Dating after lockdown #20 I’m done. Too late to become a nun?

[al255]

Hi all. Sooooo I met up with M tonight. We met on hinge and have been whatsapping and I was at a loose end after I went for tea with my friends so I said does he want to do something. We went for a date to our local and It went SO well!

He isn’t my usual type AT ALL, in fact the opposite but he was so lovely and we go on really well. He has such kind eyes and half way through the date he was asking me what my plans where for the week so I said oh I’m child free Thursday night so he asked me if I wanted to see him Thursday, he will take me out for a meal and drinks! He said I looked lovely and really complimenting me, compared to Thursday date man he’s everything I look for in a man. He’s only been single since Feb though so but I want to take it slow. I think I will end up seeing him on Saturday too as I’m free then and he said that’s fine, he will make plans for us! Just so happy, I got in my car after the date and I felt such a nice warm feeling. He gave me a huge hug at the end and gave me a kiss on the lips. I’m really excited to see him again.

As for Thursday date man well…. He’s out the question atm. I will text him when he texts me but I’m not going out my way!

 

[Belle123]

@Belle123 One thing I have learnt again!! and which I already knew deep down is if they want to talk to you they will, if they want to meet you and see you, make the effor they will. If a man has to look for excuses as to why they can’t talk, etc with you then he isn’t really making the effort. I learnt this again with Thursday date man. He would always make out like he’s too busy to text me even though he was doing the food shop etc… New date man makes the effort and I don’t doubt what he’s saying. He’s hardly text me today but I fully know he’s busy at work. He’s apologised for not texting me back this morning and leaving me on read by accident - he’s been in and out of meetings and with thursday date man I’d think na you’re lying!

Thanks. I learned this a long time ago and that’s why I grabbed hold of it today, when a clear issue arose that also confirmed a pattern with him. In response to my nice message he’s… deleted my number. No message back. How immature. I sent a message and it went through, so I’m not blocked, but his photo has gone. He’s either with someone else, dating around or is just a really flakey/inconsistent sort who cannot show sufficient respect to me. I don’t actually care which one he is. My boundaries were enforced and it’s done. I feel relieved.

Between him and my ex, I’m done with men for a bit!

 

[TillyMiffin]

Thread title suggestion:
More red flags than pampalona, We don’t wanna know about your boner.

 

[xcyber]

You are deffo not reaching for the stars, it’s just that decent, understanding guys are usually quieter and less flashy and maybe not as ‘noticeable’ as love-bombing fuckboys who are all over the apps. But that does not mean they do not exist!
You seem like a great person and deserve an equally great man, please don’t feel defeated and don’t settle for less

This is so true. I just want to use my own example here to prove this. So I’d been single for most of my 34 years for various reasons; late bloomer, commitment issues etc. What I also did a lot was date dickheads maybe deep down because I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. I took a year out of dating in 2019 because I hated who it made me become. I’m a super confident, no bs, kind of gal lol but somehow being ghosted by a 6/10 would have me depressed and acting all insecure. My brother who is my best mate would literally be like I don’t understand who you become when you’re dating these idiots and honestly looking back I cringe. Anyway I decided 2020 was going to be my year to properly date and find an actual potential future husband. Classic timing. I tried a coupon of park walk dates but sacked it off after the guys thought taking you for a stroll around Tower Bridge and a £8 bottle of Sainsburys Malbec would be enough to get you to come home with them that night. No thanks pal, I’ll pass . Anywayyyyy (I digress) in October last year I met this guy off Hinge and he was nice but like I wasn’t that sure, we got drunk and kissed and the kiss was amazing so I decided I’d see him again. He was quite shy, reserved not flashy at all. Kind of the opposite of what I go for and what I thought I wanted - life and soul of the party, overtly confident etc. He was consistent, texting regularly, making plans, I never questioned if he liked me. After a month of dating I kind of said I’m not sure if this is going anywhere (the commitment phobe in me had a freak out) but we agreed to see each other that weekend as we had plans. After that he suggested if I still wanted to casually see each other we could and I said that would be perfect - no pressure etc. So anyway it’s been 8 months now and he’s my boyfriend and it took me about 4 months really to realise what an actual diamond of a guy he is. I was so quick to try and discard it because I’m used to going for arrogant twats but he’s actually the kindest, most generous, intelligent guy and he’s tall and really fit!

I think the point I am trying to make is that sometimes you have to actually give people a chance and it’s often not those that you’re immediately drawn to that surprise you. Also what you think you want actually turns out very different from what you actually need.

Aha I sound like the Dalai Lama of relationships when I’ve only been in one for 8 months but I write this to my former single self because I think it would have done me some good to read this message. Like I was 100% certain I would just end up alone and was kind of ok with that by the end!

Anyway thanks for listening to my TED Talk.

 

[Clickbait]

Spinster is a horrible term, the equivalent of which we don’t have for men strangely enough

Dating can be a horrible slog with very little reward. It takes resilience, optimism and patience and even then promises nothing. Being successful requires you to be open to letting someone in, but is usually guided by luck/happy circumstance.

Applying negative labels, making declarations that you’re never going to meet anyone, it’s a waste of time, you’ll end up lonely with cats or dogs or books is not helping your spirit and feeling of self worth even if it is said in a joking way.

I had hundreds of dates - the good, the bad, the ugly, weirdos, stalkers, flashers, ghosters, love bombers. I knew when I got jaded and started feeling a bit desperate and not in control (because I just wanted to meet someone and it shouldn’t be *that* hard) I made mistakes, I gave time to people who I already knew were not right (one guy made me shudder in horror just looking at his photos but I convinced myself that I was being too looks-driven and should give him a chance) and ended up feeling like I was just degrading myself on the apps.

There is no shame in taking some time out to have a break from it all. Doing that is just respecting yourself and looking after your mental health: it’s recognising that it’s just not working for you right now and your time is more valuable spent doing something you actually enjoy. It’s not giving up and wallowing in negativity and self-pity although if you want some time to scream into a void about how unfair it is, that’s fine too.

I guess this is a long-winded post to say don’t feel that taking a break is failure, don’t think that not finding someone is your fault or that there is anything wrong with you. Remember that luck plays a huge part and having a positive attitude and approach will draw less negativity towards you.

 

[Sprottish]

I had a lovely date yesterday - I only ventured back on the apps last weekend. Matched with this guy on Tuesday and met up Sunday - to me that’s super fast! I’ve always wanted to chat for a few weeks before meeting but I thought oh why the hell not.

Green flags - he apologised for being five minutes late, he was forthcoming in asking me out and also asking for a second date and all the usual good chat etc etc. We just went for a drink and a walk around the food market. Although I feel much more comfortable on a date where I can have a few drinks (Dutch courage!) I do think it’s nice when they arrange something which is civilised and it’s probably better for me to steer away from the “always needing a drink” to date!

Red flags - reminds me of my ex business owner and fancy car. I know that’s not comparable at all but can’t shake it off!

That reminds me, something really awkward/yet quite funny happened. So, I drove to a little town where he lives (on the outskirts of Manchester). He sent me a link to an article about the town….that my ex had written, and I was in the background of one of the bloody pictures (my ex runs a big Manchester advertising agency so it’s not completely random) what are the chances?

Anyway, he’s asked me for dinner tomorrow!

 

[Mr Sparkle]

My worst date story was caused by me

It was my first date with a woman and when we were saying bye, I was so preoccupied with panicking about whether we'd hug/kiss/shake hands/whatever that I ended up chatting some nonsense and quoting a meme that made NO SENSE in the context of what she was talking about.

I'd quote the meme but it's become so infamous among my friends that I'm scared someone will identify me from it Basically it involved swinging my elbows and making a poop reference.

She promptly spun around and left, I was MORTIFIED and called a friend, she advised me to send her the meme I was quoting for context. I was laughing/screaming while sending it, and ended up sending her a random GIF of a businessman on the toilet

Miraculously, she still wanted a second date but I was so embarrassed I couldn't face her again

 

[Thank(space)you]

So I used to be that psycho girl kicking off and send multiple texts if I didn't have a reply soon enough, over analysing every message, counting minutes between their replies , figuring out how quickly I should reply etc and it was because of my low self esteem and abandonment issues. I couldn't understand how others were so chilled, I was obsessed.
It's only now I'm working on myself and healing my traumas that i don't play games and don't worry about time taken to reply. Not saying that's the case for everyone, just my experience.
That being said I do like regular texting, I'm someone who likes to chat.

Mr Nice Guy has officially given me the ick. A few days ago he kept going on about this guy who asked him on a date. I'm not bothered that he got asked on a date but he was only talking about that for multiple messages despite me trying to change the subject. We were messaging a bit today, I asked him how his weekend was but he didn't ask about mine which I thought showed a lack of interest. The icing on the cake was him saying he was drinking in a hot tub with friends and how he wishes I was there, they'd all have loved to see me in my bikini, I could entertain the drunk guys etc this is from a guy in his mid 40s!

 

[Wowitsme]

So no text from M .. as anticipated! I’m glad though. The new guy I’m seeing on Thursday for a date I feel has more issues than me he’s had a really bad few years, lots of death in his family too. He lives with his mum and he’s staying local in a hotel something to do with work and he said shame you’re busy or else you could have come. WHAT to ur hotel bedroom 🫣 no thank you. He said he had to leave as he got a bad phone call and would update me later. Weird?!

Personally I would not go on a date with this guy but that’s just me

 

[Wowitsme]

Well today I was supposed to be going away with D. Still haven’t heard from him - stupid fucker. Probably for the best.
Anyway, I’m going for a country walk and coffee with a man I met on bumble. I’ll report back.
for you Belle and everyone

Bunny you really should be taking time out from dating as you’ve only just broken up and you need to heal or breathe from the relationship as I think it was mentioned ages ago about jumping into these relationships with men with red flags.

 

[Bagpuss7]

I don't think it has anything to do with looks as to why more and more women are now choosing to stay single. Women are no longer dependent on men for fiancial security or emotional well being. Long gone are the days where women were expected to bow down to the man as the bread winner !

I think as a woman of a certain age, financially independent and very capable of taking care of myself I'm looking for a man that actually enhances my life - do I need a man to look after me ? No ..would I like to be with a man that takes care of me ? Yes.

And I'm pretty sure that's what most women want these days..looks have zero to do with that !

 

[lurkingaround123]

Worst date in one line go…
Forgot his wallet and had to drive him

I have three and can't decide which makes my soul curl up the most.

- took me to Nando's, spoke down to me the whole time, got me Fanta in a water glass and I got told off for it by the waitress

- showed up absolutely smashed, spent the entire evening smoking cigs he was bumming off the next table and begging me to sleep with him, tried to follow me home

- was unbelievably rude to the waitress, his card got declined so I had to pay, walked in to the next bar and his friends were all magically there

I love bad date stories so much

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

I would have to be married to the man of my dreams to have another baby. I haven’t heard from my daughters dad since 2010!

Aw mine has nothing to do with his daughter either. He is a sperm donor nothing more! And she goes without nothing! I’m sure yours doesn’t either. And it’s not ‘picking wisely’ as people say. People change, he changed, he was an amazing partner all during pregnancy and before it, when she was a newborn he was hands on he did as much as me, then all of a sudden he changed when she was about 18 months old and decided he didn’t want to be a father anymore with the responsibility’s. We tell women to choose better, we need to tell men to do better instead!

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Do we want to be unpaid therapists to men we've never met? Or after we have? That's a HELL NO!

 

[LaBlonde]

Right so I’ve not text him all morning. He read my message at 10:35ish, I’ve turned off read receipts and he text me at half 1 saying how’s the weather today, he said he really cba working (presume he’s hungover or something?) .. should I leave it a few hours then reply? I’m actually more cba today with it all. I get he doesn’t like texting but whatever I’m not making the effort either hun xoxox

aren’t you on (a well deserved) holiday? darling, enjoy it and don’t spend time thinking about him and how much time to leave between replies etc. get yourself a pina colada or something and chill.

sporadic texters are the bain of my life because if you’re a person who needs a lot of contact then it immediately becomes an uphill battle. but he IS engaging with you, just leaving some time in between. how and when you reply is up to you but it just sounds like he’s a rubbish messager. if that’s a dealbreaker then i would casually mention it when you next see him face to face.

 

[Clickbait]

I’m so pleased to read how positive you’re feeling! Yes, must feel like an ultimate conclusion, with nothing left unanswered. Yes the future is exciting! Closure, however it comes about, is so important to be able to move forward. I still don’t feel like I’ve got that with my ex

I’m in touch with him again, after I decided I couldn’t abruptly stop talking to him permanently like that. Turned out he’d had a crap week too, which explains why, ironically, after I decided to pull back for a bit, I felt a pull back from him too. He had to endure seeing his ex, so that more than explains it. He’s told me briefly about what was going on with them and not agreeing a settlement, and I just (privately) think she’s seeking to push his buttons to get what she wants. I’m not involved, and he’s not trying to involve me, and nor am I judging either of them, except I cannot objectively think of a reason for her to drop by, other than to wind him up. At least I know this is nothing to do with me/us and everything to do with him getting through the emotions when these hurdles come up. I shall continue to give it a light touch and see if he continues to step towards me while he moves forward with the divorce. Meanwhile, I’ll see what further crappy conversations await me online!

I just think that you give your ex way too much credit for being a nice guy going through a lot and would automatically, and naturally want to think the best of him in this separation situation when in reality he could just be selling you a sob story.

He must have many redeeming features for you to continue to be interested including emotional maturity and awareness yet this is what you told us a week ago:
“I decided to check and his dating profile is still up, he’s bloody updated it and is actively using it again.”

Why is he doing that? If he really understood after dating you - with what you had being so meaningful- that he wasn’t able to commit because he was still in love with his ex or at least not over her, or it was too messy and demanding to deal with the divorce and try and hold down a new relationship, what genuine, honest and unselfish reason would he have to be actively pursuing possible dates online?
I really respect you and your posts on here. You take the time to really consider someone’s position, I can tell you want the best for people with the advice you give which sometimes means telling people what you think is right rather than just what they want to hear. I can’t help but think if presented with your current situation your advice to someone else would be wholly different from the path you’re following.

I don’t think staying in touch with him is a good idea. I think he knows that you’re waiting in the wings despite him giving you nothing but non-committal contact on his terms, so he can talk to you, choose not to resolve anything with his ex, and pursue women on dating sites. You deserve better than this.

Likewise I think that dating other men whilst you clearly still hold a torch for him is probably not helpful. As a distraction it only works as long as the going is good. When someone fucks you off, you’re right back to pining for him and wanting to strike things up again. Sometimes a clean break is needed however much it hurts.

 

[Mr Sparkle]

ThreeSteaksPam still wins best username on this site to me

Had a lovely third date yesterday! We had dinner and then went to the restaurant next door for a drink before they closed. Then we went to sneak the last half of the Killers concert that we could hear nearby - we stood on a street nearby singing along. At one point he held me and gave me a kiss on the forehead. I love that shit.

Drove me home and said night. I really want to see him again ASAP, he's so funny and also seems so respectful. Trying not to get too carried away with myself today, but definitely keen on him.

 

[Thank(space)you]

That was my thought.


So he said he’s staying in a hotel close to me tonight and then said it’s a shame I’m not child free I could have joined him, then half an hour later he said sorry I’ve had a phone call I’ve had to leave I’ll explain later and radio silence weird??? I wonder if he will text me today. I get the vibe his life is chaotic

I don't mean to be rude but why are you entertaining this person? You've said he's loads of issues & red flags. Given your recent posts & how intense you can be this obviously isn't going to end well.

 

[Clickbait]

nooooo it’s been 2 BUT my point is the way he was last week like over complementing me saying he can’t wait to see me etc, and thensince we met again he’s not been as full on. That’s my issue

If he wasn’t being full on last week I wouldn’t be that bothered of his change in attitude. He was being full on first

His reply was shit though even so. Who says that after someone just said they’ve deleted hinge cos they’re going on dates with u. You’d say me too…. Etc surely ?

Last week he was saying good morning gorgeous can’t wait to see you etc, like being what I’d call OTT I dunno. My friends don’t help!! They’re making me think things

I get that if he seemed keen at first you’ll notice the change, but I can’t help but feel your current intensity would be a turn off. Do you like me? Do you want to see me again? When are we meeting up? Are we meeting up tonight? Have you deleted Hinge? I’ve deleted my Hinge because I only have time for you.

Do you just like this man because of his initial strong interest and now you’re less bothered? Or does he have potential for other reasons?

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@IGiveUp22 Ugh. Yep I've experienced this. It sucks & it's a mind fuck. Only one way out and it's through it. Stings like hell. You are in good company though here. Also what is it with the 2 weeks gap between the switch over? Talk about lightening speed & how needy are these guys?
Hey all. I've been reading, not really commenting as trying to keep focused on getting stuff done at home.
I received some wonderful news this weekend. My son & his wife visited and told me they are expecting a baby in Autumn. They lost one last year, so it's especially sweet. My daughter in law is so lovely and I'm so grateful they found each other. So I'm going to be a Grandma which is just amazing.

Excuse all the So's!