Earning more than your partner

[Blahblahahaaa77]

So… we had the chat and it didn’t go very well . Last week I’d asked him to stop smoking when I was around him as I’m a smoker too and I’m finding it really hard, he replied with ‘you can’t tell me what to do you fucking knobhead’ so when I went to his tonight he lit a cigerette within 10 mins and then had another one ten mins later and I just saw red. I asked him about getting a job and just said that he hadn’t tried today as he’d spent the whole day making me dinner and I didn’t seem at all grateful , it was a stew that definitely didn’t take all day! I tried to ask how he thought we were going to manage in the future.. he said I’m just being moody and miserable because he thinks I miss cigerettes … wtf .

So, I left and I’m going on the holiday on my own minus the Bag for Life! Thanks for everyone’s support! You’re all so right… writing it all down makes me realise how ridiculous this situation is.

 

[Holidaybobs]

I misread this thread as ‘eating more than your partner’ and thought, yes I’ve found my people

 

[Blahblahahaaa77]

So, I am really fortunate to have an amazing job, I get to travel the world and my pay means that I have a really nice handbag and shoe collection .

But, my boyfriend doesn’t. I love him to pieces but it’s wearing really thin. He recently stopped going to work as he just couldn’t be bothered anymore, he’s been fired from two other jobs in the past year due to calling in sick all of the time.

Last month he asked to borrow £100 to pay his electricity bill and promised he’d pay me back, I kinda knew that he wouldn’t and no surprises he didn’t. We then went out for dinner and the bill came to £70, he paid when I went to the toilet and when we were in the car in asked me to transfer him £35. I wouldn’t usually mind but he’d asked me to go and he drank 2 glasses of wine and I had a lemonade as I had to drive (he doesn’t drive).

We’re going on holiday tomorrow and I’ve paid for everything … he’s just told me he doesn’t have a suitcase as he ‘lost it’ so he’s going to use a Bag for Life and this has tipped me over the edge!

Do I need to just to come to terms with the fact this is my life now?

I can’t really leave him as we’re having a baby

 

[Blahblahahaaa77]

We don’t live together at the moment but we’re looking … with his budget we’d be living in a student squat so I think I’m going to have to end up paying for us to live somewhere nice.

I feel like an awful person but I’m tempted to get an abortion and take my work up on the offer to relocate to the Singapore office. But I do think now is the right time to be a mum! Such a shitty situation!

 

[Blahblahahaaa77]

A Bag For Life? This is a troll post, right?

I wish

 

[BettyCrockerr]

He’s 34……

no. I’m sorry but no. Don’t have a child with this guy, he sounds like a manchild.

get out of this and find yourself a mature, responsible grown up who can and is willing to behave like an adult.

ETA: you need to completely stop financially supporting him. He’s just taking the piss out of you.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Omg, whatever you do do NOT start paying rent for this guy! He’s taking you for an absolute ride, who even cares if he had good intentions when you got together, he certainly doesn’t now. I would never say to someone ‘just get an abortion’ but as you yourself raised it as an option…if you’re not 100% sure, then remember that having a baby is the biggest commitment you can ever make to another person. You will be tied together for life. If you want to move abroad, bear in mind that he can apply to the family court to stop you from doing this because of the child, and he will have the right to bring those proceedings forever. I would get out ASAP personally.

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

We don’t live together at the moment but we’re looking … with his budget we’d be living in a student squat so I think I’m going to have to end up paying for us to live somewhere nice.

I feel like an awful person but I’m tempted to get an abortion and take my work up on the offer to relocate to the Singapore office. But I do think now is the right time to be a mum! Such a shitty situation!

If you're not ready to be a mum, let alone a single mum with a useless baby daddy then consider it as an option. I was in a similar situation in my early 20s, I dumped the guy, had the abortion and moved to London. I am now settled down and married and had my first baby at 32 to the most wonderful generous partner and still having a baby brought its challenges even though we were solid in our relationship and finances. I am glad I waited.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

So… we had the chat and it didn’t go very well . Last week I’d asked him to stop smoking when I was around him as I’m a smoker too and I’m finding it really hard, he replied with ‘you can’t tell me what to do you fucking knobhead’ so when I went to his tonight he lit a cigerette within 10 mins and then had another one ten mins later and I just saw red. I asked him about getting a job and just said that he hadn’t tried today as he’d spent the whole day making me dinner and I didn’t seem at all grateful , it was a stew that definitely didn’t take all day! I tried to ask how he thought we were going to manage in the future.. he said I’m just being moody and miserable because he thinks I miss cigerettes … wtf .

So, I left and I’m going on the holiday on my own minus the Bag for Life! Thanks for everyone’s support! You’re all so right… writing it all down makes me realise how ridiculous this situation is.

I’m going to be blunt here.
This relationship is going absolutely nowhere. He’s a lazy, childish waste of space and im afraid it looks like he’s with you simply to use you as a human ATM. They way he has spoken to you tonight is completely out of line and his behaviour regarding the smoking just shows a lack of respect for you as his partner and as the woman carrying his unborn child.
I can’t tell you what to do regarding your pregnancy but be under absolutely no illusion here - he doesn’t care a damn about either one of you and he will be gone long before that child is born if you do decide to have the baby.
my honest advice? Get rid of him, start a fresh and move on with your own life. He’s a waste of space.

So… we had the chat and it didn’t go very well . Last week I’d asked him to stop smoking when I was around him as I’m a smoker too and I’m finding it really hard, he replied with ‘you can’t tell me what to do you fucking knobhead’ so when I went to his tonight he lit a cigerette within 10 mins and then had another one ten mins later and I just saw red. I asked him about getting a job and just said that he hadn’t tried today as he’d spent the whole day making me dinner and I didn’t seem at all grateful , it was a stew that definitely didn’t take all day! I tried to ask how he thought we were going to manage in the future.. he said I’m just being moody and miserable because he thinks I miss cigerettes … wtf .

So, I left and I’m going on the holiday on my own minus the Bag for Life! Thanks for everyone’s support! You’re all so right… writing it all down makes me realise how ridiculous this situation is.

He expects you to be grateful for a meal he threw together with food YOU paid for, in a house YOU pay for, with electric/gas YOU pay for….!! He’s an idiot!
who’s paying for the cigarettes he’s smoking?

get Rid of him.

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

Get rid now , once you have your baby it will only get worse. Unless you're happy to get back to work and let him stay at home and be the main caregiver and you the sole earner then leave him. How does he expect to provide for a child when he can't be bothered to work, you would be better off on your own.

 

[Rocknrolla]

Wow how he hasn’t already given you the massive Ick I’ll never know

 

[Satisfying Click]

The fact that you earn more isn't the issue here, it's that your value systems towards money are incompatible. With a baby on the way, he thinks his feet are under the table and he'll continue to syphon from you like a parasite. The saving grace is that you're not married, legally, your things and money remain your own.

As others have said, has he always been like this? If not, he needs to kick himself up the arse and get help, it's not just about him anymore if you plan on continuing with your pregnancy. If so, and you keep the baby then you're tied to this man for life, just don't expect much in the way of financial contributions not only if you split, but at all. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

[Welshgal]

Sorry to say but he sounds like a tosser. He can‘t be bothered to work?! Think a lot of us feel fed up with work sometime but as adults that‘s just how life is.
May I ask how old he is? And does he hold some sort of degree or other qualification?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I don’t think you can expect your partner to care about having a lavish lifestyle - not everybody cares about designer and if that bothers you then maybe he isn’t the partner for you

However, that aside I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about his lack of ambition in life, especially considering you have a baby on the way. You probably should’ve addressed this before having a baby with him and before it got to the stage where he’s quitting work because he “can’t be bothered” and getting fired because he’s always calling in sick. Maybe there’s something deeper going on? Like depression? Why would you book a holiday with him knowing you’d have to pay for everything but then being unhappy you’ve had to pay for everything? Surely you should’ve told him to pay for half upfront and then if he didn’t refuse to go? I think you’ve let him behave like this for far too long which will make it harder to resolve. And maybe he shouldn’t be wasting his money on cigarettes and champagne but rather supporting your child (I had a nosey at your other posts)

I think this guy is just taking the piss personally. She’s seemingly been just paying out for everything, he’s a lazy man child who is happy to just sponge off her and behave like a teenager. I’ll bet that the second she cuts him off financially, he will be off like a rocket.

 

[Notgonnalie]

Wowwww

nothing wrong with one person earning more than the other , usually one person ina relationship earns more than the other.

everyone has issues we’d be lying if we said we didn’t. The alarm bells for me are his lack of willingness to work, provide and pay his own way in life. If you’re pregnant now and he’s not making moves to secure a financial stability for your family then you need to consider all your options and what your willing to tolerate. It might not bother you him not working, staying at home to look after baby etc however it might really bother you.

I think you need to sit down with him and explain all your expectations and ask him what his are too, meet somewhere in the middle and take it from there. Know your worth and don’t settle for any less!

I’ve a dear friend who was in a similar situation. She is hugely successful in her career she earns over 70k a year, she had a mortgage and car etc before she met her partner. When she met him he worked In a minimum wage job but turned up none the less and paid his way etc once he moved in with her he started taking a lot of sick days. She got pregnant had the baby and he quit his job while she was on maternity! He told her he was gonna go self employed so she bought him all the equipment he needed and it’s just sat there! She also paid for him to learn to drive and a first car. He then started drinking really heavily so she didn’t want to leave baby with him when she returned to work so she paid nursery fees, he then wanted to surprise her so he used her bank card to book them a holiday over her baby’s first birthday WITHOUT THE BABY!!! The holiday cost £4K!!! He didn’t even ask her he just done it. I’m telling you this story so you can see why it’s important to lay down firm boundaries

 

[crossroads]

A Bag For Life? This is a troll post, right?

 

[a.pain]

I think in loving, respectful relationships you can share what you have and have no resentment or feeling of inequality. I earn double what my OH does and both our wages go into our joint account which pays for everything including our child/bills/food etc, if we want to buy something for ourselves we either purchase it straight from there or move some money into our personal accounts. No one needs permission and neither of us take the piss with big purchases without discussing it first. It just works and I certainly don’t feel I’m entitled to more because I earn more. This does not sound like one of these situations, he sounds like an asshole. It doesn’t sound like he respects you at all.

 

[Notgonnalie]

Wow how he hasn’t already given you the massive Ick I’ll never know

In fairness I think when you’re in the situation you’re almost blind to how bad it really is it’s only when you take a step back and talk about it to someone else you realise wow It really is bad!!

 

[ot55]

I think earning more than your partner isn’t a problem, so long as they pay their way. But in this case you’re not just earning more than him, you’re starting to pay for everything. I don’t think it helps that his reasoning for not working is because he can’t be bothered, it’s not like he’s been made redundant due to covid and is desperately trying to find something else.

I have a colleague like this and she pays for everything because her husband blows all his money on virtual gaming credits. They’ll go out for dinner, he’ll order a £60 steak, she’ll eat cheap but still pays for the entire bill. It’s a total piss take! Similarly when they went on holiday to America, he’d only saved $50 to cover two weeks of food, drink and spending money…so she paid for everything. I find it crazy. But ultimately he keeps doing it and won’t change because he doesn’t face any consequences.

Why should you pay for everything just because he can’t be bothered to work? Especially if you’re having a child together, is he expecting you to fund the nappies, the clothes, the pram, the cot etc.

I’m sure a lot of people cba to work and would rather have lots of leisure time, but that’s life!

If it were me, I’d expect him to look for a job or I would get rid. He’s being selfish.

 

[Blahblahahaaa77]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it!!

I’m 31 and he’s 34 … so we are both very stupid for getting ourselves into this position!

He was originally going to uni when we met, was full of optimism and the money thing wasn’t an issue as I (naively) assumed he would stick at it and get a job but he dropped out. He has been to the drs last week and is going to start counselling which I really hope helps him. If I’m honest, I have no idea if he really needs help or is just being lazy at this point. He interviewed for a new job last week and told me he’d got it then all of a sudden yesterday he said they’ve told him he’s over qualified and now they’ve pulled the offer … even writing that down makes me lol .. why is he lying?

In terms of the baby, it’s so hard. I think in my headI keep trying to stay positive and hoping that he’d buck his ideas up but as every day/week passes it’s looking less and less likely.

Thanks for listening to me ranting on! I think I need to make some big decisions very quickly!