Dating after lockdown #39 Don't get toothfished

[whoareyouu]

I’m gonna play devils advocate here as it may help you in the future - it’s always best to stick to generic answers during the pre-date, small-talk phase. There’s a time and a place for being vulnerable or giving a lot of detail and super early on isn’t it, especially with men. (Most of them have the emotional maturity of a hamster so)

When you don’t know eachother at all and just casually messaging, it can be a bit like “errr… what do I even reply to this” when someone dumps a load of family trauma/drama/intense details etc on them.

So I don’t think it’s someone “not accepting you” I think it’s more small talk etiquette if they have messaged twice and get a load of detail about a super simple question it can scare people off.

Aw no I totally get where you’re coming from. I used to over share a lot.

So I’ll risk doxxing myself here but he asked if I have any siblings.
I said technically yes but my sibling died ‘x amount’ of years ago. I didn’t go into detail more so than that.

 

[really_whythough]

Aw no I totally get where you’re coming from. I used to over share a lot.

So I’ll risk doxxing myself here but he asked if I have any siblings.
I said technically yes but my sibling died ‘x amount’ of years ago. I didn’t go into detail more so than that.

Sorry to butt in here but if he can’t even reply with a simple ‘Oh I’m so sorry to hear that.’ straight away then he’s (as the previous poster brilliantly said) hamster level emotional maturity.

Sorry about your sibling, this guy doesn’t deserve your vulnerability. 🤍

 

[Rach472]

Went on a third (and last) date with a guy on Friday.

First date, afterwards, he told me he missed me. I asked if he was sure, he said yes, he missed my energy and company. I thought it weird but let it slide.

Second date, he was normal.

Third date, he told me we would get married and have kids. I asked how can he say that when it's the third time we've met and he doesn't know my flaws. He said it's just his way of saying he's serious about me/dating and that women don't like when men speak the truth and only want to be sweet talked ...saying you'll marry me is the highest form of sweet talking though?

We haven't kissed and he's asked me a couple times about what I think of him and every time I say, he's nice, but I'm getting to know him. On the third date he was moaning "how long will it takeeeee? What more do you want to knowwwww?" I said there's no time limit, when I know, I'll know.

These are the only times he's acted like this. He's normal on the phone etc. I cant tell if it's love bombing, desperation or a mix but I do know that I'm icked out.

Compare that to my last guy who said he was happy to go at my pace and let me decide when I'm comfortable with him.

Hope you've binned him off, absolute no from me!

 

[Mr Jim]

I get it. I really do. I’d ask him again in one of those texts if he’s wanting to commit to one of the dates you suggested. Then you’ll have your answer.

So I hadn’t heard for 5 days, got drunk and sent a message along the lines of “are you still there” and he replied straight away to confirm a date. Has been texting since and today confirmed the activity for the date (which is a very thoughtful one).

 

[holliebollie]

How the hell are we meant to ever find an actual relationship with men like this? I ONLY have ‘long term relationship’ on my profile. He also has LTR! HE matched with ME! Men seem to put both ‘want a long term relationship’ and ‘open to short’ to cover all bases so they get matches from women like me who actually want a LTR! mats.

 

[whoareyouu]

How the hell are we meant to ever find an actual relationship with men like this? I ONLY have ‘long term relationship’ on my profile. He also has LTR! HE matched with ME! Men seem to put both ‘want a long term relationship’ and ‘open to short’ to cover all bases so they get matches from women like me who actually want a LTR! mats.
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I totally agree with you. It’s so they get women who will potentially sleep with them and they’ll turn around and say ‘oh I only want short term.’

 

[whoareyouu]

So I hadn’t heard for 5 days, got drunk and sent a message along the lines of “are you still there” and he replied straight away to confirm a date. Has been texting since and today confirmed the activity for the date (which is a very thoughtful one).

Oh OK! That’s not how I thought it would turn out but I’m happy for you! did you ask him what happened for the silence for 5 days?

 

[holliebollie]

@whoareyouu totally. Just put you want a short term fling and duck off. Stop wasting my time. I went on a date on Sunday, had a nice time but spoke to someone at work who said her friend had been dating him and he ghosted her the day after they had sex. Looked back and he also has ‘LTR/open to short’ on his too. Prob wants a bag and thinks a couple of dates is enough to secure one. God I’ve got the rage after that Hinge message.

 

[whoareyouu]

@whoareyouu totally. Just put you want a short term fling and duck off. Stop wasting my time. I went on a date on Sunday, had a nice time but spoke to someone at work who said her friend had been dating him and he ghosted her the day after they had sex. Looked back and he also has ‘LTR/open to short’ on his too. Prob wants a bag and thinks a couple of dates is enough to secure one. God I’ve got the rage after that Hinge message.

Oh what a nice guy!

The guy who I was seeing for a bit has appeared on Hinge again. Hiding the fact he’s still married of course…

I’ve just this second seen this and RAN here to post it. This man is 43. Not the man I was seeing, someone i am/was chatting to.

I’m certainly getting wise to their games.

 

[Lalla]

Anyone who says long term open to short, means they are only looking for short term.

And anyone past the age of 30 who is 'figuring out their relationship type' just needs to get in the bin.

On my last dabble with dating apps (in a pool of men 48-55) after I'd got rid of any potential matches who had either or both the above on their profile, any with spelling or grammatical errors, obvious UKIP voters, or photos that were clearly 10+ years old, I was left with not one match.

Which I guess sums up dating options!

 

[Olgivy]

I think 95% of men on dating apps, are using it as a free buffet menu of sex. But they have to pretend they want long term, otherwise they know women wouldn’t be interested. They could put they are looking for marriage on their profile, doesn’t mean it’s true though.

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

I refuse to engage with anyone who has Long term relationship, open to short in their bio. It just screams “I don’t know what I want” and “time waster”. Either you want a long term relationship or you don’t. It’s one or the other.

I matched with a guy once who had Long term relationship in his bio, then after a day or so of chatting I noticed he’d changed it to Long term relationship, open to short. The Bianca of today would cut the conversation dead immediately, but I decided to persevere and see what happened. Lo and behold, a non-committal time waster, true to form. Never again.

 

[LouBug19]

Im going to try give you guys a little faith in men... I now have a boyfriend(!) I honestly think this is the happiest I've been in so long. Hes so good for me, and last night said I make him really happy too.

I know men can be people, I could write a book on it. Yes im worried things might duck up because of my insecurities but im learning to live in the moment more. There are men out there who will treat you like you deserve so don't lose faith!

 

[Kitty kat 20]

This is why I don't bother anymore. Dating apps are a cesspit of liars and time wasters. I'm much happier since I stopped using them. I'll take my chances in the real world.

 

[holliebollie]

Okay so I’ve done some data analysis. Of 15 matches (one doesn’t have anything listed):

long term relationship, open to short = 9
Life partner = 3
Long term relationship = 2

There’s no hope! I’ve already got it as a non negotiable for only those looking for a monogamous relationship, if I only matched with LTR or LP I would have 1/3 of the matches I normally get! And this is a bumper crop right now The last relationship I was in was with someone I met on a night out, not sure if anyone remembers me saying on here but he was a lot younger than me. We ended it after 6 months as it wasn’t going to lead anywhere, but it was perfectly nice and we had a great time. Maybe real life IS the answer??

 

[LaBlonde]

I think 95% of men on dating apps, are using it as a free buffet menu of sex. But they have to pretend they want long term, otherwise they know women wouldn’t be interested. They could put they are looking for marriage on their profile, doesn’t mean it’s true though.

exactly.

tbh, i’m in my “i’m attracted to men, but i don’t find men attractive” stage so a man could literally have “i am looking for you, lablonde, i’ve been looking my whole life, i’m a billionaire ready to devote myself to you” in his profile and i would be like so i really have nothing more to add. sick and tired of the whole thing, and so so much happier without trying to engage with it tbh. if it happens naturally then cool, but the apps are an absolute cesspit which only put women on the backfoot straight away

 

[al255]

@Thank(space)you How are you? How is everything with B? X

 

[Thank(space)you]

@Thank(space)you How are you? How is everything with B? X

Yeah I'm all good thank you
B is good, we've not had any more arguments and I've put my foot down and said any more of that behaviour and I'm off. He's been going to therapy for a couple of months now and I think it's helping him a lot, he's self paying privately so can go as long as needed rather than being restricted by NHS providing a set number of sessions.

 

[whoareyouu]

Sorry to butt in here but if he can’t even reply with a simple ‘Oh I’m so sorry to hear that.’ straight away then he’s (as the previous poster brilliantly said) hamster level emotional maturity.

Sorry about your sibling, this guy doesn’t deserve your vulnerability. 🤍

Thank you my darling. I appreciate it. He did eventually reply but his texts are like once a day and he wants to see me again. I think the hell not.

 

[Mr Jim]

Oh OK! That’s not how I thought it would turn out but I’m happy for you! did you ask him what happened for the silence for 5 days?

I know! I wasn’t expecting it either - was so surprised to get a positive response that I forgot to ask…