Dealing with Death

Platypusfattypus · Aug 30, 2020

I've pretty much lost most of my family. My parents died when I was younger, both from cancer. Watching them die messed me up pretty badly for a while. Then I've lost grandparents etc. I've never got over the death of my parents, I don't think I ever will. You always expect to lose your parents but not when you are young. My mum was 36 when she died, and my dad was 42, so I'm almost older then them both.

Lynseyp · Aug 30, 2020

One of my Grandads passed away when I was one and unfortunately I never got to meet my other Grandad as he died when my Dad was a baby.

My Nans passed in 1999 and 2002. I was the youngest Grandchild on my mums side and was gutted that my nans never made my wedding (2004). All my other cousins had children that my Nan's met but unfortunately they never met my 3. Not a day goes by where I don't think about them.

I do have a big family, many Aunties and Uncles so we do go through the mourning process alot.

My kids only have 1 set of Grandparents (my side) so its hard for them. We show them pictures and remind them that their Grandparents would be very proud of them if they were here today.

I always hoped RIP meant Return If Possible. If i could have just 5 minutes with them it would make me happy.

slugella · Aug 31, 2020

Its_Me said:
Same with mum. I’ve broken down at the thought of it in the past. I also get upset at the thought of me dying before mum, and how she would cope without me. Death happens to us all it’s one thing in life that’s guaranteed but I don’t think it makes it any less scary.

One thing that doesn’t scare me though is what actually happens when you die. I appreciate others thoughts and religious takes on it but in my mind we die and we go to rest.

I think this too. I can't imagine losing her, and also worry about how she would be if she lost me or my brother.

My dad passed when I was in high school and I remember checking in on my mum every few nights to check she was breathing as I was so anxious about it. Sounds super dramatic and weird to type haha but yeah death and grief are scary.

SummerLeaves2004 · Aug 31, 2020

Sending massive hugs to everyone who has posted here. I have both my parents, which I am thankful for- however I lost someone incredibly close to me three weeks ago. I have lost a number of close relatives in my 31 years. The most recent has hit me hard. It is hard. Very hard. And I sympathise with every single one of you. Stay strong and remember the lovely times, It's the only thing you can do.

HinchythetwattyGrinchy · Aug 31, 2020

I’m so glad I’ve found this thread - I’ve recently been debating going to a therapist to help me deal with the loss of my grandad.

He was diagnosed with lung cancer back in 2016 and had an operation to remove the cancer and was then given the all clear.... a few months later in early 2017 he started complaining of back pain and he just became very weak, we all told him to go to the doctors, which he said he had (we later found out he lied) he self diagnosed himself with ‘sciatica’. Anyway, one day my cousin went up to see him and he was literally yellow and so weak, he took him to the hospital and I went up to visit him and I bursted out crying there and then. I just knew it was cancer. A few days later the diagnosis was confirmed and it was bone cancer. Nothing could be done obviously and grandad didn’t care. In all honesty, I think he just wanted to be with my Nan who had passed away two years prior to breast cancer - he had never, ever gotten over her death.

Anyway, November 2017 was when he passed and I was going through some other personal things in my relationship. My ex was abusive, manipulative and I was going through a miscarriage and the only person I wanted to have a cuddle and cry with was my grandad, he was my best friend from day one and the only person who’d make things feel right in an instant. Because of all these additional things I was going through, I pushed his death to the side and didn’t start grieving until around April 2018 when I finally plucked up the courage to leave my ex. Sometimes I still feel as if he is literally here physically, I’ll have a funny story to tell and think “oh, I’ll ring up grandad and tell him that!” Then reality kicks in and it hurts. I miss him millions and I don’t think I’ll ever experience another loss like it.

Rxt156 · Aug 31, 2020

HinchythetwattyGrinchy said:
I’m so glad I’ve found this thread - I’ve recently been debating going to a therapist to help me deal with the loss of my grandad.

He was diagnosed with lung cancer back in 2016 and had an operation to remove the cancer and was then given the all clear.... a few months later in early 2017 he started complaining of back pain and he just became very weak, we all told him to go to the doctors, which he said he had (we later found out he lied) he self diagnosed himself with ‘sciatica’. Anyway, one day my cousin went up to see him and he was literally yellow and so weak, he took him to the hospital and I went up to visit him and I bursted out crying there and then. I just knew it was cancer. A few days later the diagnosis was confirmed and it was bone cancer. Nothing could be done obviously and grandad didn’t care. In all honesty, I think he just wanted to be with my Nan who had passed away two years prior to breast cancer - he had never, ever gotten over her death.

Anyway, November 2017 was when he passed and I was going through some other personal things in my relationship. My ex was abusive, manipulative and I was going through a miscarriage and the only person I wanted to have a cuddle and cry with was my grandad, he was my best friend from day one and the only person who’d make things feel right in an instant. Because of all these additional things I was going through, I pushed his death to the side and didn’t start grieving until around April 2018 when I finally plucked up the courage to leave my ex. Sometimes I still feel as if he is literally here physically, I’ll have a funny story to tell and think “oh, I’ll ring up grandad and tell him that!” Then reality kicks in and it hurts. I miss him millions and I don’t think I’ll ever experience another loss like it.

So sorry to read this. What an awful thing to have to go through. I feel very similar about my grandad. It’s so hard to get my head around the fact that they will never be around again and I’ll never be able to visit him for a cup of tea. He won’t be at my wedding and won’t meet my children.

The only thing that gets me through is knowing that I did absolutely everything I could have done when he was alive. I never felt ‘the regret’ after he passed away because I’d see him every week without fail, take him out and take gifts round (even small ones like cakes) which he absolutely loved. I felt like I’d absolutely shown him how loved he was and how much he meant to be. I know he felt that too.

I like to think that he is watching and is proud of who I have become now because he is such a huge part of that.

I’ll never get over his death but I have learnt to cope with him not being here.

:-(

tskiry56 · Aug 31, 2020

Both my grandparents passed away in 2017. Before that I had never really experienced a death in the family where I realised the enormity of what had happened.
I was 29 and I don't think it hit me until years later. My nan was diagnosed with leukaemia in the January and passed away in the June and my pap passed away in the october 5 days after being told on my nans birthday he had stomach cancer.
I felt incredibly guilty during that time as I was going through my own issues after coming out of a dv relationship.. though my pap was here to see my ex get charged and see me be happy which my nan wanted.
My nan said she had a great life and it was her time while my pap believed my nan missed him. So its comforting that they are together.

Platypusfattypus · Aug 31, 2020

slugella said:
I think this too. I can't imagine losing her, and also worry about how she would be if she lost me or my brother.

My dad passed when I was in high school and I remember checking in on my mum every few nights to check she was breathing as I was so anxious about it. Sounds super dramatic and weird to type haha but yeah death and grief are scary.

I wad told that when you lose a parent as a child there is a huge amount of anxiety about losing the other parent. I developed OCD around my dad dying after my mum had died.

PoleStar · Aug 31, 2020

I'm glad to have found this thread as I still grieve for my parents. My dad died in 2015 and my mum died 15 months later in 2016. I honestly thought that by now I would have stopped grieving and be able to just concentrate on the happy memories, but it hasn't been like that. My grief is like a raw patch inside me that just won't heal. I have been thinking of seeing a therapist as I thought I was abnormal feeling like this, but from reading this thread I can see it is a widespread phenomenon. I'm not scared of dying myself but scared of losing loved ones as I age.

JD-Morgan · Aug 31, 2020

My Grandma passed away in June this year.

The funeral restrictions cause of covid didn’t help but I still can’t really come to terms with it.

HoGi · Aug 31, 2020

My dad died in October last year and I think this twitter thread sums up grief perfectly.

The main thing to realise is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I think about my dad all the time. Some times I can talk about him without it hurting, other times I will see/hear something or think about something and burst into tears.

My mum and sister have handled things very differently to me, but we are very different people. Doesn't mean of us care any less. We just express ourselves differently

Drea1984 · Aug 31, 2020

Lost my mum last year. I honestly feel I’ll never be the same. When you have a mum you always have somewhere to go and someone who loves you (hopefully)

Emperortooco · Aug 31, 2020

I lost my dad a long time ago now 29 years it was totally unexpected he just had a massive heart attack in front of me and my mum and he was gone, will never forget how brutal it was but quick. I,ve always been exceptionally close to my mum, I,m married , happily I might add but I loved my mum so much. I was adopted as a child and they gave me the best life that they could and I’ll never forget that. Anyway fast forward to 2013 and my mum had been diagnosed with breast cancer for almost 5 years. We knew after 6 months that it was secondary so we knew that time was limited but we had a few good years and gradually she started to fail probably in the March onwards. I knew that we were getting close to the end and like some people on here emotionally I found it difficult to cope. In the August she was rushed into hospital as she couldn’t get out of bed one morning and after tests and a couple of weeks stay they let her go home to die. I took the time off work and left Hubble and my dogs to their own devices and moved back to my childhood home to look after her and be with her until the very end. Must admit there were some very tough times as cancer is a bastard and she was in so much pain and she begged me to help her end things twice and those conversations were hard as she was in so much pain she said a couple of times “if you loved me enough you would help me” but deep down I think she was just desperate at that time as other days we would talk for hours ! So it went on for almost 8 weeks and I had help from Macmillan and eventually a few nights sleep as Marie Curie sent a wonderful nurse over to sit with my mum, and then on Oct 2nd just after midnight I held her hand as she slipped peacefully away and truth be known part of me died with her. I,ve never been the same person that I was when she was here and don,t think I ever will be again. I used to imagine how empty my life would be without her and sadly now that it’s happened it’s become a reality.

Gembo · Aug 31, 2020

Emperortooco said:
I lost my dad a long time ago now 29 years it was totally unexpected he just had a massive heart attack in front of me and my mum and he was gone, will never forget how brutal it was but quick. I,ve always been exceptionally close to my mum, I,m married , happily I might add but I loved my mum so much. I was adopted as a child and they gave me the best life that they could and I’ll never forget that. Anyway fast forward to 2013 and my mum had been diagnosed with breast cancer for almost 5 years. We knew after 6 months that it was secondary so we knew that time was limited but we had a few good years and gradually she started to fail probably in the March onwards. I knew that we were getting close to the end and like some people on here emotionally I found it difficult to cope. In the August she was rushed into hospital as she couldn’t get out of bed one morning and after tests and a couple of weeks stay they let her go home to die. I took the time off work and left Hubble and my dogs to their own devices and moved back to my childhood home to look after her and be with her until the very end. Must admit there were some very tough times as cancer is a bastard and she was in so much pain and she begged me to help her end things twice and those conversations were hard as she was in so much pain she said a couple of times “if you loved me enough you would help me” but deep down I think she was just desperate at that time as other days we would talk for hours ! So it went on for almost 8 weeks and I had help from Macmillan and eventually a few nights sleep as Marie Curie sent a wonderful nurse over to sit with my mum, and then on Oct 2nd just after midnight I held her hand as she slipped peacefully away and truth be known part of me died with her. I,ve never been the same person that I was when she was here and don,t think I ever will be again. I used to imagine how empty my life would be without her and sadly now that it’s happened it’s become a reality.

I just want to send you the biggest hug. I know there are no words I can say that will make even the smallest amount of difference but I just wish you peace and happiness and I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing xx

Smiles265 · Aug 31, 2020

I lost my brother in law to suicide 5 years ago (he was only 23) left behind his young son and also my Uncle in the same year to suicide. I think it’s something I will never come to terms with. Comes in waves though xx

Bwacac · Sep 3, 2020

My partner who’s 30 lost his dad 11 months ago. we sat with his dad for 72 hours at the hospital up until about 4 hours before he passed. We had the call to say he’d gone at 3am and we’re back at the hospital 40 mins later to sit with him in peace. It was the worst 72 hours I’ve ever experienced and it’s made me so afraid of losing my parents. I was a child and a teenager when I lost all 4 of my grandparents. Seeing my partner broken after realising his dad was never coming home hurt so much. My partner is my rock and he’s tough and doesn’t show feelings. Watching him cry And the tears falling on his dads bed and knowing there was nothing I could do to ease his pain was so hard. Watching someone die and struggling to breath was horrific and will stay with me forever and it’s made me so scared of dying myself knowing that’s what will happen when my time comes. 11 months on my partner is doing well, he talks about his dad quite a bit and I know that when he’s missing him he doesn’t say as much but we will go for a drive and end up going passed where he used to live or his old place of work etc. One other thing after going through this is it’s made me love my partner more than I’ve ever thought possible because I saw a different side to him and going through it as a couple made us so much closer and stronger than ever. I think when you lose someone so close to you and you witness that death it definitely changes you as a person for ever. Sending lots of love to everyone whose posted on this thread xx

101d · Sep 3, 2020

JD-Morgan said:
My Grandma passed away in June this year.

The funeral restrictions cause of covid didn’t help but I still can’t really come to terms with it.

So sorry. I know how you feel as my Nan passed in February of this year. Her funeral would have been heaving had it of been any normal time, but COVID meant hardly any one could come. Miss her terribly. Hoping that when we scatter her ashes it will be the send off she deserves.

GabbyBeGone · Sep 6, 2020

I lost my sister to suicide 3 weeks ago, she was 31. It seems more of a tragic mistake rather than anything planned, she was high on cannabis when she did it and we think she had a psychotic episode. I don’t have the energy to do anything much today, I love and miss her so much But I also resent the hell out of her right now. We should’ve grown old together and had so many more amazing experiences together. I feel like there’s such a massive part of me missing, and I will never be truly happy again

Gembo · Sep 6, 2020

GabbyBeGone said:
I lost my sister to suicide 3 weeks ago, she was 31. It seems more of a tragic mistake rather than anything planned, she was high on cannabis when she did it and we think she had a psychotic episode. I don’t have the energy to do anything much today, I love and miss her so much But I also resent the hell out of her right now. We should’ve grown old together and had so many more amazing experiences together. I feel like there’s such a massive part of me missing, and I will never be truly happy again

I am so sorry for your loss, I don’t even know what to say to you, I hope you are being gentle with yourself and have support around you xx

Welsh1 · Sep 8, 2020

I'd say I've always had an issue around death. Ive only ever lost my nan and grandad, my grandad died of dementia so seeing him deteriorate was extremely difficult, when he passed I threw all of my efforts in to comforting my nan, we had always been extremely close. She would ring me every day after work to see how my day had been, would tell me every day how proud of me she was and we used to go for little lunches out every week which was the highlight of my week. She was then admitted to hospital with a sickness bug, came home and purposely gave up, stopped eating and drinking because she said she wanted to be with my grandad. It was torture to sit with her every day knowing she was giving up like that but also made me feel slightly peaceful that she wanted to go and be with him. I sat with her every day and most nights until she went. I still talk to her photo every day and visit their grave every week without fail. I often wonder how I will ever cope if I lose my parents, the thought absolutely terrifies me as I am so so close to them.

Dealing with Death

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