Dealing with abortion

[ada-lovelace]

Was just wondering if anyone can confirm it gets easier? Had an abortion beginning of this month and I’m just consumed with guilt, and I feel like I regret it, but I don’t know if that’s just the guilt speaking. I already have 2 children and my husband and I knew we didn’t want any more for various reasons so the feelings of regret are confusing. Just want to stop feeling so sad

 

[ack13]

I had an abortion mid-December at about 8 weeks. Done it at home with the support of my husband. We’ve always know that we didn’t want children and my pregnancy came as a result of a contraceptive failure.

Despite my previous comment about not wanting children, when I found out I was pregnant I began thinking about perhaps keeping it (I now put this down to pregnancy hormones), thinking about what my son/daughter may look like and just all these bizarre feeling and thoughts. When I passed my pregnancy I won’t lie, I was very upset as was my husband.

Fast forward 5 weeks, it was 100% the correct decision and although some people don’t agree/can’t imagine it, I am still 100% decided that I will not have children. Yes I felt a bit upset the days following but it subsided quickly and I don’t regret it.

 

[absolute-omnishambles]

Hi ladies- I hope you don’t mind a technically undecided person stopping by here. I have found out I am very early pregnant. I am on hormonal contraception but do tests as part of my monthly routine after my friend had a horrendous experience of discovering an unwanted pregnancy right on the abortion limit.

I’m absolutely gutted. Never thought I’d be in this boat as had few miscarriages to conceive my daughter.

We could definitely have another baby. No financial worries or anything like that- but I just don’t want to parent more than one child I was one and done, my husband a bit more open and waiting a few months before he booked in the snip.

I haven’t told him yet. I have the number for the booking line in my area and I’m just planning on keeping it quiet for a couple of weeks. I think I need to know if it’s a viable pregnancy before I make the decision. With my history I could just start bleeding tomorrow, or see an empty sac. Just feel like I need all the information so I can never ‘what if…’

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

Just as an update as I don’t have many other people I can talk to about this. I had my first appointment today at the clinic and they scanned me, I’m 10 weeks 4 days so have to have the surgical abortion. It’s booked for next Thursday. Updated my ex and got a ‘thanks for letting me know, hope you’re ok’ response. Took the rest of the day off work as just wanted to be alone and curl up in a ball.

He's a dick. I hope you're ok. Let yourself wallow for a bit. You'll come out fighting when it's all over and know you've made the right decision and you'll be free of a lump of a man that didn't deserve you

 

[yellowflower274]

This is ever so sweet, thank you ever so much for thinking of me . I’m “ok” thank you. As best as can be anyway.

Maybe a trigger warning below so please don’t read on if you don’t want to -

Everything went as well as it could have done 17 days ago. Apart from having to sit in the waiting room for 3.5 hours before I got called through (that was extremely hard. I think they must have been running behind?), I am so immensely grateful and so thankful for the care and treatment that I received through MSI. I believe they used to be Marie Stopes.

I feel really “happy” (it feels wrong to use that word) in my decision to have had the surgery rather than the tablets.

There was a lovely space while I was waiting to be called in for my surgery, where I was left to undress and there was a wall full of sticky notes with words of comfort, kindness and support from other women that had been in my position prior. With things like “forgive yourself”, “you have the right to choose”, “you are still a good person”, “everything will be ok” etc. I was already very emotional at that point but reading those meant so much to me and made the tears fall even harder.

While I’m still really hurting inside, I hope it will get easier with time. I decided to name a star after the baby and I also opted to take the remains home, which I have since buried and planted some flowers on top which I care for daily.

I think that’s been the hardest part of all for me - battling with my thoughts that because I chose to have an abortion, I therefore don’t have the right to grieve or mourn that loss. I so wish I could have kept my child but it wasn’t the right thing to do. I made the decision FOR that child, for my other children and for our relationship. I’ll carry them and the “what if” with me for the rest of my life and I hope that they will forgive me for what I’ve done.

Once again, thank you for asking about me . To anyone reading this, if you find yourself in this position - Please feel confident in going through MSI. I really can’t praise them enough, I felt so supported during and after. X

This is truly beautiful to read. I had my abortion just over 4 years ago now and was 22 at the time, I’m now 27 and 13 weeks pregnant with a very much wanted baby. I’m so proud of my past self for making that decision as if we’d have kept that pregnancy, the two would have been raised so differently due to finances etc and not being emotionally ready. Choosing to have an abortion is not easy in the slightest, you should be proud of yourself and definitely grieve or mourn any way you need to do, I know I did. I also felt so sad for my former self when I found out I was pregnant that first time round as it was like night and day two very different moments and experiences. It’s so tough but you will feel much better soon I hope xxx

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

I had a termination 15 years ago, I don't regret it. Me and my partner had only been together 5 months when I found out I was pregnant. I knew I didn't want children but still considered (momentarily) keeping it By the time I told my partner I knew I didn't want to keep it and he supported that.

I rang Marie Stopes and arranged it with them. I had a surgical procedure at 10 weeks. I remember nothing of the procedure, I remember coming round from the sedation and having a cup of tea and a biscuit.

After the termination I had two days off work and when I went back in, my manager, who disapproved of me having a termination, was a bit rude to me and gave me 'orders' to do physical work. My colleague/friend had a go at him and did all the physical work for me. I was so glad my colleague was there because he really looked after me, I think I'd have left in tears if it wasn't for his kindness that day.

I definitely had an emotional reaction to having a termination, there were lots of ups and downs because I had a Catholic education and had it drummed into me that termination was a sin. I hadn't realised how much of that indoctrination had sunk in. I didn't really talk about it either. I worked through it on my own, which I now realise was daft, I'd have felt better about it if I'd spoken to people. I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want anyone to think I was struggling with the choice I'd made, I thought I'd be admitting I made a mistake, even though I knew I'd made the right choice.

Anyway, I think the point I'm trying to make is that I struggled with having made the choice to have a termination, even though I knew it was right for me. I have never regretted my choice, I'm still with the same partner and we have a lovely life, which I don't think we'd have if we'd had the child

 

[ada-lovelace]

Thank you so much ladies for your words of encouragement and sharing your experiences. I’m going to call BPAS tomorrow and arrange a Councelling session. I didn’t want to do this initially as I thought going over it again might make me feel worse but you can’t run away from your emotions can you!

 

[pink_lemonade]

Hello I’ve just come across this thread and wondering if anyone can help advise me in the right direction @pink_lemonade i could have wrote your post myself!
I currently have a 4 month old, 2yr old and 7+11 yrs. I have just found out I’m 7 weeks pregnant, I can’t believe I’m in this situation but I’m absolutely adamant I do not want another baby. It’s obviously summer holidays so all kids home. I don’t know where to begin, do I need to go via nhs? Many thanks in advance for even reading xx
---
I hope my above post doesn’t offend anyone but from previous experiences I have had some amazing support over on other threads on tattle so I was feeling content in posting here

Hey,
It’s such a shock isn’t it, sending you lots of love and support

T/W - I know this thread is for abortion but just in case.

So I’m in the process of having an abortion, I contacted BPAS (British Pregnancy Advisory Service) via their booking form on their website and they pointed me in the local services for me.
Because I’m under 10 weeks, I’m having the pill and doing it at home, not sure if you’ll want to do it at home because your children but if they have any clinics local, you can go in and take it or have surgery instead.

So far I’ve had a consultation phone call and a call with a nurse today, they are calling again Thursday and from then I’ll have the pill.

They do offer counselling before and after which I have opted for as I’m drowning in guilt atm, how am I having a call arranging an abortion whilst rocking my baby to sleep in his pram.

Again, sending you big hugs

 

[yellowflower274]

Thanks for your reply @gummy-bear . Just reading on BPAS's website, it looks like they'll likely only offer me a medical abortion because I'm less than 10 weeks. Their reason for this is COVID.. I am hoping that they will take my concerns about the at-home medical abortion seriously and consider granting my wish for the surgical option.

I had a medical at home and whilst it was very very painful, it was only a few hours and once the main pregnancy passes the pain reduced for me drastically. It really wasn’t nice when the pain was so bad but it did only last for a few hours, but obviously if a surgical would be a lot better for you then hopefully you will be offered one.

 

[anonesk223]

@Keera thats so kind and thoughtful thank you

Here’s my story:

I’m 28 and fell pregnant unexpectedly. I think I’m about 6 weeks? I’m in a 2.5 year relationship. We’ve made our decision to abort but we are both absolutely heartbroken.

We don’t earn loads of money. My partner earns less than me. He’s had financial difficulties in the past and has only just found a job he likes, with possibilities to move up in the future.

We rent a tiny one bedroom flat in an expensive area. We still have a temporary sofa, and wardrobes without doors. We have been using our money to slowly build the flat up.

We don’t see a way we can make it work. If we move to a cheaper area, we lose what little support system we already have.
Sadly our families can’t support us financially.
Partners paternity package is appalling (2 weeks statutory pay) and mine is 8 weeks full pay and then 16 weeks half pay.
We can’t live off just one of our salaries or even part of our salaries. We’d have to have the baby straight into childcare which is horrible anyway, and we couldn’t afford. We can’t really afford anywhere bigger just yet.

I completely understand and agree, but I’m so resentful and upset at the state of the world. We both work full time and we can’t afford to have a child - it’s so unfair.
We wanted the time to be exciting and not stressful.

My partner suggested that we spend the next year or two taking it really seriously and saving money so that we are better prepared. He said we set a deadline (say, two years time) and even if we are in the same position, we start trying again anyway. At least we will be prepared.

I am so heartbroken and just wanted to vent I guess..

 

[Hammmmmmms]

Thank you so much everyone you all have no idea how much I needed to hear each of your stories. Much love to you all xx

 

[Jdottt13]

So glad I found this thread, just read through it all and it made me feel alot better about the situation. For context, I am not sure if I am pregnant as of yet. Me and my ex (have 2 children together) have had a few moments of madness shall we say and one time an accident occurred. I got the morning after pill but then realised it doesn’t work if you’ve already ovulated (this was CD16) so I’m pretty sure that was pointless. So now in that dreaded 2 week wait. Just horrible not being able to talk to anyone about it, my friends/family I honestly think would disown me if they knew I’d been anywhere near him (long story but he broke my heart 3 years ago and I’d finally got to a good place and then moments of weakness let him back in) I guess I feel ashamed as it shouldn’t have happened in the first place but having a baby just isn’t an option, I am not in the right place mentally or financially and I’m just scared

 

[justhavinganoseynow]

Hi I’ve just been thought he termination process and the reminders and pregnancy announcements and seeing babies is a little tough. I already have 3 kids that are quite grown now so I just couldn’t start again. It would have literally pushed me back 16 years and my life’s already hectic without bringing a poor baby into the mix.
My biggest struggle is not telling my OH. He is very much pro-life and would have made me have it. He would never forgive me if he found out what I’ve done so I know I can’t tell him but the tension is awful because it’s obvious I’m keeping a secret. I’m just praying it slips to the back of my mind eventually so we can get back
To normal. It’s very early days at the min. I only took the 2nd pill 3 days ago.

 

[gummy-bear]

I have recently had an abortion (2 weeks ago) and I’m Really struggling I’ve took time off work to deal with the situation as to be honest I really didn’t want to go ahead but for financial reasons and already having two children 5&6 and my partner having a 7yr old the practicality of it seemed impossible. I’m now riddled with guilt and I’m triggered by every Facebook/instagram post if people announcing pregnancies. I’ve cried most days and I can feel my partner getting sick of me as my mood swings are all over. I can’t help but keeping thinking of the what ifs/how many weeks I would have been now. I’m awaiting counselling from BPAS & works private healthcare but I can’t help but feel so down and depressed. I’m dreading taking the pregnancy test next week to confirm the abortion was successful. I’m mentally torturing myself and I really don’t know where to go from here. Any advice would be really appreciated

I’m not in the same situation but I did have an abortion last June and did struggle with guilt afterwards. I found people announcing pregnancies difficult too and quite a few friends told me they were pregnant around the same time which gave me mixed reactions.
however within a few months I felt a lot more clear headed about the situation - it was a tough choice to make but it was the right one for me. You’re totally allowed to know it was correct for you and your family but also feel sadness around the circumstances.
my advice is to be kind to yourself and to try and avoid triggering situations, maybe take some time away from social media as I do think it’s unhelpful with something like this. There is no wrong or right way to feel with this but take it day by day. I hope things get a bit brighter xx

 

[murielsweddingplanner]

I’ve got my surgical abortion tomorrow. I know I’ve said it before but I just wanted to thank everyone again so much for their kindness and messages of love and support, you may all be strangers on the internet but you’ve helped me more than you could ever know . If it’s ok with everyone I’d like to share my experience online when I’m able to, just for anyone who may come to this thread and find themselves in a similar position and be wondering what to expect with the surgery etc. I think it’s going to be a long night with lots of tears but I know I’m going to be ok in the end. Thank you all again so very much from the bottom of my (very broken) heart . You are all very special ladies. X

Ive only just discovered this thread. But i wish you the best of luck having experienced same 14yrs ago. I was 1 day legally allowed from doing so as i was quite far on once i found out. Personal circmstances i had to do what was best at time for me as mum and my baby daughter and knowing id be single mum very shortly after for other reasons. He left a mth later sl my instincts was right.
Once i came around from op...i was highly medicated and i sobbed saying is it too late to change my mind. But now looking back it was best choice made...give it time, lots of rest hun...and acknowledge for your own reasons you did best you needed too... i promise it will all come around in years to come, and you will see you made beat choice you needed too. Best of luck many of us have been there in the past x

 

[Keera]

One of my reasons for wanting to go the surgical route, despite only being 5-6 weeks along is that I don’t feel comfortable being at home during the day due to my current living situation. I don’t have a very supportive flatmate in that when I do need to work from home she makes her displeasure with that known. She knows I’m pregnant, yet still made a big deal about me working from home today (quietly in my bedroom, I’ll add!) due to random waves of nausea and cramping. I don’t feel that I have a safe space to pass the pregnancy at home. I’m really scared and I’m feeling quite lonely if I’m honest.

I hope you are okay you have us here to talk to but also please reach out to the counsellors who work for organisations such as BPAS and MSI for a safe space to talk.
I completely understand your reasoning and remember you aren’t alone - when I made this thread I felt like I was the only one going through it but so many are and have done before

 

[Lalalalaaaaaa85]

Thank you everyone for your support and for being there for me, it means so very much to me. I didn’t think this could get any worse but it just has. My partner is in the military and I’ve just found out he’s going away for a couple of weeks so I’m going to have to do this all on my own . X

Do you have a friend or family member to support you? I had to do it alone last year as my ex walked out when I found out I was pregnant. One of my best friends came to stay with me and took me there and back on the day. I hope you have someone who can support you. If not then please pop on here when and if you need

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

I’ve stumbled upon this thread as I found out yesterday that I am pregnant, my first thought was we can’t keep it, we have so much going on in our life right now…

We have a 6 month old baby, in the middle of moving house and I have gallstones

I have only been pregnant once before and as much as it was a shock, we were totally ready, and it felt right. I don’t feel like that this time, I don’t feel ready for this and my body really isn’t ready.

My husband is really supportive, said it’s my decision and he will support, we did have a chat last night and he believes having an abortion would probably be for the best but I’m pretty certain he is only saying that because I am more for it.

But the GUILT of getting rid of it !!!! I actually feel sick having to get rid of it.
I’m waiting for BPA to be in contact today

So sorry you’re in this position. I think most people feel guilt even if they categorically didn’t want it (but there’s also no shame in not feeling guilty either!). You don’t have to make a decision instantly, think it through and do what is best for you. There’s this stigma that it’s childless young women who get abortions but actually the majority of women get abortions because they already have kids and consider it best for them they don’t have anymore at that time, so you’re not alone. Big hugs 🩷

 

[timtams]

I had a medical abortion with the tablet, I read a lot of horror stories online and was really worried but it was completely fine for me. Cost wasn't an issue because where I live surgical and medical are both free, but I didn't want surgical because I didn't want to have to be picked up. I was about 8 weeks I think as it was the earliest they could get me in. They prescribed strong painkillers, I took the abortion tablet and painkillers before I eent to bed so that time would pass quicker. I woke up and went to the bathroom when it was passing and then took more painkillers and back to bed. I didn't really have any cramps or perhaps the painkillers masked them.

I'm certainly not discounting others experiences, but I do think it differs for each person.

 

[Gingercream]

I had an abortion last year. I feel like the old woman who lived in a shoe already with the kids I do have and I knew I didn’t want more.

I felt guilty about it before I took the tablets but then I felt relief, and haven’t regretted my decision as it was the right one for my family. My husband, parents and sisters were all very supportive and agreed it was the right thing to do.