Dating after lockdown #39 Don't get toothfished

[Bianca Del Rio]

Urgh.

3 dates in a row. Very affectionate, talking about the future with me, if we want any kids together etc. I asked him this morning over text - as there’s been no exclusivity talk as it’s early days - if he was seeing anyone else and he hit the roof saying that it’s an insult that I’ve asked that. Now needs time to ‘consider how that makes him feel.’ I told him in the text that I don’t think he is but I just wanted clarity so I can fully embrace things.

You are being love bombed. 3 dates in a very short space of time, opening up discussions about kids, the touchy-feely behaviour - it’s creating a false sense of intimacy, which makes you feel like you know him better than you actually do, and it’s WAY too intense.

He will be seeing others and giving them the same treatment I imagine. If he wasn’t, he would simply answer the question. Either way, he is “punishing” you for questioning him, which conditions you not to do so in the future, and now he will withdraw so that you’ll start to chase him.

Run fast and run far. This one is bad news.

 

[Rayne]

Guys I am actually triggered by this thread title

I have also SNAPPED this morning God help any man that messages me this weekend
(This one is obviously called Dan and has been online all the time since his opening message)

 

[IGiveUp22]

@Thank(space)you firstly, I’m sorry this has happened.
I really hoped that when you said you had spoken about the previous situations and how you felt that he’d listened and things were better.
You had every right to snap in my opinion. Once again, he was putting himself before you. You will have been very emotionally vulnerable and you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about not wanting to have sex.
This man, from the bits you’ve put on here, appears quite controlling emotionally. It feels like he just wants you to have him as your sole life focus which quite frankly is a bit pathetic and absolutely not realistic.

I appreciate we’re strangers and we don’t have feelings invested etc, but I don’t think this man is good for you. You’re allowed a life outside your relationship, you are allowed to have things in your life that come above a man you’ve know 5 minutes and you’re absolutely allowed to not want to be intimate the night of a funeral. You are not in the wrong here x

edited to add - funny how when he’s done “something” which isn’t good behaviour, he seems to pull the mental health card. That is very manipulative behaviour and an abuse tactic. Just be careful x

 

[D2them]

I, admittedly naively, had sex with B yesterday, we had a nice evening, and i thought maybe sex would make it all better.
But during sex, like actually in the act, he said to me "you should have had sex with me after the funeral, you need to stop putting your friends and family first"
That's weird right?!
I said afterwards never to say that again, and he said "sorry about that" but it didn't feel like a genuine apology. Then he just went to sleep no cuddling me or anything.

I love him, but I dont feel loved by him

I don't know what to say other than he's not a nice person (putting it mildly). Please don't see this man again.

 

[Rayne]

No we go nowhere he has only ever been to my house, he has no job at the moment and is looking for work he is a single man, am a single mother myself with a busy life and have give up alot of my free time for him which I feel like now has been a waste of time, I have suggested going out a few times he said I don't have the money, I have been good to him, cooking for him, buying him fags and drink and a few takeaways and I get zero in return

You have got absolutely nothing out of seeing him, this man is offering you zero. Please don’t waste anymore time on him

 

[IGiveUp22]

I've been messaging B whilst I've been at my friends for a few drinks. I've come home & asked B how bothered he is if my nails are painted tomorrow. He said 7/10 & he would be really bothered if they're scruffy tomorrow. Which they will be because I've got to have the house tidied tomorrow ready for him he's coming earlier than planned so drunk painted my nails tonight.

Sorry just wanted to rant

I’m not 100% why you asked his opinion on your nails but honestly? I would have painted my entire hands in nail varnish if I’d of got that response from him

Not a fan of his response. Nor that you’re having to rush because he’s now coming earlier than planned (not sure if that’s an agreed thing or again something on his terms?)

All just feels a bit off. Especially after the previous stuff with the phone call etc

 

[MissJoT]

It only occurred to me this morning @Thank(space)you that this conveniently coincides with you going away for the weekend. He's placed it to make sure that he ruins your time away and doubly make sure you don't go near other men.

 

[Hi there]

@Thank(space)you please forgive me for being harsh but you seem to be completely oblivious to what this guy has done to you and continues to do so. What an awfully selfish behaviour by him especially when you were in bed, in a vulnerable position. You seem to be so scared to be alone that you are accepting scraps from this prick. So many posters on here over the last few months have tried to be so compassionate and make you realise that you need to leave him, you deserve someone who respects you but either you dismiss it or it’s not going through to you. You are such a lovely, caring person, it’s evident from your posts and it’s so frustrating to see you get treated like this. Please please have some respect for yourself and for the sake of your mental health stop being in denial and think this is acceptable behaviour by him x

 

[Thank(space)you]

I, admittedly naively, had sex with B yesterday, we had a nice evening, and i thought maybe sex would make it all better.
But during sex, like actually in the act, he said to me "you should have had sex with me after the funeral, you need to stop putting your friends and family first"
That's weird right?!
I said afterwards never to say that again, and he said "sorry about that" but it didn't feel like a genuine apology. Then he just went to sleep no cuddling me or anything.

I love him, but I dont feel loved by him

 

[MollyMalone]

@Thank(space)you I am virtually holding your hand while I say this in the most gentle way possible... this man does not like you, let alone love you. PLEASE dump him, delete him, block him and never lay eyes on him ever again. He is a terrible person and I am so sorry he has treated you so disgustingly. You do not deserve it and you are the only person who can put a stop to it.

 

[Angelchops]

He's sent me a message basically saying his mental health is a mess & he needs to sort that out. He loves me but he needs to sort himself out. He won't ask me to wait for him but it's up to me what I do and he hopes I still come and see him Tuesday. He's apologised and acknowledged I deserve better.

I've replied just saying I'm not sure what to say and I need some time to think.

I’m sure I’ve said this on this page before but I’m going to say it again. My ex- husband played these games with me years ago, saying all the words but treating me like crap. I ended up seeing my doctor because my ex told me I was boring, frigid and he was worried there was something wrong with me, but he was telling me because he loved me (despite the fact he was seeing someone else on the side). My GP referred me to a counsellor to see if I was depressed. The counsellor listened to me for about 20 minutes then stopped me talking and said bluntly ‘you’re not depressed, you need to get divorced!’ Her next words have stuck with me ever since. She told me words are cheap, and I should ignore everything my husband was saying and look at what his actions were telling me. I filed for divorce. I’m a counsellor myself now and I find myself repeating that to clients. Take away all the words your bf has said and look at his actions. Ignore his words and consider how his actions have made you feel. You’ll have your answer.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I just thought I'd give a little update. B and I are still dating, I've met some of his friends and family now. Since the last 2 times I posed about his out of order behaviour, things like that have never happened again. And I was honest and told him how I felt about that and how I'm not gonna put up with it and he needs to fix up or I'm walking away and he has (so far, touch wood). Things are going really well and it sounds cheesy but he's honestly being my biggest supporter with my driving anxiety and weight loss which is really such a nice change from other men I've dated.

 

[MsCurly]

I wonder how many times they use that as an opener before they realise it’s unlikely to be successful morons

“I do as it goes ….. just not with you, for reasons that should be self-explanatory”

Long time reader/lurker here: whenever a man hints at anal, I always tell him I'm game if he goes first. Most don't recover from that.

 

[ToolaRoola]

It's just really difficult when I have you guys & my IRL friends telling me hes abusive & then I have him who i love getting in my head telling me I'm in the wrong and im not supporting his Mh, im overreacting im abusing him by not giving him what he wants it's a problem with me my sex drive isn't high enough it didn't happen & if it did happen I've remembered incorrectly it's all me that's the issue

Eta like abuse is a big word to throw at someone

But he's abusing you! Emotionally and mentally!

Read this back. Can you see he's blaming YOU for everything. Where's HIS accountability.

This is a man who ignored you because you didn't pick up the phone when with your child.

This is a man who commented about having your nails nice as it would bother him.

This is a man who was out 4/5 times a week early on in this relationship.

This is a man who wanted to keep you secret initially.

This is a man who decided what you two are and when.

This is a man who expected sex when you were grieving.

This is a man who uses that against you.

This is a man who is emotionally cruel, leaves you confused and hurt, gaslights you and wants to alienate you from those who really do love you.

You've posted a handful of times about him yet I know all of this.

You have known him 5 or 6 months, it's early enough to make a positive change for yourself. You know that deep down otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. It'll be hard initially, it'll hurt, he'll use every manipulation trick in the book to guilt trip you but you'll be so glad by Christmas you got out.

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

I know that everyone on here, and my IRL friends have said his behaviour is concerning. I just worry it is me, I'm overreacting, he's never hit me, he doesnt call me mean names, is it really abuse?

Can you see that he is causing you to second guess yourself and think about if you are the problem rather than him?

If he had a funeral of a close relative today would you:

a) Ask him if he'd like you to come to the funeral, if not make sure you're there after to cook supper, have an ear to support and listen to his memories and stories of the relative, cuddle when required and make the cups of tea or
b) Tell him you haven't had sex in a week and go to bed in a huff

That should tell you all you need to know?
Just because there aren't bruises, he is damaging who YOU are as a person. You're going to turn into a shell of yourself, for what? The "love" of a man who doesn't care it's you or who you are, you're just there for him to emotionally abuse.

Please get out of this.

 

[LaBlonde]

I wouldn't say I want to be with him at all costs, no. I am seriously considering if I want to continue things with him, but I am understandably upset, we've been dating 3 months and it's the first time in a long time that I've managed to date someone for that long he does have a lot of good points to him too and it's not an easy decision to make. Especially if someone asks why we stopped dating and I then have to say "because I didn't answer his call" - sounds very silly you know?
I have a lot to consider and I do genuinely appreciate the advice of everyone on this thread

it worries me that you’re already downplaying it a little as “because i didn’t answer his call”. as others have said, the non-answering of the call is barely a detail in this. the answer if someone asked you why you stopped dating would be “i couldn’t answer him immediately and he completely flipped out in a really controlling and immature way”. end of story.

longer standing members of this thread know that you’ve wanted a stable relationship for some time and have had some rotten luck. don’t try and cling onto a man like this to try and make it into something you want. you’re more important than that.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I've been messaging B whilst I've been at my friends for a few drinks. I've come home & asked B how bothered he is if my nails are painted tomorrow. He said 7/10 & he would be really bothered if they're scruffy tomorrow. Which they will be because I've got to have the house tidied tomorrow ready for him he's coming earlier than planned so drunk painted my nails tonight.

Sorry just wanted to rant

What? Why did you ask him that? I'm not being obtuse deliberately but a preference like this shouldn't be something you're asking about. They are your nails. They come with you, as you are.

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

He's called me this morning like everything was fine?! I gave him dead chat though, he asked me how I was i said fine. Asked me if I'm looking forward to my weekend away, I said yes. Just one word answers, didn't ask him anything about himself. Just confusing.

I don't think I deserve someone who's not sure about me, and I cant fix anything if he cant tell me what I've been doing that's caused him to feel like this.

I'm feeling a little better this morning, just going to go to work, go on my weekend, and when I'm not drunk, have a think about if this is what I want. Because my feelings are important too.

I think the hardest thing for me is the confusion, if I could understand it, it would help.


One thing I will say though, is i think if this is over, I'm giving up on dating, I'm just not resilient enough for it.

@Thank(space)you you probably don't remember me, but I used to post on the Jack Monroe threads a while back and have followed your story silently on here for months with this guy.

Your messages read that you're basically waiting to be dumped, and don't want to end things yourself with this man incase it's all just a huge mistake on your part misunderstanding him and he does love you and wants to be with you. You sound beholden to him and his whims. I feel sad that you seem to feel this way and deserving of this behaviour from him. This isn't love, it's emotional manipulation.

It's easy to say from a distance, you need to try your best to take control of this situation and take back your happiness which at the moment sounds dependent on his moods. If he doesn't end things, which he won't, this will continue for years where he's like a child when he's not the centre of your every thought and minute of the day.

Someone who loves someone doesn't demand sex following the funeral of a close relative, they sit and comfort you and allow you to process your own feelings. He's telling you loud and clear who he is, I really hope you find the strength to take back control and get rid of this man. You deserve the world and more, not just when he feels like it.

 

[Rach8456]

Lads I’ve been keeping up with this thread for a while now and just wanted to say I really do hope you all find the happiness you deserve, whether with a man or not!

I have been happily single for about 5-6 years, and although there are time when I feel a bit lonely, I do have a nice life with my daughter, family and great friends. I go back and forth between wanting a relationship and then not wanting the hassle. But I completely understand how easy it is to fall into something when someone gives you that glimmer of hope that it could be something great.

Over the weekend someone from my past got in touch unexpectedly, someone who I had a real electric and intoxicating connection with a load of years ago. It didn’t go anywhere in the end, I can’t exactly remember the reasons why but it didn’t tend on bad terms. I saw him recently for the first time in years, and the physical feeling I got was crazy, I immediately was caught up in it and truthfully haven’t stopped thinking about him since. Spoiler alert, he is in a relationship, yet made it very clear he is willing to also enter into a sexual relationship with me. I told him he knows where I am and when he’s single to look me up. I have thought about him every day since, and have had to put real graft into not contacting him again. Yesterday I was an absolute mess just thinking how much I want him, how hard it is not to give in, and how amazing things could be. I felt really sad that this person I feel so connected to isn’t in my life. It was a massive struggle but I managed not to contact him, and I’ve woken up today thinking thank goodness I didn’t! Because none of it is real, it’s just a notion in my head about how things could be. It’s so easy to get swept up in, but with time the feelings pass and clarity sets in. This man doesn’t want to be with me, not properly. If he did, he would Ten years ago I probably would have caved and entered into a total mess hoping I could win him over, but ultimately I want more than that and the work I’ve put into myself over the last load of years wasn’t getting thrown out the window for some quick thrill.

I guess what I’m waffling on about is that, if you are in that should I/shouldn’t I contact him zone, hang in there, post on here if u need to, type it in your notes or in a message to yourself, because in 24 hours things can look a whole lot different!

I hope everyone is ok xxx

 

[blueblue]

Things I'm typing to remind @Thank(space)you that if she seems this great to internet randos IMAGINE what level she must be in real life! Yeah, if I was a fucking piece of shit living in a sad flat for a divorced dad I'd be truly intimated by her too. Please add your own awe tattlers...

You are a survivor
You are whole and healed
You are an incredible mum with endless patience, who bakes
You are a popular and loved friend
You practice gratitude
You are hilarious girl
You have a full and exciting life and I love reading your adventures
You got over the neighbour who you presumably still see constantly, you'll get over this prick
I know you didn't wear a hat and have the 3 course meal but it speaks volumes about you and your energy that you picked your baby up from her dad's wedding, I guarantee this is some magic

Couple of questions... what's his mental health got to do with you? Are you not at full capacity with your own and your child's mental health during your one precious life on this planet? Also, you're grieving so stop being so hard on yourself.