Recap!
AEG on Twitter, who is over-invested to the point of fixation but is definitely not Alice ramped up their tweeting activity, continuing to bang the drum of 102 fabrications, reminding us Ioan has a cocaine addiction and hoping that the custody evaluator orders substance testing. This is probably one of those 'be careful what you wish for' scenarios but as I am a mere brainless sea hag I will bow down to the far superior knowledge of the smartest person in the room.
Definitely not Alice reconfirmed that no abuse would have occurred if Ioan had just been a good boy and moved to the garage and kept Alice in doll heads, rosé, and Panda Express whilst she lay in her dog-
tit covered bed tweeting furiously all day in the filthy La Jolla home complete with a green pool containing enough lifeforms for David Attenborough to dedicate a three part series to.
She then addressed us directly by stating 'You decided to start a hate campaign against AE. For no reason. Now you can't handle that she has supporters? And we do know stuff! Tony Evans is on here too.' Terrified by the threat of Tony Corleone the Don of the Bristol Massive, Tattlers raced to close their accounts in abject fear after picking themselves up the floor where they had been lain shaking like a leaf .
The socks took a break from spewing disgusting ableist bile to guffaw about the fact that Bianca has a blue tick on Insta. Alice found this so funny she immediately raced to tell Lupine so they could share a joke about absolute nobodies who have a blue tick.
We were then treated to more half-arsed empty threats/promises that 'the truth will come out'. 'The Truth' appears to be a shitload of Twitter screenshats, Gloria's sworn testimony that Ioan never liked animals, and Lupine's word salad blog 'Everything's Coming up DARVO'. Current estimates expect 'The Truth' will finally come out on the 12th of Never.
NotAlice also kindly confirmed to everyone the School run was covered whilst Ioan and Bianca were in the Med (Calling Gloriaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
) and then offered definitive proof that she definitely was not Alice Evans by tweeting 'I love Alice Evans, I think she is the best mother ever, She is so kind, She is fr stunning'
NotAlice then appeared to throw an olive branch to us sea-hags by suggesting we may have gotten off on the wrong foot and asking us to step out from behind our flak vests of anonymity and walk a mile in her gold boots. Tattle answered with a resounding 'no' channelling our inner Erin Brokovich - 'That's all you got, lady. Two wrong feet in
bleeping ugly shoes'
It is alleged that G Lo is still working 6-8 hours a day. With a lack of evidence suggesting this time is spent on home-making it is likely her employment contract has been amended to include socking.
Tony Evans who has spent the last two years of his life on Twitter rewarding us with increasingly more erudite Tweets such as 'Fucko', 'Mr Bum Smell', 'A Ray of Bum Smell', 'Answers on a SAE' & 'Blocked - IMMEDIATELY!', had his arse handed to him on a silver platter by Ioan's brother Alun who as it turns out is the lesser known Mr Fantastic of the brothers Gruff.
In the same time Tone has been pissing his life away hunting for Trolls to repetitively block and unblock on Twitter Alun has been training for the formidable Dragon's Back Race, a 380km ultra-running event which includes 15,500 metres of ascent, which is roughly 2,000 metres less than climbing Mount Everest twice. The challenge involves running the equivalent of 1.5 marathons every day for six days, starting from Conwy Castle and finishing at Cardiff Castle. The course follows summit checkpoints along the most renowned mountain ranges of Wales. (Swivel on that Tone you Fucko!)
Alun has decided to raise funds for the MS Society by completing this very brave challenge which is either a lovely tribute to his future sister-in-law or evidence that Bianca's kinetic fanny is not only able to move mountains but can also command people to run up them very quickly. This of course has the added, but very much unintended, benefit of being the ultimate
duck you to Alice. Shortly after Alun announced his intentions bookmakers suspended all betting on him being unobtrusivelurker.
Ioan and Bianca very cleverly waited until just before boarding their transatlantic flight home to share Alun's Just Giving link leaving him to fend off some awkward questions as to identities of donors such as T. Akimbo and Goldie Boots and the significance of the number 26. With all jokes aside the Dragon's Back Race is an extremely physically and mentally taxing multi-day event and the whole of Tattle are unanimously behind Alun and commend his bravery in taking on such an extreme challenge whilst raising money for such a worthy cause and wish him well and for his safe return.
'Pick-me' Tattlers desperate for YoBee to pay us some attention raced to Alun's JustGiving page resulting in a flurry of donations which were all made anonymously. Alun is extremely easy on the eye and reportedly single so a queue has begun to form to give him deep tissue massages at the finish line. The queue is set to rival last's year queue to see the late Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and at last count was backed up three quarters along the way of the Severn Bridge and will soon be as far back as Bristol where Rachel Garner is excitedly waiting to join.
Alun, Patron Saint of Tattle Turds, had a final treat up his sleeve for us when his Insta also confirmed he was in the South of France in September 2021, further proof that Bianca had her feet firmly under the table at Casa del Gruff and was universally adored by the whole family before Alice even knew she existed.
The rabid tweeting reached a crescendo when a Tweet was made questioning the abilities of Hiraeth which is the Twitter equivalent of the Bat Symbol kindly informing Tattlers that a damning legal filing is due. This was proven when the filing appointing the custody evaluator made clear that Alice is utterly utterly fucked. Most of this will be brand new information to Alice who missed the majority of the hearing whilst setting up the FaceTime with Lupine. The bathroom door is bracing itself for an onslaught with a golf club. Hiraeth shared her expert analysis of the filing explaining the many ways Alice is utterly, utterly fucked as the donations to Alun continued to roll in.
. Now I'm having a well earned drink.
