I'm being bullied at work

[Lico]

As the title says, I think I'm being bullied by my work colleagues. We started around the same time in a new company. All was great for a while, then they turned on me. I was going through a bad time, and was in bad form and they reported me. Then it escalated. They are being really subtle, nobody else would notice, only me. They undermine me when they can, they exclude me from discussions. They were talking about the weather and I commented about a website that I follow, and they keep mentioning it as a dig at me. One of them was being OK with me, then she turned against me again. I tried calling her on teams, and she didn't answer so I messaged her and she replied straight away, so she just didn't want to talk to me.
I feel broken, I don't want to go back to work next week. It is really affecting me. I've tried to ignore their snideness and be nice to them, but I can't do it anymore. I spent most of the weekend crying.
I am looking for another job, but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

 

[Gflano]

You should talk to HR and your manager about the situation. I know work life we spend so many hours with our work colleagues but just remember that's all they are is work colleagues. You have family and friends they know and love you so don't let these get under you.

 

[squiggle91]

Hey op just wanted to give you some advice first and foremost I am sorry your going through this it’s awful you always assume the bullying stops when you leave school I learnt the hard way it doesn’t

so last year during the peak of covid I was working in a care home the pay was brilliant hours suited me and it was busy we had residents who were very poorly with covid and because hygiene standards were very high ie washing hands all the time constantly changing ppe and following covid rules bagging laundry from a infected person sometimes people forgot things during this time not big things very small things like not moving a cup.

up till that point I had got on with my manager we weren’t best friends but I feel there was a line of respect there I’m a senior and she was my manger I ran a small team who listened to me and genuinely liked me. I notice she my manager started putting comments in a communication book about just me and my team again small things not even worth writing down this began every few days then it got to a point it was every single day just nit Picking at small things that other teams were doing too but my team was singled out for.

Then one day a resident who is very well known to be difficult and who everyone complains about complained that she didn’t feel loved and that other residents were getting more attention (the ones that were dieing of covid or very poorly she never caught it) of courses this went straight to management who again blamed me during handover I had day team and another senior so say 6 women and my own team another 3 listen while my manager Ran me into the ground said I wasnt capable of doing the job she didn’t know why she hired me and I was a awful person and that if anyone died it would be down to me alone and that any complaints she saw as solely my fault alone no one else’s I stood there stunned and humiliated and nodded while trying not to cry you could cut the atmosphere with a knife no one would look at me my own team attempted to defend me and she threatened them with displinary.

I ended up going home sobbing in the back of a taxi and attempting to take my own life with paracetamol as soon as I got in the house. I wrote a suicide note detailing the bullying that had now gone on everyday for 3 months even when I wasn’t at work I would get texts from other members of staff saying about what she was saying about me for example my hair was scruffy I was overweight and hadnt I heard of weight watchers she even left a leaflet out one time for a diet club knowing I’d see it and made a comment like have you thought about going you are off work this was during covid so it wasn’t even open it was just something else to dig at.

Fourtunatley my mom came to check on me a hour later and I had to have my stomach pumped at hospital and having to see a mental health team who deemed it was a one off occasion and a heat of a moment and advised me to contact my gp. my mom also phoned my work and told my manager what happened who ended up in tears on the phone apologising saying she didn’t realise I’d take it to heart (how else was I meant to take it?) and she’d deal with it in house and not get HR involved or the area manager to this day they don’t know about it.

I did go back to work a week later and she couldn’t stop apologising saying I should of come to her and not to take her seriously and that she doesn’t always mean what she says. That was last year I’m still at the same job and so is she. It is strained sometimes between us but on the whole we actually get on she had apologised again recently and said it was the stress of covid that got to her and she thinks she may of just taken it out on me and pushed me too hard she never writes in the communication books and any complaints she communicates with me ( like two adults should) I used to dread her coming in and I still have those days but there rare and far between.

I know some may ask why didn’t you or haven’t left but in my head I thought no why shouldI I? it is decent pay in a team I enjoy working with and why should I walk away from that due to just one person I don’t get on with I know I’m good at my job and I deserve to be there too.
I’m embarrassed I even took it as far as trying to take my own life because she simply isn’t and wasn’t worth it I do regret not pulling her aside and just saying your genuinely getting to me please stop but she is a much nicer person now to everyone sorry for the long post just wanted to reassure you it’s not just you this happens too xx

 

[Lico]

So, I handed in my notice. I'm finished at the end of the month. I'm pissed off, as the money was good and the job was local. I'll probably end up less well off financially. But I've made my decision and I have to stick by it.
I'll be flat out on tattle soon!

 

[1001 others]

I agree that noting instances (what happened, when, who else was around, what you did, etc.), is important, as is talking to HR ... although, maybe your direct line manager would be best in the first instance (if you can trust them)?

Something else I would like to suggest, and I'm not sure how you'd feel about this - is to call them out on their behaviour as it happens: Regardless of whether they're alone or others are around, simply say, "Don't speak to me like that,"... if you stand up to them then it might put them in their place. But I get that's a very hard thing to do. I'd also recommend you keep to yourself - don't engage in small chat with them, and try to rise above it. They'll likely all turn on each other eventually - most people like this do if their target moves on.

Sadly, bullies will always be a thing ... my elderly aunt is being bullied by a bunch of nasties at her retirement home!

 

[Lico]

So, i Just want to give an update. I finished my job 4 months ago. I had an exit interview, and told HR about the bullying, and I had gone to my manager and he didn't want to know. Big mistake. I have been applying for jobs, and am not having any luck. I was supposed to have a second interview this week and it was cancelled. I was contacted about several jobs, and didn't get called for an interview. I have a feeling that my ex boss or colleagues are bad mouthing me. I am devastated. I am considering contacting a solicitor about it. I am broke and bored, and feel like I will never get another job because of the bullies.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

I tried to speak to my bullies, asked them why and told them we are at work, let's behave like adults. My God, that just made it worse.

And thank you @1001 others for writing target instead of victim. We aren't victims, we are indeed targets. Also your poor Aunt, just goes to show some people are just horrid all their lives.

 

[maytoseptember]

I went through similar. I started a new job with this other girl at the same time, and thought we got on just fine, but then she turned against me and another girl (who had always been cold and standoffish) joined in. There were only four of us sharing the office so the atmosphere was frosty verging on intolerable. I started job hunting and left as soon as I could. I was only there for 14 months.

My only regret is that I wasn’t candid enough in my exit interview. The supervisor (who knew what had been going on) asked me whether I was leaving due to X. I said something about feeling like it was time to move on. That was a lie, I should have said “yes, I’m leaving because my mental health couldn’t take any more”.

The job I moved onto was the BEST. I’m so glad I took it.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

My advice is definitely keep records of when the bullying happens. What was said, who said it, witnesses etc. I was bullied at my last work to the point of feeling sick when I got to the doors of a morning.

I wish I had kept proper records as I wasn't believed by management until a supervisor happened to be around a corner and heard what was said to me.

I wish you all the best and please look after your mental health as well. There's nothing as 'crazy making' as being bullied by supposed adults.

 

[Lynseyp]

I can relate to this, I have also been bullied at work, my advice is to make a formal complaint/grevience by letter and hand it to your manager and request that they respond to you.
They then have a duty to sort the issue out.
Also make a diary of what is happening, when (date and time) its happened, any witnesses? Make as many notes as possible.
Your manager will then realise that this should be taken seriously.

Please keep us informed, good luck we are here for you x

 

[thatstupidcat]

Just read up there, there are elements of gaslighting alright. They are trying to humiliate and belittle me. I tried to rise above it and not show them it is getting to me, but they actually ramped up their campaign. They want to break me.


Thanks for the advice. I have updated my CV and applied for a few jobs this evening. Unfortunately, I will have to travel, as there aren't many jobs locally. But its the price that I have to pay for my sanity.
I am going to counselling, which helps, but I was advised to kill them with kindness and not let work consume me, which is not working.


Thanks you so much. I have depression and anxiety, and I know that makes it harder for me to deal with assholes. I suppose they know this and that is why they are doing it to me. There are 5 others in my group, and 2 of them are openly making smart remarks in front of me, one of them is sitting back, sniggering away, enjoying the show, but cute enough not to implicate himself. Another one is stirring the shit in the background, and the final person is not really partaking, but not preventing it either. It is the fact that all of them are against me. I don't have any allies.
I did try to rise above it, but I think it upset them that I wasn't getting annoyed, so they stepped up their shit.
I just don't speak to them unless it's work related.

I think as painful as it is, you’re making the right call looking for other work. Life is way too short to try and deal with work bullies and NO job is worth spending your days off crying.

In my experience, it doesn’t get better (no matter how bolshy or nice I was) and the one time I went to HR it exploded spectacularly in my face.

Best of luck Lico

 

[Lico]

Read up on the term Gaslighting!

Just read up there, there are elements of gaslighting alright. They are trying to humiliate and belittle me. I tried to rise above it and not show them it is getting to me, but they actually ramped up their campaign. They want to break me.

If I was you I would say you need to make a decision and then base your actions from there.

If you want to stay in the company, then definitely go down the route of noting every single instance of bullying. No matter how minor. Do it for at least a month. Then approach HR/Manager or both. In the meantime, have a look online about assertiveness training. It can help you find ways to challenge them without it being so direct that it risks aggravating it and also prepare you to keep your cool during difficult conversations when you officially raise it.

alternatively if you are positive you want to leave, focus all your energy on that. Get your cv up to date and out to a few recruitment agencies, update your linked in. Use breaks to browse jobs and send applications. Don’t give them a single second more of your time than absolutely necessary.

Both options are about taking the control back off them and to you. They aren’t going to change, so you will need to make the changes to make things better for you. Good luck and we’re here for you.

Thanks for the advice. I have updated my CV and applied for a few jobs this evening. Unfortunately, I will have to travel, as there aren't many jobs locally. But its the price that I have to pay for my sanity.
I am going to counselling, which helps, but I was advised to kill them with kindness and not let work consume me, which is not working.

i’m sorry i don’t have any advice to offer, because i have been in an extremely similar situation myself a couple of years ago and had no idea how to cope outside of waiting for my leaving date. just know that you’re not alone and they would do this to anyone because of the cliquey dynamic. don’t blame yourself, you’re not the problem! i’m sending you lots of virtual love and best wishes xx

Thanks you so much. I have depression and anxiety, and I know that makes it harder for me to deal with assholes. I suppose they know this and that is why they are doing it to me. There are 5 others in my group, and 2 of them are openly making smart remarks in front of me, one of them is sitting back, sniggering away, enjoying the show, but cute enough not to implicate himself. Another one is stirring the shit in the background, and the final person is not really partaking, but not preventing it either. It is the fact that all of them are against me. I don't have any allies.
I did try to rise above it, but I think it upset them that I wasn't getting annoyed, so they stepped up their shit.
I just don't speak to them unless it's work related.

 

[Lico]

First of all, remember it is them with the problem, not you. Sadly, many work places have bullies. Adults are just children over 18 basically. You have to document any incidents of bullying and try and gather evidence and then take this to your line manager. Trust me, companies take this very seriously. It might just take the ring leader getting dismissed and the whole posse will break up. You shouldn't be the one to leave.. Try and find alliances in the good people.

I went to manager. He took their side. I have gone completely quiet and withdrawn, so now they are trying to insinuate that I'm a psycho. Gaslighting me. So I handed 8n my notice. I can't put up with their shite any longer.

 

[justheretoread99]

I can sadly really relate to your position.

I started at an office when I was 21 and all the women on my team (who were all late 20’s and 30’s bullied me relentlessly) including my line manager. I put it down to jealousy and that they were just nasty old bitter witches.
The whole ordeal gave me awful anxiety and I suffered panic attacks every morning. I was sat crying at my desk every day. The company ended my contract as they were ‘concerned for my mental health’. Long story short their concern was bullshit.

I wish I had told the HR team and escalated it.
I agree with other posters in to definitely telling someone about it. Keep a diary. Ignore any nasty comments and don’t react to what they say/do to you in the meantime. Whatever you have to speak about, keep it professional and work related.

You shouldn’t have to, but is it possible to request a transfer to a different team/role?

Even if they are called out/reprimanded/warned for their behaviour I wouldn’t want to be on the same team as people like them.

I really hope you’re okay, this is sadly very common, and such an awful position to be in.

Do keep us updated. And remember: bullies are insecure and unhappy with their own lives. That’s why they attempt to bring others down. You’re a million times better than they would ever be

Here are some links I’ve found that could be useful too

What bullying is - Bullying at work - Acas

What bullying means, including employer responsibilities and what to do if you're being bullied at work.

www.acas.org.uk

Bullying at work

Find out how to identify if you're being bullied at work, how to stop it and advice on getting support.

www.nhs.uk

Bullying in the Workplace | Bullying advice for employees

Bullying at work - Information for employees experiencing bullying in the workplace with information, practical advice and a free confidential helpline

www.nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk

Workplace bullying and harassment

What to do about bullying and harassment at work - the law, action employees can take and advice for employers about their responsibilities

www.gov.uk

 

[honey&lemon]

If I was you I would say you need to make a decision and then base your actions from there.

If you want to stay in the company, then definitely go down the route of noting every single instance of bullying. No matter how minor. Do it for at least a month. Then approach HR/Manager or both. In the meantime, have a look online about assertiveness training. It can help you find ways to challenge them without it being so direct that it risks aggravating it and also prepare you to keep your cool during difficult conversations when you officially raise it.

alternatively if you are positive you want to leave, focus all your energy on that. Get your cv up to date and out to a few recruitment agencies, update your linked in. Use breaks to browse jobs and send applications. Don’t give them a single second more of your time than absolutely necessary.

Both options are about taking the control back off them and to you. They aren’t going to change, so you will need to make the changes to make things better for you. Good luck and we’re here for you.

 

[Scottish Care Bear]

as someone who suffered from bullying at work & left my job. My heart goes out to you. I went off sick due to the bullying as it was my manager who was the main bully. I kept a note of every comment, remark, dig & really anything that he did in my diary. He had colleagues pass messages onto me as well from him. HR got involved as another colleague complained about him. I couldn’t return to my job & l wish l had fought more to stay but at the time l just had no fight left.

Id advise you to keep a note of everything. Don’t rise to them. Speak with HR or ACAS.

 

[Kaye1976]

Read up on the term Gaslighting!

 

[Lico]

So, in our morning zoom meeting, I log in. Colleagues all in, boss not logged in yet. Last colleague logs in, say 'good morning men'. I'm the only female. . Put me in bad form all day. Why are people such cunts.

 

[Lico]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. It's selfish to admit, but I am relieved that ye have been through similar. Just so I'm not alone.
I have been working from home a lot, so have asked to be in office more regularly. I am trying to surround myself with nice people and keep myself busy.
Part of my problem is that I don't really have any friends or interests, so issues at work consume me more. So I am going to get out walking in a group.
I am stubborn, so really don't want to give them the satisfaction of leaving.

 

[Annie101]

You should not be looking for another job, when dealing with bullies in the workplace. When i think back to my younger self i took so much crap from people, but the perk from getting "more mature", is that you get that confidence and your body language and tone of voice basically relays that you are a person not to be messed with. They must be insecure about themselves around you - stand up for yourself and dont run away from the problem - you will always those kind of people in every workplace. Wishing you luck and love