Escape into the Tea & Sympathy Support room.

Flairey · Jul 27, 2021

Louk said:
Hi, I need help. I'm not sure if I can write everything out properly as it's a public forum.

Essentially, I have a problem with a family member who is more than likely struggling with multiple undiagnosed mental illnesses.

I'm not medical, but more than likely autism (highly intelligent and educated), some kind of victim mentality - never this person's fault - but they are also superior to everyone else. They have a nasty, vindictive streak, will think nothing of taking "revenge" but also very mentally feeble, gullible and easily led by the nutters on the net (but can't see it). Maybe even some kind of psychopath?

I have been this person's victim my whole life, life at home revolved around keeping the peace with this person.

I spent some years with no contact which were happy and peaceful. Other (extended) family members admit to struggling, even over the phone. This person will call you up, then sit in silence, anything you do say will be repeated on FB but made to make them look like they are the victim (like Prince Harry but on steroids). They have no conversation besides "everyone else is stupid" no friends, no social life, nothing to chitchat about, nothing normal.

I have recently had the balls to clap back and point out this person's behaviour which did not go down well. They once again made out that it was someone else's fault.

I have no one to turn to, no way to figure out the truth. This person has a child but no one else besides me.

Do I stick around and have a fake relationship for their sake (it won't kill me to send a few messages or have awkward chats, even though that's never good enough) visits can be limited and they have never caused me physical harm, or cut all contact and live my life?

Part of me is irritated because I have suggested getting professional help, but this has been rejected (I kinda want to fix things and people all the time, probably from growing up this way). I would be more comfortable having a relationship with them if they were in therapy and helping themselves instead of listening to their bile.

Now, the question is, although it's nice to talk here, should I get some therapy for myself? Just to see how to handle the situation better (I can talk to some friends but it's very involved and I'm conscious of not boring people).

I can and will cut them out, but if they are not a psychopath, just struggling, the situation we are in would make that very heartless of me.

I would definately try and get some therapy for yourself. Don't worry about the other person, the only one who can fix them is them. Until they can see that maybe they are the issue then nothing anyone says or does will make a blind bit of difference.
If you can cut them out and go no contact do it, your mental and physical health is important. If you have concerns for the child make social services aware and you can step back with a clear conscience.
You don't need to be a punch bag for anyone, as you've discovered bringing them up on things does little except antagonise the situation and probably made you feel awful. If the behaviours were a new thing, I might try a bit longer, but as you've said it's been like it for a while then I would have no qualms about disconnecting from them.

This is something I relate too as I have a narcissistic mother (the narcissism is one of her more pleasant traits) no matter how hard you try nothing will change because the person involved doesn't take responsibility for their behaviour.

Take from this what you will, sending you big hugs, life with these people and behaviours is really difficult. Xx

Louk · Jul 27, 2021

Flairey said:
I would definately try and get some therapy for yourself. Don't worry about the other person, the only one who can fix them is them. Until they can see that maybe they are the issue then nothing anyone says or does will make a blind bit of difference.
If you can cut them out and go no contact do it, your mental and physical health is important. If you have concerns for the child make social services aware and you can step back with a clear conscience.
You don't need to be a punch bag for anyone, as you've discovered bringing them up on things does little except antagonise the situation and probably made you feel awful. If the behaviours were a new thing, I might try a bit longer, but as you've said it's been like it for a while then I would have no qualms about disconnecting from them.

This is something I relate too as I have a narcissistic mother (the narcissism is one of her more pleasant traits) no matter how hard you try nothing will change because the person involved doesn't take responsibility for their behaviour.

Take from this what you will, sending you big hugs, life with these people and behaviours is really difficult. Xx

Thanks, I'm going home in a few days so I'm going to show the messages to an old family friend who can help with my memory (which is being twisted) & also another friend who is very kind and diplomatic. This will be great to gossip about and have them be horrified, but that's all they can do and I'm conscious not to bother my friends too much. I definitely think I need therapy to get a strategy for dealing with them. I'd like to get a meeting with a psychologist to almost get them a diagnosis (sort of) and have a clue what I'm up against. I really wish I could spill ALL the tea but I'm conscious that this is a totally public forum and my comments are permanent - even though it feels like a nice cozy room of friends.

turkeydinosaurs · Jul 27, 2021

Louk said:
Thanks, I'm going home in a few days so I'm going to show the messages to an old family friend who can help with my memory (which is being twisted) & also another friend who is very kind and diplomatic. This will be great to gossip about and have them be horrified, but that's all they can do and I'm conscious not to bother my friends too much. I definitely think I need therapy to get a strategy for dealing with them. I'd like to get a meeting with a psychologist to almost get them a diagnosis (sort of) and have a clue what I'm up against. I really wish I could spill ALL the tea but I'm conscious that this is a totally public forum and my comments are permanent - even though it feels like a nice cozy room of friends.

Take care of yourself x

Flairey · Jul 27, 2021

Chita said:
Hope today has gone better for you.

New dresses are all well and good but with all this lockdown comfort eating hardly anything will bloody fasten.
Ive gone up a size.

I am psyching myself up to doing something about it.
I will probably take as much time to sort it as the Royal Family are doing to sort out the traitorous Harry.

But I have to finish eating this toasted fruit teacake with butter first.

Just one size? I've gone from a 10 to a 16.

I am however Sat eating a slab of dairy milk because I fukin can and I'm bloody loving it. I make hubby cakes and then eat them, he just has the crumbs. If he had anything about him he'd eat a wedge straight away. But no, always wants to save it. No sympathy for him when he goes to the tin and its empty. You snooze you loose!
In all seriousness I really need to sort myself out ...
Maybe Monday? Can't possibly start a diet on any other day bow can you?

On a different note, I've neglected my blog for well over a year, so I'm contemplating restarting it. I love writing, although it's nothing special, but it's now finding the time to do it... too many projects on the go at once ... anyone else start something then get sidetracked half way through then promptly forget about it? Pft.

Nuttynana said:
Yes it scared the shit out of me the other day I thought it was Halloween

I was told that after lockdown you are either a hunk, a chunk or a drunk, I am a chunk or a squat arse old tart.

Me and you both @Nuttynana

Cassandra333 said:
Hi Everyone, I'm just going to lurk for a bit. I'm triggered so I have to withdraw and concentrate on getting out of it. I've got a whole day of 'My Kitchen Rules' lined up, I'm going to sit on the sofa and not do a thing. If that doesn't work, I'll move on to stage Two.
I've got lots of tips for getting out of the horrible moods but I'll type them out in a couple of days. It's taken me half an hour to type this...ridiculous. Back soon

Hugs to you @Cassandra333 hope you're back on top form soon. Xx

Mrsoh said:
I have some good news, although it's not for me as my weekends will be busier as well as working, but my son has been picked to play for our local football team, will be under 16's when he goes back, only problem is away games as his sister also plays on a Saturday.

My 13 year old loves dinners like that

Hey that's brilliant news, sport is the absolute best thing ever for kids. They learn so much from it. X

Louk said:
I swear to God my gay friend once said "your baps and growler"

Yep I have a growler here too.

freda19 · Jul 28, 2021

Chita said:
Ive been a norty girl today.
I bought a bar of the new Cadbury's Caramilk.
Its a bit like Green and Black's white chocolate.
I have 2 voices in my head chattering.
One is saying, "join a gym and go to weightwatchers you big piglet."
The other is saying, "try this new chocolate bar"

Tell that gym bunny freak to fuck off. Chocolate is life.

YeltsinsTank · Jul 28, 2021

Chita said:
Ive been a norty girl today.
I bought a bar of the new Cadbury's Caramilk.
Its a bit like Green and Black's white chocolate.
I have 2 voices in my head chattering.
One is saying, "join a gym and go to weightwatchers you big piglet."
The other is saying, "try this new chocolate bar"

Went looking for these here in the US and it's $23 for one bar! The outrage!

Pom Bear · Jul 28, 2021

I'm on page 5

A Pom pic April last year for the covid thread..Boris Johnson wrapped in clingfilm .
I'm not political in any way but the faces he pulls do make me laugh.

Hope it makes you all smile Love Pom

Summer house · Jul 28, 2021

I have been awake most of the night because of the heat. Thankfully its getting cooler now.
I am so happy I could cry that I have found this page. I need this page in my life.
I'm very insecure and have very low self esteem and feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. I don't want to say why right now as it would take all morning. Its great to know this page is here as the thought of speaking to people in person terrifies me. I feel more comfortable speaking on here anonymously.
It took me nearly 1 hour to write this because I couldn't find the right words, that is how much my mind is racing at the moment. Hope it all makes sense.

Melian · Jul 28, 2021

kittenattack said:
Have you got long to wait until you go again?

Not been given a date yet. But originally told that due to covid it'll take some time.

Summer house · Jul 28, 2021

Summer house said:
I have been awake most of the night because of the heat. Thankfully its getting cooler now.
I am so happy I could cry that I have found this page. I need this page in my life.
I'm very insecure and have very low self esteem and feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. I don't want to say why right now as it would take all morning. Its great to know this page is here as the thought of speaking to people in person terrifies me. I feel more comfortable speaking on here anonymously.
It took me nearly 1 hour to write this because I couldn't find the right words, that is how much my mind is racing at the moment. Hope it all makes sense.

I was trying to get back to sleep when I remembered I forgot to say something. I read most of the thread during the night and its comforting to know I'm not the only person feeling like that at the moment.

Chita · Jul 28, 2021

Louk said:
Thanks, I'm going home in a few days so I'm going to show the messages to an old family friend who can help with my memory (which is being twisted) & also another friend who is very kind and diplomatic. This will be great to gossip about and have them be horrified, but that's all they can do and I'm conscious not to bother my friends too much. I definitely think I need therapy to get a strategy for dealing with them. I'd like to get a meeting with a psychologist to almost get them a diagnosis (sort of) and have a clue what I'm up against. I really wish I could spill ALL the tea but I'm conscious that this is a totally public forum and my comments are permanent - even though it feels like a nice cozy room of friends.

Completely understand your wish for discretion.
That's why going to a professional psychologist is a good idea.
Professional advice plus confidentiality.

Then we are always here as an extra place to come and vent.

Good luck with it all.

freda19 said:
Tell that gym bunny freak to fuck off. Chocolate is life.

Absolutely.
Gym membership is twenty quid a month.
Thats a lot of chocolate money wasted.

YeltsinsTank said:
Went looking for these here in the US and it's $23 for one bar! The outrage!

Not worth it.
Not as nice as the old Caramac bars were and the Green and Black's white choc bar tastes better.

What you need is a Cadbury's Twirl - two small sticks of a Cadbury's flake dipped in choc.
Then you make a mug of frothy coffee and dip one of the Twirls into the froth and then put it in your mouth and let it all melt.
Repeat this action until all the Twirl is eaten.
Bloody gorgeous.
And going to a zumba class or sweating on an eliptical machine cannot compare.

Summer house said:
I have been awake most of the night because of the heat. Thankfully its getting cooler now.
I am so happy I could cry that I have found this page. I need this page in my life.
I'm very insecure and have very low self esteem and feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. I don't want to say why right now as it would take all morning. Its great to know this page is here as the thought of speaking to people in person terrifies me. I feel more comfortable speaking on here anonymously.
It took me nearly 1 hour to write this because I couldn't find the right words, that is how much my mind is racing at the moment. Hope it all makes sense.

It makes absolute sense.
And its great that you have joined in.
And dont be fooled by people with big personalities - thats often a front for people feeling just like you underneath.

You are not alone.
And there IS strength in numbers.

You mention not being able to sleep and we've discussed that a while ago, so there appear to be a lot of people suffering that too.

@Fredsnail mentioned some Apps that play soothing sounds to aid sleep and weirdly, the checkout lady who served me yesterday asked me if the heavy thunderstorms we'd had in the area the night before had woken me up.
They didn't. I sleep like a log mostly.

She said she likes the sound of storms and has an Alexa gadget that plays her the sounds of rain falling every night and it sends her to sleep.

So if any of our insomniacs have an Alexa, ask it to play you soothing sounds at bedtime.

I was given an Alexa Dot for Christmas.
Mainly it annoys me. And I don't trust it if it's kept switched on.
Ive disabled it's listen function but I still don't trust it.
And I didnt know it could do what the supermarket lady said it could do.
You learn something new every day.

spangly · Jul 28, 2021

Om nom...I tried one of those Cadbury caramilk bars the other day - I thought it was nice but quite sickly and like someone else said it did taste like the original caramac bars from childhood (not the odd thing they make today which is like licking plastic!)
I was disappointed the bar was so small, even though I wasn't that fussed about the actual taste

Anyway - inspired by this thread, I decided to try and eat more healthily yesterday - weighed my cereal and all! So far so good, I wasn't hungry last night, so fingers crossed I can give this a good go as I really need to lose 2 stone (probably closer to 3) but have set myself 1 stone in 2 months so it doesn't seem too difficult.

Well done to everyone that is managing to write down their troubles or even just talking about it for the first time. Sometimes that is the hardest part. I would wholeheartedly recommend CBT therapy if you have anxiety or depression. I have a multitude of different anxieties and have had approx 6 different sessions over the years for different things. My anxieties are quite intense and although I am not completely 'cured', the CBT has provided me with coping strategies that has really improved my quality of life. From being totally agoraphobic in 2006 and being too afraid to leave the house, I now manage to live a relatively normal life and run a fairly successful business. Just wanted to offer encouragement if you are thinking of therapy of some sort - it can never hurt to give it a go.

HairyWeeTerrier · Jul 28, 2021

turkeydinosaurs said:
Do you ever feel stuck. No motivation, tired, can’t be arsed. Adult life just seems hard. I’m 31. Feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I’m just tired. I’m sick of bills, my step mum has cancer and waiting on results to see how bad it is and if it’s spread etc. I’m tired of working hard on a shit salary. My friends are all on at least 10k above me. I don’t begrudge them, they work hard. But so do I.
Sorry I know it’s nothing compared to what some people deal with.

Doesn’t matter what others are going through, different people cope with different things. Sounds as if you have a lot on your shoulders. Have you spoken to a doctor, or been diagnosed ? Don’t struggle alone. You sound very low and as if you need to take the next step. Please don’t put it off.

Chita · Jul 28, 2021

spangly said:
Om nom...I tried one of those Cadbury caramilk bars the other day - I thought it was nice but quite sickly and like someone else said it did taste like the original caramac bars from childhood (not the odd thing they make today which is like licking plastic!)
I was disappointed the bar was so small, even though I wasn't that fussed about the actual taste

Anyway - inspired by this thread, I decided to try and eat more healthily yesterday - weighed my cereal and all! So far so good, I wasn't hungry last night, so fingers crossed I can give this a good go as I really need to lose 2 stone (probably closer to 3) but have set myself 1 stone in 2 months so it doesn't seem too difficult.

Well done to everyone that is managing to write down their troubles or even just talking about it for the first time. Sometimes that is the hardest part. I would wholeheartedly recommend CBT therapy if you have anxiety or depression. I have a multitude of different anxieties and have had approx 6 different sessions over the years for different things. My anxieties are quite intense and although I am not completely 'cured', the CBT has provided me with coping strategies that has really improved my quality of life. From being totally agoraphobic in 2006 and being too afraid to leave the house, I now manage to live a relatively normal life and run a fairly successful business. Just wanted to offer encouragement if you are thinking of therapy of some sort - it can never hurt to give it a go.

You are amazing spangly.
An inspiration.

People in the UK - what's the situation currently (covid) for someone who wants to talk to a GP in order to get help for their mental health struggles?

Is it difficult to get a GP appointment?
Is it better to call that 111 number?
Whats the nhs waiting list like for getting to see a psych or getting some cbt?

Someone very close to me is lower than low. Covid has trashed their way of earning a living, they are reluctant to go to a doctor, they feel all washed-up and as if their life is over.
Ive done all I can to keep them going but I cant MAKE them go to a GP
But if I know what the current situation is, it helps me to know what kind of hurdle they are up against.

When I had my own psych appointments it was in the 90s after I had a life changing accident. Took me 12 months to walk again and then the depsession clobbered me, but I got an instant referral to the psychologist because I was still attending hospital for my physical rehabilitation and pain control.
So I didnt wait.

And the help and advice I got then has served me well and I only get the occasional eeyore day myself.

So - has covid made it easier to get help or is it harder?

spangly · Jul 28, 2021

Thank You @Chita - I've never been called an inspiration before, lol! But I will gratefully take it!

With regards to getting help with mental health during Covid - I would say it has made it exceptionally harder but not impossible and things do seem to be easing a bit now (this is the experiences I've had with my Mum)

The CBT that I managed to get was through self referral (but recommended by my Doctor) - I don't know if there are similar schemes throughout the country but the one I used was:

Steps2Wellbeing: Welcome to NHS Talking Therapies Dorset and Southampton

Steps2Wellbeing is a free, NHS Talking Therapies service for adults over 18 years old in Dorset and Southampton City. The service is part of Dorset HealthCare, an NHS trust which specialises in...

www.steps2wellbeing.co.uk

The average waiting time for treatment was approx 5-6 months each time.

shazbev · Jul 28, 2021

Chita said:
You are amazing spangly.
An inspiration.

People in the UK - what's the situation currently (covid) for someone who wants to talk to a GP in order to get help for their mental health struggles?

Is it difficult to get a GP appointment?
Is it better to call that 111 number?
Whats the nhs waiting list like for getting to see a psych or getting some cbt?

Someone very close to me is lower than low. Covid has trashed their way of earning a living, they are reluctant to go to a doctor, they feel all washed-up and as if their life is over.
Ive done all I can to keep them going but I cant MAKE them go to a GP
But if I know what the current situation is, it helps me to know what kind of hurdle they are up against.

When I had my own psych appointments it was in the 90s after I had a life changing accident. Took me 12 months to walk again and then the depsession clobbered me, but I got an instant referral to the psychologist because I was still attending hospital for my physical rehabilitation and pain control.
So I didnt wait.

And the help and advice I got then has served me well and I only get the occasional eeyore day myself.

So - has covid made it easier to get help or is it harder?

I would say harder, I have an auto immune disease which took a nosedive thanks to Covid. I haven't physically seen my consultant or gp since Xmas 2019 . I became allergic to NSAIDs and have now been prescribed amitriptyline and codeine for pain relief. When I expressed concerns about addiction and codeine my gps response was( by telephone consultation) , that's ok we can wean you off it as and when. I was a bit horrified by this laissez-faire attitude at first but then I thought fuck it ! Just goes to show I'm not in the right frame of mind otherwise I would actively seek referral to a pain clinic and insist I be seen in a clinical setting...really, for me, it's just getting through each day in a daze. Sorry, I went a bit dark and feeling a bit sorry for myself there...it's just nice to offload on here with no judgement.

spangly · Jul 28, 2021

shazbev said:
I would say harder, I have an auto immune disease which took a nosedive thanks to Covid. I haven't physically seen my consultant or gp since Xmas 2019 . I became allergic to NSAIDs and have now been prescribed amitriptyline and codeine for pain relief. When I expressed concerns about addiction and codeine my gps response was( by telephone consultation) , that's ok we can wean you off it as and when. I was a bit horrified by this laissez-faire attitude at first but then I thought fuck it ! Just goes to show I'm not in the right frame of mind otherwise I would actively seek referral to a pain clinic and insist I be seen in a clinical setting...really, for me, it's just getting through each day in a daze. Sorry, I went a bit dark and feeling a bit sorry for myself there...it's just nice to offload on here with no judgement.

Sorry to hear that your condition has worsened during Covid @shazbev - I think it's really bad that GP's aren't at least seeing patients with long term conditions, that need constant monitoring, face to face. It does feel a bit like we need to be grateful for any kind of medical morsel they throw our way at the moment. I know it's been difficult but people still aren't getting the right treatment and that has scary repercussions for the not so distant future. ( I question every day whether my dad would still be here had he been able to get a face to face appointment when he first asked to see a doctor instead they prescribed him antibiotics over the phone and left him to it)

shazbev · Jul 28, 2021

Thank you @spangly ...it's heartbreaking isn't it ? Much as Covid has devastated families, there are going to be many more whose health will be compromised for years to come whist the NHS tries to unpick the problems caused by lack of attention and proper treatment for both physical and emotional illnesses .

Chita · Jul 28, 2021

spangly said:
Thank You @Chita - I've never been called an inspiration before, lol! But I will gratefully take it!

With regards to getting help with mental health during Covid - I would say it has made it exceptionally harder but not impossible and things do seem to be easing a bit now (this is the experiences I've had with my Mum)

The CBT that I managed to get was through self referral (but recommended by my Doctor) - I don't know if there are similar schemes throughout the country but the one I used was:

Steps2Wellbeing: Welcome to NHS Talking Therapies Dorset and Southampton

Steps2Wellbeing is a free, NHS Talking Therapies service for adults over 18 years old in Dorset and Southampton City. The service is part of Dorset HealthCare, an NHS trust which specialises in...

www.steps2wellbeing.co.uk

The average waiting time for treatment was approx 5-6 months each time.

That link is just for your area spangly, but I googled "wellbeing self referral" and my county and there is something similar. Its called "lets talk"
So it looks like it might be UK wide but with different names.

shazbev said:
Thank you @spangly ...it's heartbreaking isn't it ? Much as Covid has devastated families, there are going to be many more whose health will be compromised for years to come whist the NHS tries to unpick the problems caused by lack of attention and proper treatment for both physical and emotional illnesses .

I said from day one that there would be a mental health crisis and there is.

My worry is those suffering alone and frightened because they think they have gone mad and they think their life is over.

They havent and it isnt.

Damita · Jul 28, 2021

My neighbour is doing DIY again and I cannot believe it.

They did a huge project that went on for months at the beginning of the year and I actually got quite ill from the stress of the constant noise, which was the loudest hammering and banging you've ever heard and wasn't even possible to drown out with noise cancelling headphones. It was absolutely relentless and he does at least one big project like this every year.

When he's not doing big projects there is, quite often, lots of DIY noises here and there for whatever else he finds to work on as he goes about his life.

I can't fathom what could possibly need work done to it this time and as soon as it started my heart just sank.

I've already lived in a flat above someone else who was really into DIY and I thought that was bad but he had nothing on this guy. Who has sometimes started before 7am and gone on beyond 10pm. The council are totally useless so I reporting it will be a total waste of time.

Need hugs if anyone has some going spare please.

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