Dealing with an awful sister in law

[bongsandstuff]

I feel for you lovely. I’m in a similar situation, but I’ve been living at his parents for 4 years now due to issues out of my control. When I moved in I was 17 years old and that allowed them to treat me horribly on and off. My partner is also spineless and tells me to ignore it or not let it bother me. He has no idea what it’s like living in the company of such horrible people. The worst part is that I have no family of my own now and little friends to turn to. I’m estranged as I had to choose between them and him. All I can say is stick it out if you can. You know what is best for you! I hope everything works out

 

[Raininvain]

Does anyone find themselves questioning if they’re being unreasonably hateful when they hate their SIL? mine came to a bbq held by her Dad - my FIL and bought her own buns for her burgers. No dietary reason, she just prefers brioche. Given that they’d supplied and paid for all the other food does anyone else find this weird? And almost selfish? Or am I just a walking hater now I can’t explain it I just dislike 90% of what she does

No that's not weird, better than getting him to get her them himself.

 

[1001 others]

My SiL and I both know someone - she works with them, and they're in my book club. It used to really irk me when this person would ask why we weren't close, and say how lovely she is, etc. ... until this year, when they finally saw her true colours!

Previously when this person would mention my SiL and I'd get all itchy, I would wonder if the problem was me. So now I'm feeling much better .

 

[blueberrylane]

An update I didn’t think I’d post, the FAMILY have requested the ring back and paid for the postage to ensure it’s return. This wasn’t a family ring but something made especially for me by a jeweller I know and love. I’m absolutely heartbroken and feel like I’ve been put back a million steps.

 

[judgejohndeed]

An update I didn’t think I’d post, the FAMILY have requested the ring back and paid for the postage to ensure it’s return. This wasn’t a family ring but something made especially for me by a jeweller I know and love. I’m absolutely heartbroken and feel like I’ve been put back a million steps.

Engagement rings are legally considered a gift generally speaking (unless you were told upfront that if you split up you’d have to give it back eg it’s a family heirloom) so you are within your rights to keep it.

 

[littlepup]

An update I didn’t think I’d post, the FAMILY have requested the ring back and paid for the postage to ensure it’s return. This wasn’t a family ring but something made especially for me by a jeweller I know and love. I’m absolutely heartbroken and feel like I’ve been put back a million steps.

Keep it. Tell them they've him back they're not getting the ring too. You no longer need to keep the peace or stay quiet for his sake. No need to degrade yourself and give them the ammo of 'I always knew she was no good' but a firm and polite factual response or no response at all.
The cheek of it! Why would they even want it?! Shame you can't back bill 7 years of companionship and emotional support and pay postage on the return of that!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

An update I didn’t think I’d post, the FAMILY have requested the ring back and paid for the postage to ensure it’s return. This wasn’t a family ring but something made especially for me by a jeweller I know and love. I’m absolutely heartbroken and feel like I’ve been put back a million steps.

I’ve always felt if the woman instigated the aplit it’s good form to return the ring. However if he asked to split up then ignore them

 

[bubbadabut]

Shame you can't back bill 7 years of companionship and emotional support and pay postage on the return of that!

That's perfect. I would write that down, put it in the envelope and say we're evens.

 

[JoeBloggs]

An update I didn’t think I’d post, the FAMILY have requested the ring back and paid for the postage to ensure it’s return. This wasn’t a family ring but something made especially for me by a jeweller I know and love. I’m absolutely heartbroken and feel like I’ve been put back a million steps.

They have no ownership over your ring, don’t give them the satisfaction.

 

[Bizziebody]

The family want the ring? It’s none of their business what you & your ex decide about the ring.
I would send the envelope back empty.
You have dodged a bullet by not marrying into that family, sorry but your ex must be a spineless mummy’s boy. You deserve better.

 

[chocolatepeaches]

Hi everyone,

I am really sorry for hijacking the thread and I didn't want to post a new one because I didn't want to crowd the forum.

My husband and I haven't been having a great relationship with his sister.

My husband and I met online. We then dated long distance for 2 years. All of the family calls have been on Google Meet/Zoom. I moved from Malaysia to be with him on a K1 visa and he's Ukrainian. They moved to the US when he was a tween. When I moved to the US last year, we had plans to have a small, intimate wedding but my parents couldn't travel to the US because there were Covid travel restrictions. So, we decided to elope instead. It was the happiest day of our life but his family weren't happy. My family were happy for us though. My husband's family eventually came around. But to appease them, we told them we can have a celebration in Malaysia but they keep throwing hints at some family events saying it might not happen which is a little hurtful. I get along with all of his family members except for his 2nd sister.

Some background on his sister, she's unmarried, childfree and 39 years old. She lives in the East Coast while we live in the West Coast. She's also living together with a man who is 30 years older than her and has older kids around her age (his ex wife lives next to them). I find her boyfriend very creepy because he drops in randomly on family video calls and gives snide remarks to things. When we talked about having a second celebration, her boyfriend didn't want her to go our proposed 2022 wedding celebration because it's so close to Christmas and it's very insensitive of us to plan a celebration without asking them. Let's call that Incident 1.

All this time I haven't seen his sister face to face (it's all been video calls only), so, when we met face to face for the first time for Christmas dinner as a family together, she asked me what do I enjoy doing now that I moved to the US and I said, I really cooking for my husband. Then she asked my husband, her brother, in front of me, do you like her cooking? My husband said yes and that felt very awkward. My husband does enjoy my home cooked meals but that's not a great question to ask when you meet someone for the first time. Let's call that Incident 2.

Last year, while I was waiting for the K1 visa, my husband was able to come and live with my parents and I for a while. This was the time when Covid vaccines was first introduced. My husband and I decided to wait till we move to the US to have the Covid vaccine and when we mentioned this, her sister accused us of being anti vaxxers. Then after a week or 2, my sister in law and husband tried to reconcile and all things were forgiven. When we moved to the US, the first thing both of us did was to get vaccinated. We got both double vaccinated and boosted. Let's call this Incident 3.

Last month my husband and I traveled to the UK and unfortunately, my husband tested positive after we got back. We informed his family via a group text and the responses were sweet and positive. A week later, I tested positive and the responses were sweet except for his sister's.

She tried to lecture us about long Covid, how us being vaccinated is a good thing but to also get tested daily and PCR tests not being reliable. She has a PhD in Statistics and she was being arrogant saying to trust her statistical knowledge when she only recently got a job in aerospace and has no experience in healthcare. She really unnecessary long texts when a 'get well soon' message or offering to help us with groceries will do. This time around, I've had enough, (I was also suffering with high fever + cough at the time) I called her out in the family group text saying this is very insulting language and I am not the only one who thought so. My husband and brother in law thought so too and my brother in law privately texted me saying sorry on behalf of her. This would be Incident 4.

As expected, my SIL tried to do damage control by calling my husband privately. My husband suggested talking to both of us on speaker and my sister in law refused to apologise for her texts and was being very arrogant saying I am the negative and aggressive influence in the family. I tried being nice and said, she should consider relooking at texts before she hits send and later doing damage control via voice calls because she always blames us for misinterpreting her texts. Before we ended the call, she blamed me for having a 'continuously playing victim.' That's when we decided, we should hang up because she kept going in circles, blaming me for no good reason and didn't seem apologetic at all. Let's call this Incident 5.

It's after so many incidents like this, we've had enough. After a chat with my own parents, they suggested for the sake of my own mental health, to not associate with her. From my husband's point of view, she's never acted like this, only after I entered the family, she's been acting so weird like this. My husband still wants to reprimand her for the arrogant way she was talking down to me. I suggested no contact since she's on the other side of the country anyway.

Just an update to the above story, my husband spoke to her privately and tried to hear her side of the story. Since I didn't want to take part in the voice call, my husband recorded it instead.

Some highlights from the call between my husband and SIL early this week:

• Her tone was very arrogant and she wasn't apologetic about hurting my feelings
• She was very adamant about sharing her long texts on vaccines, long Covid etc because she thinks she's qualified since she has a PhD in Statistics. "I am a doctor and I am right in what I said." Mind you, she has no experience in healthcare, works in aerospace instead. Please note, I don't want to sound derogatory to people working in the service sector but she worked as a waitress + teaching assistant for a very long time before landing her job 2 years ago. She's definitely no expert
• She kept mentioning in the call, that the last time my husband and I spoke to her on voice, I was yelling at her and calling her names. This did NOT happen but my husband unfortunately agreed with her instead of correcting her allegation. I am very upset about this because I was hoping my husband would defend me
• She also mentioned she wished things were how they used to be and more carefree (my husband and SIL didn't have long, elaborate conversations in the past). This sounded odd because my husband told me he and SIL weren't too close and they didn't visit each other often or talk on the phone often
• She said she wants to say whatever is on her mind out loud without people disagreeing with her. Also, I am being too sensitive and always perceive her as being negative. Therefore, it will be really hard for me to live my life here in the US

She never apologized for any of her hurtful comments in the past call and kept talking in circles with my husband for 1.5 hours. Also, she kept painting me as a villain by manipulating my words against me.

On the plus side, my husband did tell her that I don't wish to speak to her again but didn't explicit tell her that she's not welcome to our house or we don't plan to see her again.

I personally think my SIL is incapable of change and going NC with her, at least, on my end is a better choice for me.

How do I convey this stance to the rest of my husband's family? My husband already doesn't mind going very low contact with her.

We plan to have a smaller wedding celebration this year due to Covid messing with our plans last year which is why we decided to elope instead. How do I not invite her and just invite his parents and other siblings? I personally think it will be stressful but I really don't want her around on our special day.

This situation has put a lot of mental stress between my husband and I. My husband is a very passive person and when I mentioned he didn't defend me as much in the phone call, he was very upset but we made up later. Truth be told, I love my husband truly, madly and deeply. But we just want to live our lives without this crazy woman ruining it for us and I also want to try to get along with the rest of his family who seem much saner except my mother in law visits my evil SIL frequently. I don't want to upset my MIL but I want to come up with a response that doesn't me paint me as a family wrecker or something.

Please help? I don't want our marriage to suffer over this.

 

[littlepup]

I think it’s completely acceptable to say that you don’t see eye to eye and despite efforts to reconcile your differences, you think it’s better that you don’t have contact for everyone’s sake. I do think you have to be civil for the sake of the family on something like a family video chat, co-exist in the family while not directly communicating with her.

As far as the wedding goes, it’s your husband’s wedding too. How much will he enjoy a day that he knows is causing fractions in his family? He’s spent around 40 years with his sister, I don’t think you can reasonably expect him to remove her from the biggest day of his life for the events you’ve discussed. I would however question why she’d want to attend your wedding given the situation so perhaps you can come to an agreement about her not going that the family will understand isn’t just driven by you.

It’s unfair but I’d really question how important cutting his sister out is because I think it could affect every part of your marriage as far as having the support of his family is concerned. When it’s wife vs family it takes a very strong relationship for the wife to win

 

[chocolatepeaches]

I think it’s completely acceptable to say that you don’t see eye to eye and despite efforts to reconcile your differences, you think it’s better that you don’t have contact for everyone’s sake. I do think you have to be civil for the sake of the family on something like a family video chat, co-exist in the family while not directly communicating with her.

As far as the wedding goes, it’s your husband’s wedding too. How much will he enjoy a day that he knows is causing fractions in his family? He’s spent around 40 years with his sister, I don’t think you can reasonably expect him to remove her from the biggest day of his life for the events you’ve discussed. I would however question why she’d want to attend your wedding given the situation so perhaps you can come to an agreement about her not going that the family will understand isn’t just driven by you.

It’s unfair but I’d really question how important cutting his sister out is because I think it could affect every part of your marriage as far as having the support of his family is concerned. When it’s wife vs family it takes a very strong relationship for the wife to win

I really appreciate the advice! My husband is honestly okay not having her at the wedding because she's been very difficult towards him in the past but you are right. Cutting her off from family events will be tough.

Just her presence at any family event when she is invited gives me a lot of anxiety and stress. I really worry about what she will say to my husband and I or just me. I tried being as cordial as I could be in the past but after the recent events, I feel like me going NC is the best solution with her and my husband is okay with going very low contact with her too.

Any other advice is appreciated! How did you deal with a horrible sister in law as such?