paid for! (37.5%)

To date we have yet to see a single person talk about receiving their postcards with pictures, i believe the mince pie toasties were sent to all patrons above a certain amount and weren't a TSoBeige reard. Pretty poor form when they’re paying £10 a month!!!

The Sure, Jan Award for “best imaginary friend or enemy”

3rd place - Matt Tebbutt as JM imagined him, her sidekick in a cheeky little double act. This version of Matt is as fictional as a David Walliams character. (16.7%)

2nd place - The shadowy cabal of bullying hausfrau ninnies she sees in every corner. (22.3%)

Now who could the winner be, I wonder…Birds? In Traaaaazers? It had to be the old chief didn’t it! Some men just want to watch the world burn, and the birds at the fire station valiantly trying to put it out must only wear skirts. (30.9%)



A bird in traazers, for your viewing pleasure.

The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop”

By choosing the tattle version you have actually spared yourself the photo grid of JM creations I inflicted upon anyone who watched the fancy version.

5th place - Cheesy fish finger lasagne (6.7%)

4th place - Mussels and pears (11.4%)

3rd place - SBs pasta, boiled in THRICE RECYCLED betroot water & served with a blended sauce of cheese slices and raw flour (13.9%)

2nd place -Mackerel weetabix floating in raw egg, with noodles (14.1%)

And the winner is
“It’ll thicken up” it’s the one and only, the spunky bechamel sauce wins big at the races with 25.8% of the vote - we’ll have to ask Dinosaur what the odds were on that!

I was clawing at the floor in horror looking at these results.

“How do we live in a universe where the afterbirth oats, Mancbee’s stuffing mix soup -that’s probably still repeating on him a month later-, and the peach and chickpea curry haven’t even made the top 5?!”

I howled, gnashing my teeth. Then I looked at the actual top 5 and felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of tastebuds cried out at once in terror, and then were suddenly silenced. My rage abated, as I wept in relief that I would never have to languorously devour this cuisine myself. Later, I bought another Cotswold sideboard to cover the scratches in the floorboards.

The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie”

Possibly the most eagerly anticipated result of this event! Some of her lies are infuriating, some are upsetting, some are just deeply hilarious. One or two may even have a grain of truth to them! All were covered on tattle with receipts, and here’s a round-up of your top 5 from 2020.

5th place - That time she claimed to have been offered a 7 figure sum for the film rights to her life (50)

4th place - Indirectly lying about being a firefighter, and co-opting grenfell to talk about herself (63)

3rd place - The shimmery black eye (153)

2nd place - We’ve had muddy puddles, foolish charity shops and accidental extra sofas delivered. Runner up this year goes to “the lies about how she obtained all her expensive items.” (177)

And the winner is… The £20 shop - The people have spoken, and they chose this frankly irresponsible Tory propaganda as 2020’s most iconic lie. (201)

The Silver Poca Plate for “honorary frau of the year”

Our last award of the evening! For our final award, we’re taking the focus off Jack and putting it on something positive.

There are many valid reasons to not be on tattle, it might be that you’re taking the good fight to manipulative influencers directly on twitter and challenging their narrative. Alternatively, maybe you’re a journalist or celebrity yourself and having an account would affect your career. Perhaps it's just that you are a sheep.

This award honours all those who do not post here, but who we respect and admire enough to consider one of the coven nevertheless.

Saturn, we hope you’re well out there in the interplanetary trenches, keep up the good work! You are of course an eternal frau, if you ever get bored of being out there amongst the stars, you’ll always be welcome here.

3rd place - Nibbles and Loppy (Only 16.1% I demand a recount!)

2nd place - Matt Tebbutt, but the real version (17.5%)

And the winner is…The followers brave enough to speak out against Jack (46.4%)

It takes a lot of courage to publicly disagree with someone who has a much larger following online. This award is dedicated not to the bigots or trolls, but to those who raised contradictions, and spoke up when they felt wrongdoing was being perpetrated by JM. Many were fans at the time, some may even be fans still, but to all those squiggles who stood their ground and endured the flying monkeys for their troubles, we salute you.

Finally, I asked you all a very important question - are you Jack Monroe?

I am sorry to say that 5 of us said yes, meaning we have a chain of Jacks in our midst, in restaurant parlance.

44 of you said no, which was much more reassuring.

A staggering 396 of you told me to get to absolute fuck. I’m so proud of you all!

Honestly it’s been incredible reading through the results and seeing drama like the “For Sale” sign and the unmasking of Peeky Mink not even scrape the top 5 wildest chaoses of the last 6-12 months. I think we can safely diagnose her as melodramatic to the extreme.

Here’s to 2021! I hope it’s a better year than 2020 has been, and that we’re all here again in 12 months with new inside jokes and the same great community feeling. I know many of us have had an incredibly difficult year, and I hope better days are coming for you all.

Annoyingly I can’t just sit and thank you all, as I’d inevitably miss someone out, and I’d hate to make JM’s printer run out of ink, I’m considerate like that So just a few quick ones:

Thanks again Sideboard Bob for the trophies, and thanks to Kachoochoo for helping out with the Missed Deadline award (and for your excellent chronicling of the to do list.)

Last but not least I want to throw in a thank(space) you to traumatised sideboard for making me laugh so often. Slopbot is incredible, I love the new branding! http://www.slopbot.com/

And to each and every one of you on the JM threads: Take care of yourselves, have a wonderful festive season, and keep being your wonderful funny selves. You, the fraus, are what make these threads great. Each and every one of you contributes something to the experience in your own unique way.

Now fuck off x

Do let me know if anything is broken or poorly formatted!

omg this is brilliant thank you, love it & love you guys, the LAYERS to our rich and deep history together

More work went into this than tens of thousands of pounds of paid work for Jack?? It had more production value than DKL on the BBC! What chaos will she do as a result?? Please don’t ask us for beans on pitta again u cheeky cow x

 

[Scarletfever]

I'm suffering today as I overdid it at The Sloppies last night. I haven't enjoyed myself so much in ages and happy that I didn't do anything I regret but actually something that was good!

I rarely drink but was in a celebratory mood as it was my birthday, SBs finished school, and my husband back from working away. I know Christmas plans have been ruined and the covid nightmare seems neverending, but have to make the most of any chance of fun and laughter.

 

[Incywincy]

Thanks for The Sloppies @Switchstreetz, a real work of art.

The image of us on a Grunka has definitely been me for the last 6 months, and what a brilliant use of my time.

Can't remember who said it made them well up, but I got a little teary too. I am so glad we have had the support of each other and these threads through 2020, I am almost certain some of us would be in a much darker place if it weren't for the Frauen und Herren here. (Also thanks Jack for being the Pillock of our Community. Wouldn't be here without you, comrade ).

White hearts to you all.. (I actually don't appear to have a white heart emoji ).

 

[Ladderedtights]

Just stop.