Let me tell you what I have to live with.
I was 14 when a man in his mid 40's groomed me. I'd have considered myself very intelligent.
I was bullied at the time, so had no friends, no one to confide in. I was played like a violin to believe that someone genuinely cared for me.
I didn't want to do any of the sex stuff, which I know know was abuse, but I did it because I was so afraid of what would happen if I didn't.
He never threatened me, he didn't have to. I knew enough to be afraid.
It did come out what was happening, he was jailed, but once it came out I put it in a box in my head.
The box was always there.
With every dysfunctional relationship that followed, the box was there.
I finally, 10 years later, got counselling.
No one had told me I was abused, until then.
All I could think was it was my own fault.
Because I kept returning, so I must have liked it.
I didn't, but sure, as you have clearly said in your post, why go back after the first time???
Within the last 20 years I've made several attempts on my life.
I bear physical scars from where I've harmed myself, because I needed to see actual physical damage to be able to say to myself "now you can cry, now you have a "reason" To feel so disgusting, so ugly, so broken, because now your skin is.
I will never ever hold a full time job again.
I am not able for it mentally.
I'm medicated for the last 10 years.
I had dreams
I had wishes.
I had hopes.
Yes overall my life is good now, but it is not the life I dreamed of.
I will never do the job I dreamed of, help the people I wanted to help.
I will never be a functioning member of society.
He got 3 years.
I got life.
I am now in my mid 30's