The stars have aligned!
"Think Twice" has just come on my spotify playlist!
"Think Twice" has just come on my spotify playlist!
Jack Monroe #120 Jack and trace
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Isolating for over a week? Eh? Are we on Jack Time now?The temperature has risen thenView attachment 352318
More of that emotive language again too. Poor, sick, selfless Jack just wanted to push this over the line with her last remaining scrap of strength, just to help people.
@Switchstreetz thankyou for the Sloppies, they were the (half Maine Coon) cat’s pyjamas! Loved the reference to Alderaan and all winners were very worthy. And credit where credit is due, Jack Monroe really is the gift that keeps on giving (just not in the way she thinks...) 
On it like a car bonnet
The Sloppies are the work of a genius, Dear @Switchstreetz !! I could not decide between hooting or being completely and utterly in awe of your talent, creativity, wit and dedication. This is the highlight of a tit year and puts the Oscars and Baftas into the shadow forever.
Thanks to all the other Frauen and Herren to be such delightful company! I am constantly impressed by your knowledge, perspectives and kindness.
And now get fucked x
Thanks to all the other Frauen and Herren to be such delightful company! I am constantly impressed by your knowledge, perspectives and kindness.
And now get fucked x
“Why isn’t every single one of you blowing smoke up my arse, when I have done something so selfless by cooking a tit roast dinner that I was paid to do by the Express a week ago, that I have now reproduced on my website filled with adverts to make even more money? I’ve also been so helpful to put an affiliate link for you buy my books under the tiny mention of the charity I’m working with.”The temperature has risen then
Sorry to quote myself but it was followed by Hedonism by Skunk Anansie, which is legit a Jack anthem "just because you feel good doesn't make it right"
I feel like I’m hyperventilating, Matt has some chance of reading this!! “Terrible”Our planetary friend’s (non) acceptance speech...
edit: squiggled
The most disturbing thing to come out of this is that I have finally recognised I have a on Jimmy Nail of 1992.Guten tag herren & hausfrauen !!!!
The sloppies are here at last. There are two versions - the fancy schmancy spark page is best on PC/laptop (with hella sick images af) and should be viewable now, it's only accessible via this link below (think of it as the groucho, but for tattlers
~ SLOPPIES 2020 ~ buzzing that it has the number 3 and 'jam' in the link
For those who don't want to leave this site/are on a smaller screen, I've done a text only version below! Enjoy!
Hi all!
Tattle user Switchstreetz here, ready to conquer my fears! Obviously this is all alleged/our opinionor whatever the magic words are that mean JM doesn't materialise in front of me at 4am to kick my shins!
*Insert several minutes/paragraphs of me talking about myself instead of the actual subject of the event, before remembering to go back to the actual topic at hand. This week I ran OUT of JAM.*
At close of submissions we had reached 447 responses! I know some may have had a cheeky double dip, but that’s still so much more than I was expecting - testament to how many are lurking on these threads!
No question was mandatory, but it seems nearly everyone decided to answer every question - numbers range from 441 responses to The Eye of Sauron award to 447 responses for the Novak Nail award. It's been so interesting to see the results develop!
Many thanks to @Sideboard Bob for designing the Sloppies trophy! It looks fab!
Right, this is going to be a loooong post so let’s get on with it!!
Kicking things off with The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance” this evening! The vote percentage is in brackets. Here's our runners up!
3rd place - Hellman’s IGTV (18.4%)
2nd place - This Morning (19.7%)
and the winner, by an absolute landslide (acapella cover) with 46.7% of the vote.…
its........DAILY KITCHEN LIVE! I don't think it could have been any other way to be honest - DKL is what kickstarted these threads, it seems only fair to give thanks!
The twitter bully award for “pile-on of the year”
3rd place - LNER (5.9%)
2nd place - David Walliams (37.2%)
The winner is…THAT MAN! Yes, Jamie Oliver wins with 52.7% of the vote! Personally, I felt I deserved to win this one, so I encourage you all to tweet the BBC about this injustice, and one day I too can grate corned beef on the telly. /s
The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor”
3rd place - The mighty smeg fridge (7.6%)
2nd place - The ever multiplying Cotswold furniture (18.9%)
And the winner is… The last minute trip to Edinburgh, another easy win for the top choice! (with 51% of the vote!)
The Full Moon award for “best chaos”
This one and the Novak Nail award were a little different, being multiple choice, with up to 3 selections allowed per person. Rather than percentage of the vote I’ll show how many people chose each answer in brackets for these two awards.
5th place - The chicken* lingreenie on this morning, *chicken not included (75)
4th place - The ouchy mouth dramas - they were legion, and they were all ridiculous. Even my local avon lady has never waxed lyrical about the magical healing properties of red lipstick. (85)
3rd place - Daily kitchen live - we had passive aggressive lemons, dusty aunt Helen, and the infamous “terrible.” DKL was a delight from beginning to end, thank you very matt much matt! (98)
2nd place - Edinburgh trip - yes this option is showing up in multiple categories, but it is NOT a chain, ok? Anyway, Jack’s very cultural journey where she sat indoors and photographed celery came second (117)
which means first place goes to…Thread 31! Jack’s foray into the fraus was chosen (235) times, making it the clear winner! So where were you when thread 31 happened?
The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively detrimental advice”
3rd place - Sponsorbot - why seek out an empathetic human with similar life experience for your recovery, when you can buy a drawing of a robot? (15.8%)
2nd place - All food is the same. No oregano left for your pizza? Try the eucalyptus tree in your crappy garden. What, you don't have one?! (24.5%)
And the winner is....The absolutely iconic answer to why mince has different fat percentages…”it just does.” (27.3%)
The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year”
3rd place - (Honorary) Dr Dr Who? It’s the time travelling photos of herself edited to make her look young enough to be her own child. (11.3%)
2nd place - Something’s simmering…the infamous sideboard modelling shots came second with a searing performance (18.9%)
1st place... Put on your sunglasses, its the blinding black eye selfie! Taking home (38.1%) of the vote, it clearly made an impression on you all. See how she glitters!
The Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on the to do list”
It’s kept Kachoochoo BUSY for months, the magnum opus that is Jack's ever-growing to do list. We let you have your say on which items should come top of Jack’s agenda.
3rd place - The £15 a week school meals (23.9%)
2nd place - The reason for those cursed sideboard modelling photos - something has been simmering since June, could it be the chicken thigh stock? (29.1%)
And the winner is.…Thrifty Shades of Beige - the people need the high quality postcards they have paid for! (37.5%)
To date we have yet to see a single person talk about receiving their postcards with pictures, i believe the mince pie toasties were sent to all patrons above a certain amount and weren't a TSoBeige reard. Pretty poor form when they’re paying £10 a month!!!
The Sure, Jan Award for “best imaginary friend or enemy”
3rd place - Matt Tebbutt as JM imagined him, her sidekick in a cheeky little double act. This version of Matt is as fictional as a David Walliams character. (16.7%)
2nd place - The shadowy cabal of bullying hausfrau ninnies she sees in every corner. (22.3%)
Now who could the winner be, I wonder…
A bird in traazers, for your viewing pleasure.
The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop”
By choosing the tattle version you have actually spared yourself the photo grid of JM creations I inflicted upon anyone who watched the fancy version.
5th place - Cheesy fish finger lasagne (6.7%)
4th place - Mussels and pears (11.4%)
3rd place - SBs pasta, boiled in THRICE RECYCLED betroot water & served with a blended sauce of cheese slices and raw flour (13.9%)
2nd place -Mackerel weetabix floating in raw egg, with noodles (14.1%)
And the winner is
“It’ll thicken up” it’s the one and only, the spunky bechamel sauce wins big at the races with 25.8% of the vote - we’ll have to ask Dinosaur what the odds were on that!
I was clawing at the floor in horror looking at these results.
“How do we live in a universe where the afterbirth oats, Mancbee’s stuffing mix soup -that’s probably still repeating on him a month later-, and the peach and chickpea curry haven’t even made the top 5?!”
I howled, gnashing my teeth. Then I looked at the actual top 5 and felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of tastebuds cried out at once in terror, and then were suddenly silenced. My rage abated, as I wept in relief that I would never have to languorously devour this cuisine myself. Later, I bought another Cotswold sideboard to cover the scratches in the floorboards.
The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie”
Possibly the most eagerly anticipated result of this event! Some of her lies are infuriating, some are upsetting, some are just deeply hilarious. One or two may even have a grain of truth to them! All were covered on tattle with receipts, and here’s a round-up of your top 5 from 2020.
5th place - That time she claimed to have been offered a 7 figure sum for the film rights to her life (50)
4th place - Indirectly lying about being a firefighter, and co-opting grenfell to talk about herself (63)
3rd place - The shimmery black eye (153)
2nd place - We’ve had muddy puddles, foolish charity shops and accidental extra sofas delivered. Runner up this year goes to “the lies about how she obtained all her expensive items.” (177)
And the winner is… The £20 shop - The people have spoken, and they chose this frankly irresponsible Tory propaganda as 2020’s most iconic lie. (201)
The Silver Poca Plate for “honorary frau of the year”
Our last award of the evening! For our final award, we’re taking the focus off Jack and putting it on something positive.
There are many valid reasons to not be on tattle, it might be that you’re taking the good fight to manipulative influencers directly on twitter and challenging their narrative. Alternatively, maybe you’re a journalist or celebrity yourself and having an account would affect your career. Perhaps it's just that you are a sheep.
This award honours all those who do not post here, but who we respect and admire enough to consider one of the coven nevertheless.
Saturn, we hope you’re well out there in the interplanetary trenches, keep up the good work! You are of course an eternal frau, if you ever get bored of being out there amongst the stars, you’ll always be welcome here.
3rd place - Nibbles and Loppy (Only 16.1% I demand a recount!)
2nd place - Matt Tebbutt, but the real version (17.5%)
And the winner is…The followers brave enough to speak out against Jack (46.4%)
It takes a lot of courage to publicly disagree with someone who has a much larger following online. This award is dedicated not to the bigots or trolls, but to those who raised contradictions, and spoke up when they felt wrongdoing was being perpetrated by JM. Many were fans at the time, some may even be fans still, but to all those squiggles who stood their ground and endured the flying monkeys for their troubles, we salute you.
Finally, I asked you all a very important question - are you Jack Monroe?
I am sorry to say that 5 of us said yes, meaning we have a chain of Jacks in our midst, in restaurant parlance.
44 of you said no, which was much more reassuring.
A staggering 396 of you told me to get to absolute duck. I’m so proud of you all!
Honestly it’s been incredible reading through the results and seeing drama like the “For Sale” sign and the unmasking of Peeky Mink not even scrape the top 5 wildest chaoses of the last 6-12 months. I think we can safely diagnose her as melodramatic to the extreme.
Here’s to 2021! I hope it’s a better year than 2020 has been, and that we’re all here again in 12 months with new inside jokes and the same great community feeling. I know many of us have had an incredibly difficult year, and I hope better days are coming for you all.
Annoyingly I can’t just sit and thank you all, as I’d inevitably miss someone out, and I’d hate to make JM’s printer run out of ink, I’m considerate like that
Thanks again Sideboard Bob for the trophies, and thanks to Kachoochoo for helping out with the Missed Deadline award (and for your excellent chronicling of the to do list.)
Last but not least I want to throw in a thank(space) you to traumatised sideboard for making me laugh so often. Slopbot is incredible, I love the new branding! http://www.slopbot.com/
And to each and every one of you on the JM threads: Take care of yourselves, have a wonderful festive season, and keep being your wonderful funny selves. You, the fraus, are what make these threads great. Each and every one of you contributes something to the experience in your own unique way.
Now duck off
Do let me know if anything is broken or poorly formatted!
I've just got Barracuda by Heart on my Spotify
Aso rattles the tip jar. Ugh.
Babe, same x
@Switchstreetz thank you for The Sloppies, missed the awards in real time, hubbie did wonder what I was chuckling away at when I had chance to view. Back to Jack last time I had a fever, sorry didn't take temperature was to ill, I was in bed and sleeping, in-between moving the duvet to either try to cool down or warm up. I would have no way been able to be on social media at all never mind constantly. Hope SB and Cooper are ok.
The Pheidippides of Food..
And all the lads on the ark royale
Oh Gawd, please don't let her weasel her way onto GMB! Don't think I could stomach her being interviewed about how she bravely, courageously, heroically, against all odds, battled on and through it. And how she, The Squiggles Princess, did it all for them.
A very confused squiggle here, who must be delirious just like Jack.
Attachments
Whole loaf of softy white bread. Temperature of 106 for days.
@Switchstreetz - thank you for the amazing Sloppies. This made me hoot up a lung
“I howled, gnashing my teeth. Then I looked at the actual top 5 and felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of tastebuds cried out at once in terror, and then were suddenly silenced. My rage abated, as I wept in relief that I would never have to languorously devour this cuisine myself. Later, I bought another Cotswold sideboard to cover the scratches in the floorboards”
@Switchstreetz - thank you for the amazing Sloppies. This made me hoot up a lung
“I howled, gnashing my teeth. Then I looked at the actual top 5 and felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of tastebuds cried out at once in terror, and then were suddenly silenced. My rage abated, as I wept in relief that I would never have to languorously devour this cuisine myself. Later, I bought another Cotswold sideboard to cover the scratches in the floorboards”
Good grief, what is she on about? She's a perpetual martyr and her basic state is furious sulking, how is this any different from usual? I wouldn't be surprised if - with the appearance of 'comrade' in her vocabulary - she's gone Russian Orthodox and has icons of herself in various states of piety on the fireplace. Truly no other saint has suffered quite as much as Jack, nor done as much for the poor.
So let me get this straight. She's allegedly been running a fever of over 41 degrees (which, according to the various medical screenshots posted here, mean she should probably be in hospital). Yet she's somehow got the energy to tweet nonstop and the appetite to polish off an entire loaf of bread? So brave, so inspiring, here, have £20 in the tip jar for being such a bleeping trooper and medical marvel. Oh, and duck off with the white hearts.
Thanks so much for this evening's entertainment @Switchstreetz and congratulations to all the worthy winners!
Thanks so much for this evening's entertainment @Switchstreetz and congratulations to all the worthy winners!
Jack , please learn to use apostrophes. It's not the worst thing about you, but it's up there.
(I'm still too giddy about the splendour of the Sloppies to be too enraged)
(I'm still too giddy about the splendour of the Sloppies to be too enraged)
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