The Novak Nail award for most entertainingly bizarre lie (presented by Jay Cartwright, Inbetweeners*)
- The black eye
-The lies about her diet including such gems as being a Pescatarian bodybuilder/90% vegan/"i only shop ethically" and "i don't eat sugar"
-The lies about how she obtains her expensive goods. Includes the scarf in a muddy puddle, the extra free sofa, le creuset in a charity shop etc
- The valiant brambly mice
- The soft pink velvet curtains which turn you into a 12 year old boy
- Pretending some friends bought her £300 curtains (and presumably measured her bay window to do so) as a gift/in lieu of payment.
- The £20 shop feeding 3 a week, including such lies as "my budget doesn't stretch to butter," the empty foil tins in freezer & the ever replenishing cupboards and fridge.
- The mystery doorstep soap delivery
- Pretending to lose her "SSRIs" in a skip
- Breaking 47 out of the 26 bones in her foot (maybe she's been hoarding extras)
- Not drinking tea or coffee apart from when she does every day
- Feeding the homeless with melamine cutlery, Edinburgh
- The life changing kombucha, never seen again after that first phenomenal batch
- Claiming she could stand on her toes for 9 minutes thanks to all the ballet she did
- Lies about upbringing such as implying she grew up on food stamps when we don't have them in uk, number of GCSEs etc
- Claiming she was offered seven figures for a film based on her life (3 brilliant nominations from
@Montrachet 
)
- Lies that she turned down or risked any work for moral reasons, or that she is/was working with a huge brand or celeb, (such as Marcus, uk govt or Pret) but top secretly behind the scenes so can't disclose it
- Claiming to have been a stand in for Ruby rose
The Twitter Bully Award for pile on of the year (sponsored by Henry Hoover*)
- THAT MAN Jamie Oliver
- David Walliams
- Stacey Dooley
- Paul Hollywood
- Annunziata Rees-Mogg (
@Tabitha D i cannot believe that was this year, potatoes feels like a classic)
- LNER ("WHY ARE WE ALL SAT TOGETHER" "cause you're in the wrong seat, love") (
@Anonymousone another iconic JM moment thankyou dear heart!)
The Mission Inn Star award for worst slop (sponsored by the people who make airlines' vomit bags*) @Rosalind96
- Mackerel weetabix in a raw egg with noodles
- The 'sword in the stone' lasagne
- Mussels...and pears
- The faecal 'tin bolognese' with garlic
- SBs THRICE RECYCLED beetroot water boiled pasta & a raw flour cheese sauce. Yummy.
- The afterbirth oats
- Sausagne
- Cheesy fish finger lasagne
- Butter sausage with atomised kale to season
- A mancbee assassination attempt disguised as tomato soup
- Horridge with bacon and banana
- Horse spunk béchamel
- Grated corned beef chilli
The Full Moon award for best chaos (presented by Dr Ian Malcolm*)
- Thanks very matt much matt
- Celery, Edinburgh, "dishoom is not a chain" & accidental tongue photo upload
- The wigs
- Frau for a day, Jack joins tattle
- Thrifty shades of beige
- This morning Chicken lingreenie (chicken not included)
- The ouchy mouth saga and all pains oral, including lipstick healing and teething necklaces
- Peeky mink and their unmasking
- Comic kitchen & the identity masking cartoon filters
- GQ article ("how to centre yourself in an article supposed to be about someone else" by Jack Monroe with cameo by kickyball star) & video
- The For Sale sign from hell
- dusty Aunt Helen (DKL)
- The severed foot, finger splinter or any other non-oral physical injuries sustained right before she's due to have a public appearance
Most outrageous waste of money (sponsored by Apple*)
- The sentient mirror
- The smeg fridge
- The items of cotswolds furniture too numerous to count
- The dyson fan
- Edinburgh trip & sleeper train, last minute
- The lion bar deliveries
- The hammock
- Strawberry thief curtains
- However many pairs of airpods she has
The Eye of Sauron award for 'Best' TV/public performance: (presented by Jamie Oliver*) @Lumpyspaceprincess
- Daily Kitchen Live
- Hellman's
- GQ
- This Morning
Most useless and/or actively detrimental advice (sponsored by Captain Obvious & the Southend fire department*)
- You can use a bag for putting things in.
- When cooking you can wash up as you go along.
- The only knife you will ever need is a bread knife
- Any herb will do
- Suggesting a non AF port & wine reduction as an alternative to someone trying to cut the alcohol out of dishes
- Mince has different fat percentages because "it just does"
- Microwave some phat cloves of garlic, its not safe but your house will smell amazing while it burns down
- recommended buying a print of a fictional "sponsorbot" instead of going to seek out a real sponsor (
@Scarletfever)
Best Selfie of the year (presented by Nev and Max* - thanks @TheDragonWithAFlagon- sponsored by facetune*)
- Setting a timer to take a photo of her taking a photo with her tongue
- Taking a photo pretending to be really excited with hands to face
- Somethings simmering...sideboard modelling shots
- Trying to look like a 10 year old boy
- Black eye
- Sexy time in bed with cat
- Taking 'writing process' photos instead of writing
Most Urgent Item on the To Do List (special guest presenter kachoochoo who also provided nominations and descriptions 1 to 4)
1. Vegan crackling. The people have been waiting over a year for this masterpiece
2. Sideboard photos. something has been simmering since June. could it be the chicken thigh bone stock?
3. Rooting out Amazon from her website - people like companies that pay their taxes. Jack could set an example by not using them for the small commissions from affiliate links
4. Thrifty shades of beige - the people need the high quality postcards of comforting and delicious recipes that they have paid for
5. £15 a week free school meals. Of course jack could do better at planning them than local govt, she just doesn't want to. She's BUSY tweeting about doggos, ok?
Best imaginary friend/enemy (presented by Michael Caine*)
-"Only good for burger flipping" teacher
-Old chief who likes girls in skirts at the fire station. Traazers? On a bird?!
-"White trash shouldn't breed" lady
-Train man who sat too close and got his shins kicked
-Old man who sidled up to her to say he loved her work
-Matt Tebbutt (the "cheeky duo best mate" version, not the very real and very done with JM version)
- The shadowy cabal of bullying hausfrau ninnies (actually just people with receipts questioning the lies, added
@Montrachet)
The Silver Poca Plate for honorary frau of the year (dedicated also to our planetary friend, who sadly can't attend to present, but is a lifelong honorary frau)
- Jack's sentient mirror
- Cooper
- Nibbles & Loppy
- Marcus Rashford
- Matt of the forearms Tebbutt
- Miguel Barclay
@Nippybippy
- The followers brave enough to speak out against/call out Jack when they disagreed with her. (
@lilamay an excellent addition!)
*none of these sponsors/presenters are real. Viv, Marcus, Krish mate... if you're out there, donate just $15,000 a month to the fictional frauen patreon & we'll send you a postcard with a drawing of the presenters we wish we could have - and a recipe for chicken nuggets on the back
) it was a real mixed bag in terms of people's backgrounds, and the only real fault I can recall is the academic pressure where they felt that if you got less than Bs in your GCSEs you had failed and would amount to nothing 
that and not telling pupils that there were options other than doing your A levels and going to university... 
