This is a tricky one. In a relationship (and a friendship come to think of it) it’s difficult to get that right. If you spouse expresses a dislike of their weight and a wanting to change... is it right to say ‘I love you just as you are’ or is it better so say ‘yes that would be a real positive change for you’. Either way could be interpreted as saying the wrong thing in that instance. (Not justifying OP’s bloke - he seems like a fool) but generally it’s hard to know the best way of showing support to those you love.
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I agree, it's tricky. Some people are just well intentioned. I don't think this guy is well intentioned at all, based on all the factors put together, but in a different context somebody could mean well and say those things.
Earlier in this thread, somebody posted a link to an article that said: '7 signs you're being manipulated' or something like that. Well, I have 4 of the 7 seven signs. The last 4 that they mentioned. I compliment people, I try to make people feel better about themselves, etc. That's my core character, I'm a supporter. I'm only blunt if I feel like the situation calls for it.
I think non-verbal cues are just as significant as the obvious verbal ones to form an overall picture (gut feeling, little subtleties, how you feel in that person's presence, how they relate to your family and friends, has your life/ well being improved or regressed since having that person in your life, etc). You can't just say that somebody tried to make you feel better so they must be manipulating you. If that's the case then I'm a happily a manipulator.
This is the thing, he always supported me in everything I've ever wanted to do. He knew my insecurities and always said 'you should only ever change for you and nobody else' and that if I was unhappy then he would support me however much he could in terms of weightloss. Also, I have suffered with my mental health over the last few years and whilst he was always there to talk to, he also encouraged me to speak to others such as women aid in regards to the abusive side of my past relationship and my GP so it was never about only him being there for me.
Do you know what I dont think they ever do hardly want to know the truth though. Years ago when I was living in london before I met my husband I was seeing a guy for about a year he told me he was single and we where always together constantly paying for us in posh hotels etc a real charmer and we went on long weekends away etc.i found out he was married and had two very young children. A few months later after winning him off and after much soul searching messaged his wife via instagram. I just kept thinking oh my god I would want to know !! She didnt reply but duly took her instagram off private and started to post photos like they wjere loves young dream , very strange ! I politely told her what happened and said look if you need evidence you can have it if you dont you wont hear from me again ! I only find out as I was contacted by his 'girlfriend' that thought I was his wife !! What a very busy boy !!
Was the wife's name Coleen Rooney?
Haha no but I very infrequently check and she is always posting what he has bought her etc. She is crazy but well if tahts the life she has chosen.. he has a lot of money so I guess she turns a blind eye etcWas the wife's name Coleen Rooney?
No of course I absolutely agree and don’t want to imply everyone positive has ulterior motives. I’d be one of them if so. I was oversimplifying to keep it brief. Every situation should be taken individually. But in examples like ‘You don’t need to drive’ and ‘you don’t need a therapist because you can talk to me’ arguably things that if a person expressed an interest in, there’s no good reason not to pursue.
It’s taking everything all together. People aren’t all keeping you down but it’s worth looking at if the other cues suggest it.
Ideally it’d be ‘you really look great the way you are but if it’ll make you feel better, go for it, I’ll support you however I can’
OP This guy seems very untrustworthy I do believe some people simply do settle of someone when they have house together but still who would want that ? Feel pity for his other half and you don't have to be involved with such toxic people. I hope things go well for you in the future whatever you decided to do 
You know, everyone has a little good and a little bad in them. He supported you, yes, but he also wasted 12 years of your life and cheated on his partner for the majority of that time.
It is blatantly obvious to everyone that he was manipulative which soils any bit of support he offered because it is fake and designed to make you rely on him.
To be clear, he may have been saying go get help from other sources, but he also made sure he contacted you regularly enough, asking you to lean on his shoulders, made declarations of love and support, and even when you blocked him he reminded you that he has always been there for you. He said get help from a professional but he didn't give you space to go to anyone else because he was always the first one there, all-encompassing, making sure you leaned wholly on him. That is a form of control.
His words and his actions don't match.
But, even if he was good to you, can you get to a point where you say, he was good to me in this season of my life and I'm grateful I had his support when I needed it, but in this next season I want to be someone's first choice and not their backup?
You cannot erase the past 12 years, nor should you as he did help you during that time.
But you must see clearly that the bad he did (make you dependent on him, prevent you from finding a real partner by stringing you along for years that you will not get back, not leaving his current convenient life although he declares he loves you, all whilst emotionally and physically cheating on his partner which tells you his true character) outweighs the little emotional crutch he provided at a time when you needed it.
He was good for a bit but now he's unhealthy for you. He could have broken up with his partner as soon as he saw how serious you were about ending things, but he still hasn't. She is his first choice, he still hasn't chosen you. Enough of being pushed around. Take control and draw a line under it. He was good in some ways, bad in others, but now you're starting a new chapter and it will be the best one yet. You are worthy and you can have someone who makes you their actual priority- proud to show you off, not sneaking around with you.
How you getting on, OP? Hope you have some fun Halloween plans with your kid this weekend!
I'm not great but I've been keeping myself busy. He's ended up getting another number by the looks of things which I've also had to block. Just saying the usual, he misses me, doesn't understand why I've done this, thought I loved him like he loves me etc. I have lots of lovely plans with my child tomorrow, we're in the middle of a lockdown here so we've been keeping busy and spending some well needed time together. Thank you so much for checking on me
You should try and change your number if you can
I'm not even going to ask him that. As people have said, he never has any intention of leaving her. I'm hoping time is a healer as they say. I shouldn't but I miss him, I know that I've done the right thing though.
Its normal to miss him, he was a huge part of your life for such a long time regardless of how he treated you so don’t beat yourself up. Let yourself miss him for a while but then draw a line and get on with your day, do that each time until suddenly, one day hopefully in the not so far future you won’t feel that pang anymore
You need to change your number.
That's the next step. I worry then though that he'll turn up at my home a lot. Not that I'm scared of him or anything, but I just don't want to see him.
if he turns up at your home,uninvited, contact the police. You don’t have to put up with being harassed by him. You’ve told him to leave you alone and that should be enough, if he carries on you have to get a third party involved. He’s starting to sound a bit unhinged.
This thread has helped me immensely. I'm taking from it that "i deserve to be chosen". Thanks all
Just wondering how things are now. Has he left you alone