Jack Monroe #102 Stop getting Bond wrong!

[MooBelle]

Oh dear god she's sunk to a new level of low.
Two squiggles have sent her money for the shopping trolley, despite another squiggle saying thst a trolley has been sent to her agent for her.
Due to diligent sleuthing of Fraus it turns out the original 2 squiggles are in bad times financially. One of them is in receipt of the Winter Warmer fund.
FFS. How is this legal? This is an out and put scam. She's taking money from people in actual poverty to fund her fucking sideboard addiction. If you found out a vulnerable friend or relative had given their last 20 quid to some rich celebrity because of lies they were telling you would ring the fucking police.
Absolutely fuming mad...

 

[JoyceDivision]

I

just had to delete my post because i accidentally uploaded loads of personal pics

But i said it makes me laugh that in the 'come to bed parmigiana' intro she says it took Louisa a month to admit she doesn't like pasta. Who doesn't like pasta! Poor Louisa probably had to make an excuse because she couldn't take it any longer, probably terrified that headrush spaghetti was just around the corner

I still think it weird that she named a dish for Allegra, Come to Bed Carbonara and for Louisa, Come To Bed Parmigiana you’d think Jack with her mAvErIcK brain would be a little more imaginative

 

[xoxo]

Sorry to go back to earlier today, but isn’t this carefully worded in a way that suggests that she made the pizza base? Cos I have a feeling it was purchased...

That Twitter handle mooted to be her, crysanth0s, did it disappear very soon after it was called out? Can’t find it on Twitter now. Nice use of a Greek name too...

ETA it looks like a Greek speaker used that handle until 2011, she signed up with it April 2020, I wonder how many more alt Twitter accounts will come out of the woodwork...

 

[Harrybosch]

She’s oddly obsessed with advent calendars. View attachment 306007View attachment 306008

Am I the only one who just wants a small piece of chocolate and a picture of a star in my advent calendar? I mean, why the fuck would I want baby powder, vaseline, and some old man aftershave?

 

[Alansbigplate]

The greengrocer and the bakers, she is LOCAL AND MINDFUL REMEMBER - she's one stop away from bumping into Bert from Mary Poppins

 

[Scarletfever]

Fake budget shop "two trips to asda" Jack is one of the worst incarnations.

Excuse me a moment, I need to get this out

SHUT THE FUCK UP JACK. You get milk and fuck knows what else delivered. You don't include any non food items that are normal expenses.

SO STOP FUCKING BENDING THE TRUTH FOR CLICKS

 

[Silver Linings]

 

[Montrachet]

I think it just about sums the nonsense up when you can't decipher whether they are discussing making their own soap, or sharing recipe ideas.

 

[Scarletfever]

YAY HER FINGER IS CURED!

 

[PoorPatrol]

It's definitely us she's addressing

View attachment 305941

You’re tearing yourself apart, you lying, puppyish demon! Stop exploiting people. Stop lying. Go to an actual therapist, not the Drop Dead Fred therapist of your imagination. You are a pathological liar, Jack. We quite literally have the receipts to back it up.
*Tips hat to the receipt angels

 

[Alansbigplate]

View attachment 305998View attachment 305999

 

[MancBee]

Can you imagine returning home from a long and stressful day at work?

L "What's for dinner hun?"

J "Spaghetti bolognese."

L "Oh, lovely. Freshly made spaghetti?"

J "Nah. I rinsed a tin of hoops, with a tin of mince on top. I added herbs and ketchup to zing it up a bit"

L "I'm just off for a bike ride, back in a bit" under her breath "chippy on the way home"

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

'If I'm going to be living here again, I am bloody well cooking and won't be shoved out like the cat'.

'BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK! I COOK!'

'Fine, I'll learn. Get a couple of recipe books, all you have to do is LEAVE ME ALONE in there'.

'You've got MY books already'.

'_____'

'I could do an anchoiade of marmalade and Bisto, lovingly spread across a slice of Mangowood and lentil meringue for tea?'

'_____'

'A soup of grassclippings, lemon curd and Wotsits, delicately garnished with half a Hydrangea bush and some Catsan crumble toppings?'

'_____'

'For Fuck's sake, why do you have to make things so hard? If you can't appreciate my PARTICULAR TALENTS, you might as well just have a fucking pizza and be done with it'


'PIzza? That's perfect. You lie on the sofa whilst the Drawing Paste does its thing and I'll handle that. [Tries to walk through door, but it is blocked by a hand more heavily bandaged than the Invisible Man] Can you let me into the kitchen now, please?'

'Wait! I'll need to get out the polyfilla, the lentil souffle out of the 3rd fridge, unicorn tears from the tins on the 2nd fridge and half a cup of Go-Cat to sprinkle over the top because we don't have any normal ingredients for Pizza, like caviar and quails eggs'

'WHAT? Oh, for fuck's sake. What do you want on your pizza?'

'[whispers tearfully as blood loss from the 2nd foot injury combines with the rapidly ascending Klebsiella and Tetanus from the literal branch stuck in her texting finger] There's some eggs and crab paste in the 1st outdoor fridge. And a melted Lion Bar'.

'FUCK THIS SHIT. I'm going back out.'

[SFX: Door slams, expensive pushbike is dragged back out of the garage and wheeled down the driveway]

Twenty Minutes Later.

[SFX: Front door slams]

'Right, I'm back and I've got some tinned tomatoes, cheese and Asparagus'.

'Bet you didn't get Tipo 00 flour, semolina, Ligurian Sea Salt shards, San Francisco sourdough starter, single bottle, more of a virgin than Mary, olive oil and a Kitchenaid pizza dough spinnytosser attachment though, did you? See, you just don't know what you're doing, do you?'

'No, I didn't'

[SFX: A packet of pre baked pizza bases are dropped onto the non-extendible parts of the Cotswold Company table]

'_______' [Ouchy lip quivers and a barely audible sniff]

'What?'

'It's just that, I was thinking, maybe, perhaps I could use those to make a curry and we could make a Pizza with blended wound dressings and my tears'

 

[lilamay]

I am sure somebody posted a vegan society thing recently which stated they had removed her from their list as she’s not vegan, but I couldn’t find it

I think that was Veganuary.

Ah - found it!

Thanks to @Bobtheknob

 

[kachoochoo]

what a load of shite. fOrEnSiCalLy

and still no sign of letdown larder

 

[Silver Linings]

Not even while you were sawing a for sale sign down, or scampering about in your skip?

 

[Mel Donte]

Lots of love to you @Alansbigplate and any other fraus who have ouchy brains at the moment. I hope that your black dogs soon turn into cheeky little puppies and scamper away.

 

[Satisfying Click]

Good old vegan lard soap!

 

[colouredlines]

@TurnedUpInTipp pleeeease make Headrush Spaghetti. It has white chocolate and dried mushrooms and even Jack has taken the recipe down, but the internet never forgets!

Headrush spaghetti with dried mushrooms, white chocolate and cream. 82p.

Traditionally, on Valentines Days gone by, I would knock up a pan of tagliatelle with a slow-cooked chilli and tomato sauce, hand torn basil and parsley, a few finely chopped olives and two lobster...

web.archive.org

Also the intro claims she used to cook lobster on pre-poverty Valentine's Day, but didn't she learn to cook by reading labels on jars of Lloyd Grossman sauces when poor OH GOD JUST PICK A STORY AND STICK TO IT

 

[Alansbigplate]

No, no, no! Please leave Bowie out of this

But she’s talking such