Inheritance Money - mother recently inherited a substantial amount of money

[summersuzy]

As I said above, there was a lot more to our conversations than I’m willing to post online.
Our relationship problems go a lot deeper than money and we’ve started to sort them out. She’s also entered counselling for her own issues and I’m really proud of her.
If I hadn’t spoken to her about the money, amongst other things, then it’s very unlikely we would have have been able to start addressing important aspects of our relationship.

I hope your doing ok them conversations will always begin about something in particular but are often through other issues too and once one aspect is spoken about the others don’t seem to hold such a tight grip anymore. Well done for speaking because when relationships are tricky that isn’t easy. Take care

 

[Oohthedrama]

I assume she will leave what she has to you eventually.
are you an only child!?

 

[a.pain]

I’ve never been in a situation regarding inheritance so this isn’t quite the same but my mother has never given me money and never would, so in this situation I wouldn’t even ask or expect. I just don’t have the sort of mother that would see helping me out as a worthy thing to do. My mum struggles for money due to not being good with money and also gambling problems in the past. I have helped her out financially to the tune of thousands, while working my first job out of uni, as well as practical help for the gambling, and she’s never thanked me. One time I asked her to come help me with my sick baby, and she charged me fuel money. When she retired from her career (she still works but in another field) she took a lump sum from her pension and did a big speech to me about how she had all this money now and wanted to do something nice for me and therefore was going to buy me a tumble dryer for my house I’d just bought. That would be lovely I said. A year later no tumble dryer had appeared, I never mentioned it, a relative on my husbands side gave us their old one for free- my mum got very affronted and said how could I let someone else give me one when she said she was going to
Her brother is very well off (millions) and has on a couple of occasions given her a sum of money meant for me (for my wedding etc) and she has kept the majority of it for herself. On the wedding occasion I did call her out on it and she said she was entitled to the money because she was going to be out of pocket attending the wedding as she had to buy an outfit.
my mother in law on the other hand would share anything she had with us. Again, we never ask, but she came into a sum of money a while ago (about 50k) and used it for some home improvements etc and very kindly gifted all her 4 kids a couple of grand each. We were very grateful but if she hadn’t given us any I wouldn’t have minded. But I agree with the OP it’s entirely different if you are struggling through no fault of your own and your parent doesn’t help you. Yeah it’s not something you’re entitled to but I just don’t get parents who don’t put their kids first. Not saying they should at their own expense, but if I was in that position then helping out my kids would be the first thing I did especially if I had enough for the future and then a treat. I couldn’t enjoy the money knowing my kids were struggling. But there are some parents who no longer feel any responsibility to their kids after they turn 18. I guess that’s ok it’s just not my view. My kids are only little and yes I’d like to teach them to stand on their own two feet eventually but ill always be their mum and want to help them as much as I can in any way I can. Always my babies.

 

[Juliet]

Money reveals people’s true colours. My in-laws came into a large amount of money a couple of years ago, the whole family have fallen out and all hate each other over it OP I think if you’re struggling, you should ask your mum out right if she can help you out temporarily. You know she has the money, maybe she just hasn’t thought you needed the help so much. If she says no then at least you’ll know where you stand.

 

[RR20]

My elderly Gran said at Xmas that she wants to leave some money to myself and my sister when she's gone but I told her to spend the money on herself while she's still here to enjoy it.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I do agree with that but to be fair, she didn’t work for it either.

No she inherited it and one day you will as well. So tread carefully and stop asking because if you fall out you will get none and it will go directly to your kids.

Rather be happy for your mum and just keep your head down, maybe your mum feels you are being greedy and if you stop mentioning it she will surprise you with it

 

[Tor88]

My mother came into a reasonable sized inheritance, nothing major but it’s allowed for a few luxury items/trips and renovations in her home. I did not expect anything as I know it’s not my inheritance, if someone wanted you to have it they would’ve left you something. I’m regards to her sharing the wealth around, if you’re genuinely struggling to pay bills/put food on the table then I think it is selfish of her to not have offered anything or gifted you something to help. My mother gifted me a small amount when I moved home for furnishings and treated me occasionally but that was it. At the end of the day it’s her money, her choice. If you need help then ask, she may give it or loan you.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

My father died a few years ago, I've just been awarded his life insurance, I am technically his only child but I have 5 siblings through my mum and I have split the money between all of us. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't?!

 

[lipsticktaser]

I'd feel aggrieved, probably moan to my husband and leave it at that.
Everyone is different. Just because you would share the money doesn't mean she should have to. She might be thinking of her future.
You might be in a tight spot now, but you're young and have time to sort it out. She is (I'm assuming) nearer retirement age. This money will be cushioner for her and means she might actually be able to retire at a reasonable age.

The house will be yours, any policies will be yours, you'll have your own windfall one day (I know it's a bit crass to speak about your mother dying, I apologise). Maybe just let your mum be happy with her windfall even if it does niggle a bit.

I've been there. I do not get on with my mother. She even took a payout that was for me. She sold our childhood home to and went into a council house we didn't see a penny. My grandad died, we didn't see the will and got a few hundred pounds. I expect there was a lot more for us and a payout for my daughter but that never came.

It annoyed me at the time, but you know what, I barely think of it now. I have a bit of a relationship with her now for my daughters sake but if I held onto that restment I wouldn't be able to do that.
It's only money. There is always more. I've been well off, I've been so skint I've taped my shoes. Been happy and sad in both situations.
Is your relationship, and your child's relationship with your mother worth damaging by bringing it up for a few grand?

 

[Youngmum29]

You sound horrible and very immature. You've stopped huffing with her now she's handed over some money. I hope she sees through you and your grabby behaviour and spends the money before you go begging for money again when her will is read out.

As I said above, there was a lot more to our conversations than I’m willing to post online.
Our relationship problems go a lot deeper than money and we’ve started to sort them out. She’s also entered counselling for her own issues and I’m really proud of her.
If I hadn’t spoken to her about the money, amongst other things, then it’s very unlikely we would have have been able to start addressing important aspects of our relationship.

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

I can only speak from my experience, I grew up poor, we never had new clothes, constantly wore hand me downs. Bought all our food from frozen food stores. When I was a teenager my Dad got a better job after working 2 jobs for most of my childhood and we could finally afford things. I know how much my parents struggled now, but at the time they never let us see it.

I fell pregnant unexpectedly at a younger age and we also struggled really badly with finances, we are in a much better position now over the years as we got out of uni, got jobs, bought a house but I know how hard it was for us and the toll it took on us.

For that reason Id never see my kids struggle with normal every day life if I could help at all, so no OP if you are struggling financially I can’t see why your parent would be buying frivolous things and rubbing your nose in it. I think that’s really insensitive if I’m honest.

Probably an unpopular opinion.

 

[No style rocky]

I know it’s her money but I’d feel a little aggrieved. I guess I’d hope that they would add some money to an ISA for the grandkids [emoji2368]

 

[Youngmum29]

Thank you for all your replies. It’s a lot to think about.
Im definitely torn between a lot of contrasting feelings. I don’t want to confront her because as some said, I shouldn’t let money come between us and it is hers to do with as she pleases. I am an only child btw I’m going to wait and see what happens over Christmas/new year and take it from there.

 

[Pinchme]

My parents are forever helping my brother out and do you know what....it makes no bloody difference, he still goes out and spends loads of money and ends up in the same position every month! Why should people bail others out? There’s obviously a reason you are struggling but we don’t know the reason....
Credit card debt
Arrears
Just not enough money

I can understand that, to keep bailing children out, I don't agree with.

But as this is a windfall really and by the sounds of it a large one, the least a mum can do is share it and help out her daughter, I know I would.

 

[Pinchme]

I understand where u are coming from, I would be upset if that was me, your mum must know that by giving you some money would help you out, so for her not to do so I think is sad.

As a mum the first thing I would have done is helped out my kids weather they needed it or not.

Yes it's her money but it's a windfall, so should be enjoyed by all.

 

[Taco Cat]

Don't go there. You are an adult. She is under no obligation to help you financially. I understand its tough when you are struggling but it's not up to your mum to bail you out.

 

[GossBoss]

It's a really difficult situation + I can see it from both sides. I'm not going to comment on who should or shouldn't do what as I don't know you or your family. All I will say is, as an only child myself, don't let it come between you. Everything will happen as it's meant to whether that means your Mum gifts some to you or she decides not to. As hard as it is, respect what she decides as we only have 1 set of parents and they aren't around forever. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, it's certainly not meant to be, just I totally get where you're coming from but at the same time can see it from your Mum's side too.

 

[Youngmum29]

My parents are forever helping my brother out and do you know what....it makes no bloody difference, he still goes out and spends loads of money and ends up in the same position every month! Why should people bail others out? There’s obviously a reason you are struggling but we don’t know the reason....
Credit card debt
Arrears
Just not enough money

It’s simply just not enough money. My husband works full time and I was made redundant a few months ago without warning. Finding a job since has been difficult.
I don’t want this to sound like a pity party so I will stop there lol.

 

[Mercedes12]

My parents are forever helping my brother out and do you know what....it makes no bloody difference, he still goes out and spends loads of money and ends up in the same position every month! Why should people bail others out? There’s obviously a reason you are struggling but we don’t know the reason....
Credit card debt
Arrears
Just not enough money

I think it's unfair to blame an individual for money struggles - you don't know what has gone on in their life. Their financial problems may be due to losing a job through no fault of their own, being unable to work due to illness, unexpected bills etc

The poster explained that she has never asked her Mum for any money previously so this wouldn't be a case of her Mum bailing her out, she simply feels disappointed that her Mum is in a position to help her and has chosen not to.

As for everyone saying her Mum is under no obligation to share the money - she is not but I don't understand (personally) why a mother wouldn't want to help their child and grandchildren.

 

[newtoyou]

Take it from me, money can get in between even the closest of families.

I have a family member who many of us have bailed out in the past. We once leant him a large amount and he went for a meal out that very night. It's been 3 years since he said he would pay us back, never has, but has gone on multiple holidays since. I know we shouldn't do it, but it's hard not to keep tabs on what someone is spending when you've leant them money and they havent returned it.

I'm not saying that you would be wasteful with the money, but bear in mind that your mum might inadvertantly start watching what you're spending if she did give you the money.

I do think it's very insensitive that she's flaunting it in your face. But I agree with most others that it's hers and she should decide what to do with it.

I think if you are struggling financially, it's totally ok to straight up ask her for help. If she says no, then at least you know where you stand. Just be very careful to manage your expectations with the Christmas thing. There's a chance you'll be very disappointed and it could ruin your Christmas. IMO if you need help, there's no shame in asking outright.