- Notice
Flumps
VIP Member
Morning. Just popping in to remind you kids to accept no flumpy substitutions. And big, big thanks to all those who've already pointed that out. 
I don't post much atm, because head wobbles, but am definitely no cyborg squiggle, just in case that needed saying.
Enjoyed The Scotsman article, but like others, hope the rogue elements don't taint the balanced and nuanced nature of it. I think its criticisms of both sides had validity and it's proper good to see a bit of good journalism around this topic.
I've tended towards the overly generous in judging JM's motivations, but I think her behaviour since the article has really shown that there's a lot of calculation going on there.
Hope all fraus and herrs are doing ok.
I don't post much atm, because head wobbles, but am definitely no cyborg squiggle, just in case that needed saying.
Enjoyed The Scotsman article, but like others, hope the rogue elements don't taint the balanced and nuanced nature of it. I think its criticisms of both sides had validity and it's proper good to see a bit of good journalism around this topic.
I've tended towards the overly generous in judging JM's motivations, but I think her behaviour since the article has really shown that there's a lot of calculation going on there.
Hope all fraus and herrs are doing ok.
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
Breaking out my favourite venn diagram.
jenny2603
VIP Member
I was just idling about YouTube there, my appetite whetted by Glasto Jack when I chanced upon Jack delivering a speech to the South London Peoples Assembly. I was hoping to HOOT but actually find myself unexpectedly furious.
During the now familiar litany of no lightbulbs, cereal and water and no heating we get Jack telling the assembled crowd:
"...we're doing OK so no one is going to take my son away now but if anyone knew how we were really living...my son would have been taken into care. And that's one of the things this authoritarian government wields over us, you can't complain too loudly about how bad things really are because you will lose your children."
I can't imagine what would possess anyone to spread such a damaging and dangerous lie. As it's Jack I'll just assume it's to draw attention to herself. There is not a cat in hells chance of social work taking a child away solely because of a benefits issue. The family would be directed to welfare rights, food banks and other charitable support. The idea that a Tory government won't pay decent benefits but will splash out the thousands of pounds it take to keep a child in care in nonsensical. She does this all the time, what is her problem with highlighting the help that is available to people and encouraging people to access it, rather than telling people that if anyone finds out they're poor snatch squads will come and take their children. She really is evil.
ETA: Link
During the now familiar litany of no lightbulbs, cereal and water and no heating we get Jack telling the assembled crowd:
"...we're doing OK so no one is going to take my son away now but if anyone knew how we were really living...my son would have been taken into care. And that's one of the things this authoritarian government wields over us, you can't complain too loudly about how bad things really are because you will lose your children."
I can't imagine what would possess anyone to spread such a damaging and dangerous lie. As it's Jack I'll just assume it's to draw attention to herself. There is not a cat in hells chance of social work taking a child away solely because of a benefits issue. The family would be directed to welfare rights, food banks and other charitable support. The idea that a Tory government won't pay decent benefits but will splash out the thousands of pounds it take to keep a child in care in nonsensical. She does this all the time, what is her problem with highlighting the help that is available to people and encouraging people to access it, rather than telling people that if anyone finds out they're poor snatch squads will come and take their children. She really is evil.
ETA: Link
Congratulations to @FrumpyCat for the words and @MancBee for the nomination. Another cheeky little duo! 
There were several suggestions for titles referencing ‘terminator squiggle’, but in light of recent discoveries (see from bottom of p. 46 of the previous thread), it’s perhaps not appropriate to congratulate someone so familiar with our body of work.
Brief recap of thread #114:
1. There was a photo shoot and she wore some massive trainers.
2. Ever the Benny Hill of her bubble, she thought it would be hilarious to commit a streak.
3. She made lists of foods she likes to combine together for meals. Riveting stuff.
4. She unfollowed Laura Waddell. Laura’s not bothered tho.
5. Do you know she has ADHD?
6. Oh my god she was so thrilled for Giovanna Fletcher! Did you know that dear heart Gi is her good friend?
7. She is no longer in poverty. Repeat, she is no longer in poverty. She is frugal, and she’s ok with that, thankyou and she says good day.
8. @Switchstreetz posted her brainchild, The Sloppies. Go on with your bad self, Switch! People, make your voice count and cast your vote!
There were several suggestions for titles referencing ‘terminator squiggle’, but in light of recent discoveries (see from bottom of p. 46 of the previous thread), it’s perhaps not appropriate to congratulate someone so familiar with our body of work.
Brief recap of thread #114:
1. There was a photo shoot and she wore some massive trainers.
2. Ever the Benny Hill of her bubble, she thought it would be hilarious to commit a streak.
3. She made lists of foods she likes to combine together for meals. Riveting stuff.
4. She unfollowed Laura Waddell. Laura’s not bothered tho.
5. Do you know she has ADHD?
6. Oh my god she was so thrilled for Giovanna Fletcher! Did you know that dear heart Gi is her good friend?
7. She is no longer in poverty. Repeat, she is no longer in poverty. She is frugal, and she’s ok with that, thankyou and she says good day.
8. @Switchstreetz posted her brainchild, The Sloppies. Go on with your bad self, Switch! People, make your voice count and cast your vote!
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
** NEW **
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.
She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.
*****
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
** NEW **
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.
She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.
*****
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
- She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
- Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
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MancBee
VIP Member
I've not read this before, but this stood out for me. Her "accidental foray too close to the dance tent," where she "scurried away again, terrified by all the scantily clad muddy young things."
For goodness sake how old was she then?' 26? Terrified by people her own age having a dance, what on earth for, what does she think they were going to do to her? They weren't "young things" they were people her own age and probably a bit older. She sounds like an old grandma tutting at the goings on today.
Christ I used to go clubbing up untill a few years ago, certainly after I was 60. When lockdown is over, I might go again, anyone here like to join me, or would you all be terrified?
Frightened of a dance tent, frightened of the underground, she'll be frightened of her own shadow next. She needs to get a grip.
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ReginaPhalangee
VIP Member
I love that they typed out “Alan’s Big Plate”
MarmiteExtract
VIP Member
Court outfits are back on the menu, boys
Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
Nice day at school, Jack? Did you get any homework? Now tidy your room.
colouredlines
VIP Member
Every so often someone will unknowingly post a screenshot cheering "this squiggle gets it!" and nope, it's just another crossover account.
This is bad because, as mentioned many times, it feeds into Jack's narrative. If you have a Twitter account that you set up just to tweet angrily about Jack, then congrats, you are actively helping her.
It's also bad because no one in the history of the universe has changed their mind based on tweeted rants from anonymous randomers. You are not helping squiggles see the light. They'll just double down, which is human nature - people ultimately need to figure things out for themselves. Look at all our ex-squiggles here; they smelled a rat, did some research, and saw the light. They didn't see a #JackConroe tweet and get instantly converted.
Fact: whenever Jack posts about getting trolled, she gets comments like What spineless twats! Keep your chin up and check your paypal
So can we please agree on no Christmas ham this year?
This is bad because, as mentioned many times, it feeds into Jack's narrative. If you have a Twitter account that you set up just to tweet angrily about Jack, then congrats, you are actively helping her.
It's also bad because no one in the history of the universe has changed their mind based on tweeted rants from anonymous randomers. You are not helping squiggles see the light. They'll just double down, which is human nature - people ultimately need to figure things out for themselves. Look at all our ex-squiggles here; they smelled a rat, did some research, and saw the light. They didn't see a #JackConroe tweet and get instantly converted.
Fact: whenever Jack posts about getting trolled, she gets comments like What spineless twats! Keep your chin up and check your paypal
So can we please agree on no Christmas ham this year?
Smeghead
VIP Member
Funny you should say that, I literally bought a sideboard made of frozen toast from a charity shop in Leeds for £2.85. I pushed it all the way home (I live in London).
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Personally I don’t think we should give them any more attention
thanks for confirming you’re a previous member though
thanks for confirming you’re a previous member though
Harrybosch
VIP Member
I'd love my hair to fall out in clumps like that!
Hi Coven! I'm back. No one noticed I was gone because all hell broke lose while your resident cop took a break. I see though that you all stayed on top form, lots of sleuthing, lots of confusion, and we lost a bit of dead weight.
Vlad keeps sending me pictures of onesies with bum flaps. I gather we are being sued by a former Frau (or more likely Herr), but I SHAN'T wear those bum flap onesies to court, Vlad. I shan't.
Dogmuck
VIP Member
@Alansbigplate @Breakdance Badass
Lawyer up kids - squiggle is coming for yo ass!
I fear the squiggle doth protest too much!
Lawyer up kids - squiggle is coming for yo ass!
I fear the squiggle doth protest too much!
Attachments
HarderFaster
VIP Member
The sheer cognitive dissonance of someone facetuning themselves into a young teenager, while dressed like a 50 year old, with signature Millennial lip filler. Choose an age, Jack!
Why is she conflicted about his placement of onion rings in a burger when she promotes eating mussels with pears?
Montrachet
Chatty Member
I did! I searched for when you were last active like a right creepy troll. Your Detective skills were needed!
It doesn't take a great detective to work out that Kirsty is sending signals to her favourite member on Tattle. Much deserved recognition for a legend.
MancBee
VIP Member
Would I be honest with friends and tell them I thought their clothes were awful? Yes, and I have done occasionally. They have done so with me, too.
Would I go up to a stranger and comment on their clothes? No, that would be rude.
Would I make a comment to my friends if I saw someone wearing an awful outfit......yes absolutely, as most people do.
What we are doing here is commenting about someone's clothes with friends.....I hope I'm not being presumptuous calling you Fraus friends.