Earning more than your partner

[Blahblahahaaa77]

So, I am really fortunate to have an amazing job, I get to travel the world and my pay means that I have a really nice handbag and shoe collection .

But, my boyfriend doesn’t. I love him to pieces but it’s wearing really thin. He recently stopped going to work as he just couldn’t be bothered anymore, he’s been fired from two other jobs in the past year due to calling in sick all of the time.

Last month he asked to borrow £100 to pay his electricity bill and promised he’d pay me back, I kinda knew that he wouldn’t and no surprises he didn’t. We then went out for dinner and the bill came to £70, he paid when I went to the toilet and when we were in the car in asked me to transfer him £35. I wouldn’t usually mind but he’d asked me to go and he drank 2 glasses of wine and I had a lemonade as I had to drive (he doesn’t drive).

We’re going on holiday tomorrow and I’ve paid for everything … he’s just told me he doesn’t have a suitcase as he ‘lost it’ so he’s going to use a Bag for Life and this has tipped me over the edge!

Do I need to just to come to terms with the fact this is my life now?

I can’t really leave him as we’re having a baby

 

[101d]

Maybe have a word... It does seem like he's taking the piss.

Do you live together?

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

Get rid now , once you have your baby it will only get worse. Unless you're happy to get back to work and let him stay at home and be the main caregiver and you the sole earner then leave him. How does he expect to provide for a child when he can't be bothered to work, you would be better off on your own.

 

[Blahblahahaaa77]

We don’t live together at the moment but we’re looking … with his budget we’d be living in a student squat so I think I’m going to have to end up paying for us to live somewhere nice.

I feel like an awful person but I’m tempted to get an abortion and take my work up on the offer to relocate to the Singapore office. But I do think now is the right time to be a mum! Such a crappy situation!

 

[Clickbait]

Did he seem driven or ambitious when you met him? What attracted you to him in the first place? Is he suffering from some kind of mental health issues like depression or anxiety that is causing him to call in sick? All of that may need looking into.

The fact that you decided to have a baby with him despite all of this makes me think you’re not that concerned about it and just want a rant which is fine - we all need those from time to time.

You are now tied to him for life. If he doesn’t get another job will he be a stay-at-home dad so that you can resume your job travelling away and providing for the baby? No judgement on that - a lot of men have to accept jobs that take them away from their children in order to support them. Or perhaps you are considering a different job closer to home? If you couldn’t work do you have someone other than him who could help support you financially/any savings (aside from the hand bags and shoes?)

Possibly worth considering the financial future and having a frank discussion about it. Hopefully the child will be enough to make him realise that he may need help and/or needs to buckle down to help support and provide for you both.

 

[roarke]

This situation is fine if you’re both open about financial situations. If he’s offering to pay for things then asking for money to pay his bills then you need to have an open and frank conversation about it.

If it’s a consideration that he’ll stay home and look after your child when it’s born then that could work out well for you, but the fact you’re considering abortion and leaving him says a lot.

Give him an ultimatum. Life is too short to worry about other people’s feelings when you know something isn’t right.

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

We don’t live together at the moment but we’re looking … with his budget we’d be living in a student squat so I think I’m going to have to end up paying for us to live somewhere nice.

I feel like an awful person but I’m tempted to get an abortion and take my work up on the offer to relocate to the Singapore office. But I do think now is the right time to be a mum! Such a crappy situation!

If you're not ready to be a mum, let alone a single mum with a useless baby daddy then consider it as an option. I was in a similar situation in my early 20s, I dumped the guy, had the abortion and moved to London. I am now settled down and married and had my first baby at 32 to the most wonderful generous partner and still having a baby brought its challenges even though we were solid in our relationship and finances. I am glad I waited.

 

[ot55]

I think earning more than your partner isn’t a problem, so long as they pay their way. But in this case you’re not just earning more than him, you’re starting to pay for everything. I don’t think it helps that his reasoning for not working is because he can’t be bothered, it’s not like he’s been made redundant due to covid and is desperately trying to find something else.

I have a colleague like this and she pays for everything because her husband blows all his money on virtual gaming credits. They’ll go out for dinner, he’ll order a £60 steak, she’ll eat cheap but still pays for the entire bill. It’s a total piss take! Similarly when they went on holiday to America, he’d only saved $50 to cover two weeks of food, drink and spending money…so she paid for everything. I find it crazy. But ultimately he keeps doing it and won’t change because he doesn’t face any consequences.

Why should you pay for everything just because he can’t be bothered to work? Especially if you’re having a child together, is he expecting you to fund the nappies, the clothes, the pram, the cot etc.

I’m sure a lot of people cba to work and would rather have lots of leisure time, but that’s life!

If it were me, I’d expect him to look for a job or I would get rid. He’s being selfish.

 

[Lulu Goss]

I think it’s fine to pay for things from time to time but if he’s quit his job and isn’t looking for a new one, I’d have to have a conversation and tell him to get his arse in gear.

The fact that you’re having a baby together means he needs to be contributing! I earn more than my partner, we have a mortgage together and a baby on the way and although I do pay a little bit more into things than he does, he still contributes his fair share.

Paying for dinners and holidays is one thing but if you’re going to end up paying for everything for your baby too I expect it’ll wear thin very quickly.

 

[grumpycat]

I also earn more than my husband so sometimes and often I pay for things more as I have more disposable income but in no way would my husband refuse to pay for something or not do his own share.
We pay the same for bills but our car finance is ‘my car’ so essentially I’ll pay for it and sometimes he throws some money towards it but I don’t rely or count on it (I use it so it’s my cost IYWIM) but if he refused to pay for food shopping etc then it’s a different thing.

You definitely need to sit down and have a conversation. How will maternity change your pay? Some people are crappy with money but when you have a baby coming into the world he can’t be expected to rely on you for basic things like electricity - has his motivation and drive gone for a reason? It’s not really alright for him to decide not to work and you sort the rest - what would happen if you did that to him?

 

[Welshgal]

Sorry to say but he sounds like a tosser. He can‘t be bothered to work?! Think a lot of us feel fed up with work sometime but as adults that‘s just how life is.
May I ask how old he is? And does he hold some sort of degree or other qualification?

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I keep thinking this thread says eating more than your partner.

You would cope just fine as a single parent.. I have brought my daughter up without her dad since day 1.
I’m assuming he’s provided nothing towards the cost of baby items? He will only be more of a burden that you don’t need once the baby is here and I guarantee you won’t be able to stand him..!

If you love him you need to be ridiculously firm with him and get him to sort his life out or duck off.

We don’t live together at the moment but we’re looking … with his budget we’d be living in a student squat so I think I’m going to have to end up paying for us to live somewhere nice.

I feel like an awful person but I’m tempted to get an abortion and take my work up on the offer to relocate to the Singapore office. But I do think now is the right time to be a mum! Such a crappy situation!

If you want an abortion then go for it. I’d never have knowingly been a single parent.

 

[Raininvain]

We don’t live together at the moment but we’re looking … with his budget we’d be living in a student squat so I think I’m going to have to end up paying for us to live somewhere nice.

I feel like an awful person but I’m tempted to get an abortion and take my work up on the offer to relocate to the Singapore office. But I do think now is the right time to be a mum! Such a crappy situation!

If it was me I'd pay for some counselling around the whole situation to help you decide what you really want to do. I really wouldn't want to be stuck with him, so he would be gone but the issues around the baby are more difficult I think. I think he sounds like a waste of space and a loser sorry. Of course you can leave him, just because you are having a baby doesn't stop you moving on from him.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

As others have said, you earning more than him isn’t an issue really, this is 2021 and we all live differently now.

The issue really is his lack of drive and motivation, his get up and go has gotten up and gone by the sounds of it. Has he always been like this? Could it be a health problem, a mental health problem or is he just bone idle and a freeloader?

If it’s the latter then that relationship wouldn’t be for me. I’d love my partner whether he was a rocket scientist or a cleaner, whether he earned ££££ or £, as long as he was working hard at his job and wanting to succeed in it, that’s all that would matter to me, but from the sounds of it, your partner isn’t like that.

I think I’d have to become a single parent and bring the baby up alone, what type of dad will he be if he’s this lazy and what kind of father figure is he?

 

[justheretoread99]

I feel like an awful person but I’m tempted to get an abortion and take my work up on the offer to relocate to the Singapore office. But I do think now is the right time to be a mum! Such a crappy situation!

Oh OP sending you love.
I hope you have support in real life with this one.

Regarding his job/work situation can he not be bothered to work from laziness or could he be suffering with mental illness?

Men are less likely to open up about their feelings and signs of depression and other MH issues can be not going to work, calling in sick a lot etc. So could be something more that meets the surface here.

Only you can make the decision regarding staying in the relationship and keeping the baby. But before that have a proper serious sit down discussion with him. Tell him everything you feel.

 

[Satisfying Click]

The fact that you earn more isn't the issue here, it's that your value systems towards money are incompatible. With a baby on the way, he thinks his feet are under the table and he'll continue to syphon from you like a parasite. The saving grace is that you're not married, legally, your things and money remain your own.

As others have said, has he always been like this? If not, he needs to kick himself up the arse and get help, it's not just about him anymore if you plan on continuing with your pregnancy. If so, and you keep the baby then you're tied to this man for life, just don't expect much in the way of financial contributions not only if you split, but at all. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

The fact that you earn more isn't the issue here, it's that your value systems towards money are incompatible. With a baby on the way, he thinks his feet are under the table and he'll continue to syphon from you like a parasite. The saving grace is that you're not married, legally, your things and money remain your own.

As others have said, has he always been like this? If not, he needs to kick himself up the arse and get help, it's not just about him anymore if you plan on continuing with your pregnancy. If so, and you keep the baby then you're tied to this man for life, just don't expect much in the way of financial contributions not only if you split, but at all. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Agree. This has nothing to do with how much you earn.

can I ask, how old are you both? And how long have you been together for? And how far along in the pregnancy are you and did you plan to have a child together?

 

[Blahblahahaaa77]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it!!

I’m 31 and he’s 34 … so we are both very stupid for getting ourselves into this position!

He was originally going to uni when we met, was full of optimism and the money thing wasn’t an issue as I (naively) assumed he would stick at it and get a job but he dropped out. He has been to the drs last week and is going to start counselling which I really hope helps him. If I’m honest, I have no idea if he really needs help or is just being lazy at this point. He interviewed for a new job last week and told me he’d got it then all of a sudden yesterday he said they’ve told him he’s over qualified and now they’ve pulled the offer … even writing that down makes me lol .. why is he lying?

In terms of the baby, it’s so hard. I think in my headI keep trying to stay positive and hoping that he’d buck his ideas up but as every day/week passes it’s looking less and less likely.

Thanks for listening to me ranting on! I think I need to make some big decisions very quickly!

 

[crossroads]

A Bag For Life? This is a troll post, right?

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Skimmed through but its not that you earn more - its that he is disrespecting you. It'll be worse with a baby.

Put yourself first.