“Doctor, doctor, Keir says I need to go to work! Quick, write me a fit note!”
“What for?”
“I have heavy periods for 3 days every month!”
“So you would like a fit note to cover these three days?”
“No, no, I want one that says I am unable to work ever and I want a hysterectomy.”
“Unfortunately you’re not eligible for either…”
“Yes I am! Google said I am! Don’t undermine me DARLING! I want to speak to a manager!”
“Well you can certainly ask for a second opinion, if you go to Reception you can book in with…”
“No! No I’m not doing that! I’m not doing that! I want a hysterectomy and a fit note NOW!”
“Miss Goodwin, I’m afraid I can’t do that. I can prescribe something to help with the bleeding and you can self-declare your short-term sickness at work when it’s really bad, but come back to me if it lasts more than 3 days? Unfortunately this is very common in women of your age.”
“No it’s not! It’s not! I’m anaemic from it as well!”
“Well, your last blood test results did show a slightly lower iron count than we prefer but certainly not anaemia. You’ve been on iron supplements a while now, that should have sorted itself by now. Let’s book you some bloods to check.”
“I don’t want bloods, I want a fit note! What about for my thyroid?”
“You don’t even meet the criteria for treatment for that I’m afraid, I can’t see how it would affect your working ability.”
“What about for mu ankle that broke 5 years ago then?”
(I am assuming here that she actually says “mu” out loud, since it appears so often it must be part of her actual vocabulary).
“Nope.”
“Migraines I had 34 years ago?”
“Nope.”
“Okay fine. What about for my
evening fatigue.”
“This is very common in 10 out of 10 of the population but most call it ‘tiredness’. It can be remedied by going to bed before it is literally the next day. Have you tried that yet? What’s your diet like? How much caffeine do you consume daily? Do you get any exercise?”
“How dare you! TORY PRICK! Who do you think you are? You’re a fascist! You can’t expect me to work! I have 14 year old twin babies and I haven’t even got my qualifications yet! Misogyny! I’m going to the police, this is a hate crime!”
