Dating after lockdown #20 I’m done. Too late to become a nun?

[Bagpuss7]

If you are not a great texter and are upfront about it that's one thing but no one is that busy they don't have time to send a few text each day ...I mean seriously these men are average Joe's working 9-5 or equivalent jobs ..they are not the President of the USA or James Bond ! Let's keep it real and honest !

I'd much sooner they said sorry couldn't be arsed to text then tell lies that I can drive a tank through!

 

[Cocoloca]

Hi! New to the thread but I’m really stumped here and not sure what to do.

At the weekend I started chatting to a guy on Hinge - we just clicked right away and we’re making lots of jokes with each other and even both saying that we weren’t just looking for sex. Anyway, we both had busy weekends, so we agreed to meet on Wednesday.

Wednesday comes along, we have a brilliant date. Chemistry through the roof, lots of stuff in common, ended up staying out far too late for a school night, lots of drinks and lots of snogs. So many butterflieOnly slight dampener for me is that my phone had died and he ordered an Uber, I needed to flag a cab in the street, and he just left me to flag down a cab at 2am in London, didn’t ask me to text him when I got home etc but we were both quite drunk so whatever.

Anyway Thursday we just exchanged a few messages about how it was a good night but we were feeling awful etc, we arranged a date for Saturday, but then on Friday I woke up and he had blocked me?

has this happened to anyone before? What should I do?

 

[Sandor]

You know what really gets me? Is sometimes these men I would be happy to just have a fling with. But they make it so bloody weird with this current world where flirting and anticipation has gone out the window and they head straight to sex in this way that is so unbelievably unsexy. And they wonder why they can’t get a woman to be interested.

 

[Belle123]

Update - current guy has only now told me he's actually still away with work till the weekend… so our date clearly cannot happen but he didn’t actually reference that at all. I’ve drawn the line with him because I can’t have a month gap between dates like this. I’ve said this is not something I can continue with. Privately, it feels like something is going on and I don’t like it.

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’m absolutely not dating but I can’t leave these threads because I’m so invested in everyone’s stories (and nosey)! Was lying in bed last night thinking how you all can find guys worthy of a second date. Must be some kind of magic!

Jokes aside, really glad to see all the ‘happy endings’. Go girls!

 

[Belle123]

Eeek!
Never send those ‘I guess you aren’t interested in me’ texts. Maybe he just had a busy day.. it sounds like a massive overreaction when there was only one day of him being quiet. Chances are he would have text you today but men hate those sort of texts.

Some people are busy or tired or just don’t want to speak every single day.

Appreciate your point of view but, no, it wasn’t a massive overreaction, having known what took place between us in person and his texting style. I’ve got no time for people who waste my time like this. It is not acceptable to ignore a clear question from me for 24 hours when we’re dating. Had the conversation ended and a day or so gap happened, I wouldn’t have questioned it the same way. I’m comfortable with no contact for a day. It’s healthy. He’d sent one message on Friday morning, nothing on Saturday (later that evening I messaged) and then nothing yesterday which now included no actual response to my message. I’m experienced enough to know this guy was full of crap.

 

[Belle123]

@Belle123 I'm soo soo sorry it was all looking so positive with him. Can you pinpoint anything that was said that maybe has caused him to go quiet ? Completely understand if you don't want to talk about it in detail at the moment x

To be perfectly honest, I think he’s just another bullshitting man trying to get a woman’s attention. There is an outside chance he can’t handle his feelings right now, and has retreated, but I’m not convinced of that. He’s another distinctly average man who can ill afford to throw a good woman away. Conversation was great, we had things in common, there was definite attraction, an ease around each other and he articulated (in what now seems to be confirmed bullshit) what he was thinking/feeling about me. You never know what’s going on with someone and how they truly feel about you, but a message one way or another would have been the kind, decent thing to do.

 

[Bagpuss7]

the one thing I can never fault my ex on is that he has always been a hands on dad. It’s why it never even occurred to us to do anything but 50/50 when we split. And he was like that from the off. Even as a newborn, if she needed feeding and I was exhausted, he’d let me feed her on my side and sleep and stay up until she’d finished and then put her back in her cot.

In a harsh sense this comes down to picking the right person to have a child with and being really clear on expectations when you start talking about it. I don’t think I want another (tried for many years and never happened) but if I did, I think the key things I’d look for is a man who;

* works to live, doesn’t have his identity wrapped up in his job
* is capable of spontaneity and copes well in unexpected situations
*knows the difference between a good man and a nice guy
* already shares the mental load with everything to do with running the house/our lives
* doesn’t have a weird relationship with his parents
* doesn’t have to wait for instructions and is capable of independent thought and doesn’t make excuses that make it your fault

and I know these men are out there because I have friends with partners like these. I have friends who don’t have anything bad to say about their partners and who I see working as an equal team. And they didn’t have to train them to be that way

I'm just baffled that someone thinks that way .. I don't believe it's ' how men are these days' .. there are some right idiots out there obviously but to have such low expectations that potentially it would stop you becoming a parent is soo sad

I'm grumpy this morning! Not been sleeping great so thats why ‍

I'm trying really hard to not get irritated by this guy I'm chatting too ..he's lovely buttttttttt....he keeps on sending me emojis to match his words e.g I just said I would love a bacon sandwich .. he replies I love bacon sandwiches , I said my garden is looking lovely after all the rain yesterday, he replies I love my garden too

Not gonna lie its starting to drive me nuts! [][]

 

[Clickbait]

Oh I think you’ve set the bar low if you’re buzzing about him saying thank you?!

It’s good to recognise positive behaviours you’d want in a potential partner. Saying that it is a sad state of affairs that a man saying thank you is seen as a green flag when it should be commonplace!

I think the OP’s position is also that she’s getting a better quality and level of interaction from this guy to the other one as well.

 

[MsCurly]

I’m sure everyone will be with me when I say: Please keep posting here and venting! This thread honestly keeps me sane and has genuinely got me through really hard situations, and that is only because of the real honesty and lows that we all go through.

Agreed, we are here for the good, the bad ánd the ugly! As much as I love the success stories, it is important to realize that dating is tricky and sometimes rather difficult. So many people have shared their successes and heartaches on these threads and it would be a shame if you stopped posting @LaBlonde

 

[Clickbait]

Hi! New to the thread but I’m really stumped here and not sure what to do.

At the weekend I started chatting to a guy on Hinge - we just clicked right away and we’re making lots of jokes with each other and even both saying that we weren’t just looking for sex. Anyway, we both had busy weekends, so we agreed to meet on Wednesday.

Wednesday comes along, we have a brilliant date. Chemistry through the roof, lots of stuff in common, ended up staying out far too late for a school night, lots of drinks and lots of snogs. So many butterflieOnly slight dampener for me is that my phone had died and he ordered an Uber, I needed to flag a cab in the street, and he just left me to flag down a cab at 2am in London, didn’t ask me to text him when I got home etc but we were both quite drunk so whatever.

Anyway Thursday we just exchanged a few messages about how it was a good night but we were feeling awful etc, we arranged a date for Saturday, but then on Friday I woke up and he had blocked me?

has this happened to anyone before? What should I do?

Sadly yes, I think quite a few people will have had a random ghoster.

What should you do?
• Buy a charger pack for your phone so you don’t run out of battery at the end of the night.

What you should not do is:
• Start questioning your experience on the date or sanity - you enjoyed it, he seemed to as well. If something has happened subsequently you’ve not been party to it;
• Think you did anything wrong and consider you might need to change anything about yourself: this could involve not kissing on a first date or drinking less. You were being authentically you, reverting back to the point above you had a good time and he appeared to as well. If you woke up in a bush at 6am the next morning with your belongings missing that might be a different story;
• Spend ages going over the date in forensic detail to see if there was something that could explain why he ghosted - the only explanation is he’s a twat;
• Let this dent your confidence - not your fault, nothing you could do to prevent it;
• Reach out to him in some other way for an explanation - you won’t get one (or at least not a satisfactory one);
• Entertain the idea of seeing him again if/when he pops up again. I found men like this are eternally on dating apps because they can never spot a good thing when it’s in front of them and they’ll likely appear again at some point down the line on an app and you’ll be intrigued to see if they swiped for you. Or they’ll just text randomly out of the blue like nothing happened.

 

[LaBlonde]

Can I ask what you think the difference will be from this thread to a spinster thread? And the difference between a spinster thread and a general chat thread?
Obviously I know this is a dating thread and from the sounds of it, you're saying the spinster thread would be for those who have given up dating; however I'm currently not dating and am half asking the apps when I cba, but I'm still lurking here.

sorry i’ve only just seen this and i was the one who suggested it

i think for me a sort of spinster/completely unlucky in dating thread would just give me a place to vent. at the moment i feel like i enter this thread like i’m kicking the door in and just dropping a huge anvil of self-pity in amongst the stories of people who are actually having success and getting messages back. when i get into a low-ish mood these things are sometimes hard for me, so a general release thread would just give me some space.

aware that i could basically just not post here and keep a diary or something though

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

Sounds like a full time job!
Do you think you’ll have a break from dating for a while? I hate it when people say ‘it’ll happen when you least expect it’ but I’m actually warming to that now as it sounds less effort

That phrase along with ‘it’ll happen when you stop looking’ are my pet hates, as if I wonder around from day to day hunting for a man these comments usually come from people in long term relationships who are smug n it annoys me lol

 

[MinnieMaus]

Anyone fancy a bit of this?

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Sorry for all the awful cowardly behavior many have been experiencing. I'm also sorry that I have absolutely no useful advice except we need to stop analysing the why's and wherefores of these weak creatures & say whatever the reason, it's not for me!
Interestingly, in the past I have always tried to be Mrs Reasonable/Mrs Rational and have been dumped for Miss Puts her Foot Down & Miss Throws a Blue Arsed Bloody Fit if they step out of line.
So, I have a very cynical view of men both from life experience and the soul destroying apps.
For example my last relationship of 8 years to a commitment phobee finally ended when I accepted he was happily stringing me along.
Within two weeks he was in another relationship & despite crying when we ended & wanting to stay friends, disappeared completely and that was that!
Honestly I could have died of bitterness and the ego kick in the teeth.
I had spent so many hours worrying how much it would hurt him blah blah.
All I can say is put yourselves first.
Sorry for the long winded reply. I just get so depressed & angry about this callous & cowardly behavior!!

 

[xcyber]

I read somewhere that guys being so keen initially and then cooling off is like kids going to a sweet shop. At first they’re so excited and want to get every single sweet and then once they had like a couple of bonbons they feel sick and realise they couldn’t possibly eat all the sweets they got lol.

it’s basic but I think so are men. They get carried away initially but when it comes to actually delivering they realise they overpromised and inevitably underdeliver.

It’s best just not to let their initial enthusiasm sway your own feelings.

 

[Bagpuss7]

Does anyone find that some guys are super friendly and chatty, until you set up a date and they switch to being less friendly?

We're meeting for a coffee later and working out where to meet. I mentioned my office being central. He took a day to reply with, "So you want to meet central then?" I can't work out if I'm being over sensitive but that just read as a bit rude, and different to the tone he had at the start of us chatting.

I get that to some extent they're like, "ok now we're meeting up the texting is less important" but it's just switched from friendly getting-to-know-you chat, to slightly terse messages? Am I being over sensitive? 🥲

Nope you are being perceptive and your gut is kicking in to tell you all is not as it seems. I'd be blunt tbh, if he's a time waster nip it in the bud now. Say a time and place that works for you and await his response, if it doesn't come within a decent window you have your answer I think .

 

[Sandor]

There’s so much with WhatsApp. If you’re left on read you can even see when the message was read. So many ways to torture ourselves.

totally agree about porn, I’ve said it before, the majority of sex work is not empowering. Even if the individual feels empowered the cultural and societal effect places women firmly back into the objects to be owned and used category.

I’ve had all sorts of weird messages. People wanting to know if I shave, asking if I can deep throat, requests for very weird pictures, if I like being filled up with sperm. This isn’t sex talk, this is sexual aggression. And they wonder why we say it’s all men.

And I sometimes think to myself I’m so good at finding people on apps on Google, one of these days I’m going to start screenshotting and sharing to your mums and sisters. But I just unmatched them all.

 

[freshhead]

Please can you explain why? A few red flags like he wanted me to go to his hotel room is abit weird

Did you specifically say you was busy or did he just dip his toe in by saying ‘shame you can’t come’ People only go to hotels for one thing and you can bet he’s in a travel lodge as well

this made me

but, yep, i’m getting a series of matador flags too. i also don’t know how you can know a phone call is “bad” before you answer it, or is that just me



i wouldn’t be into this either on the one hand, i get that he probably just wants to let you know how his day has been, but you’re also not his diary. if someone is listing their chores and food then i’ve probably switched off

Can you imagine. Ate my Chinese take away, washed up the plate, left the fork in the sink for tomorrow, went to put my pants and socks away but missed the drawer so they’ll have to stay on the floor till next week, got in to my bed that smells like cheesy feet and sweaty balls, sipped on my 2 litre bottle of lucozade by the bed, had a quick bash of the bishop and fell asleep starfishing the bed

 

[MsCurly]

I’m actually in the process of setting up a book club for single women because I’m over it all.

I had dinner with a few couples yesterday, and whilst it was lovely I’m getting rather tired of the idea that you’re somehow not good enough / not normal simply because you can’t seem to find a suitable partner.

All my friends are moving forward towards marriage and babies and it’s making me realise I want to spend more time with likeminded people.

I am still on the apps, but I’m not going to let my life revolve around finding the right person. Dating is too exhausting to be thinking of all day every day. It’s so time consuming and nerve wracking.