Dead Parent Club

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Curly

I lost my mum 4 years ago and I still struggle so much.
I can go through periods of time where I am ok for a few weeks then it’s like a fresh wave of grief hits me and I can’t think about her without crying. Like someone mentioned before though I can’t bring myself to talk about this with my husband. I will lie in bed at night silently crying because I don’t know or have the words to tell him how I feel. I don’t feel as though I can even tell my dad as although he has lost his wife it isn’t the same as a mum.
I find myself getting angry and jealous when I see my friends do stuff with their mums knowing I will never ever get that back.
when I’m in an ok place I can talk all day about her and laugh so much about memories but other times hearing just her name makes me emotional. I suppose I just get so overwhelmed in my own feelings.
 
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ATV2021

I did the same with some items of Mums - some to people I've since cut off. Fortunately I can't remember the exact items - as we were in a housing association house, no right for me taking on tenancy as 1 change already, I had no choice but to make one of a person's biggest life choices of moving house/sorting a mortgage etc. How I managed it at that time, let alone in 8 weeks full on astounds me and I just had to clear stuff out as downsized. In some respect I'm glad I don't remember specific things - I kept things of meaning, sold others to help my moving costs but damn I wish I'd actually had time to grieve, process things as I don't think I did so now I'm just living along.

One thing I do on her anniversary days, is do something or go somewhere, either for the day or overnight to celebrate her. This year her anniversary clashed with Mother's Day so I went away to my childhood holiday location and just had quiet time, and did things we'd have both enjoyed. It helps me as gives me something else to focus on that day and just be me, not having to deal with the "thinking of you" once a year messages I get from some people (who only remember due to a FB memory reminder!).
 
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GalaxyGirl70

I talk to my Dad in my head all the time. And still get the "oh I must ring Dad and tell him this". I can't bring myself to delete my contact numbers for him off my phone even though neither are connected anymore. I took my grandchildren for a walk the other day and they often ask to go and see his stone in the graveyard. I had to turn away when the youngest picked a daisy and left it there, saying "here you go grampy" (they called him grampy rather than great grampy). I'm just so glad that he got to know and love them - they truly brightened his world.
 
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HoGi

My phone is full of numbers that aren't connected anymore but I can't delete them.

Just seeing their names makes me smile.
 
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TheStrawberryThief

I got myself upset watching a film last night, I didn't realise it would show someone passing away from illness as the blurb on amazon did not mention it.

I was okay until I saw something in the film that brought back to much memory. I don't know what they are actually called, but one of those plastic sticks with a small sponge on that you use to wet the mouth of someone who can't drink. The scene showed one character dipping one into a drink and rubbing it in the mouth of a friend who was sleeping or maybe unconscious.


The character being sick did not bother me, the hospital didn't as it looked nothing like a UK hospital, but that silly little sponge did. I ended up crying over a sponge of all things.
 
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IllBredHen

I fully get this. Not directly from the loss of my parents for this one, but my brother (what you described evoked a memory of him). But also how seemingly small things are the big things for us who know grief. Hope you were able to do something nice for yourself after such a horrid feeling in your soul
 
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GalaxyGirl70

My daughter asked me for some photos of her grampy yesterday so I started scrolling through the photos I had on my old laptop and had to stop because I could feel a tightness across my chest. And I'm also panicking that she's going to have them around her house which is ridiculous.

It's been 14 months and I can't bear to look at photos of him at the moment. And I so want that to fuck off. I want to remember him, celebrate the good and the bad, and have memories of him around me. Grief is utterly shit, isn't it
 
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Purple star

Having loss both my parents and am only 41 I can’t believe how much jealousy it has brought to my life and I feel so bad for feeling this way
..As am the only person in my friendship group who it has happened too ..Most of my friends still have both their parents … Some have 1 ..
Can anyone else relate to me?
I feel so alone in my feelings and can’t talk to anyone about it as no1 understands
 
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ATV2021

I can sadly relate (I'm 36 next week) and been orphaned since 28. There are definitely still periods of anger, and the not relating as you said, some have both or at least 1.
Events such as anniversaries/mothers day types I do things for me as a memory type day. Shame we don't have DMs here
 
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Purple star

I know it is a shame we can’t DM
Thank you for replying to me
..Feeling really sad about it all I do most days but it’s heavy right now And it’s all started because my friend has messaged me saying she’s sitting in ur parents garden enjoying weather and they are having some tea together .. If only we could do that ..
I wish I was older so I didn’t feel this way ..
 
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NoHintOfDrama

Yes totally. I was 35 when my dad died and 44 when mum died. My husband is 7 years older than me and still has both his parents. He doesn’t understand the overwhelming grief and feeling of loss.
 
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Purple star

NoHintOfDrama said:
Yes totally. I was 35 when my dad died and 44 when mum died. My husband is 7 years older than me and still has both his parents. He doesn’t understand the overwhelming grief and feeling of loss.
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No my husband doesn’t understand either .. And yes he’s got both his parents too
So he doesn’t know how it feels ..He just expects me to be ok ..Is ur husband the same?
It’s like the pain will never end ..I can’t see how you get on with it …
I’ve been seeing a councillor..He’s great but it doesn’t help really .. Nothing does ..
 
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Kim Mild

I relate too. I lost both mine during my 30s, I'm 41 now too and my dad was in his 80s when he died so I feel like I'm more in the situation of people in their late 50s/60s, rather than my age group. It aged me so much when I lost them , and very few people understand that .

I feel a bit resentful of people who's parents are really involved with their lives, particularly as grandparents to their kids. More so since my little ones started school . Their besties's grandma does so much for them and it rubs in what I'm missing. Then I feel bad for thinking that .( I've actually found it therapeutic to get that out, it's not really something I can tell anybody) .
 
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Purple star

No I feel the same no1 really understands me
.i feel the same why do they get to have their parents and I don’t ..We are to young for all this ..
It just doesn’t seem fair ..
I think why me ..Other peoples parents get sick but they always get better ..If only mine had .
I hope it’s helped you in a way saying how you feel .. .
 
Reactions: 2

Moniker

GalaxyGirl70 said:
It's been 14 months and I can't bear to look at photos of him at the moment. And I so want that to fuck off. I want to remember him, celebrate the good and the bad, and have memories of him around me. Grief is utterly shit, isn't it
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I completely understand this. It was about 4 years before I could look at photos. In the first year I was paralysed by the fear that I might never be able to look at photos and simultaneously that I would forget what they look like.
 
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eppingforestbambi

I lost my mum a week before Xmas in 2010, after a short and aggressive breast cancer battle. I was 26 and she was 58.

My mum was quite a difficult person, and we had a tough time during my teens. But we were in a good place at the end of her life, and had made peace and were close.

It’s almost 14 years later that I truly feel the loss. I’ve just had my second baby, and I have never needed my mum’s support more - and I miss her being here so much. My Dad is much older and not a very thoughtful person, and is not very present in my life, so I basically feel like I have no parents. This weekend I had to be rushed in to hospital to have an emergency appendix removal (not ideal just a few weeks after having a c section), and I felt so alone. I saw everybody in the hospital having people visit them, and I was on my own most of the time because my husband was so busy looking after the baby and our son. I am so jealous of people who still have their parents, and the love and support that brings.

sending love to anybody else who has lost a parent.
 
Reactions: 7

GalaxyGirl70

@eppingforestbambi I hope you're feeling better soon. My husband lost his Mum when he was 18 and really just got on with it but it really knocked him sideways when we had our children. It made him feel her loss very deeply. She died of breast cancer very young but adored children (she worked in a special school as a teacher) and he said she would have been such an amazing grandmother.

I can't believe how much I'm feeling my Dad's loss last year - he was my "go to" parent and my Mum and I are distant at best (my sister gets the attention that I never have). I could never have imagined how much it rocks your very foundations.
 
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LouSV

I am in my 60's and lost my Mum 7 months ago, she was 92 , so I had always imagined that at that age it is expected , therefore it's not as upsetting, sadly I was wrong, I am still devastated , even though Mum was in very poor health and had no real quality of life..I just wasn't ready to lose her yet , but then I wonder if you ever really are ? ...
 
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Moniker

eppingforestbambi said:
I lost my mum a week before Xmas in 2010, after a short and aggressive breast cancer battle. I was 26 and she was 58.
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You and your mum were so young. I'm so sorry. All my friends still have their mums, including those older than me. They have no idea what it's like not to.
eppingforestbambi said:
I am so jealous of people who still have their parents, and the love and support that brings.
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Same
 
Reactions: 3
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