Children or No Children?

[Deeznutslol]

I haven't seen anyone in the thread say anything like that, what has been said is that not everyone, however maternal or caring they are, would be capable of looking after a seriously disabled child, many people on the thread (myself included) have given personal examples of exactly this happening

Yes but as I said before, I’m not talking about the thread on here as I’ve never been on it!
I’m talking about stuff I’ve seen on twitter by child free advocators

 

[I’mThankyou_]

You know, going digging through my posts on OTHER threads - childfree threads - and then obsessing over them here, is really weird. Move on, please? like people are asking for?

I didn't dig. Nor did I obsess over them .

 

[LaBlonde]

People comment regardless though honestly, you can never get it right. No kids, too many kids, keep trying for a boy, keep trying for a girl, nursery, no nursery, BF or bottle etc. If not this then everything else in your life. It’s your life and your choice, you who would have to be pregnant, give birth and care for the child, so no one else’s opinion matters (other than your partner obvs lol). Don’t worry yourself with what anyone else has to say because even if they agreed, you’d just do something else they scorned at, it’s human nature.

exactly: and the first part of your post is so right. i think you can never “win” any which way, someone will always comment on something. i just need to get that into my head most of the time

 

[Jellybean093]

- about people refusing to give up their plane seat for a child
- about rebel Wilson going to a party a week after her child was born
- women going back to work quickly or never going back to work after having a child

Just a couple of comments from me. Not to be mardy, by my personal take

- people refusing to give up a seat - honestly, if someone wants to sit with my child on a 4 hour journey, that’s fine but children should rightly be sitting with parents (sorry if I’ve misunderstood your point)
- I went out 2 weeks after my first and hated every minute of it, but I know some people are fine, so whatever on that point. Each to their own
- I have been back to work when my eldest was 8 months, 2nd was 5 weeks, 3rd 4 weeks and 4th 3 months. No one has ever commented about how early I have gone back, as maternity pay is so shockingly shite and I have been very lucky that with 2&4 I’ve worked from home and number 3 I got made redundant during covid

 

[Jellybean093]

The airlines are pretty much taking the money and taking nothing else to do with it and hoping people will have good will which isnt right.

What would happen if noone would move to accommodate? Even those who havent prebooked I mean not the prebookers. The plane doesnt go?

They know what passengers are on board, they know who has prebooked. How does it even get to that point?!? It bamboozles me.

I completely agree. I have been on holidays without the kids, where we’ve paid for seats, and I wouldn’t be happy if I was expected to move, but then I also understand kids needing to be with the parents. I don’t understand why the airlines get away with it and people are then pitted against each other?

 

[Ingognito.Queen]

I think the disabilities discussion is a really interesting tbf. I saw a tiktoker recently who had multiple children, 2 of which were suffering with cystic fibrosis. I just thought it was really shocking, like if you know that you and your husband are both carriers of the gene because you have already produced a kid with CF, why tf would you then have another one? You can have prenatal testing if you are both carriers to find out if your baby is homozygous as well, yet instead they chose to just go ahead and have another little boy fully knowing he will suffer a short and very painful life.
I myself am a cystic fibrosis gene carrier (it’s recessive so you need two copies in order to have the disease and luckily my partner doesn’t have it so we have no chance of having a CF baby anyway), however you can still suffer symptoms of CF even if you’re just a carrier. Luckily I haven’t experienced any symptoms but my mum has also got the gene and suffers with both respiratory issues and repeated pancreatitis. I would personally feel really guilty if I knowingly passed the gene onto my kid and they ended up suffering because of it.

Such an interesting discussion.

That’s just one example though of a particularly horrible and incurable genetic disease, however I find some of the discussion (which at times borders on eugenics) around not wanting kids with something like down syndrome or autism really quite disturbing and scary.

Disturbing/scary in what way?

 

[emm]

Doesn't it seem like women should have decided whether or nor they want children from being young ? It doesn't seem like being undecided is an acceptable option.
Then if someone does decide to have children , there are other circumstances involved too.

I found it interesting that only 1 girl from my class at school hasn't had a child . The rest of us have ( we are turning 40 now .)

Thats interesting, I am slightly younger (36) but between people I know from school or uni it is about 50/50 who has or hasn't

 

[Jellybean093]

Sorry, but if someone can afford to go on holiday, they can afford to prebook the seat if they really can’t afford that extra then maybe they need to reevaluate whether they should be going at all. Or alternatively, just stay quiet and take the seats that they have? They should never expect other people who have spent money to prebook to move for them.

That’s utterly mental and so unreasonable, but sadly not uncommon and I suppose exactly the reason why people get wound up and write articles on this very topic.

Me pre booking seats cost an extra £100, but ok. Doesn’t mean everyone else has money to spend.
It might not even be a holiday but someone having to go to their home country and having minimal spends
I might not prebook next time, and leave a random to look after my kids

 

[Deeznutslol]

I’m 26 and out of my whole school year I could genuinely count on 1 hand the number of people who have had babies already

 

[smellsofbiscuits]

Im not childfree, I have 2 children and it is by far the hardest part of my life. I dont regret having them, I'd not change the fact I had them. The older they get the more I enjoy being a parent. I love that they are little people/young adults now and we can enjoy things together. I really struggled with babyhood.

I am crushed by the weight of others expectations though, that my children should just 'behave' and that their behaviour is a direct correlation to my input as a parent.

If you have time on your side and youre undecided them definitely take the time to try and decide.

I can completely see why people would choose to stay childfree. Looks fab to me, despite the fact I wouldnt change my decision.

I do keep my kids separate from my childfree friends. I wouldnt dream of them tagging along for a lunch out or whatever. absolutely not.


Edit - just saw the disability discussion. I have one neuro diverse child and it is challenging every single day. Very stressful.

I just wanted to say CF that you always state what I'm thinking in a much more eloquent way. Your words of wisdom are very much appreciated.

 

[jackolantern]

Honestly I was never sure if I wanted kids until one day something just clicked and then suddenly it was like that was all I wanted.

Yes it’s bloody tough. The journey to get there wasn’t easy, we had a rough start and then when you are suddenly allowed to take a tiny baby home it’s the most terrifying thing in the world. Yes, some days are shit and I sit and cry but other days I’m on top of the world. But then… this isn’t really new for me? I always had good and bad days, it’s just in a different way.

That being said, being a mum is honestly the best thing I’ve ever done, seeing her smile when I walk into the room beats it all. My life hasn’t stopped, it’s just changed for the better.

Oh and I still have a cheeky wine on an evening

Couldn’t agree more

 

[LaBlonde]

That’s it for me too - it’s not that I’d have an issue with looking after the child it’s that I’d worry about them - both general quality of life and what would happen if I wasn’t there. Of course I’m generalizing a lot and it would depend on the level of support needed.

oh same! this is extremely general and obviously influenced by the fact that i’m witnessing a very sad case of it right now - i have pretty bad anxiety and ocd too, which i think would also amp up into complete mania about not being able to care for a/my child in the way they needed or deserved. there’s lots of variables obviously, but i think i know that i (as an individual) would struggle. especially with how poor some aspects of social care and help is right now. this is, as said in the original post, only for particularly severe needs etc.

 

[Belle Amie]

For anyone who is interested I’d really recommend the book ‘A Mothers Reckoning’ by Sue Klebold the mum of Dylan Klebold one of the Columbine Shooters. It’s such a thought provoking commentary on parenting that you can give your child all the love in the world and think you’ve done everything right by them and they can still carry out horrendous atrocities against themselves and others. It talks a lot about recognising poor brain health in others, especially where this is a concern for some of you in potentially having and raising children.

Although her son unfortunately did what he did she wouldn’t go back and not give birth to him, she’d change her parenting but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I don’t know what point I’m trying to make here (story of my life) but it’s a great read from the perspective of a parent that you can’t always save your children but you shouldn’t rob yourself of that joy and memories from fear of who they could be.