I'm being bullied at work

[Lico]

As the title says, I think I'm being bullied by my work colleagues. We started around the same time in a new company. All was great for a while, then they turned on me. I was going through a bad time, and was in bad form and they reported me. Then it escalated. They are being really subtle, nobody else would notice, only me. They undermine me when they can, they exclude me from discussions. They were talking about the weather and I commented about a website that I follow, and they keep mentioning it as a dig at me. One of them was being OK with me, then she turned against me again. I tried calling her on teams, and she didn't answer so I messaged her and she replied straight away, so she just didn't want to talk to me.
I feel broken, I don't want to go back to work next week. It is really affecting me. I've tried to ignore their snideness and be nice to them, but I can't do it anymore. I spent most of the weekend crying.
I am looking for another job, but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

 

[Gflano]

You should talk to HR and your manager about the situation. I know work life we spend so many hours with our work colleagues but just remember that's all they are is work colleagues. You have family and friends they know and love you so don't let these get under you.

 

[Lynseyp]

I can relate to this, I have also been bullied at work, my advice is to make a formal complaint/grevience by letter and hand it to your manager and request that they respond to you.
They then have a duty to sort the issue out.
Also make a diary of what is happening, when (date and time) its happened, any witnesses? Make as many notes as possible.
Your manager will then realise that this should be taken seriously.

Please keep us informed, good luck we are here for you x

 

[Lico]

Please keep us informed, good luck we are here for you x

Thanks, it means a lot to have somewhere to get support.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

My advice is definitely keep records of when the bullying happens. What was said, who said it, witnesses etc. I was bullied at my last work to the point of feeling sick when I got to the doors of a morning.

I wish I had kept proper records as I wasn't believed by management until a supervisor happened to be around a corner and heard what was said to me.

I wish you all the best and please look after your mental health as well. There's nothing as 'crazy making' as being bullied by supposed adults.

 

[1001 others]

I agree that noting instances (what happened, when, who else was around, what you did, etc.), is important, as is talking to HR ... although, maybe your direct line manager would be best in the first instance (if you can trust them)?

Something else I would like to suggest, and I'm not sure how you'd feel about this - is to call them out on their behaviour as it happens: Regardless of whether they're alone or others are around, simply say, "Don't speak to me like that,"... if you stand up to them then it might put them in their place. But I get that's a very hard thing to do. I'd also recommend you keep to yourself - don't engage in small chat with them, and try to rise above it. They'll likely all turn on each other eventually - most people like this do if their target moves on.

Sadly, bullies will always be a thing ... my elderly aunt is being bullied by a bunch of nasties at her retirement home!

 

[MaineCoonMama]

I tried to speak to my bullies, asked them why and told them we are at work, let's behave like adults. My God, that just made it worse.

And thank you @1001 others for writing target instead of victim. We aren't victims, we are indeed targets. Also your poor Aunt, just goes to show some people are just horrid all their lives.

 

[Kaye1976]

Read up on the term Gaslighting!

 

[honey&lemon]

If I was you I would say you need to make a decision and then base your actions from there.

If you want to stay in the company, then definitely go down the route of noting every single instance of bullying. No matter how minor. Do it for at least a month. Then approach HR/Manager or both. In the meantime, have a look online about assertiveness training. It can help you find ways to challenge them without it being so direct that it risks aggravating it and also prepare you to keep your cool during difficult conversations when you officially raise it.

alternatively if you are positive you want to leave, focus all your energy on that. Get your cv up to date and out to a few recruitment agencies, update your linked in. Use breaks to browse jobs and send applications. Don’t give them a single second more of your time than absolutely necessary.

Both options are about taking the control back off them and to you. They aren’t going to change, so you will need to make the changes to make things better for you. Good luck and we’re here for you.

 

[tawdryhepburn]

i’m sorry i don’t have any advice to offer, because i have been in an extremely similar situation myself a couple of years ago and had no idea how to cope outside of waiting for my leaving date. just know that you’re not alone and they would do this to anyone because of the cliquey dynamic. don’t blame yourself, you’re not the problem! i’m sending you lots of virtual love and best wishes xx

 

[Lico]

Read up on the term Gaslighting!

Just read up there, there are elements of gaslighting alright. They are trying to humiliate and belittle me. I tried to rise above it and not show them it is getting to me, but they actually ramped up their campaign. They want to break me.

If I was you I would say you need to make a decision and then base your actions from there.

If you want to stay in the company, then definitely go down the route of noting every single instance of bullying. No matter how minor. Do it for at least a month. Then approach HR/Manager or both. In the meantime, have a look online about assertiveness training. It can help you find ways to challenge them without it being so direct that it risks aggravating it and also prepare you to keep your cool during difficult conversations when you officially raise it.

alternatively if you are positive you want to leave, focus all your energy on that. Get your cv up to date and out to a few recruitment agencies, update your linked in. Use breaks to browse jobs and send applications. Don’t give them a single second more of your time than absolutely necessary.

Both options are about taking the control back off them and to you. They aren’t going to change, so you will need to make the changes to make things better for you. Good luck and we’re here for you.

Thanks for the advice. I have updated my CV and applied for a few jobs this evening. Unfortunately, I will have to travel, as there aren't many jobs locally. But its the price that I have to pay for my sanity.
I am going to counselling, which helps, but I was advised to kill them with kindness and not let work consume me, which is not working.

i’m sorry i don’t have any advice to offer, because i have been in an extremely similar situation myself a couple of years ago and had no idea how to cope outside of waiting for my leaving date. just know that you’re not alone and they would do this to anyone because of the cliquey dynamic. don’t blame yourself, you’re not the problem! i’m sending you lots of virtual love and best wishes xx

Thanks you so much. I have depression and anxiety, and I know that makes it harder for me to deal with assholes. I suppose they know this and that is why they are doing it to me. There are 5 others in my group, and 2 of them are openly making smart remarks in front of me, one of them is sitting back, sniggering away, enjoying the show, but cute enough not to implicate himself. Another one is stirring the tit in the background, and the final person is not really partaking, but not preventing it either. It is the fact that all of them are against me. I don't have any allies.
I did try to rise above it, but I think it upset them that I wasn't getting annoyed, so they stepped up their tit.
I just don't speak to them unless it's work related.

 

[thatstupidcat]

Just read up there, there are elements of gaslighting alright. They are trying to humiliate and belittle me. I tried to rise above it and not show them it is getting to me, but they actually ramped up their campaign. They want to break me.


Thanks for the advice. I have updated my CV and applied for a few jobs this evening. Unfortunately, I will have to travel, as there aren't many jobs locally. But its the price that I have to pay for my sanity.
I am going to counselling, which helps, but I was advised to kill them with kindness and not let work consume me, which is not working.


Thanks you so much. I have depression and anxiety, and I know that makes it harder for me to deal with assholes. I suppose they know this and that is why they are doing it to me. There are 5 others in my group, and 2 of them are openly making smart remarks in front of me, one of them is sitting back, sniggering away, enjoying the show, but cute enough not to implicate himself. Another one is stirring the tit in the background, and the final person is not really partaking, but not preventing it either. It is the fact that all of them are against me. I don't have any allies.
I did try to rise above it, but I think it upset them that I wasn't getting annoyed, so they stepped up their tit.
I just don't speak to them unless it's work related.

I think as painful as it is, you’re making the right call looking for other work. Life is way too short to try and deal with work bullies and NO job is worth spending your days off crying.

In my experience, it doesn’t get better (no matter how bolshy or nice I was) and the one time I went to HR it exploded spectacularly in my face.

Best of luck Lico

 

[squiggle91]

Hey op just wanted to give you some advice first and foremost I am sorry your going through this it’s awful you always assume the bullying stops when you leave school I learnt the hard way it doesn’t

so last year during the peak of covid I was working in a care home the pay was brilliant hours suited me and it was busy we had residents who were very poorly with covid and because hygiene standards were very high ie washing hands all the time constantly changing ppe and following covid rules bagging laundry from a infected person sometimes people forgot things during this time not big things very small things like not moving a cup.

up till that point I had got on with my manager we weren’t best friends but I feel there was a line of respect there I’m a senior and she was my manger I ran a small team who listened to me and genuinely liked me. I notice she my manager started putting comments in a communication book about just me and my team again small things not even worth writing down this began every few days then it got to a point it was every single day just nit Picking at small things that other teams were doing too but my team was singled out for.

Then one day a resident who is very well known to be difficult and who everyone complains about complained that she didn’t feel loved and that other residents were getting more attention (the ones that were dieing of covid or very poorly she never caught it) of courses this went straight to management who again blamed me during handover I had day team and another senior so say 6 women and my own team another 3 listen while my manager Ran me into the ground said I wasnt capable of doing the job she didn’t know why she hired me and I was a awful person and that if anyone died it would be down to me alone and that any complaints she saw as solely my fault alone no one else’s I stood there stunned and humiliated and nodded while trying not to cry you could cut the atmosphere with a knife no one would look at me my own team attempted to defend me and she threatened them with displinary.

I ended up going home sobbing in the back of a taxi and attempting to take my own life with paracetamol as soon as I got in the house. I wrote a suicide note detailing the bullying that had now gone on everyday for 3 months even when I wasn’t at work I would get texts from other members of staff saying about what she was saying about me for example my hair was scruffy I was overweight and hadnt I heard of weight watchers she even left a leaflet out one time for a diet club knowing I’d see it and made a comment like have you thought about going you are off work this was during covid so it wasn’t even open it was just something else to dig at.

Fourtunatley my mom came to check on me a hour later and I had to have my stomach pumped at hospital and having to see a mental health team who deemed it was a one off occasion and a heat of a moment and advised me to contact my gp. my mom also phoned my work and told my manager what happened who ended up in tears on the phone apologising saying she didn’t realise I’d take it to heart (how else was I meant to take it?) and she’d deal with it in house and not get HR involved or the area manager to this day they don’t know about it.

I did go back to work a week later and she couldn’t stop apologising saying I should of come to her and not to take her seriously and that she doesn’t always mean what she says. That was last year I’m still at the same job and so is she. It is strained sometimes between us but on the whole we actually get on she had apologised again recently and said it was the stress of covid that got to her and she thinks she may of just taken it out on me and pushed me too hard she never writes in the communication books and any complaints she communicates with me ( like two adults should) I used to dread her coming in and I still have those days but there rare and far between.

I know some may ask why didn’t you or haven’t left but in my head I thought no why shouldI I? it is decent pay in a team I enjoy working with and why should I walk away from that due to just one person I don’t get on with I know I’m good at my job and I deserve to be there too.
I’m embarrassed I even took it as far as trying to take my own life because she simply isn’t and wasn’t worth it I do regret not pulling her aside and just saying your genuinely getting to me please stop but she is a much nicer person now to everyone sorry for the long post just wanted to reassure you it’s not just you this happens too xx

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

As the title says, I think I'm being bullied by my work colleagues. We started around the same time in a new company. All was great for a while, then they turned on me. I was going through a bad time, and was in bad form and they reported me. Then it escalated. They are being really subtle, nobody else would notice, only me. They undermine me when they can, they exclude me from discussions. They were talking about the weather and I commented about a website that I follow, and they keep mentioning it as a dig at me. One of them was being OK with me, then she turned against me again. I tried calling her on teams, and she didn't answer so I messaged her and she replied straight away, so she just didn't want to talk to me.
I feel broken, I don't want to go back to work next week. It is really affecting me. I've tried to ignore their snideness and be nice to them, but I can't do it anymore. I spent most of the weekend crying.
I am looking for another job, but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

Aw OP I am really sorry to hear this is going on. Nothing worse than a bully, it speaks volumes about them more than anything.

Years ago when I was late teens/early twenties I worked in a call centre which had lots of little cliques. I was very much someone who liked to just keep myself to myself, do my job and go home. It would have been nice to have good friendships in there but it just wasn't meant to be. Like yourself and mentioning the weather, I remember one really quiet day I was just reading the Daily Mail site as it was one of the only sites that weren't blocked from accessing.. they were just sniggering and making jokes about how sad was I to be sat reading the news. It made me feel like tit.

Can you speak with HR or perhaps even someone more senior who you like or get on with? keep a record of what is going on. Don't let them get away with making you feel tit and potentially making you walk away from your job. Work place bullying is so common. I have worked in some horrible places in the past but it won't always be this way, stay strong and keep us updated on how you get on xo

 

[Annie101]

You should not be looking for another job, when dealing with bullies in the workplace. When i think back to my younger self i took so much crap from people, but the perk from getting "more mature", is that you get that confidence and your body language and tone of voice basically relays that you are a person not to be messed with. They must be insecure about themselves around you - stand up for yourself and dont run away from the problem - you will always those kind of people in every workplace. Wishing you luck and love

 

[Lico]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. It's selfish to admit, but I am relieved that ye have been through similar. Just so I'm not alone.
I have been working from home a lot, so have asked to be in office more regularly. I am trying to surround myself with nice people and keep myself busy.
Part of my problem is that I don't really have any friends or interests, so issues at work consume me more. So I am going to get out walking in a group.
I am stubborn, so really don't want to give them the satisfaction of leaving.

 

[Dot_Cotton]

Sorry to hear this. You just don’t expect it as an adult at work but there will be bullies everywhere at every age. Sounds like these girls bonded over a mutual dislike for you. Maybe because of jealousy but the why isn’t that important it’s what you can do now for your own sanity.
Firstly you are going to work and should be happy and safe when you go there. You shouldn’t feel like you can’t face going or hate every minute of it because of these twats. You need to do what is best for you because this is going to have a massive impact on your mental health.
The company should definitely have a zero tolerance attitude to bullying. They should also have a interest in mental health these days.
If it were me, I would contact my union rep first and just run it past them. If you don’t have one, go to your manager if you trust them or HR if you don’t. Like others have said make a note of times things happen and how you feel at the time because it’s easy to think of past things then play them down.
I absolutely hate stuff like this and the little rats need taking down a peg or two. If it’s subtle bullying and you kick off and tell them to get to duck they will turn it round on you and make out your overreacting so the official route is probably best. Keep us updated and if you feel that bad, go off sick and get your head straight while you think things through. Might be a good way to bring it to your managers attention

 

[Keikochan]

I totally agree with what @Dot_Cotton says about if you tell them to duck off they'll turn it around on you, so def try keep your cool & possibly go the HR route with notes.

However unfortunately HR doesn't always care about employees & are more so HeRe for the company.

If you do leave, make it know to HR & Manager when asked why & in exit interview that you are leaving bc of the bullying.

 

[Dot_Cotton]

@Lico how long have you been with the company? Could you not have a case for constructive dismissal if the company don’t take any action and therefore force you out?

 

[Lico]

@Lico how long have you been with the company? Could you not have a case for constructive dismissal if the company don’t take any action and therefore force you out?

I'm only in this job a year and a half. I don't really want to go legal, as i don't want to get a bad name. The industry that I am in is quite small and incestuous.
I completely agree with ye that if I try to tackle them, I will come out of this as the troublemaker.