Dead Parent Club

[Curly]

I lost my mum 4 years ago and I still struggle so much.
I can go through periods of time where I am ok for a few weeks then it’s like a fresh wave of grief hits me and I can’t think about her without crying. Like someone mentioned before though I can’t bring myself to talk about this with my husband. I will lie in bed at night silently crying because I don’t know or have the words to tell him how I feel. I don’t feel as though I can even tell my dad as although he has lost his wife it isn’t the same as a mum.
I find myself getting angry and jealous when I see my friends do stuff with their mums knowing I will never ever get that back.
when I’m in an ok place I can talk all day about her and laugh so much about memories but other times hearing just her name makes me emotional. I suppose I just get so overwhelmed in my own feelings.

 

[ATV2021]

My advice to anyone who’s recently lost someone is not to make any big decisions for quite some time, as you are in very deep shock - you may not even realise that you are still in shock. It goes on for years, and it can be very hard for others to understand why we aren’t ready to “just move on”.

Even little decisions can be the wrong ones. I thought it was a good idea to give some family friends some nice things of my parents’ I just didn’t have room for any more - I thought the friends would be pleased and love them. But, as I later found out, they sold them on their eBay account.

I made other rash decisions I came to regret. I wish I had taken more time.

I did the same with some items of Mums - some to people I've since cut off. Fortunately I can't remember the exact items - as we were in a housing association house, no right for me taking on tenancy as 1 change already, I had no choice but to make one of a person's biggest life choices of moving house/sorting a mortgage etc. How I managed it at that time, let alone in 8 weeks full on astounds me and I just had to clear stuff out as downsized. In some respect I'm glad I don't remember specific things - I kept things of meaning, sold others to help my moving costs but damn I wish I'd actually had time to grieve, process things as I don't think I did so now I'm just living along.

One thing I do on her anniversary days, is do something or go somewhere, either for the day or overnight to celebrate her. This year her anniversary clashed with Mother's Day so I went away to my childhood holiday location and just had quiet time, and did things we'd have both enjoyed. It helps me as gives me something else to focus on that day and just be me, not having to deal with the "thinking of you" once a year messages I get from some people (who only remember due to a FB memory reminder!).

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I talk to my Dad in my head all the time. And still get the "oh I must ring Dad and tell him this". I can't bring myself to delete my contact numbers for him off my phone even though neither are connected anymore. I took my grandchildren for a walk the other day and they often ask to go and see his stone in the graveyard. I had to turn away when the youngest picked a daisy and left it there, saying "here you go grampy" (they called him grampy rather than great grampy). I'm just so glad that he got to know and love them - they truly brightened his world.

 

[HoGi]

I talk to my Dad in my head all the time. And still get the "oh I must ring Dad and tell him this". I can't bring myself to delete my contact numbers for him off my phone even though neither are connected anymore. I took my grandchildren for a walk the other day and they often ask to go and see his stone in the graveyard. I had to turn away when the youngest picked a daisy and left it there, saying "here you go grampy" (they called him grampy rather than great grampy). I'm just so glad that he got to know and love them - they truly brightened his world.

My phone is full of numbers that aren't connected anymore but I can't delete them.

Just seeing their names makes me smile.

 

[TheStrawberryThief]

I got myself upset watching a film last night, I didn't realise it would show someone passing away from illness as the blurb on amazon did not mention it.

I was okay until I saw something in the film that brought back to much memory. I don't know what they are actually called, but one of those plastic sticks with a small sponge on that you use to wet the mouth of someone who can't drink. The scene showed one character dipping one into a drink and rubbing it in the mouth of a friend who was sleeping or maybe unconscious.


The character being sick did not bother me, the hospital didn't as it looked nothing like a UK hospital, but that silly little sponge did. I ended up crying over a sponge of all things.

 

[Stillwater]

I completely understand that x

 

[IllBredHen]

I got myself upset watching a film last night, I didn't realise it would show someone passing away from illness as the blurb on amazon did not mention it.

I was okay until I saw something in the film that brought back to much memory. I don't know what they are actually called, but one of those plastic sticks with a small sponge on that you use to wet the mouth of someone who can't drink. The scene showed one character dipping one into a drink and rubbing it in the mouth of a friend who was sleeping or maybe unconscious.


The character being sick did not bother me, the hospital didn't as it looked nothing like a UK hospital, but that silly little sponge did. I ended up crying over a sponge of all things.

I fully get this. Not directly from the loss of my parents for this one, but my brother (what you described evoked a memory of him). But also how seemingly small things are the big things for us who know grief. Hope you were able to do something nice for yourself after such a horrid feeling in your soul

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

My daughter asked me for some photos of her grampy yesterday so I started scrolling through the photos I had on my old laptop and had to stop because I could feel a tightness across my chest. And I'm also panicking that she's going to have them around her house which is ridiculous.

It's been 14 months and I can't bear to look at photos of him at the moment. And I so want that to duck off. I want to remember him, celebrate the good and the bad, and have memories of him around me. Grief is utterly tit, isn't it